Wednesday, August 6, 2008
PARIS- In what could prove to be a landmark shift that could restructure global power, French President Nicholas Sarkozy has lost his secret G-8 Decoder Ring of Power, causing the country’s immediate expulsion from the Group of Eight. France is in a panic as the nation's citizens scramble to find The One Thing that can keep them from becoming one of the "Sub-Italy's" in the European Union, relegated to sitting with Belgium at lunch and having to put up with Portugal's insipid bullshit. As President Sarkozy scrambles to remember just where the fuck he left The One Thing that can get him into the secret G-8 washroom and gym, the rest of the world hunts ravenously for a trinket capable of moving them into the global elite.
The eight rings, forged by Woodrow Wilson and David Lloyd George in 1917, were originally intended for the League of Nations. The rings were meant to wield secret powers that would imbue the League with the strength to rule and the wisdom to prevent another World War. A secondary ring characteristic enabled the wearers to send coded messages to each other that only ring wearers could decipher. It is unclear what these alleged secret powers were, exactly, but unconfirmed reports claim US President Wilson once used his ring induce dementia in French President Paul Deschanel for what was, at the time, described as “shits and giggles.”
Eventually things got out of control as George reportedly used a ring to expose a US delegation of Senators to syphilis, causing the United States Congress to fail to ratify joining the League. At a drunken meeting of the League of Nations Commission on Hookers and Ribald Fuckery in 1920, Canadian Prime Minister Sir Robert Borden won all the rings in a high stakes game of poker and then traded the rings for beaver pelts, as was his sexual proclivity. The rings were then thought lost to the vile, underground Canadian black market. Many blame the loss of these rings for the illegitimacy and ultimate failure of the League of Nations.
“It was a blow to be sure,” said League history buff Don Merton. “Those rings would’ve come in handy. No one knows what they did, but imagine if Khrushchev was all like banging his shoe and shit on a desk and, like, Clement Atlee was all like ‘No way, fucker, you aren’t starting World War II. Over my dead limey ass.’ And then he, like, slipped on the ring and used his laser eye beams to blow that Russkie's borscht fucking brains all over Reagan. And Ronnie’s all like ‘Oh no you didn’t just get commie-brains all over my Gucci loafers.’ That would totally have been awesome.”
When this reporter pointed out that none of those people were in charge during the same decade, and that Mr. Merton’s grasp of history was tenuous at best, he quickly produced a smoke grenade, set it off and dove out the nearby window.
The rings were eventually found in early 1973 by Richard Nixon, having been tricked by Pierre Trudeau into attending a North American logging conference in Winnipeg. Nixon, while searching in the back corners of a flea market for an incendiary device with which to incinerate Trudeau's home and family, stumbled upon the rings. He bought them under the pretense of marrying and killing eight brides on eight separate nights over Hanukkah, a lifelong goal that resurfaced as political life began to bore the former US President. When the third wife/victim, Congresswoman Bella Abzug (D-NY), identified the rings and their powers, staffers quickly reacted to wrestle the rings away from Tricky Dick after he swore to combine the powers of all eight to, "level fucking China like an ancient god."
In order to scatter the rings for the sake of humanity, a crime at the Watergate hotel was fabricated, Nixon was framed for it, and the G-6 was created. The rings were handed out to France, West Germany, Italy, Japan, and the United Kingdom at a ceremony in Rambouillet in 1975. The following year Canada was let in by Gerald Ford, who wished to perform a social experiment gauging what would happen if an irrelevant country was given power in principle, though not in practice. Europe was allowed to attend but not given full status by the UK on a similar premise: fuck Europe. After the fall of communism, Russia was allowed to join so that they wouldn’t have to let Mexico in.
Since then the organization has grown into a global power, able to set the agenda for war, economic policy, the environment, and development. Within the eight they have conspired to control nearly 70% of the world’s economic output, seven of the eight biggest military spenders, and almost all the active nuclear weapons. Those in the know credit the rings with intimidating all the other countries of the world to bend to the will of the G-8.
Thus the significance of Sarkozy’s blunder: according to G-8 bylaws, whoever finds the ring will gain access to the G-8. As such there are already reports of South American and African Presidents and Prime Ministers patrolling the streets of Paris looking for their golden ticket to respectability.
“This is big,” reported G-8 observer Jack Mees. “The countries where G-8 members incite wars for fun could now get a seat at the table. If Africa gets a seat things are really going to be awkward. The UK and US can barely even make eye contact with them at this point. Just wait until Africa learns about all the things the G-8 did for the Wilsonian 'S&G' standard. They won’t find the 'Abject Poverty or AIDS or both Wheel’ nearly as funny as Gordon Brown did. He couldn’t stop laughing when Nigeria and ‘AIDSbola’ came up on the last spin.”
Reports are unclear but Brazil is reported to have run through Paris’ red light district performing body cavity searches in brothels Sarkozy is known to frequent. Paraguay and Uraguay have banded together to search the sewers in an attempt to wield joint control over any found ring. China is reportedly furiously working to produce a cheap knockoff to try and bluff its way in.
Sarkozy is reported to be dirty, angry, and impolite, but also kinda cool and disaffected. If it isn’t around his château he is planning to charm it off of the smaller, uncool country that finds it. As it is, he is content to nail his hot model wife and cut a duet album due for release in the winter.