Explaining our stupid elections

In recent months we've seen the debut of new election campaign strategies. Nevada Republican Senate candidate Sharron Angle is taking a page out of Sarah Palin's book by not appearing on any network or allowing any media access to a journalist that will ask a hard question or not allow her to nakedly fund-raise on air. Ran Paul learned the lesson of allowing media access when the discovered that when he stated his positions near any type of recording device, they tended to make people angry. He has since remedied that situation with a media blackout.

Soon our elections will be conducted with voters only allowed to know the name and party of a candidate, with only a headshot providing the remaining information we're allowed to know. We'll make our decision on whether or not the name is cool and whether we think the person is properly dressed and has a good enough haircut in the photo. Like the founding fathers intended.

Much in this same line is Rep. Peter King (R-NY), who yesterday took to the airwaves and responding forcefully to the suggestion that Republicans should be forced to articulate some actual policy ideas instead of "Democrats want it? No."

KING: So, It’s a combination of being against what Obama is for, and also giving certain specifics of what we are for. Having said that, I don’t think we have to lay out a complete agenda, from top to bottom, because then we would have the national mainstream media jumping on every point trying to make that a campaign issue.

That's right, the GOP can't release a policy platform or series of proposals for what they'd do if they win the upcoming election, otherwise the jerkoff media might go and make the proposed governing of this country a campaign issue. You know instead of what the GOP thinks an election is supposed to be about: bland statements about how things are going to be different, hoping no one remembers the fact that their policies, governing, and obstruction put the country in the deep hole that we're struggling to get out of now, finding an ethnic, socio-economic, or political group and blaming them for all the ills of the world, REPEAL EVERYTHING~!, and never articulating a thought that could be criticized once people understood what it would do to the country.

Great. Ah well, it's not like the coverage of those imaginary issues was going to be intelligent or enlightening anyway. Onward to voting on names, looks, and party affiliation. Whoo! America!

Stay classy, Stevesy

Glenn Beck's 9/12 Project hasn't gone away. You know, that thing where we're all supposed to return to the mindset we had the day after 9/11: panicked, fearful, and willing to sacrifice virgins into volcanoes and gut our Constitution in order to feel a tiny bit safer. But apparently they've moved on from being a vague movement about feelings to teaming up with tea partiers to show their support for Arizona's "Walknig while Latino" law.

People inspired by the words of Glenn Beck and tea baggers joining forces to bag of Mexicans? I wonder who they would get to speak at that event? Turns out the answer is terminally retarded blowhard Rep Steve King (R-IA). What did he have to say? First he made the Jong-il like boast that he alone possessed fence technology to stop Santa Anna's new invasion.

King told the gathering of over 100 people that he could build a border wall that would ensure “not [even] a cockroach” could get across.

I think we know what "cockroaches" he's talkin' about. La cucarachas! HAW HAW HAW!

Any other bright ideas?

King said that under only one circumstance does he support amnesty for illegal immigrants: “Every time we give amnesty for an illegal alien, we deport a liberal.”

HAW HAW HAW! Then them liberals can go to their beloved Mexico which they love so much they are letting it assault our freedoms and pick the blossoming fruit of liberty for sub-minimum wages.

Of course after dropping those two Oscar Wilde-esque bon mots from in front of a Truck Nuts billboard, it was of course time for questions from the audience. Which means he was asked about some conspiracy theory. I wonder how he handled this?

QUESTION: I keep reading that Obama keeps bringing small quantities of Muslims into this country. Why can’t Congress stop that?

KING: You know, I don’t know what the basis is of that. I wouldn’t be surprised that that is the real factual basis. ... I appreciate you making the point. I will try to watch it.

Yup, President Hussein Obama X, the Last Imam hisself, is personally smuggling Muslims into this country. Probably on Air Force One, Sea Force One, or Hot Air Balloon Force One. Small quantities.. cells if you will... setting them up across the country... preparing them for the day after the UN black helicopters steal everyone's guns... then: The United Islamic Caliphate of America. OH I KNEW IT WAS COMING!

Most people would respond to an accusation that the PResident was smuggling Muslims into the country with a nicely placed "Shut the fuck up you crazy and don't get your deluded insanity secretions on me... I hear that's how you spread it" before casually flipping off the audience. Not Steve "Iowa's Pride" King. No, he does his best to confirm that's what he's heard as well and then thanks the person for bringing it to his attention and assures them he'll keep an eye on it. That's how turn crazy into votes.... a probably some future Ruby Ridge style FBI standoff.

Way to keep it classy, Steve. I eagerly await your House Special Committee on The President Who Done What Smuggled All Them Moozlams Into Our Fine Country.

Stay classy, Arizona immigration law supporters

If the Arizona immigration law that makes you a suspicious person if you're caught breathing while Latino, has been good for one thing: the comedy resulting from those who support the law. Not so much "funny ha-ha" comedy, but more of a "oh sweet merciful Christ, these are elected representatives... in America... in 2010" kind of funny.

Even worse on the unconformable comedy of awkward discomfort scale are the people who have viewed this law as a gaslight for them to rush out and espouse their brilliant ideas about ways in which this country can go further down into a racist hole with immigration laws. Take Iowa Republican (shocking) congressional candidate Pat Bertroche

“I think we should catch ’em, we should document ’em, make sure we know where they are and where they are going,” said Pat Bertroche, an Urbandale physician. “I actually support micro-chipping them. I can micro-chip my dog so I can find it. Why can’t I micro-chip an illegal?

“That’s not a popular thing to say, but it’s a lot cheaper than building a fence they can tunnel under,” Bertroche said.

Micro-chipping every illegal immigrant? You know, maybe Georgia was on to something with their crazy "no robit hunks in mah body" law. That being said, if we could catch every single illegal immigrant to the point where we could perform invasive microchipping surgery on them... wouldn't we just cart them over the border? I mean we go to all the trouble of catching them to scientifically experiment on them and we just release them back into the wild even though they're illegal? Methinks someone needs to mull over his "Mexicans are exactly like dogs" immigration plan.

But then there's Republican (shocking~!) Rep. Duncan Hunter the Younger of California, who isn't merely content to treat immigrants like stray dogs. No, he's got a better plan.

QUESTION: Would you support deportation of natural-born American citizens that are the children of illegal aliens?

HUNTER: I would have to, yes. [...] We simply cannot afford what we’re doing right now. California is going under. How much in debt are we? Twenty billion dollars? [...] And we’re not being mean, we’re just saying it takes more than just walking across the border to become an American citizen. It’s what’s in our souls.

Yeah, fuck them. Who ever said that being born here means you're a citizen? The 14th Amendment? Balderdash! Let's repeal it and start chucking American citizens who aren't sufficiently white over the border. Their souls aren't American.

But if advanced GPS tracking, a catch and release Latino program, or grossly violating the Constitution in the name of racial paranoia aren't your thing, have you thought of just claiming all your Latin opponents of wanting to cede American soil to Santa Anna and his Mexican hordes? Then get on board with Republican (shocker) Rep. Steve King (shocker) from Iowa (shocker).

I’m wondering if we look at the map of Congressman Grijalva’s congressional district if we haven’t already ceded that component of Arizona to Mexico judging by the voice that comes out of him, he’s advocating for Mexico rather than the United States and against the rule of law, which is one of the central pillars of American exceptionalism.

He is of course talking about Rep. Raul Grijalva, a Latino himself and Arizona representative, who decried the law and advocated that people boycott Arizona in response. Of course that means he doesn't sufficiently love America, is probably a Latin sleeper agent, hates the law, freedom, and baby eagles, and is probably the point man for the Mexican Reconquista movement. Aztlan!

So stay classy everyone. I know we all though that a re-fried bean swastika was about as low as the debate could sink. But we didn't count on the prides of Iowa and a second generation half-witted reactionary race-baiter deciding that this was the perfect opportunity to offer up their brilliant ideas on better ways to dehumanize entire swaths of the US population. Wonderful. It wells me up with so much pride for the country.

Angering God

Health reform is seemingly on it's way to passing. Nancy Pelosi has begun her brutal campaign of kidnapping on the fence Democrat's children, has begun breaking arms, has collected a gruesome menagerie of nude photos of our elected betters, and has singled out several pictures where Representatives kind look like they have boners while children sit on their laps. She's playing for keeps and wants this vote done by Sunday.

And in the last gasp of whining before they have to face the fact that Americans might be getting better health care, right wing commentators have moved off the "granny kill squad", "reconciliation and deem & pass are demonic tolls of the devil that have never been used before", and other such memes to latch onto one last pathetic criticism of Barack Obama's attempt to move US health care into the low thirties on WHO rankings: it'll make the baby Jesus sad. Of course Glenn Beck and Rep Steve "Revolution" King of Iowa were involved.

KING: They intend to vote on the Sabbath, during Lent, to take away the liberty that we have right from God. [...]

BECK: You couldn’t have said it better. Here is a group of people that have so perverted our faith and our hope and our charity, that is a — this is an affront to God. ... But I think it’s absolutely appropriate that these people are trying to put the nail in the coffin on our country on a Sunday — something our founders would have never, ever, ever done. Out of respect for God.

The triple threat. The health care bill will not only put the final nail in the coffin of America, but it is both an affront to God and a violation of the principles of the founding father. A Trinity of America hatred.

And you know how pissed God gets about these things. "My children, I know you were attempt to better the health and well being of My other children, but for the love of Me why did you do it on a Sunday? Unconscionable. It's right in the Ten Commandments! You're all being banished to hell and I'm using My veto power, as enumerated to me in the US Constitution, to strike this bill from all creation."

So take note, we've officially reached the "It'll make the baby Jesus cry" stage of health care opposition. It's the last sad stage before what I'm assuming are mass suicides scheduled for a few minutes after Democrats vote to destroy the country, Barry high fives everyone, they eat an ice cream cake shaped like Karl Marx, and Genn Beck immolates himself on the Capitol steps. Rest easy, this whole horrid shitshow is almost over. Except for the filing lawsuits part. By which I mean to say this will never end.

Revolution!

Out of all the elected Tea Party cranks, one of my favorites has to be Iowa's Steve King. He hasn't met a Democratic idea he can't shriek about hysterically and in his spare time he talks extensively about how he sympathizes with terrorists who commit terrorist acts on American soil. Good man, lofty man.

Events like yesterday's final Tea Party rally against the socialist health care bill is an event tailor made for a man like King. Dozens of people waving signs about communism and socialism without understanding what either is can have their fears stoked by a man who doesn't understand the terms either, and as a bonus doesn't understand recent world history and trivializes rule under fascist regimes. It's a fetid petri dish of blinkered stupidity. Which is of course why King used the platform to argue for a new American Revolution.

Speaking to the Huffington Post shortly after his speech, King declared that a peaceful uprising, a la the successful overthrowing of the Communist Party of Czechoslovakia on the streets of Prague in 1989 "would be fine with me."

"Fill this city up, fill this city, jam this place full so that they can't get in, they can't get out and they will have to capitulate to the will of the American people," he said.

"So this is just like Prague under communist rule?" the Huffington Post asked.

"Oh yeah, it is very, very close," King replied. "It is the nationalization of our liberty and the federal government taking our liberty over. So there are a lot of similarities there."

Yeah, the federal government is taking our liberty over.

So if we have any Czech readers, first I'd like to say thanks for Jaromir Jagr, we appreciated him. Secondly, yes he is trying to compare the passage of a health reform bill that would give us health care coverage that isn't as good as theirs or their neighbors to a 1968 Soviet invasion, "Normalization" policies, the arrests of hundreds of thousands of dissidents over the years, the forced emigration of nearly half a million people out of the country, and living under decades of Communist rule. If your country ever deigned to find out who a low level idiot like Steve King was, I'm sure your papers today would feature headlines like "American half-wit trivializes our entire history".

But yes the time for revolution is at hand. No longer must the people suffer the indignities on having the government try to make health care better, more accessable, and more affordable for them. No longer will the people have to stand for our elected leaders trying to make it so that insurance comapnies can't fuck them over as hard as they used to. No longer will the jackbooted armies of communism march through our streets chanting "Would you like marginally better health care?" No longer will our people have to suffer under an attempt to pass legislation that is morally, ethically, spiritually, factually, and historically indistinguishable from post-WWII Soviet communist rule in Eastern Europe. Overthrow the government! Steve King is the new Vaclav Havel.

I'll see you in the streets.

Stay classy, Stevesy

Steve King (R-IA), sometimes know as the House GOP's other crazy congressman named King, hates his ass some IRS. And who could disagree with him. I mean they just take our money and give it to the government to spend on things like roads, defense, and other such things a government does. Who came up with this idea? The IRS sucks! Also the DMV is slow and why can't the airlines give us a bigger bag of peanuts, amirite?

But considering that whole thing where a fringe lunatic rammed his airplane into an IRS building in a bloody, fiery explosion of short-sighted, petty, and murderous spite, you'd think that maybe a certain IRS hating congressman would want to tone down his rhetoric just a tad. Well, that's why you don't have the smarts to get elected in Iowa's 5th District.

KING: I think if we’d abolished the IRS back when I first advocated it, he wouldn’t have a target for his airplane. ... It’s sad the incident in Texas happened, but by the same token, it’s an agency that is unnecessary and when the day comes when that is over and we abolish the IRS, it’s going to be a happy day for America.

TP: So some of his grievances were legitimate?

KING: I don’t know if his grievances were legitimate, I’ve read part of the material. I can tell you I’ve been audited by the IRS and I’ve had the sense of ‘why is the IRS in my kitchen.’ Why do they have their thumb in the middle of my back.

It's sad and all, but he sympathizes with a terrorist. The IRS, who do they think they are investigating discrepancies in tax filings?

But while someone might think that saying something like that while bodies and a building are still smoldering is a touch indelicate, isn't smart, and that staffers somewhere would be imminently yelling at their boss to just shut the fuck up already, well, again, that's why he's in the House and you're sitting there in your house.

During his closing remarks [at CPAC], King veered into a complaint about high taxes, and said he could "empathize" with the man who flew a plane into an IRS building last week.

During the question and answer session, the Media Matters staffer asked King to clarify his comment, reminding him of his sworn duty to protect the American people from all sworn enemies, foreign and domestic. In response, said the staffer, King gave a long and convoluted answer about having been personally audited by the IRS, and ended by saying he intended to hold a fundraiser to help people "implode" their local IRS office.

Don't you understand that this man was audited! Audited! A US Congressman, one of the most honest subset of people of earth. On earth! That's why we need to implode the IRS. Implode, which I'll note is a totally classy suggestion and not at all as offensive as using the word explode.

So congrats to Iowa's Steve King. You took a right wing terrorist attack against the government that resulted in dead Americans and tried to spin it into right wing street cred by repeatedly announcing your empathy for a terrorist, announcing how you sympathized with his motives (I still can't get over the fucking gall of that audit), and noting how you wanted to organize citizens to take further action against the IRS, though probably not with airplane attacks. How nicely offensive of you. The IRS sucks, don't let any terrorist attack, basic human decency, tact, or common sense momentarily sway you from that crusade. Stay classy.

We are ruled by adults

There are people who actually can't conceive of the health care debate sinking lower than it already has. Really? I mean John Shadegg was waving around a baby that wasn't even his. You think they can't think of new ways to take a debate that should have been about the best ways to improve a system that fails tens of millions of Americans and make it about tedious minutiae, cheap stunts, and lies? Just look at Rep. Steve King (R-Iowa) & Rep. Pete Hoekstra (R-Mich.). Apparently they're 13 year old boys who somehow got elected to the House and to show how radical they are they're going to TP old lady Pelosi's House to show her that it's a bad idea to pass health care reform and that she stop handing out apples on Halloween.

Early Friday afternoon, Rep. Steve King (R-Iowa) announced his intentions to wrap the Capitol building in a massive copy of the 1,900-page health bill. "Let's do it," he proclaimed. "Let's wrap the building."

A security guard urged them not to try ("You can't do that sir, you can't do that.") but King was determined. King and his partner Rep. Pete Hoekstra (R-Mich.) don't appear to have made it all the way around the Capitol, but they did climb the steps and create a giant mess of paper.

My my my, if that isn't an apt metaphor for Congress I don't know what is. Legislators attempt to do something to address a problem they see, are told it's too hard and complicated, then give up, leaving a giant mess behind that someone else has to clean up.

But I guess the point they were trying to make was....what? That the health care bill is really long? So they think that a bills that covers giant chunks of this economy, deals with several different business fields, that impacts the lives of every American in an attempt to overhaul thousands of laws, create a new regulatory and oversight structure, and reform the way health care is done in this country....should be 2-3 pages tops? And these are the people that are allowed to make and vote legislation? *shudders*