Broken News: Broken In Brief Collection 2

We're trying something new here at These Bastards. Instead of running the legendary, award winning, genre defining "Broken In Brief" series on the sidebar, we're just going to post three a week in addition to the two full length pieces we usually get out. Try to subdue your outrage, cries of "Greedo didn't shoot first", and claims that we raped your childhood. We haven't built that machine yet. Time moves on and the site you centered your life around these heady two months must make with the better making and re-goodening.

I know this will be different for you, dear readers. Try to muddle on and accept change. Possible Bastard-o-vations from our scienticians and imagineers in the future involve a logo and a way for this site to steal all your credit card information. As always, go spread the word of us to others, so that we may grow powerful. Our will be done.

SET 4:
Boy band a front for fascist party
ORLANDO- Shocking development as today million selling teen pop sensations Boyvolution, were revealed to be a front organization for fascist recruitment. “Their slavish devotion to precise dancing, the droning monotony of their music, the uniformity of their fans opinions, and the grandiose claims about their talent and musicianship, well, we just thought those were typical pop conventions. We had no idea there were sinister intentions behind it,” shrieked Janet Roberts, concerned parent. “We thought the overarching pop messages of consumerism, corporatism, collectivism, as well as the racial homogeneity were just a natural fit for fascist recruitment,” said Rolf Strausser, chairman of the New Iron Guard. “We thought that if we could get them to band together in large masses, devote themselves wholly to the ideals of this group of young men, to idealize and deify these men beyond their talent level, we could quickly walk them over to fascist ideals. Actually we’d probably have to walk them back from a few as well. We’re fanatical, but not that fanatical.” As the news broke, millions of Boyvolution fans went to Wikipedia to look up fascism and why it was bad, and then went to message boards to find consensus for their new opinions and find new groups to idolize. Strausser finished “Tell me we’re more fucking evil than the Jonas Brothers. You can’t can you? We'll be back!”

Reports Indicate it Is as Bad as you Think and They Are all out to get You
YOUR BRAIN--Despite what your estranged wife, one living parent, and psychotherapist claim, two recent studies by the Brookings Institute confirmed that it is, in fact, as bad you you think, and They are all out to get you. While a modicum of hope remained that you were simply paranoid and grief-stricken over the suspicious circumstances surrounding the death of Roger, your Boston Terrier, nothing could be further from the truth. You will now hide near the street corner, await the arrival of that goddamn school bus that honks its horn every fucking morning at 7:30 AM, claim no fewer than three child hostages and barricade the lot of you inside your otherwise quaint, inoffensive-looking suburban home and wait for the SWAT team to bring you sweet, sweet deliverance.

Rice to Drive Lane, Windmill Dunk
WASHINGTON--Irritated by the doe-eyed attention being heaped upon Barack Obama by the mainstream media, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice vowed today to "drive the [expletive] lane, no fancy, and put [the basketball] to [presumptive Democratic Presidential Nominee, Barack Obama] punk ass." The former Stanford provost and foreign policy expert, who is also a trained pianist, practiced figure skating and ballet at a young age and has often professed interest in assuming the post of NFL Commissioner, but has no known experience on the hard court. The Obama campaign did not immediately return requests for comment, as it was too busy beating the shit out of a 71-year-old man.

SET 5:
Launch of International Hate Station Delayed
SPACE--Construction delays prompted by yet another series of juvenile disagreements forced mission control to again postpone launching the world's first International Hate Station. Work on the IHS' "Yo Mama" pod, responsible for maintaining the station's venom/acrimony ratio, was suspended when America was unable to handle tools without first ceasing to pull at the corners of its eyes and yell "Me so horny!" at Japan. Upon replaying, "That's Vietnam, you fat, ignorant fuck," Japan was shamed as Israel and Saudi Arabia proclaimed in unison, "You all look the same to me!" The ensuing awkward silence was finally broken when Ireland belched and scratched itself, prompting Canada to throw up its hands in disgust and walk out of the room. But not before Australia slapped it on the ass and called it a fairy.

DailyKos Community Outraged by Something or Other
CYBERSPACE--The DailyKos comment threads were overwhelmed with activity at approximately 12:14 PM EST as word of the most recent Bush Administration war or tax cut or judicial appointment or bible-themed cupcake sale on government property spread like wildfire across the blogosphere. Initial estimates put the ensuing conspiracy and hyperbole concentrations at survivable levels, although experts warn that the your/you're confusion often seen in frantic typing or grade school essays was much more troubling. Officials strongly urged the online community to either abstain from refreshing HuffingtonPost for twenty consecutive minutes or maintaining at least ten feet of distance between one's person and that new copy of David Sirota's "The Uprising."

Parkinson's Sufferer Given Zen Rock Garden
TAMPA BAY--Bowed Pines Retirement Community resident Chip Murray was presented with a Zen Rock Garden for his 84th birthday last Tuesday. Murray's 8 year-old twin grandchildren, Jessica and Zachary, pooled their allowances for two months in order to purchase the item, which could not be gift-wrapped for fear of frightening and confusing the old man. An Army veteran who claims to have fought and died in two foreign wars, Murray was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease in 2002. Upon receiving the Rock Garden he was heard to exclaim, "Get that hippy shit away from me" before being forcibly restrained and heavily medicated in front of his weeping grandchildren.

SET 6:
Children conceived now will not be born with Bush as leader of free world
GENEVA- The World Health Organization announced today that any children conceived now, would officially not be born with Bush still in office. “We think this is tremendously important to note,” said Director General Dr. Margaret Chan. “Children conceived at this very moment will be born free of the hex that has plagued the eight years worth of births. With the stain of the Bush Administration’s legacy no longer hanging over these new, superior, children, we predict they will be able to go on to great things.” The WHO cites recent trends of the children born into early 2001, now aged eight. Achievement levels are down, ambition is non-existent, and reading comprehension and math are at all time lows. Scientists attribute these failings to the so-called ‘Bush taint’, first measured in Rhesus monkeys last year. It causes feeling of inadequacy and the overarching sense that no matter what you do, it doesn’t matter; everything’s going to get fucked up anyway. “We hope a new President will be able to reverse this failing trend,” Chan continued. “There’s no possible way the next one can be worse.” When asked about the policies of a McCain Presidency she replied “Okay, we’re 50/50 that things can’t get worse. It’s not an exact science.” As for the children born in December and early January, one can only hope they are born with their tiny political senses blunted to their awful reality.

Scientists invent, destroy world’s first machine that measures apathy
SAN FRANCISCO-- Scientists were set to announce their breakthrough, an apathy measuring machine (aka the ‘Don’t Give a Shit Box’), when their triumph quickly turned to tragedy as the machine broke in a spectacular manner. Scientists pinpointed their mistake as hooking it up to Jason Aldridge, a first year philosophy major at UCLA. “Fuck, they made me put on this weird helmet and attached nipple clamps to measure what they called apa-trons,” Aldridge described. “Then they started asking me questions. They got to one about whether or not I was interested in seeing the new Jennifer Aniston romantic comedy, and I just didn’t care. Suddenly sparks shot out of the machine, the lights went out, and the thing burst into flames.” It seems Aldridge cared so little that he broke the machine with the sheer force of his apathy. “I don’t know what happened,” said lead scientist Dr. Randy Hauptman. “It’s chaos around here now. The indifferent shockwave he sent out messed with the brains of some of our brightest minds. They don’t even care about science anymore, they just wanna hang out. They’re completely uninterested.” As for the future of the ‘Don’t Give a Shit Box’ Hauptman is unclear. “Maybe we just weren’t meant to know how little people care about other people’s shit.” The scientists plan to sell the machine for scrap and start work on a project that measures exactly how badass something is.

Hipster Admits to Never Having Heard That Record
BROOKLYN, NY--Andrew Von Ryan was pummeled with shame and ridicule at a Williamsburg loft party last Friday night upon declaring he had never heard the Broken Social Scene record, Broken Social Scene Presents Kevin Drew. One guest was heard vomiting just after Von Ryan, during a brief lull in the music, explained to a woman who declined to be interviewed that he had every intention of picking up the record but just hadn't gotten around to it. Sensing distinct un-hipness and a lack of reverence for the indy rock mainstays, the crowd rapidly turned against Von Ryan, who was unable to run very fast in jeans so tight, and was subsequently thrown down the fire escape and told not to come back without a proper respect for music.