Broken News: Broken In Brief Collection

Due to absolutely no demand at all, we present the first three sets of our nationally beloved "Broken in Brief" sidebar feature. The hip new craze that took the entertainment world by storm, causing TV funnyman Jay Leno to remark "I know those two rotten fucks killed my dogs, but I just can't prove it. I'm a rich man and I can't wait to use my power to have both Matthew and Sean beaten and drowned in the ocean of their choosing."

Thanks for the kind words. Onward to genius!

SET 1:

Clif Bars to Luna Bars: Go Fuck Yourself!
SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Tensions erupted today between leading synthesized protein bricks designed for hyperactive yuppies with mountain bikes. Clif Bars issued a public statement informing Luna Bars that it, "Can go fuck itself in its yogurty asshole." Clif Bars then high-fived itself and went rock climbing. Luna Bars refused comment, claiming it had Yoga in ten minutes.

American self esteem at all time low, you ugly whore
AMERICA, USA – Recent data suggests that you don't think very highly of yourself, America. In a recent poll, 4 out of 5 of you claimed they were an emotional and physical abomination confessedly unworthy of economic, cultural and military supremacy. 1 out of 5 was too busy working their way through a tub of cookie dough ice cream with their bare hands to answer the phone.

Cat picture without 'lol speak' on it found in back corner of internet
OMAHA, NE – World of Warcraft battlegrounds mainstay, Bryan Jeffe, better known as "KyLzOr", inadvertently stumbled across a jpeg of a kitten without lolspeak during a routine mid-afternoon porn plumbing last week. Jeffe immediately photoshopped the picture, adding "CAN I HAS LOLSPK PLZ?" and sent it to his entire guild.

SET 2:

NASA Snickers, Admits Launches "Just Cool to Watch"
CAPE CANAVERAL, FL--After four consecutive decades of budget cuts and plummeting public enthusiasm, the National Aeronautic and Space Administration finally admitted they had been adding odd and unnecessary shit to rocket payloads for almost twenty years. This announcement came as a surprise to the five Americans who still pay attention to space-based research. Dr. Dan Wiley, Chief Operations Engineer at the Kennedy Space Center, explained, "I've got over 600 people here with highly advanced degrees, all impervious to traditional distractions like booze or sex. I have to keep them interested somehow, right? What better than firing a used diaper or a case of Kit Kats into low orbit?" When asked to elaborate, Dr. Wiley said, "I can't go into too much detail, but I will say this: The last communications satellite we sent up? It had an Orange Julius container full of my pee hidden in one of the instrument panels."

Object-to-Groin Fails to Enthrall Masses
LOS ANGELES, CA--Reality television producer Dustin Gavin was baffled by lackluster test audience reaction to footage of a man being struck in the genitals by a boat propeller during a screening of his upcoming FOX series, "That's Gonna Leave a Mark." Upon viewing the scene, featuring a balding, portly middle-aged man performing routine maintenance on an outboard motor, the majority of viewers blinked a few times and turned their attention back to the free nachos provided at the screening. Gavin, whose career was largely built on the strong shoulders of mail-in VHS footage of errant, crotch-bound golf clubs and pinata sticks, fears the medium might have finally passed him by. "A decade ago, I could've turned a horrific pogo stick accident that left a man unable to sire children into a new Porsche. These days, I get crisp footage of a man stopping 150 cc of spinning metal with his unit and don't hear so much as a chuckle. Fuck YouTube!"

Justices Rule 5-4 that Decisions are Consistent with Conventional Ideology
WASHINGTON--The Supreme Court delivered yesterday it 71st consecutive 5-4 decision, reaffirming the notion that one half of this country should despise the other, on judicial grounds if nothing else. The case, deemed much less important than the zeitgeist it sought to restate, was not given a name and will be listed in the public record as 4E v. A. In what will surely be portrayed by whichever head is talking at the time as either a principled constitutionalist assertion or nefarious meddling on the part of activist judges, the ruling paves the way for the American population to continue drinking large quantities of bad beer and watching shitty television.

SET 3:

Body of Health Ledger Revealed to Actually Resemble Joker
PERTH--The $100 million-dollar promotional campaign surrounding the release of The Dark Knight entered its final and, somehow, most offensive stage over the weekend as Warner Brothers exhumed the body of the late Heath Ledger. Flanked by studio executives and several cast members, Writer/Director Christopher Nolan used a golden crowbar to pry open Ledger's casket, exposing a shrunken, shriveled corpse that bore a striking resemblance to famous Batman nemesis The Joker, portrayed by Ledger in the film. The six-month-old corpse crumpled across the ground before being illuminated by a small replica of the "Bat Signal," after which all present repaired to various limos and hotel rooms to begin counting their money. Renowned British actor Gary Oldman, who plays Lieutenant James Gordon in the franchise, declined to attend, calling the event "A horrendous affront to basic human dignity," before adding, "What in the blue fuck is wrong with you people?"

Woman's Twitter Feed Deemed "Uninteresting"
MIAMI, FL--After nearly two months of operation, the online consensus is that Sara Vasquez’s Twitter feed is uninteresting. “Why should I care about ‘Schleepy, need koffees’ and haikus about the saddest butterflies?” commented Kevin Hark, one of Vasquez's three followers. “I don’t care if she’s going to a fudge factory unless that’s an extremely filthy euphemism. I know it’s only 140 characters but this is vapid even by Twitter standards. There were a few Tweets she made last week from her cell while she was in a long line at the supermarket that made me almost stop hitting refresh.” Vasquez, devastated, has vowed to either start leading a more interesting life or come to the realization that not everyone needs to document their mundane existence in poorly thought-out sentence fragments. She’s contemplating starting a blog in the fall.

Treasury worker wonders "What's with all these fuckin' pennies?"
WASHINGTON--Today Treasury Deputy Secretary Robert Kimmitt wondered aloud what many in the department secretly felt: “What’s with all the fuckin’ pennies?” The one cent piece has for some time cost more to make than it is actually worth. This irony, combined with its almost complete lack of a purpose in today’s society has some wondering if we even need the penny at all. “Who uses them?” Kimmitt ranted. "They take up space and you need a hundred of them just to get a dollar, which is also nearly useless. Fuck, I whip ‘em at pigeons and use rolls of them to cold cock motherfuckers just for the thrill of it. I sure as shit don’t spend them. This isn’t the goddamn fifties when three of them could get me some cheap hand action from your grandmother. Money fetishists don’t even need them any more, they can whack off to the extra big Lincoln on the five. Fuck pennies!” What’s next for the penny is unclear, but starting in November National Parks Service workers will be given rolls of them to deal with pigeon and loitering problems, at the suggestion of Secretary Kimmitt.