Occupied territory.While this week's South Ossetian War could be considered nothing short of a complete success for the Russian military machine, with its Georgian opponent reduced to pieces, tears, and tear-strewn pieces, Medvedev insisted more was required of his forces. "There are underutilized elements of the mighty Russian military that must be deployed, lest they descend into complacency," said Russia's third official President. "How could you have these capabilities and not use them to cripple the infrastructure of whatever fledgling democracy happened to gain traction on your borders? Sometimes Russia has to beat the shit out of a smaller country to remind everyone we're still around. Coins were flipped, darts thrown, and Georgia came up every time. Deal with it."
This sentiment was echoed by South Ossetian War veteran, Lieutenant General Anatoly Khrulyov, who is now commanding the Russian 58th Army in Dimension X. "Look, if you had 300 surplus Zil 135 Mobile Missile Platforms just sitting around gathering dust, you'd want to use them, too. Georgia made eyes at us just a little too long. In a jailhouse you can fuck someone up for that and Russia loosely qualifies as a Supermax prison."
Earlier today, two Russian divisions poured through the Dimensional Portal that had been opened up near Goli, Georgia, and quickly seized Balaraphon, a planet inhabited exclusively by pacifists. The citizenry is no stranger to aggressive foreign powers, though, having endured a simultaneous invasion by notorious villains Krang and Shredder. Military spokesman Sergei Kulakhmetov cautioned against hubris. "These people know death. They know war. None among us would be surprised if some amphibian-based organized resistance movement formed quickly."
To that end the Russian military has been rounding up and exterminating all nearby members of Class Reptilia, Order Testudines, any smart looking rats, and has forbidden the teaching of martial arts to animals. Two species, the Georgian Minefield Tortoise and the Tbilisian Crater Terrapin, have already been wiped out.
Russian Prime Minister Vladmir Putin, largely credited with having his hand up Medvedev's ass so as to have better access to the president's larynx and jaw, has been "advising" the newly "elected" president to "guard against" any "incursion" by "otherworldly elements." Dimension X, with its substantial natural resources, easily enslaved workforce, and capacity for inter-dimensional travel, clearly presented a legitimate threat to the post-Soviet (still Communist), Democratic (still Autocratic), internationally engaged (still Assholes) way of life.
The international community was quick to condemn the invasion. The governments of France, Great Britain, and The United States called for an end to hostilities in hopes of brokering a peace deal between our two dimensions. Without apparent irony, an excited President George Bush canceled a fishing trip and issued a statement declaring, "The government of the United States will not stand idly by while one sovereign nation invades, occupies, and exploits the natural resources of another. I have looked into the mutated, malformed eyes of the Dimension X creatures and have seen what would be their soul if they were Christian human peoples. We must help them, lest I be blamed for this." In a moment of triumphant self-reassurance, the President then giggled, “In my heart, I always knew cartoons were real.”
Nor did the invasion escape the scrutiny of presumptive Republican presidential nominee, John McCain. Speaking in Kirby, Tennessee to a small gathering of fellow Civil War veterans, Senator McCain said of the invasion, "My friends it’s time for some straight talk. A troubling development, one that goes against everything America stands for, is taking place in Dimension X, my friends. Skaarg and the Dregma Brothers have every right to feel safe and secure in broadcasting wrestling matches from their asteroid, my friends. And, my friends, Russia clearly did not anticipate the repercussions of Stump and Sling escaping from the Dimension X Penitentiary."
At this, Joe Lieberman leaned over and whispered to McCain, who then cleared his throat and explained, "My friends, what I meant to say was that Stump and Sling run the wrestling matches on the asteroid, while Skaarg and the Dregma Brothers are inmates at the penitentiary. My friends."
Putin and Medvedev are said to be pondering designs of themed villain costumes, which they plan to don later this month in hopes of gaining greater credibility with the denizens of Dimension X. Early leaks suggest Putin will transform himself into some kind of creature made of pure polonium, encased in a sort of atmospheric diving suit complete with Buck Rodgers-esque laser guns. Medvedev, lacking his predecessor's creative flair, is just going to go with a knife based/cutting-themed costume, and will likely be known as the Slicer or Shanker. Russian scientists have reported that the technology to remove his head and place it in some sort of bodybuilder robot’s stomach, or perhaps inside a giant spider robot, is not yet feasible.
Whether Dimension X will be able to withstand the invasion is anyone's guess. With Balaraphon and the Eden Worlds already under Russian control, military analysts predict it is only a matter of time before Hirobyl is seized as well. And as one war historian put it, if you take Hirobyl, you can push all the way to Stalingrad.
No comments:
Post a Comment