These Bastards guide to Barrypalooza: Day 1

Where's the giant America flag, Democrats? You better believe John-boy will make the opening speech from Patton look like it coulda used a bigger flag.

It's everyone's favorite time of the year: political convention time! The time where America's favorite prime time sitcoms are pre-empted in an attempt to force citizens to take an active interest in their country. Hasn't worked yet! Perhaps in four years they can devise an extra funny quip for Charlie Sheen to crack on Two and a Half Men that drives up voter turnout. Boring speeches by people they don't know doesn't work.

The theme is One Nation. Some sort of obvious communist code. On deck for today:

Call to Order
The Honorable Howard Dean
Dean grunts open the ceremonies with the traditional bang of the gavel, good luck shot of bourbon, and voodoo incantation of bad omens towards Republicans and America. He then moves outside for the ceremonial "arresting of the first protester" where he turns the firehose on some socialist from a New England Liberal Arts College, destroying his senior thesis: a giant Vladimir Putin puppet holding a "Nyet!" banner.

National Anthem
Colorado Children's Chorale
These children love America and thus, by extension, so do Democrats. They hope this will provide cover for their secret, evil intentions I heard about on Hannity's show the other day. Unlike the Republican convention, they are in no danger of being molested by any members of Florida's 16th district.

Remarks
Ballin' Dan "Comptroll That Ass" Hynes: State Comptroller, Illinois
America's most beloved state comptroller. How they were able to get him to free up his schedule and appear is beyond me. His combustible personality and free wheeling, showboat comptrolling has made him beloved in his home state of Illinois. Many have him tapped for the Presidency in 2016.

Remarks
The Honorable Jesse Jackson, Jr.
Awkwaaaaard. Expect a lot of apologizing for his father and reaffirmations that he doesn't want to cut Barack's nuts off. In fact, everybody's nuts are safe at the DNC, that is his solemn pledge. Complimentary jock staps and cups will be handed out with a picture of him making the 'safe' sign on them.

Senator Edward M. Kennedy Tribute
Both speeches and video honoring Sweaty Teddy, the most liberal man in America. Reports have him appearing by video or perhaps even busting through a brick wall, marching to the podium, knocking over Claire McCaskill, and delivering a stem-winder about universal health care. In any event, you'll have to try and hear it over the teeth grinding and bitter whispers of "Chappaquiddick" from your angry Republican friend. Why do you make him watch these things anyway?

Remarks
Michelle Obama
Closing off the night with a big speech is Barack's wife Michelle. Terrorist fist bumps abounds! Not the usual spot for the wife, what with the big speech making on the first night, but expect either a real political conventiony type speech or a paean about why she loves Barry and thus you should too.

Then the convention day ends and we all go to sleep with dreams of Jim Leach and Amy Klobuchar giving speeches about Unity in our heads.

Bonus drinking game: Do a shot every time they mention John McCain's million houses. You won't even make it past 7:15. Learn to drink like a man!