The plot thickens

Look, we all know that Arizona had to get it's border in order by arresting anyone who is suspected of enjoying Tecate and Corona unironically. I mean after all, these Mexicans are not only almost all drug mules, but they're beheading each other in the desert in scenes that would make Cormac McCarthy grimace. So says AZ Governor Jan Brewer, who sticks by her story no matter how many media outlets say she tells insane lies or that she's an insane liar.

But Brewer has only uncovered the tip of the Latino spear. Rep. Sue Myrick (R-NC), the ranking GOP member of the House Intelligence Subcommittee on Intelligence Community Management who would become the chairwoman if Republicans take back the House, has found an even more sinister plot. By "found" I do mean "imagined". But the thought of it did give her the vapors so hard that it's practically the same as the truth.

MYRICK: Well the thing that concerns me, and you mentioned this briefly, Iran is working with Venezuela. And they’re transiting through Venezuela, taking Spanish for maybe six months. They’re getting the false documents that they need, coming up through Mexico and if they’re stopped, they just say well I’m Spanish. And it, oh I mean Mexican...
...
And the other thing that we’re seeing, and we’re seeing it in your state in particular in the prisons is Farsi tattoos. Farsi is basically a Persian language, which Iran is, and we know we’ve seen Arabic tattoos in our prisons for a long time, but we haven't seen Farsi tattoos in a long time.

That cinches it! Iran and Venezuela are working together to subvert our borders and fill up our prisons! Those prisons are for black people, Iran and Venezuela, not fake Mexicans with Farsi tattoos!

Once these Iranian agents learn the secret of our prisons, our fruit and vegetable picking operations, how to get building work standing out in front of the Home Depot, and low paid child care... my God, they'll be unstoppable. You know, as long as their obvious Farsi tattoos (that probably say "secret agent" in foreignese) don't blow their secret status. But Rep. Myrick is on to you, Iranezuela Global Conspiracy!

I think it's clear what we need to do here. 100 foot wall across the border? Sure. But we need to fear the Latino! When they aren't beheading people to steal the drugs they're smuggling, they're stealing our freedom and sending it back to Mexico, and engaging in terrorist conspiracies with Muslims. Fear the Hispanic. And, for good measure, the Gypsies, Homosexuals, and the Jews. But mostly the Mexicans and fake-Mexican Venezuelan Iranians. It's the only way we'll be safe from the imaginations of Republican border governors and Republican Intel Committee members who should both theoretically know better.

Headlines

Florida Senate Candidate Believes That Terrorist Sorcerers Are Coming To Rape Our Cars

Yeah, you're going to want to click through to learn about the conspiracy that reaches back beyond Salem to before the Vikings, effects our bowel movements, and our transportation. Paiboon Sunthonchart Jr. knows and now he wants you to know.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 07.08

Darryl Cunningham Investigates: Homeopathy

In You're Living Up To The Stereotype of Your Country News, Colombian police have uncovered an attempt to send 24 pounds of cocaine to Spain in the form of a molded World Cup statute. Don't plan that celebration, you still have to get through the Oranje first, Espana. Bonus points for creativity, you did find a substance that would make the value of the World Cup even greater. All that aside, if you want an even better story about Colombians and World Cup soccer, give the ESPN documentary The Two Escobars a look.

Let me see if you can follow this. The public sentiment is for cutting the deficit and cutting spending, while at the same time improving the economy and job market. If government were to focus on spending cuts and deficit reduction that would have a negative effect on the economy and job markets, making them worse. Economists know this and have been saying it for months. Our elected betters have been told this for months and should know it. Yet, cutting the deficit and spending is popular. So what is everyone going to do? Try to cut the deficit and spending in order to win in November. Because if we've learned anything over the past decade, it's that doing something smart isn't a good idea if doing something dumb and popular and destructive is. I'll see you in the bread lines.

After years of stalling anything and everything that Democrats could do, Republicans are riding high over thoughts of what could happen in November. They're even planning out their new agenda. But after hamstringing the Democrats on all their priorities, surely Democrats wouldn't be eager to help the GOP go after one of their priorities: gutting Social Security. I mean, that would be ridiculous, helping Republicans carve up one of the great progressive achievements in the country's history, right? Wrong. The Democrats are eager to help. And why not, fucking with Social Security is so very popular. Besides, old people love eating catfood. Good luck with that.

What if I were to tell you that not only was there an Illuminati card game that referenced a Gulf oil spill, but there was an oil company board game from the seventies that talked about the possibility as well. Surely you'd think this was just a decently thought out scenario that simply prefaced an easily possible bad scenario using the oil industry and the area with which they were working in, right? Nope. IT'S PROOF THIS WHOLE OIL SPILL WAS PLANNED ALL ALONG!! JESUS CHRIST, CAN'T YOU SEE IT? Man, the Illuminati, Parker Brothers, the Trilateral Commission, and the Egg Council were all planning this for decades. We're through the looking glass here people. Comb through Trivial Pursuit to see if there are any cryptic references to nuclear war and I'll see when Rock 'em Sock 'em Robots predicted the robots would take over.

Europe Is Better Than Us: #3,215 in a series. In this episode Europe, having surveyed the damage cause by global financial giants, sees that it might be smart to tie bonuses to little things like results, performance, and whether or not a collection of assholes toilets the world economy or not. This is just one of the many, better, steps that their continent has taken while we still dick around wondering if we should leave everything pretty much as is, or give the financial giants a little slap on the knuckles and tell the scamps not to do it again. Plus it comes right at the same time the Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development pillories us for hamstringing our own recovery, employment prospects, and general social fabric. On the bright side, if we continue to ignore their good advice and follow their smart lead, nothing they do in Brussels will be able to stop the effects of the next mega crisis America enables. Who's the smart one now, Europe?

In closing, enjoy this racist cat.

I like mine done medium-rare

What with loathed British shitbag Tony Hayward off to the Middle East to beg sheiks for bailout money in a way that doesn't result in him being made to wear a dress and join a harem, BP has been hurting for some really bad news that makes people hate them more. In fact, what with BP sponsoring our love of sky explosions and the baseball combined with this country's gnat-like attention span, the might even be inching their approval rating into that high teens Dick Cheney area.

So really, what's one thing they could do to really surprise and offend us in a new way so as to squander the good will they're getting as a result of spending about as much on PR as they are on the cleanup? Did I hear someone say "burn animals alive"? You know, ones bigger than the turtles? DING DING DING! Bonus points for the man in the back with the magnifying glass, ant-farm, and the sociopath's gaze.

They didn't even cook it right to get the diamond grill marks. Is there no corner they won't cut?

Now I know some of you are saying "How do we know this was BP's fault? How do we know that this whale didn't set itself on fire or swim into a controlled burn area on purpose in order to commit suicide, possibly over a whale romance gone bad?" Ok, valid points. To this I say what if BP set the whale on fire... because it knew too much!

But hell, maybe there is a valid scientific explanation that doesn't legally remonstrate BP for burning a giant sea creature. Science? Anyone from science want to present a plausible alternative theory? I know you're purposefully being kept away from this spill and your solutions are being ignored, so here's your chance to get in there and help.

What's that? A hypercarnivorous giant ancient whale shark that ate smaller whales, you say? I'm sure evolution could have had them develop some sort of rudimentary fire deployment system for cooking their food over the 12 million years since they last existed. Yes, that's clearly what happened here. A new giant species of super whale that's bears some sort of PR grudge against BP. I think we can close the books on this one. BP would never do this, they paid for fireworks one time.

Stay classy, Stevesy

Glenn Beck's 9/12 Project hasn't gone away. You know, that thing where we're all supposed to return to the mindset we had the day after 9/11: panicked, fearful, and willing to sacrifice virgins into volcanoes and gut our Constitution in order to feel a tiny bit safer. But apparently they've moved on from being a vague movement about feelings to teaming up with tea partiers to show their support for Arizona's "Walknig while Latino" law.

People inspired by the words of Glenn Beck and tea baggers joining forces to bag of Mexicans? I wonder who they would get to speak at that event? Turns out the answer is terminally retarded blowhard Rep Steve King (R-IA). What did he have to say? First he made the Jong-il like boast that he alone possessed fence technology to stop Santa Anna's new invasion.

King told the gathering of over 100 people that he could build a border wall that would ensure “not [even] a cockroach” could get across.

I think we know what "cockroaches" he's talkin' about. La cucarachas! HAW HAW HAW!

Any other bright ideas?

King said that under only one circumstance does he support amnesty for illegal immigrants: “Every time we give amnesty for an illegal alien, we deport a liberal.”

HAW HAW HAW! Then them liberals can go to their beloved Mexico which they love so much they are letting it assault our freedoms and pick the blossoming fruit of liberty for sub-minimum wages.

Of course after dropping those two Oscar Wilde-esque bon mots from in front of a Truck Nuts billboard, it was of course time for questions from the audience. Which means he was asked about some conspiracy theory. I wonder how he handled this?

QUESTION: I keep reading that Obama keeps bringing small quantities of Muslims into this country. Why can’t Congress stop that?

KING: You know, I don’t know what the basis is of that. I wouldn’t be surprised that that is the real factual basis. ... I appreciate you making the point. I will try to watch it.

Yup, President Hussein Obama X, the Last Imam hisself, is personally smuggling Muslims into this country. Probably on Air Force One, Sea Force One, or Hot Air Balloon Force One. Small quantities.. cells if you will... setting them up across the country... preparing them for the day after the UN black helicopters steal everyone's guns... then: The United Islamic Caliphate of America. OH I KNEW IT WAS COMING!

Most people would respond to an accusation that the PResident was smuggling Muslims into the country with a nicely placed "Shut the fuck up you crazy and don't get your deluded insanity secretions on me... I hear that's how you spread it" before casually flipping off the audience. Not Steve "Iowa's Pride" King. No, he does his best to confirm that's what he's heard as well and then thanks the person for bringing it to his attention and assures them he'll keep an eye on it. That's how turn crazy into votes.... a probably some future Ruby Ridge style FBI standoff.

Way to keep it classy, Steve. I eagerly await your House Special Committee on The President Who Done What Smuggled All Them Moozlams Into Our Fine Country.

The conspiracy revealed

Now that we're two months into this oil spill thing, I think we can all be clear of one thing: it was a conspiracy. Shady forces colluding with even shadier forces to dump bazillions of barrels of oil into the gulf in order to further their goals. Yet no one wants to mention this for fear they'll be labeled an insane douchebag or as ripping off Rush Limbaugh's material. Thankfully we have North Carolina GOP congressional candidate and teabagger Bill Randall to make the case for us. Oh yeah, you knew it would be a teabagger.

"Personally, and this is purely speculative on my part and not based on any fact, but personally I feel there is a possibility that there was some sort of collusion. I don’t know how or why, but in that situation, if you have someone from a company violating a safety process and the government signing off on it, excuse me, maybe they wanted it to leak."

“But then it got beyond what was anticipated, and we had an explosion and loss of life. And, oh man, then we have panic. Is there a cover up going on? I’m not saying there necessarily is. But I think there’s enough facts on the table for people that (they) really need to do some investigative research and find out what went on with that and get a subpoena of records and everything else.”

He doesn't want to suggest there was a conspiracy or say that there's evidence of it, he just wants to suggest there was a conspiracy and say that there's evidence of it.

Well now that he's lifted the veil on this nefarious collusion, we here at These Bastards would like to offer up this suggestion of the way it all went down. We're not saying this is exactly how it went down, but this is just what we've transcribed form the tapes we have of the meeting.

Barack Obama: Listen, I've talked it over with the lizard people, the reploids, the Trilateral Commission, the Ruling Commission of the Bilderburg Group, and the Seven Jew Bankers in the bunker under Zurich... they agree: it's time to spill a shitload of oil into the ocean.

Tony Hayward: Agreed. While this would normally seem like a horrible idea that would both cripple our company financially, make us extremely unpopular, and hamper the future of offshore drilling as a whole, we thing this is a great step forward.

Obama: As do I, even though at first glance engineering a massive environmental catastrophe miles underground and starting the largest oil spill in world history would seem counterproductive to my goals and make me seem weak, this is clearly the best step forward. Because we all know what will happen if we spill an inconcievable amount of crude into the Gulf...

Both together: Profit! And power!

(both laugh maniacally)

Hayward: I'll call Halliburton, Transocean, the merpeople, and Bigfoot and we'll get this started.

Obama: I'll start counting the money and consolidating power.

Hayward: Wait, but what if some freedom loving patriot, caught up in the spirit of 1776, decides to expose this conspiracy during the election season?

Obama: Hah! It'll never happen! Our plan is too brilliant!

(both laugh uproariously)

Obama: Now let's talk about that slush fund...

This all makes so much sense. It was all so obvious. Thank God we have Bill Randall to light the way.

Tragedy

As Michele Bachmann explained to us yesterday, we are in the midst of a crisis. A large corporation is being held to account for the things it has done. The scandal! The shame of it all. But lest we dismiss her fevered rantings as some outlier in the GOP, the rest of her cohorts took to the streets to drum up support for BP and the horribly onerous conditions that they've been put in.

Rep. Joe Barton of Texas ('natch) took time out of a public hearing of the House Energy and Commerce Committee to apologize directly to the executives at BP. How sweet of the man.

BARTON:I’m ashamed of what happened in the White House yesterday. I think it is a tragedy of the first proportion that a private corporation can be subjected to what I would characterize as a shakedown, in this case a $20 billion shakedown
...
I apologize, I do not want to live in a country where anytime a citizen or a corporation does something that is legitimately wrong is subject to some sort of political pressure that is again in my words amounts to a shakedown. So I apologize.

Yes, how dare they be forced to set aside funds to pay for cleanup and to help offset the possible irreparable harm they've caused to the marine economy of the Gulf Coast. What an outrage.

Not able to leave Bachmann and Barton out on their offshore shilling rig, Alabama Governor Haley Barbour took time out of his busy schedule of taking oil money and denying that oil spills were a problem or that the oil was even hitting his shores to dance for oil nickels.

BARBOUR:I do worry that this idea of making them make a huge escrow fund is going to make it less likely that they’ll pay for everything. They need their capital to drill wells. They need their capital to produce income.

That's right, BP setting aside $20 billion to pay for damages will somehow make it less likely that they'll pay for the damage. Actually, I'm fairly sure that it means they'll be paying $20 billion at a minimum. But no worries, the greater risk is that by setting aside this money to help everyone whose lives they've ruined, that this will make it harder for them to open more rigs and make more money. Christ, I'm tearing up here. poor BP. Why haven't we thought about their ability to make a profit curing this crisis? We're monsters!

Oh, they are making rather large profits even given the costs of the cleanup? Well... they could be making more.

In fact Barbour, Barton, and Bachmann are all just reading off a common script that has arisen in the right wing media over the past few days: namely that this is unconscionable that BP is being held responsible, it is unconscionable that they're being demonized and blamed for actions they caused, and that somehow our Muslim President Hussein Obama X is going to use this independent fund as a "slush fund" to... something something socialism ooga booga liberals. Somehow paying out claims becomes bribery and that's if the black President doesn't steal the money and stash it away with Fannie Mae and ACORN to... I don't know... build a time machine and go back and make white people the slaves, abolish freedom, and rape Ben Franklin.

Why defend a widely loathed corporate entity in the most tin earned manner possible? Because after decades of conservatives fighting for the rights of corporations to do whatever whenever with no repercussions, BP has done the unforgivable: admitted responsibility for a mistake and made some attempt to make it right. We went through an entire economic collapse without the responsible parties even so much as saying "Whoops". If this continues, other corporations might have to issues apologies, *gasp* pay to fix problems they created, and the unfettered right of business to be allowed to do anything to make a buck might be challenged. So thus the attempt at restitution and the government has to be made to seem worse than BP the giant Gulf of Oil they've created.

Funny how it always seems to work out like that.

Quote of the day

We've long since left the health care debate and Barack Obama and the Democrat Party's desire to murder everyone's grandma. We've now moved on to climate legislation. Or not.

But did you know that this climate bill was also a liberal plot to murder Americans? It's true. So says Rep. Paul Broun (R-GA).

BROUN: A lot of old people in Georgia and Florida and all out through the southeast and southwest they’re depending upon air condition just to live. And if their electricity goes sky high, and the energy bill is gonna make that happen if it ever passes. And a lot of people aren’t gonna be able to afford to run their air condition anymore. And a lot of people are gonna have a hard time with, hyperthermia is what we call in medicine as a medical doctor, their body temperature is gonna go up. They’re gonna get dehydration and people are gonna have a lot of problems and it’s gonna have a greater impact on our health care system and people are gonna die because of that. And it’s gonna kill jobs too.

OH OBAMA, WILL YOUR ENDLESS ATTEMPTS TO KILL EVERYONE'S GRANDMA NEVER END? WHY!?!?!?!?!?!? HYPERTHERMIA IS WHAT THEY CALL IN MEDICINE AS A MEDICAL DOCTOR!!

The climate bill will force everyone in hot states to turn off their air conditioning, causing massive heat based death. Makes sense to me.

You know what isn't going to cause heat related deaths? Global warming. So hopefully we follow Broun's lead and do nothing about it.

Retro crazy

Harry Reid is a happy man. The terminally pathetic Senate Majority Leader was looking to get handily trounced in his re-election efforts. Mostly because of the pathetic spinelessness thing. But he's seen his fortunes rise as it was revealed that almost all of his Republican opponents were crazy.

The biggest battle in the GOP primary was between two women: Sharron Angle, a teabagger, and Sue Lowden, the one who wanted our health care system to be based on the barter of chickens. In the end, last night, Reid lucked out as the crazier one won. By which I mean the teabagger.

But, lest we think we're about to enter a grand new era of crazy conspiracies about government run concentration camps, secession, abortion causing breast cancer, eliminating social security and medicare, and other various fringey talking points, Angle wants you to know that she's bringing back some of the classics in paranoid American conspiracy theories. I'm talking about fluoridation.

The Las Vegas Review-Journal reported in April 1999 that the state assembly, of which Angle was a member, voted 26-16 for a bill that required fluoridation in two counties including the cities of Reno and Las Vegas.
...
Before the vote, Assemblywoman Sharron Angle, R-Reno, sought to postpone the vote so she could add an amendment to block fluoridation in Washoe County. The Washoe County Commission in 1992 rejected fluoridation, and Angle said the Legislature should not approve fluoridation in her county.
...
[Bill proponent Chris Giunchigliani] attributed the reluctance of Angle and others to back the bill to its potential financial effect on Washoe County.

But Angle said she simply does not like fluoride.

So, if you're looking for a Senate candidate who is looking out to protect your precious bodily fluids from contamination by the international Communist conspiracy, Sharron Angle is the woman for you. They will not sap and impurify out precious bodily fluids!

In case you were wondering, that's the only way to make Harry Reid a palatable alternative. Amazing that the Nevada GOP found a way to do it. Stunning really.

Comic of the day

Among my many anti-science pet peeves is the seemingly increasing ignorant din over getting kids immunized. Or should I say, not getting kids immunized. So the story goes that in order to protect kids, they should not be vaccinated. Why? Because they'll get The Autism. So ironically in communities where this kind of thinking takes hold, vaccination rates drop, herd immunity is weakened, and kids start dying of easily preventable diseases.

The anti-vaccine nonsense stems almost entirely from a fraudulent study from a British doctor by the name of Andrew Wakefield. A man named Darryl Cunningham decided to tell the tale of Wakefield in comic form. Here is the first panel of the epic strip. Go check the rest out.

I'll note that the story has a happy ending. Last week Wakefield was found guilty of serious professional misconduct and of acting in a "dishonest", "misleading" and "irresponsible" manner by the General Medical Council of England. He was struck off the GMC register, which is essentially the British medical equivalent of being disbarred.

On the negative side, he's still allowed to spout his nonsense, having retreated to Texas (obviously) to set up his base of operations for what he calls "educating" but is more like "getting kids killed from easily preventable diseases." And he's still making appearances on TV as an "expert", hitting NBC Today on Monday. Yay America.

Messing with Texas

One must appreciate the fervency with which the Texas right wing has attempted to dumb down kids and fill textbooks with conservative fantasies and nonsense. It takes some stones to de-emphasize Thomas Jefferson so you can get in some claptrap about Phyllis Schlafly and the Moral Majority, pretend Latinos all just jumped the border and started contributing to America about six months ago, go on about how Japanese internment was just peachy, and make sure you've sufficiently provided enough information to the kids about how violent the philosophies of the Black Panthers were in case they got too nice of an idea about black people from MLK.

But, to the credit of Texas, they did finally get rid of Don McElroy, the man spearheading the changes.... except he still has time left on his term to do damage. And he is using every second of that time to its full stupid effect. What more can he have on tap for the Texas textbook standards that will likely affect dozens of additional states? Is another one of the founding fathers going to have to take a back seat so kids can understand how important Rush Limbaugh was to the rise of conservative talk radio? Do we have too favorable an opinion of Frederick Douglass? Are there still no Latinos of any historical note? Let's find out.

The new amendment (.pdf), which is expected to get a vote on Thursday, would require high school history students to "discuss alternatives regarding long term entitlements such as Social Security and Medicare, given the decreasing worker to retiree ratio" and also "evaluate efforts by global organizations to undermine U. S. sovereignty."
...
As justification for that second item, McLeroy writes: "Threats of global government to individual freedom and liberty include the votes of the U. N. General Assembly, the International Criminal Court, the U. N. Gun Ban proposal, forced redistribution of American wealth to third world countries, and global environmental initiatives."

Oh Jesus, not only do kids have to learn about the evils of socialism and entitlements, they apparently need to bone up on their UN conspiracy theories. And who can disagree? I mean it is important to learn that the UN is secretly marshaling armies to come and steal everyone's guns as a precursor to robbing us and giving all our money to Africa. Plus they want governments to deal with the environment. *shudders* The horror....

One wonders if staging a junior high Model UN gets you imprisoned now or shot outright. After all, Texas must protect itself from the black helicopters, both real and those ordered by a security council of 14 year-olds in Mr. Carruthers 3rd period Social Studies class. And what of proposals for science classes to analyze the use of tinfoil headgear to block the UN's mind reading satellites? That vote is scheduled for next week.

So congratulations to Texas. Just when I thought your textbook rewriting attempts couldn't get any more weird you fire back with some things that would raise an eyebrow or two at a Teabagger vs. Ron Paul-ite competitive bake-off. Good luck with that. The first sign of a vibrant ideology is ramming through low-rent textbook changes in an attempt to indoctrinate kids. My only consolation is that when I have children they won't have to learn any of this nonsense... they'll have to learn how to dismantle the neural net of a robot before it can get its grabber claw on you and drag you back to the hive mind for "purification of the flesh".

Conspiracy~!

You might have thought that in all this hullabaloo about drilling rig explosions, oil replacing water as the main liquid in the Gulf, environmental disaster this, decades to clean up that, poor sea turtles the other, that this all somehow presented a comprehensive case against offshore drilling. It hasn't.

I mean sure, if this disaster was the result of years of lobbying against safer practices and regulation, poor oil company safety standards, and lax safety standards, you might have a point. But it wasn't. Hold on to the tops of your skulls, because I might just blow your mind. IT WAS ALL THE RESULT OF A LIBERAL CONSPIRACY!! DUN DUN DUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNN! And if you don't believe me, surely you'll believe the leading lights of the conservative movement.

Limbaugh added: "[W]hat better way to head off more oil drilling and nuclear plants then by blowing up a rig? I'm just, I'm just noting the timing here."

Dana Perino said of the spill: "I'm not trying to introduce a conspiracy theory, but was this deliberate? You have to wonder...if there was sabotage involved."

Fox Business Network host Eric Bolling falsely claimed it was "nine days before" the leak "was even addressed" and asked, "Did they let this thing leak? ... if they're going to try and pull drilling, that may be the way they do it."

Heckuva Job Brownie: "And I would not be surprised if the White House said, you know what, we might be able to, guess what, do what? Use this crisis to our advantage. Let this crisis get really bad, and then we will step in. We will be able to shut down offshore drilling."

SEE! It's all so clear now. Clearly this isn't an offshore drilling/oil company/safety/regulation problem, this is a liberal terrorist/sabotage/government conspiracy problem. I haven't done enough research, but the Sasquatch and the mole people may be involved. We may have drilled into their underground lair or something.

Sure, liberals/reverse vampires set charges on the rig and then Obama, who secretly hates offshore drilling despite all those statements and plans to support it, waited 8 days, no, 9 days, no, 12 days, no, 7 years, before lifting a finger in order to discredit offshore drilling! Obama's Katrina! Conspiracy! Spy satellites are watching us!

So in the end we have learned, like always, that corporations are never responsible for anything and that things with obvious dangerous environmental hazards aren't dangerous at all. It turns out that everything would have run smoothly if it weren't for those damn meddling kids and their overarching conspiracy to drag down our corporate betters into the mire. Isn't that always the way?

Glenny wrote a book

I just wanted to post up the plot of the newest Glenn Beck novel he/an unpaid intern wrote. It's a harrowing thriller called the Overton Window and it's probably the funniest thing you'll read all day.

There is a powerful technique called the Overton Window that can shape our lives, our laws and our future. It works by manipulating public perception so that ideas previously thought of as radical begin to seem acceptable over time. Move the Window and you change the debate. Change the debate and you change the country.

For Noah Gardner, a twenty something public relations executive, it's safe to say that political theory is the furthest thing from his mind. Smart, single, handsome and insulated from the world's problems by the wealth and power of his father, Noah is far more concerned about the future of his social life than the future of his country.

But all of that changes when Noah meets Molly Ross, a woman who is consumed by the knowledge that the America we know is about to be lost forever. She and her group of patriots have vowed to remember the past and fight for the future—but Noah, convinced they're just a bunch of freaky conspiracy-theorists, isn't interested in lending his considerable skills to their cause.

And then the world changes.

An unprecedented attack on U.S. soil shakes the country to the core and puts into motion a frightening plan, decades in the making, to transform America and demonize all those who stand in the way. Amidst the chaos, many don't know the difference between conspiracy theory and conspiracy fact—or, more importantly, which side to fight for.

But for Noah, the choice is clear: Exposing the plan, and revealing the conspirators behind it, is the only way to save both the woman he loves and the individual freedoms he once took for granted.

After five back-to-back #1 New York Times bestsellers, national radio and Fox News television host Glenn Beck has delivered a ripped-from-the-headlines thriller that seamlessly weaves together American history, frightening facts about our present condition, and a heart-stopping plot. The Overton Window.

Christ, it's like the fantasy world that every one of his hardcore viewers likes to believe they're living in when they watch his show. I will say this about the Glennster: he knows how to suck every dime out of his audience by playing to their fears and paranoid fantasies.

In happier Glenn Beck news, the audience for the Overton Window is going to be smaller than it was, oh, say, a few months ago. Why? His show has lost 1/3 of its viewers since January. Glorious. But in this moment of joy all I can think of is the poor aardvarks he's taking this out on in a weeping rage. Those poor creatures.

/tips a bit of O.E. on the ground

To the aardvarks.

Video of the day

Are you afraid of the UN's black helicopters, government microchip implants, spy satellites that read your thoughts, CIA satellites that cause earthquakes, lizard replicants with plots to overthrow human society, ghosts, TV's and microwaves emitting thought control waves, and alien related cattle mutilations/rectal probing? Well then you would of course want these issues dressed by state of local government, right? Well then, Georgia is the state for you. On the microchip implantation thing. All the others are still valid fears.

That's right, the Georgia Senate has passed a law banning microchip implementation without consent based on the testimony of a crazy person. Seriously. The two state legislators who sponsored the legislation were named Chip. Seriously.

It made it onto a news broadcast and everything.



We at These Bastards would just like to commend Georgia for being so pro-active in addressing this threat. Now could you bother to release proper guidelines on tinfoil hat construction? I have all kinds of thought that the NSA is mind-reading... as we speak! They could be in possession of numerous Joe Biden satire pieces that I haven't even fully written yet. They could be cornering the market on childish, swear ridden, low readership blogs! I need those hat guidelines! Get on it!

The overarching chicken conspiracy

Sue Lowden is running for the GOP nomination for Senate in Nevada. In her campaign she has clearly seen an opportunity to make headway in the race and a potential showdown with Harry Reid by criticizing health reform. Being a Republican, of course she's ranting about repealing it. This is not notable. What is notable is the system she offered to replace it: a barter system. Furthermore: a barter system in which chickens could be exchanged for health care.

We at These Bastards have been long supporters of the agrarian barter economy. Mostly because paper money will have no meaning once society collapses, civilization falls, and the flesh reavers come in the night for your children. But we only think of an agrarian barter system as a means for a post-apocalyptic scenario. Sue Lowden asks: why not before? I have to say we agree. If we can get everyone to learn the basics beforehand, the transition to a full barter economy will be easier for the Hobo Council of Elders to implement.

To that end, some helpful enterprising soul has created the website The Lowden Plan, which you can use to figure out what your next medical procedure will cost in chickens. Prostate cancer? 3,514 chickens. Appendectomy? 1,019 chickens. Mammograms? A surprisingly cheap 18 chickens. Women definitely get bang for their chicken buck. Colon cancer will cost you a veritable poultry war crime of 8,738 chickens.

But this does make you ask some serious questions. Why is Sue Lowden so eager to use chickens as our new system of currency? What are her ties to KFC and Chick-Fil-A?

Not to sound crazy or reactionary but... THIS IS HOW IT BEGINS! THIS IS HOW THEY TAKE OVER! We need chickens to trade for medical care and who has all the chickens? Once day we're just sitting around having insurance companies run our health care, the next day the Colonel and all his buddies run it.

My God... I think we all knew in the back of our minds that one day franchise chicken restaurants would make their move to control America, but who knew that this would be the means they would choose: by controlling our very health. This must be why KFC launched the Double Down: to increase our need for serious medical attention. Then they get their plant Lowden to switch us over to the chicken system and they might as well run everything.

In fact, I think we can trace the insurance battle over health care and the financial crisis to the chicken barons in their golden palaces. It all makes so much sense now. The insurance companies, finance industry and chicken consortium have been working together the whole time! They have access to the highest levels of government:


This is chilling, people. We're through the looking glass. God help us all.

Muslimification

The Daily Show on how the Obama Administration may or may not be sending coded message to its Muslim brethren through summit logo designs and how Fox News is either SS or kamikaze sympathizers. Also, as a bonus: John Oliver converts weights from metric to Americanese.



That's convincing and all, but we've already seen how Obama morphed a missile defense logo into a combo Muslim crescent/Obama campaign logo signaling that this country would soon be under Shariah Law, what's to stop us from baselessly thinking this is all also Muslim conspiracy related? I mean, have you seen this?


What about this?

Do I need to put you in a burka and then honor kill you or are you starting to get it yet? OBAMA IS SENDING MESSAGES OF IMMINENT ISLAMIC OVERTHROW THROUGH THE LOGO DESIGNS OF MINOR GOVERNMENT AGENCIES AND SUMMIT MEETINGS! It's so obvious!

Look, when we're all praying five times a day towards Mecca and flying our own planes into our own buildings to teach us a lesson, don't say I didn't give you clear warnings that it was going to happen. It was in the logos!

In which we offer PR help to the Catholic Church

Pope Prada I meets Cardinal Pedobear

The Catholic Church is in a bit of hot water as of late, what with the whole 'raping kids and not doing anything about it' scandal. From revelations that the church refused to do anything to a man who molested 200 deaf kids, to revelations that the Pope himself resisted action against pedophile priests citing "the good of the universal church", accusations that you've "killed the church", inaction in other child rape cases, to threats of legal prosecution against the church, stripping of papal immunity in the UK, to the imminent buddy cop team-up and arrest of the Pope by rogue cops Christopher Hitchens and Richard Dawkins, it seems the Pope is in for a rough couple of months... followed by a rough eternity in one of nine circles.

So seeing as he's in a spot of trouble, we figured that The TB Public Relations Conglomerate are the obvious ones to give him advice on how to proceed and provide critiques of their recent media strategies and statements. First, my credentials: I was born on Good Friday and thus am probably the resurrected Messiah, I have been to or seen a church within the last decade, and can remember several instances and interactions with priests where I wasn't raped. Satisfied?

Onward with a critical review of current Vatican media strategies. Remember, this is for you own benefit, Benedict.

Bill Donohue, President of the Catholic League.

"The Times continues to editorialize about the "pedophilia crisis,: when all along it's been a homosexual crisis."... “It’s not a pedophilia” because “most of the victims were post pubescent,” as old as 12 or 13 years of age. Anything older than that is the fault of gays."

Nicely deflected. Not only is it an overarching gay conspiracy, but it isn't pedophilia, because the priests were merely raping 12 and 13 year olds. It's practically not a crime then. Still, some might not be swayed by the logic of that argument, so you might want to emphasize how raping kids once they hit their teens is practically a commandment. Plus, you referred to the New York Times as "The Times" and not "The Jew York Times". It seems like you were attempting a full triple twisting back crazy and pulled out and only singled it. We're going to have to deduct points for mild sanity in between blaming gays, parents, and everyone but the priests or the church for it. Practice the full crazy and get back out on that horse.

Grosseto Bishop Giacomo Babini

A website quoted Giacomo Babini, the emeritus bishop of Grosseto, as saying he believed a "Zionist attack" was behind the criticism, considering how "powerful and refined" the criticism is. ... Allegedly speaking to the Catholic website Pontifex, Babini, 81, was quoted as saying: "They do not want the church, they are its natural enemies. Deep down, historically speaking, the Jews are God killers."

Nicely played. The controversy so much isn't child rape, church negligence, and cover-ups, no. The controversy is how the Jewish run media is coordinating coverage of these legitimate claims of abuse and accusations of church inaction/malfeasance. This is the kind of advanced blame shifting and Jew baiting that one can only learn from a lifetime in the Church. Take notes, Mr. Donohue. Do be careful about trying to ascribe conspiracies, Jewish or otherwise, to this scandal. It has the danger of making people thing of other conspiracies. Like a conspiracy to cover up sexual abuse of children over a period of decades by a central religious authority.

Cardinal Angelo Sodano, during an Easter Mass at the Vatican.

Sodano's praise for Benedict as well as the church's 400,000 priests worldwide cranked up a vigorous campaign by the Holy See to counter what it calls a "vile" smear operation orchestrated by anti-Vatican media aimed at weakening the papacy and its moral authority. ... "Holy Father, on your side are the people of God, who do not allow themselves to be influenced by the petty gossip of the moment, by the trials which sometimes buffet the community of believers," Sodano said.

Again, nicely played by a high church muckity muck. Glibly reducing credible accusations and investigations, teary confessions, and tacit admission from the church that these accusations are true and that they saw no need to punish guilty priests further as "vile smears" and "petty gossip" is always the right track when discussing facts. Though I would not that your choice of venue, the Easter Mass at the Vatican, does smack a little of "preaching to the converted". It might be the textbook definition. Try to get a few feet outside of the Vatican next time. Also, embracing the Pope immediately afterward might not have been the best idea. If charges are brought that incident could make you an accessory to a crime.

Writer Matt Taibbi

The Catholic Church is a Criminal Enterprise.

This may be true but it is not helpful to the cause to point this out.

Vienna's Cardinal Christoph Schoenborn

Vienna's Cardinal Christoph Schoenborn, speaking of Benedict's long years as head of a Vatican office that investigates abuse, said the future pope "had a very clear line of not covering up but clearing up." ... "I admit that I often feel a sense of injustice these days. Why is the church being excoriated? Isn't there also abuse elsewhere?

Ahh, nicely done. When in doubt, state the exact opposite of everything that the media is revealing about Pope Benedict's actions while in charge of disciplining priests. Acknowledging someone else's reality is the first step towards losing an argument. Which is why I'm more disappointed in the second statement. Sure, the "everyone else is raping kids and covering it up, we aren't the only ones" defense looks sound on paper and is a real winner in terms of public support, but you acknowledging the media narrative and also tacitly admitting that priests rape kids and the church covers it up. Which is bad. The admitting it, I mean.

Cardinal William Levada, head of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith

"I am not proud of America's newspaper of record, The New York Times, as a paragon of fairness."

Yes! Question the source. Just how reliable is one of the world's most reliable papers anyway? Though in the Times defense they are just passing on the accusation of 200 deaf boys, not making the accusations themselves. So the question is: do you want to question the credibility of 200 deaf children and wage a PR battle against them? The answer might seem like an obvious yes, but keep in mind there is a lot of sympathy on their side. After all, they were raped over a series of decades and nothing was done about it.

Anthony Fisher, bishop of Parramatta

''Last century we tried godlessness on a grand scale and the effects were devastating,'' he said. ''Nazism, Stalinism, Pol-Pottery, mass murder and broken relationships: all promoted by state-imposed atheism or culture-insinuated secularism.''

Nicely pointed out. Where would we be without the Catholic Church? What if we were all atheists? What would we be getting up to if we rejected the teaching of the church? Probably something awful like raping kids and covering it up. I can't bear to think of that reality.

An unsigned editorial from the Vatican

[it accused] the NY Times of willfully ignoring the "truth" of Ratzinger/Benedict's record and of attempting "to instrumentalize, without any foundation in fact, horrible episodes and sorrowful events uncovered in some cases from decades ago." The media, it continued, showed a "despicable intent of attacking, at whatever cost, Benedict XVI and his closest collaborators."

That's right, not only is this really only an issue that the Times is dragging up, this all happened decades ago. Who can remember what happened last week, let alone decades ago? The past isn't important or legally actionable. Though again, try to refrain from alleging a conspiracy or using words like collaborators. It tends to make people think a group of people within the church, including the Pope, might have "collaborated" on trying to cover up abuse cases. Best not mention that kind of thing at all. Bonus points for not signing the editorial. That takes bravery.

New York Times Op-Ed Columnist, Ross Douthat

In reality, the scandal implicates left and right alike. The permissive sexual culture that prevailed everywhere, seminaries included, during the silly season of the ’70s deserves a share of the blame, as does that era’s overemphasis on therapy.

Yes, blame the left. It works well in American politics, why won't it help shield the church from rape allegations? I mean weren't these crimes the hallmark or leftist hippies and their 60's and 70's culture? What was it they said at Woodstock "Watch out for the brown acid and if you see a kid grab him and do whatever you want"? Wasn't Purple Haze about covering up abuse allegations? Still, while these are useful additions to the defense, they should not be made from the pages of the New York Times. Haven't you seen the attempts to demonize the Times and blame it for the scandal. Or should I say "scandal". If op-ed columns blaming hippies and saying the Pope shouldn't resign are coming from the Times then how is it an effective demonization tool? It isn't. Shape up.

So there, I hope that helped out with the Catholic Church's efforts to blame everyone else. I hope that these tips and messaging strategies will provide useful when attempting to pretend that credible stories, abuse allegations, evidence, and paper trails leading to the Pope don't mean anything. But I want you to remember the keys to this strategy: don't ever admit you did anything wrong (infallibility), don't ever apologize, don't ever attempt to punish or give a stern talking to any accused priests, don't ever appear to have a shred of human compassion, ethics, morality, or empathy, above all think of yourselves, and protect the Pope at all costs to your credibility and religion.

You stick to that plan and soon you'll have completely eradicated Christianity from the earth. That is your goal, right? If it isn't I'm going to have to change my advice.

A census taker once tried to test me...

If there is one thing to respect about the tea baggers -- and believe me, saying there's one thing to respect about them might be giving them way too much credit -- it's their steadfast commitment to staying crazy and abiding by their principles of not understanding anything in every field, not just the fields of taxes and health care.

As you may know, it's a census year. Which means the government takes up it's Constitutionally mandated duty to count the number of Americans for means of Congressional seats, electoral votes, and government funding. As with all things tea bagging, there is apparently also some sort of nefarious conspiracy also attached to the census. Michele Bachmann used to be at the forefront of raging against the census conspiracy, feeling that it was just a front for a future Japanese-style internment among other things, before it was explained to her that if Minnesota ended up losing a Congressional seat because of the census... it would be her seat. She seemed to see the error of her ways.

But she didn't seem to sway many of her fellow tea baggers in believing that the 2010 census isn't a conspiracy between Muslim Caliph Obama and the lizard people to punish and eat those who opposed health care. You thought that with all their whinging about health care and its unconstitutional nature, they would have read the part in the Constitution about the census. Nope. And that has many states worried.

Texas is counting on the 2010 Census to deliver four new congressional districts, four new Electoral College votes in presidential elections, and millions of dollars in additional federal aid. But, as some elected officials are starting to worry, Uncle Sam can't deliver anything to the rapidly growing Sun Belt state unless Texas residents deliver their forms back to the government.
...
Instead, a new and growing threat to an accurate national head count is coming from anti-government conservatives who may not fill out their forms to protest against “Big Brother” in Washington.
...
There is a reason for the enthusiasm gap on the census: A number of prominent conservative and libertarian Republicans have been blasting the census for months.
...
“We've got that hard-to-count element, along with these fringe (anti-government) groups that are advocating resistance,” she said. “They think they are hurting the government. They are really hurting themselves and their communities.

It's funny because it's happening to Texas. Aside from the electoral vote and Congressional representation issues, it is estimated that every uncounted American means a loss of about $12,000 in funding for their state over the next decade. But then again, you do get to take a massive sense of unjustified pride knowing hat you really stuck one to the man and that when the black helicopters come for the people that buy Sean Hannity's books, your ingenious move to not fill out the census will have save you a lifetime of toil in comrade Obama's work camps.

For those of us who don't see a conspiracy around every corner and actually take the time to fill out all 10 ultra-complex questions, it'll just mean our state gets more and Texas will have 1-4 less idiots like Louis Gohmert screaming about God knows what on the TV. It's a good thing.

For a less dumb, but still dumb, form of protest, Facebook has offered up the group For Race, Write Human, where you are supposed to write "Human" in the race sot instead of ticking the box marked American Indian, Negro (seriously), Caucasian, or Asian. I tried, but I accidentally ended up writing "WHITE!!!!!!" with six exclamation points.

O'Cheap Blogging Crutch 03.17

Catholic Sisters Support Passage of Healthcare Bill
The nuns have weighed in on the health care bill and they find it acceptable. Not only that but they, as is their way, take to scolding those who make "false claims to the contrary" about the abortion provisions of the bill. Who are those who make "false claims to the contrary"? The Catholic Bishops. Don't fuck with the nuns, boys, you'll get a goddamn ruler across the knuckles.

Social Immobility: Climbing The Economic Ladder Is Harder In The U.S. Than In Most European Countries
Dan Froomkin brings to light a study from the Organization for Economic Co-Operation and Development that show s that the capitalist hating, socialist, weak kneed, health care havers in Europe actually foster a society that is more open to generational movement along socioeconomic ladders than the United States of Freedom, despite our full of shit, blowhard claims to the contrary. If you're born poor and want a good shot to make it out of poverty and into the penthouse? Move to Scandinavia. If you're born poor and want to stay poor? Stay here, as a bonus you'll get to hear a lot of hot air about how you can become anything you want while the system conspires against you and tells you you must be lazy or deficient for not beating a rigged game.

Kucinich To Vote Yes On Health Care Reform--Here's Why
Ahh, pity the man with a conscience. Sure Kucinich isn't a fan of the bill and would prefer, ad has worked for, a better health care plan for the people of this country. But unfortunately principled objection puts you on the side of the people screaming about liquefying grandma and doesn't actually improve people's health care. It's a shame he's just not a political nihilist who doesn't care what happens to Americans and is willing to destroy the whole thing in a petty temper tantrum. Then he probably could have gotten what he wanted. You know, like Stupak, Nelson, and Lieberman did. Damn his sense of shame. At the very least he has a very, very hot wife who will console him.

C-Span Puts Full Archives on the Web
Are you like me? A ruggedly handsome, semi-inebriated blogger who sometimes just looks into the sky and scream "Why God? Why can't I find anywhere that has video of a 1990 House Amending Motion to name a Post Office after Audie Murphy?" Well we're in luck, because finally C-SPAN is putting every single shred of video they have online. Get a IV drip and hold open you eyes Clockwork Orange style, because I think we both just found out what we're going to be watching for the next couple of months.

Hawaii Birthers Bill: State May Start Ignoring Requests For Obama Citizenship
How annoying are the Obama birthers who, despite the appearance of Obama's birth certificate and assurances from several Hawaiian officials that the man is a US citizen, still believe he's a sleep agent Muslim from Kenya? Well they driven the Hawaiian legislature to consider a law ignoring all Obama birth certificate requests in the name of saving time, money, and sanity of the people who actually have to respond to these kooks. I think you can see where this is going: the Obama birthers view this move as part of the greater Obama birth conspiracy and redouble their efforts, causing Hawaii more pain. You can't win with these people, Hawaii, you can't win.

Get a job: destroying the country edition

Sure, no one has a job and the Senate's decision to push off health care to put a laser like focus on jobs hasn't resulted in jobs, jobs bills passing, or, at the very least, a cool laser display possibly set to Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon. But thankfully the census is upon us.

I know what you're saying: "Isn't the census a tool to increase slavery, just like Glenn Beck claims or just a pretext to internment and re-education camps like Michelle Bachmann says?" Yes, yes it is. Especially the slavery thing. But it is also a roaring jobs creator that will mask the ongoing economic horrors for a little while.

The U.S. Census Bureau expects to add up to 750,000 workers to its payroll by May, a hiring binge that could knock the unemployment rate down by as much as a half-point.

The once-a-decade census is coming at the best possible time for President Barack Obama and congressional Democrats, who have taken political lumps for more than a year over a jobless rate that stands at 9.7 percent.
...
“This is the best-timed census you could ever dream of,” said Heidi Shierholz, who tracks the labor market at the left-leaning Economic Policy Institute. She believes the March unemployment report will show the economy added jobs instead of subtracting them.

Whoo-hoo! A once a decade temporary jobs to mask our anemic job creation! Temporary jobs for everyone! Everything is fixed. Cancel those jobs bills, they weren't going to pass anyway.

Now of course you're all worried about the slavery thing and the re-education camp thing, not to mention the whole "ACORN" angle, how it's all a front to steal your property, indoctrinate your children, prep for a UN invasion, target undesirables for predator drone attacks, a White House power grab, and an illegal immigrant takeover. But to this I say: wouldn't you rather be on the inside, perpetrating these simultaneous coups, attacks, and invasions from disparate groups, then be subject to them? I know I would.

So if you need a job and perhaps want to facilitate Ban Ki-Moon's takeover of the contiguous United States, then may I suggest taking a job with the US Census. It's really the only job that's going to be created in the next year. Happy interring and predator drone bombing!