Wednesday, August 27, 2008
She did it, Biff and Wink, she did it. Hillary Clinton, with one speech, healed the entire Democratic party, which the media told me was irrevocably broken with internecine warfare breaking out on the floor of the convention. Pikemen from Illinois were besieging the suite of Wes Clark, Jimmy Carter was garroting Terry McAulliffe, and suddenly it all stopped as Hillary strode to the stage to tell everyone she supported Barack Obama. Rifts were healed immediately, Al Gore was declared retroactive winner of 2000, and cartoon animals were scampering throughout the mezzanine. She supports Barack Obama and is against John McCain. Who could have foreseen it?
Also, my Senator, Bob Casey, delivered a 'kind of' attack speech in a tone that can only be described as a massively sedated Hank Hill from King of the Hill. He is the most low key, boring man on the earth and he still destroyed Rick Santorum by double digits.
Also of note, of you watch CNN you can hear Paul Begala and James Carville bitch about how no one is giving speeches attack McCain and Bush while speeches go on in the background. If you turn to PBS or C-Span you can see those speeches and hear them hurl invective at Bush and McCain. The best political team in news, CNN.
On tap for night three: danger, intrigue, sexiness, explosions, balls to the wall bare ass speed, and speeches, speeches, speeches. Also officially nominating that Obama guy. No comptrollers today. The theme for the day is: Securing America’s Future.
Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid
He's supposed to give a speech about the intertwined policies of John McCain and George Bush, but John Boehner and Mitch McConnell twisted his arm really hard. So he's going to give a speech on why Barack Obama is bad for America. He doesn't really want to, but they just forced his hand and there's nothing he can do about it, he's only the Senate Majority Leader.
Chicago Mayor Richard Daley
Poll fixing and working precincts for amateurs. Vote early and often. He goes through an exhaustive 100 slide power point presentation on how to wring the most votes out of a beleaguered population and a political class that owes you big time. He's the Al Gore of sixties style Democratic machine politics slide presentations. He needs to get to the makers of the voting machine companies like Republicans do, this old school shit doesn't work anymore.
Governor Bill Richardson (Evil version)
Ever since he escaped from a side dimension soon after good Richardson left the race, evil Richardson has been stalking the airwaves with his evil goatee, plotting his evil plots of South Western populism. There will be no awkwardness with James Carville, who called him a Judas. James Carville will be disposed of in a most unpleasant manner: he will be suffocated inside his own ass. Expect podium pounding, exultations of fealty to the United Galactic Federation, and a cry of 'end communication' as he 'x'es his arms over his chest.
President Bill Clinton, Pimp of the Nation
More whining about whether Bill can also heal the divide which Hillary already healed or if he'll get all pouty and shuffle his feet and mumble a bit on the podium. Apparently he'll talk about foreign policy, but he's mad because he wanted to talk about economic issues. Also because his wife lost a spot at the Presidency she was entitled too. But expect much whining about problems between Bill and Barack before everything is declared fixed at the exact conclusion of his speech. That or Clinton pulls out a gun and starts firing it wildly into the Virginia delegation screaming "Why didn't you vote for my wife?"
Senator Joe Biden, Nominee for VP
The big speech of the night, where the veep wannabe launches attacks on Bush and McCain in the inimitable "Oh no you didn't", cutting, disbelieving, loquacious Biden style. Scientists have working all week to come up with the precise medical dose of drugs to keep him on message and to have no side tangents.
No bonus drinking game. Go to church you pathetic drunkard. Your mother weeps for your gin soaked soul.