Your daily update of what constitutes education in Texas

Well the madness is over and Texas has finally passed the last of their historical "adjustments" to make sure the children of Texas are readily aware that history has a nefarious liberal secular bias. They didn't get to add in all the parts about Indians turning into Mexicans and copious Dracula references that they wanted, but they have enough for now.

Of interest, one of the women on the Texas Board of Education came out and said that public education was a "tool of perversion" and another man referred to any opposition as coming from "the pagan left". So it's nice that the sane people are exercising control over this process.

So what were they able to sneak in at the last moment?

Elevating Confederate Leader Jefferson Davis To The Level Of Abraham Lincoln.

Requiring That Historical Figures — Except Conservative Ones — Must Be Dead For Students To Study Them.

That's right. As the argument went, keeping Davis out was "an attempt to “whitewash” history." Which, given the board's attempts to remove blacks and Latinos from their history books, even rechristen the Atlantic Slave Trade as the Atlantic Triangular Trade, is something the board would know a great deal about. So Davis' speeches are kept in to contrast with Lincoln's speeches. One notable thing about Davis' speeches? They're ones that don't talk about slavery being one of the main reason for secession and the Civil War.

As for the second, yeah, if you're a minority or viewed as a dirty liberal, you can't get into the history books unless you're dead. Even if you're dead, you might not make it in if you've offended these people's imaginary conception of Jesus. Just ask Thomas Jefferson. But if you're white and really conservative? Please, come right into the textbook, if you're having trouble finding room just elbow a founding father or a civil rights pioneer out of the way and have a seat.

But surely not every crackpot idea these goons have gets into these textbooks, right? Shockingly, that's true. Referring to President Barry as Barack Hussein Obama, probably with a couple of Islamic crescents and a black power fist encircling it, was apparently too nakedly political and openly race bait-y for the board. Instead, he's referred to as Barack H. Obama, or, alternately, "The black one that done usurped the White House" and is listed again in the section "12 signs that the rapture is imminent" under the header "Blacks in places blacks shouldn't be."

It's a shame this is over for now. I would have liked to have heard the board opine on European history as well as English Lit requirements. Sadly God doesn't love me enough to have these people take a whack at science requirements. Maybe they did and Bibles have replaced Biology 1010 textbooks. I guess we'll find out. Godspeed, Texas schoolchildren. Just remember, when it comes times to take your SAT's, remember to fill in the bubble for what seems to be the exact opposite of the things you just spent 12 years learning.

Your daily update of what constitutes education in Texas

You have to admire the education board goon in Texas. They've become national pariahs and jokes, they've become a symbol for all that's wrong in our educational system and prioritizing politicization and ideologies over facts, and they've even engendered the beginning of a backlash in their state. Yet still they go on, rewriting history so that maybe, just maybe, kids will have a more positive view of the Republican Party and definitely, definitely have to retake a bunch of basic, high school level history courses if they want to meet the minimum requirements to graduate from college.

So what constitutes history today? What race has been getting it too good in our history books? What awful historical event needs whitewashed? What relatively unimportant event within the conservative movement needs to replace a bit of actual history? Let us find out.

Several changes include... introducing a new focus on the "significant contributions" of pro-slavery Confederate leaders during the civil war.

The new curriculum asserts that "the right to keep and bear arms" is an important element of a democratic society. Study of Sir Isaac Newton is dropped in favour of examining scientific advances through military technology.
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The education board has dropped references to the slave trade in favour of calling it the more innocuous "Atlantic triangular trade", and recasts the Israeli-Palestinian conflict as driven by Islamic fundamentalism.
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Dunbar backed amendments to the curriculum that portray the free enterprise system (there is no mention of capitalism, deemed to be a tainted word) as a cornerstone of liberty and argue that the government should have a minimal role in the economy.

One amendment requires that students be taught that economic prosperity requires "minimal government intrusion and taxation".
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On the education board, Dunbar backed changes that include teaching the role the "Jewish Ten Commandments" played in "political and legal ideas", and the study of the influence of Moses on the US constitution. Dunbar says these are important steps to overturning what she believes is the myth of a separation between church and state in the US.

Ahh Newton you hack, go sit with Jefferson on the swings, we need to learn how George Wallace is the exact same kind of fighter for racial rights as MLK (true, according to Texas curriculum). And thank God the softened the language on the slave trade. Otherwise kids might get an idea that slaves were the only thing being traded. I think some tools and a couple barrels of molasses were involved.

Finally someone is willing to stand up and say that the separation of church and state is a myth. Sure, some wags might point out that it's in the 1st Amendment or that Thomas Jefferson talked about how the combined effects of the Establishment Clause and the Free Exercise Clause in the 1st formed a separation of church and state. But if Jefferson was so important, wouldn't he be part of Texas educational guidelines?

Go read the article and get a little insight into the mind of the Texas school board. The phrase "paranoid persecution fantasies" and "rampant flag eating bullshit" don't even begin to explain their mindset. They believe that God has called them to indoctrinate kids with conservative dogma. Kind of frightening to think about what they'd try to pull if they thought no one was paying attention and they weren't being made national lightening rods. Then again, maybe schoolchildren haven't learned enough about President Jesus H. Christ and His victorious fight against the Kaiser.

Messing with Texas

One must appreciate the fervency with which the Texas right wing has attempted to dumb down kids and fill textbooks with conservative fantasies and nonsense. It takes some stones to de-emphasize Thomas Jefferson so you can get in some claptrap about Phyllis Schlafly and the Moral Majority, pretend Latinos all just jumped the border and started contributing to America about six months ago, go on about how Japanese internment was just peachy, and make sure you've sufficiently provided enough information to the kids about how violent the philosophies of the Black Panthers were in case they got too nice of an idea about black people from MLK.

But, to the credit of Texas, they did finally get rid of Don McElroy, the man spearheading the changes.... except he still has time left on his term to do damage. And he is using every second of that time to its full stupid effect. What more can he have on tap for the Texas textbook standards that will likely affect dozens of additional states? Is another one of the founding fathers going to have to take a back seat so kids can understand how important Rush Limbaugh was to the rise of conservative talk radio? Do we have too favorable an opinion of Frederick Douglass? Are there still no Latinos of any historical note? Let's find out.

The new amendment (.pdf), which is expected to get a vote on Thursday, would require high school history students to "discuss alternatives regarding long term entitlements such as Social Security and Medicare, given the decreasing worker to retiree ratio" and also "evaluate efforts by global organizations to undermine U. S. sovereignty."
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As justification for that second item, McLeroy writes: "Threats of global government to individual freedom and liberty include the votes of the U. N. General Assembly, the International Criminal Court, the U. N. Gun Ban proposal, forced redistribution of American wealth to third world countries, and global environmental initiatives."

Oh Jesus, not only do kids have to learn about the evils of socialism and entitlements, they apparently need to bone up on their UN conspiracy theories. And who can disagree? I mean it is important to learn that the UN is secretly marshaling armies to come and steal everyone's guns as a precursor to robbing us and giving all our money to Africa. Plus they want governments to deal with the environment. *shudders* The horror....

One wonders if staging a junior high Model UN gets you imprisoned now or shot outright. After all, Texas must protect itself from the black helicopters, both real and those ordered by a security council of 14 year-olds in Mr. Carruthers 3rd period Social Studies class. And what of proposals for science classes to analyze the use of tinfoil headgear to block the UN's mind reading satellites? That vote is scheduled for next week.

So congratulations to Texas. Just when I thought your textbook rewriting attempts couldn't get any more weird you fire back with some things that would raise an eyebrow or two at a Teabagger vs. Ron Paul-ite competitive bake-off. Good luck with that. The first sign of a vibrant ideology is ramming through low-rent textbook changes in an attempt to indoctrinate kids. My only consolation is that when I have children they won't have to learn any of this nonsense... they'll have to learn how to dismantle the neural net of a robot before it can get its grabber claw on you and drag you back to the hive mind for "purification of the flesh".

Broken in Brief: Enraged Thomas Jefferson Curses Texas from Afterlife

THE HEREAFTER—A torrent of curses and abuse directed towards the American state of Texas emanated from Heaven today as Founding Father Thomas Jefferson was informed that he had been removed from mandatory history teaching requirements for the Lone Star State. Given that Texas' textbook selection traditionally influences which books publishers will purchase, and therefore what curriculum will be adopted in other states, Jefferson is on the verge of vanishing from American history altogether.

“Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck me! What’s a guy gotta do to get into a US history book?” the 3rd President and principal author of the Declaration on Independence yelled while stomping on cherub angels.

“Shit, I was only one of the most influential founders. Don’t believe me? Look at a fucking nickel! Or the two dollar bill! Wait, do they even use those anymore? Another indignity! I regret ever spawning this country!”

Sources close to Jefferson say he always knew not to trust Texas and was worried that they’d be the ones to make a move against him and strike him from a list of figures of historical importance.

“Even though he died ten years before they became the Republic of Texas and twenty years before they became a state, he knew not to trust that general geographic landmass,” a close confidant revealed.

“How soon they forget the Declaration, the Louisiana Purchase, the Lewis and Clark expedition, and setting the groundwork for a second war with Britain,” the leading Enlightenment thinker raged in his heavenly study. “Monticello, hello? That building rocked people's shit. This is about the separation of church and state thing, right? I always knew those religious freaks would be my undoing. I told Franklin that we needed to ban that shit, but he was too busy fucking French women and fiddling with that goddamn printing press. Un-fucking-believable...”

Sources close to Jefferson say he is so enraged that he’d likely slap his black mistress were his spirit not residing in its own version of heaven where blacks were kept separate from him. They expect Jefferson will enlist Thomas Paine to help write a treatise imploring God to smash Texas into nothing with flaming rocks.

Eat it, Jefferson. Eat it hard.

Last week we congratulated Texas for sending Don McElroy, the man who was spearheading Texas' efforts to use school textbooks as a means to rewrite history with a right wing christian conservative bent, packing in a primary contest. But we added in the caveat that the man still had several months left on his term and the board still had a christian conservative bent, so there was still time for them to do some damage. And boy did they ever decide to use the time they had left.

Among the changes made include:

removing a reference to “sex and gender as social constructs” in order to avoid exposing students to “transvestites, transsexuals and who knows what else”, refused to require that students learn the Constitution prevents the U.S. government from promoting one religion over all others, added references to "laws of nature and nature's God" in sections about major political ideas, made the second amendment the only relevant idea in the Bill of Rights, considered it important to learn about "the conservative resurgence of the 1980s and 1990s, including Phyllis Schlafly, the Contract With America, the Heritage Foundation, the Moral Majority and the National Rifle Association", students now learn about the "violent philosophy of the Black Panthers" to counterbalance the nonviolence platform of MLK, tries to excuse the inherent racism of Japanese internment, added apologetics for McCarthyism and the McCarthy hearings because I guess that whole period wasn't all bad, made it so that Hispanics don't exist inside of US history, added ominous references to the "unintended consequences" of of the Great Society legislation, affirmative action and Title IX, removed the word "capitalism" because it has a "negative connotation", and knocked Thomas Jefferson out of the required curriculum and the Enlightenment... mostly because he coined the phrase “separation between church and state”. It also didn't help that he was a paleontologist.

So America is a Christian nation whose founders gave no thought to anything other than Biblical law ruling the land, whites did everything, McCarthyism and internment weren't so bad, and Thomas Jefferson isn't important to US history but Phyllis Schlafly is. Let's let Donny boy explain himself.

“We are adding balance,” said Dr. Don McLeroy, the leader of the conservative faction on the board, after the vote. “History has already been skewed. Academia is skewed too far to the left.”

Yes, reality does have a well known liberal bias. What's one of the non-crazy board members think?

Mary Helen Berlanga, [stormed] out of a meeting late Thursday night, saying, “They can just pretend this is a white America and Hispanics don’t exist.”

Yes they can.

“They are going overboard, they are not experts, they are not historians,” she said. “They are rewriting history, not only of Texas but of the United States and the world.”

Yeah, but if you rewrite history, then it becomes history! See how it works? Ah well, who needed to learn about Thomas Jefferson anyway? If he was important he would have had a bigger role in HBO's John Adams mini-series.

A round of applause for Texas' contributions to education, culture, and knowledge. It's not enough that our culture, media, entertainment, government, politicians, and news work to dumb this country down, now we have to go into books in an attempt to more proactively dumb our kids down. I'm sure it's all for the best, who learns anything from history anyway?

Things you should read

I have some demands. Why? Because I like the mental fiction of having a supposed willing audience with which I can makes orders and demands that are carried out with brutal efficiency. What are these commands? Well, I was going to ask that someone fly a plane into an IRS building, but since someone already did that, it's just going to be reading related.

Content and demands, on a Sunday. I'm too good to you. How is this different from the Cheap Blogging Crutch? Well, it's on a weekend and this comprises articles I couldn't find a way to tack cheap dick jokes onto. More serious stuff, I guess. Onward.

For Scots, a Scourge Unleashed by a Bottle
A story of Scotland, “Wreck the Hoose Juice”, and a nation trying to come to grips with entrenched alcoholism and the specific beverage that they seem to want to blame for it: Buckfast. It may not have made me feel sympathy for Scotland, but I do want to buy a case of Buckfast.

The Substitute
Brad Plumer looks at the fading possibilities for climate change reform and how successful the EPA can be trying to regulate pollution and emissions now that it is likely to be the only entity capable of doing so, what with the Senate deciding to become irrelevant. Now you know what those lawsuits from Texas and Virginia are meant to do: pretty much make sure we don't do anything to avoid catching our death of heat and flooding.

Sticker Shock
John Cohn looks at the methods and madness of health insurance companies and why they jack rates. In addition he lays out why this means reform needs to be passed (as if you already didn't understand that) and further explains why piecemeal legislation will not work to reform the problem and stop the rate jacking.

After Summer Olympics, Empty Shells in Beijing
The New York Times looks at Beijing and the massive Olympic structures they built for the 2008 games. The verdict? They pretty much got used that week and haven't been touched since. Most striking is the status of the Bird's Nest stadium. It has no tenant, no real future events scheduled, and is right now a de facto gift shop and is packed with snow so children can sled down the aisles. The 2004 Athens games probably bankrupted Greece. I'm sure that bodes well for Vancouver, London, Sochi, and Rio.

How Christian Were the Founders?
The New York Times explores the radical, purely politically motivated attempts that the Texas education board is taking up in an attempt to rewrite textbooks to push Christianity and conservatism at the expense of science, known verifiable history, and common sense, and how they're decisions will likely affect the textbooks of around 40+ states. I bet you didn't know that Phyllis Schlafly, the Moral Majority, and the Contract With America were some of the most integral events in American history. Well now they are. Just one of the great ways in which this country is being destroyed from the inside in the name of cheap politics.

Roger Ebert: The Essential Man
Esquire magazine's story about the life of film critic Roger Ebert now that he has lost most of his jaw, the ability to eat, the ability to speak thanks to cancer, and how his outlook and life have changed since. One of the best profile pieces you're likely to read this year.

Roger Ebert's Last Words, con't.
Roger Ebert responds to the article on his own blog, musing on the tone, the shock of seeing the photo they used, how he doesn't want people to get the idea that he's dying, and what he wants people to take away from the article.

McDonald's Has a Chef?
TIME follows around McDonald's head chef, Daniel Coudreaut, and looks at just what exactly it is he does in a job that most people expect is an attempt at irony. It's an interesting portrait at just what a man who graduated from the Culinary Institute of America and ran the kitchen at the Four Seasons does at McDonald's and the arduous, creatively crushing nature, and logistical nightmare coming up with food ideas for Mickey D's is when the sheer size and food production timetables, schedules, and production lines of an organization with as many restaurants as McDonald's has have to be taken into account.

Wall Street's Bailout Hustle
Matt Taibbi comes back for one more shot at Wall Street and the financial wizards who destroyed the economy. This time he focuses on all the various cons, grifts, scams, and outright thefts the financial and banking sector has engaged in since the global meltdown and how they haven't really learned anything.

Messing with Texas

One must marvel at the gusto with which Texas Governor Rick Perry attempts to pander to the fringe tea party activists he evidently think pack his state. From secessions threats, to his criminal negligence and collusion in covering up death penalty and legal issues, and his complete rejection and denunciation of Washington... except for all those times when he goes to them begging hat in hand for money. He's a real class act.

So that's why it's nice to see him double down on the crazy in an attempt to win the GOP nomination for Governor. What's he up to this time? Chuck Norris as a border guard and Secretary of Kicking Ass? Sovereign Texas money with Jesus on it? Cheap anti-science, pro-corporate stunts? Set another fire at the Governor's mansion? Decrying the stimulus while at an event touting money for and jobs saved by a stimulus project he's taking credit for? It was the science one. But it has a secessionist bent too. State's rights!

Gov. Rick Perry of Texas is suing the Environmental Protection Agency in a bid to stop it from regulating global warming pollution. The centerpiece of his argument? Those leaked "Climate-Gate" emails.
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Flanked by his attorney general, Greg Abbott, Perry declared at a press conference that the lawsuit was intended to "defend Texas' environmental successes against federal overreach." And he slammed the Obama administration for "using sweeping mandates and draconian punishments to force a square peg of their vision into the round whole of reality."

Abbott cited the emails to charge that the EPA was using "tainted data" when it ruled in December that heat-trapping gases are a threat to human health and can be regulated by the federal government.

Now, we all know where this one is going. Of course the hacked e-mails don't say anything near what Perry and Abbot say they do. Or even if e-mails from two scientists about their own research proved that their numbers were wrong or faked, that it doesn't invalidate all the multitudinous data from thousands of scientists in hundreds of disparate fields, across various disciplines, stationed everywhere across the globe that show what everyone knows the planetary scientific consensus is: planet warming, bad for humans. Or that if your position about climate change being a hoax was so strong you wouldn't have to lie about leaked e-mails. But that's not going to stop Perry. No, he's got two strong primary challengers, needs to rally the base, and most of his money and support comes from energy interests. Priorities people, priorities.

So big ups to Perry and Texas (ooh, and Virginia too, who has an attorney general with lots of ties to energy interests as well). You aren't going to let a little thing like science stand in the way of political grandstanding, primary politics, corporate whoring, and placing short term electoral and economic goals over long term economic and environmental ones. But I guess you've got a big state and can afford to see some of it under water. Plus, who is going to notice a couple degree increase in temperature when it's already hot as hell? Well done. I hope they make you double governor.

For Jesus

Because He's the reason for the Season, Jesus is getting a lot of press recently. He's also getting his name dropped a lot by our elected betters in order to justify whatever it is they want at the moment. Like Rep. Louis Gohmert (R-TX) who has read the bible at least twice and knows for certain that Jesus would be opposed to the permanent extension of the estate tax the House just passed.

Now, after someone dies and someone comes in and steals from them, we consider that in most society reprehensible. … But when the government comes in, because we have the power to pass laws and legalize theft that otherwise would be considered reprehensible, it’s okay. But it is not okay. … Jesus never advocated the government go steal. He said ‘you do it. Do it with your own money, don’t steal it from somebody else.’ And that is why this should not pass.

I believe it was in the Gospel of Paul where Jesus said "And lo my Father was set to let me inherit the earth. But I said to Him 'Father, this is a valuable thing and thus Rome will tax it at a rate of 45%, crippling my small carpentry business. Let the meek inherit it, for they are stupid and will not understand the immense personal freedoms of theirs that are being crushed.'"

Then I believe he said to Luke "Listen man, why does the fuckin' government gotta be so hostile to small business? No, shut up Saul, this isn't about me bitching 'cause I'm not gonna inherit as much as I thought I was. Fuck off with that 'It doesn't affect 99.8% of estates' shit, you fucking bookworm. I'm talking about freedom man. Fuck it's hot out, this climate change shit is also a scam."

So now you know: Jesus was opposed to the estate tax. He probably hated the fuck out of capital gains taxes as well, but I haven't been able to find the passages.

Just desserts

Let's say you're Texas, the state known for it's streak of independence and the fact that everything is bigger there. Because of that your laws have to be bigger and more independent than any other state in the union. So when one of the two things your state is most known for possessing (*psst*, it's the "and queers" part of "steers and queers") wants to get married against the wishes of God, then you have to create the biggest and most comprehensive law banning their unholy coupling. Yeah........how'd that work out?

Barbara Ann Radnofsky, a Houston lawyer and Democratic candidate for attorney general, says that a 22-word clause in a 2005 constitutional amendment designed to ban gay marriages erroneously endangers the legal status of all marriages in the state.
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But the trouble-making phrase, as Radnofsky sees it, is Subsection B, which declares:

"This state or a political subdivision of this state may not create or recognize any legal status identical or similar to marriage."
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But Radnofsky, who was a member of the powerhouse Vinson & Elkins law firm in Houston for 27 years until retiring in 2006, says the wording of Subsection B effectively "eliminates marriage in Texas," including common-law marriages.

Whoops. All along we've been told that it was the gays that were going to destroy marriage. Turns out it was the Texas legislature with an assist from Texas citizens. I have to say that is quite a commitment to marriage and homo-shunning. I mean to just wall off marriage in a hermetically sealed container, never to be touched or used by anyone after 2005? That's dedication to the institution. Now no one can ruin it. Not the gays or all the politicians in Texas who are on their third wife. Hey, I have a great tourism slogan for you: "Texas: a great place for singles....because no one can ever get legally married here."

So I offer a hearty congratulations to the people of Texas. You didn't just go with the standard homo bashing that's good enough for most states, you went big with the fag-hatin', as is your custom, ...and now marriage doesn't count in your state. Point and laugh at Texas children, point and laugh. We all eagerly await your next comical folly in an attempt to strip people of rights and treat them as second class citizens. May I suggest a referendum on illegal immigrants that strips everyone in the state of their US citizenship? Ahh, I'm sure you've got something even better cooked up.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 11.10

Glenn Beck loses 'raped and murdered' arbitration
In a strike for first amendment rights, comedy, and questions over whether or not Glenn Beck did rape and murder a young girl in 1990, the World Intellectual Property Organization ruled that is was well within the rights of satire to ask question about what Glenn Beck may or may not have done to that poor girl on a dark day in 1990. Good thing Beck sued, otherwise this story wouldn't have blown up into a huge internet meme. Maybe next time he'll try to hush up his raping/murdering (alleged) a little better.

Teacher Claims Fingerprinting Is ‘Mark of the Beast’
Sweet Jesus Texas, I'd sell you back to Mexico if they'd take you. Yes Texas, where an evangelical schoolteacher is suing the state over a law that requires her to give fingerprints as part of her teaching permanent record. Why is she afraid? Did she rape and murder a young girl in 1990? No, fingerprinting is the "mark of the beast" that Satan will use to blah blah blah. Not so much the fingerprints or the ink and paper, though those a good candidates for the Devil, no the mark of the beast is the computer hard drive that stores those fingerprints. What are you willing to bet she teaches science?

NASA on a crusade to debunk 2012 apocalypse myths
Since NASA doesn't have anything better to do, like fly space missions or go to the moon, they've taken to cobbling together their nickels in an attempt to drill reality into conspiracy theorists heads that a giant hidden planet called Nibiru isn't going to smash into the Earth in 2012 and the Mayans didn't know dick. Because nothing convinces conspiracy theorists like hard science, facts, and evidence from a government organization. As a last ditch effort NASA is planning on locking these people into a screening of the film 2012. Then, when the horror is over, mockingly ask them "Seriously, that's what you fucking believe in? John Cusack outwitting the earth in a limo?" Shame and the forced viewing of a terrible movie is the only way these people will learn.

FBI Interrogators Argued in 2002 That ‘Enhanced’ Interrogation Techniques Were Illegal and Ineffective
Well what do you fucking know, the FBI knew what pretty much everyone else knew about "enhanced interrogation": that it didn't work, led to false confessions, and violated a myriad of US and International laws. But, of course, they're only the FBI, so what the fuck do they know? Not as much as Dick Cheney, the Pentagon, and the CIA, that's for sure. Still though, I find it hard to believe that the Bush Administration deliberately ignored the opinions of the best trained and most experienced people in the government about interrogations. That just doesn't seem plausible. I'm sure they never got the memo. That must be why they had to torture.

What's 'V' really about?
Were you curious about the new show "V", but didn't think you could plausibly graft a conspiratorial right wing theory about Obama and health care onto the plot? Well you aren't as smart as the New York Post. I don't know if I should trust the Post on this one. I mean if it was this obvious, shouldn't Glenn Beck have sniffed this one out and shouldn't the pilot at least have inspired a few tea bagger signs at the Super Bowl of Freedom? It's a shame that Obama's government issue, appendix eating nanobots have sidelined him or Beck would have had this all diagrammed out on a chalkboard by now. Until then, I'll just avoid it until half a season has passed and we can all be sure that it isn't harboring a liberal agendas, like all TV.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 10.05

Buyout Firms Profited as a Company’s Debt Soared
Doesn't it warm the cockles of all our hearts when we see a venerated and popular American company bankrupted? Yes, it does. But I think it always leaves us with one question: were financial companies, private equity firms, and investment firms able to rape close to a billion out of the company as they essentially overburdened it with debt and ran it out of business? In this case? Yes. It's a heartwarming tale of greed and quality mattresses in our new financial apocalypse.

Goldman to be paid $1bn if CIT fails
God bless Goldman-Sachs. When they aren't giving Matt Taibbi an aneurysm, stocking the government with cronies, and working the financial apocalypse to their benefit, they get to do things like take out credit default swaps on companies like CIT and make a billion dollars while sticking the government for a $2.3 billion dollar bill. I'm sure Tim Geithener will get right on this, provided any deferred compensation he's owed by Goldman isn't affected by it.

Obama's Meeting With the Dalai Lama Is Delayed
There are a multitude of reasons you don't want to meet the Dalai Lama. His drinking, the racist jokes he tells, the expensive items he orders off the menu and sticks you with the tab for, and lets not forget the constant droning bullshit about "spiritual enlightenment" and how to achieve it. But probably the best reason to snub the Lama is to placate your biggest creditor, China. I'm glad we've chosen that track, along with soft pedaling criticism of their human rights, financial, and trade policies. It just feels right, you know?

Gov. Perry replaces head of agency investigating Texas arson findings
What do you do when clear evidence shows you that you're about to execute an innocent man based on witnesses that are proven to have lied and deeply flawed scientific evidence that everyone in the scientific community now recognizes as wrong? If you're Texas? Execute the guy anyway, and then, as a coda, start firing people who are set to investigate the case and your seriously flawed arson investigations. I'm surprised at this, I thought Texas Governor Rick Perry, what with his calls for secession and his cries against the tyranny of government...and his calls for more government assistance and money, seemed like such a stable and honest fellow.

Mysterious Private Security Firm Gets Control Of Empty Jail In Small Montana Town
This feels right. Isn't it about time a shadowy unregistered private security firm took over a small rural town after they take over the town's jail and unilaterally declare themselves the town's police force? We had Blackwater run rampant in Iraq (among other places) and private security firms already served as a villain in 24, isn't about time we imported that fun here? I think we can sacrifice the 3,400 people of Hardin for what will almost certainly inspire an awesome season of 24 or at least a great sequel to Red Dawn.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 09.01

Baucus: Health Care Reform Will Happen This Year With Or Without GOP
Max Baucus wants you to know that we're all still on track for a "bipartisan" "compromise" on health care in his Finance Committee's "Gang of Six" negotiations. Sure, two of the three Republicans he's negotiating with, Grassley and Enzi, have overtly stated that they aren't interested in actually passing anything of use, are out there touting how destructive they've been to the process and how much they've helped delay reform, but Max is still convinced. They better watch out though, you cross Max Baucus sixty or seventy times and he'll start giving serious consideration to possibly not letting you have your way with him.

The Five Biggest Lies in the Health Care Debate
Newsweek is back with an addendum to their previous Seven Falsehoods About Health Care article. Isn't it nice to be blessed with so many falsehoods? We're moving beyond mere death panels (though death panels still are a feature) and into specific false claims like dirty Mexicanos gettin' free health care, you will be randomly assigned health care benefits irrespective to what you want or need, and no chemo for old people. That's all well and good, but what about the plan for the death panels to authorize Mexicans to kill grandma with radiation in return for free health care? How come no one's talking about that?

White House drug deal won't save money
What. A. Shocker. Who could have foreseen that cutting a deal with pharmaceutical companies wouldn't be great for them and shitty for us. Namely in that it weakens incentives for people to buy generic drugs and makes sure that the government subsidizes the more expensive brand names. But hey, at least we did get all those great ads

Right-Wing Extremists Protest Health Care Reform: “We Hate the United States!”
Oh Texas secessionists, you are so precious. What was supposed to be just a simple protest about the icy hand of socialism strangling grandma at her bridge game, morphed into cries of governmental tyranny, demands for secession, and proclamations of flag/America hate. It must suck for guys like Glenn Beck and Hannity. Here you are trying to do all this hard work coming up with crazy conspiracy theories to poison the health care debate and then that hard work gets tainted by even crazier people with even crazier ideas. Is there no justice?

Han Solo Was No Vo Nguyen Giap
Wished there were more serious conversations about counterinsurgency policy in Iraq and Afghanistan as compared to the strategy of the Rebel Alliance and Empire in Star Wars? The Center For A New American Security is there for you with discussions about the destruction of Alderaan vis-a-vis an effective counterinsurgency policy. Hopefully they'll eventually get into the co-opting of the Ewoks as a homegrown insurgency, but for now this is a good start.

Talk Like Warren Ellis
ATTENTION SCUM: I WILL FUCKING CUT YOU. Ever wished you could Tweet like Warren Ellis, but lacked the disdain for humanity, expressive vocabulary, consumptive cough, or proper vulgar descriptives? No worries, the internet is here for you, providing an nigh on inexhaustible Warren Ellis styled Twitter greeting generator. Finally the intarwubs has produced something useful...something important. With that said, good day, internet porn intestines. I hate you with the fire of ten suns.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 08.31

More ‘Evidence’ of Intelligent Design Shot Down by Science
I don't know. You mean to tell me that combining the intellectual rigor of 'God did it" with lying about actual science doesn't stand up to scientific scrutiny? Color me surprised and subsequently damned by God for all eternity for believing in Darwin's monkey myth. We'll throw it on the pile with all the other clear refutations. I feel sorry for the scientists studying this stuff. Sure they're making important discoveries about biology and evolution, but their audience is a group of people who will never be swayed by things like "evidence" and "scientific proof." Oh well, here's to hoping someone just finds a golden tablet under a tree that says God says evolution is real. Then, we'll have real proof.

Trial by Fire: Did Texas execute an innocent man?
Yes, it's what they do. Next question. Oh, you wanted to know if Texas executed a specific man who also happened to be innocent. Yes. Next question. But please, do read the New Yorker's comprehensive story on the case of one Cameron Todd Willingham and how you can get executed over disproven forensics and a host of other obvious mistakes and lies and a Governor too busy prattling on about secession to read about things like science and evidence.

The Cutting Edge – Humidity, Summer Skiing at Falwell's University
You know when your school doesn't have to spend money on things like accreditation and accurate science textbooks...or really any books other than the bible, you get to buy the campus some pretty kick ass shit. Like a snowless ski hill. Because what other way is there to crank out the next generation of Monica Goodlings unless your campus is not only pious, but totally radical.

Environmentalists Slow to Adjust in Climate Debate
Other than the first rule of dealing with hippies (Never go with a hippie to a second location), the second is the most important: never let the hippies organize a counter lobbying effort when they're pitted against energy conglomerates. See the story of concerted organization, junkets, press time, and face time with legislators vs. ......stickers. Yeah, looks like sensible environmental legislation and cap & trade is going to have to wait a while. On the bright side, at least Phish is back together.

Israel's Wealthiest Woman Says She Can See the Future
I think we found the answer to the question "How much money do you have to have before your crazy outbursts, deranged proclamations, and God complex are largely ignored?" The answer is $2.7 billion, which is the exact amount that Shari Arison, the richest woman in the Middle East and seer of the future, is carting around. So if you want people to believe your street-corner proclamations about government nanobots in your blood, you better start investing.

Decision to end ‘Reading Rainbow’ traced to a ‘shift’ in priorities during the Bush administration.
Turns out you can pretty much blame everything on the Bush Administration, even the cancellation of beloved reading shows. But then again you can see the logic. They were pretty sure that the book banning thing was going to catch on more than it did and didn't see the need to fund a show that promoted reading. It's a shame, Reading Rainbow's review of "The Pet Goat" was what famously got George to pick up the book in the first place....and not put it down for 7 minutes.

Broken News: Pope to name Hannity honorary Nazi

Mein Fucker

VATICAN CITY--Just two days after being made an "honorary Texan" by Governor Rick Perry, Fox News personality and incomparable discourse stain, Sean Hannity, has been granted yet another noble distinction by a popular figurehead.

During a morning tour of the Vatican's condom stapling facilities, Pope Benedict XVI announced that he will extend to Hannity the title of "honorary Nazi." Benedict, a former member of the Hitler Youth, praised Hannity's tireless commitment to malignant groupthink, dangerous propaganda, and transparent hatred of all things non-white.

Reading from a prepared statement, the Pope said, "Few media personalities today so embody the true spirit of divine-inspired fascism. From his demonization of minority cultures, to his professional trading in half-truths and blatant lies, to his unflinching loyalty to all that is evil in the world, Sean Hannity carries on this proud tradition in a manner consistent with history's greatest monsters."

Previous honorary Nazis include such luminaries as Walt Disney, Henry Ford, and Spiro Agnew.

Sources close to the pontiff suggested that, upon hearing of Gov. Perry's recognition of Hannity, he grew jealous and retired immediately to his private chamber, wherein infant field mice are routinely set loose for His barefoot Holiness to trample into ceremonial jelly.

"Nobody outbids the Pope," said one Vatican insider on condition of anonymity. "Much as the state of Texas has every right to its substantial share of thought criminals and psychopaths, we can't let them poach all the talent."

Officials in the Texas Governor's office refused comment, although one senior staffer suggested that this was yet the latest in a long string of publicity stunts aimed at promoting Pope Benedict's new album, to be released later this year by Geffen UK.

Spokespeople from the Vatican, far from dismissing this claim, openly admitted these proceedings were all a part of extending the Pope’s image beyond the mere confines of Catholicism and into new areas such as talk radio that are traditionally more open to deeply hypocritical, moralizing father figures.

"We're just trying to expand the Pope's brand," said Vatican public relations director, Marissa Florentine. "People are too caught up with the Pope as a religious figure. We're trying to show them that he's a far-reaching global phenomenon and that religion is merely his medium. What better way to do that than by releasing a free-form Latin jazz and spoken word benediction album while simultaneously honoring the goat-legged Hellspawn of the new Fourth Reich?"

Indeed, after an official ceremony where the Fox News host will be presented with a brown shirt, Iron Cross, decorative faux-human skin lampshade, and certificates proclaiming him an honorary Field Marshall in the Panzer Corps, as well as one of the heralds of the apocalypse, the Pope will begin a whirlwind series of promotions set to increase his profile.

They include such events as a stint on I’m a Leader of a Major World Religion…Get Me Out of Here, a guest spot at the Michael Jackson tribute concert where he will sing “Dirty Diana” and name Jackson an honorary Catholic Priest for “his works ‘touching’ the ’lives’ of children”, and promotional appearances at several flagship Prada stores to sign pairs of his new limited-edition Benedictus Dominus Deus Air Max Zoom 100 Papal cross-trainers.

Some analysts believe that today's events are a precursor to a possible bidding war between the Lone Star State and the Vatican for rights to people who are morally bankrupt enough to willingly associate themselves with both Christianity and Texas. Calls on behalf of both parties have reportedly already been placed to the representatives of Ann Coulter, Pete Coors, Michael Bay, Senate Minority Leader John Boehner, and Pittsburgh Pirates owner Bob Nutting.

While open to negotiations with most of the aforementioned human scum, Catholic officials have formally declined overtures from Glenn Beck's agent, citing the church's intractable stance against bestiality.

Vatican officials hope to hold the ceremony sometime during the next Blood Moon.

Bushie's Dallas based Fortress of Justice

Via the good people at Preston Hollow People comes glimpse at the $3.95 million smackeroo, 1.15 acre, 8.051 square foot home our former President will be wiling his days away in, free from prosecution for all that stuff he did. I know you're asking "where's the waterboarding room?" People people, it's at Cheney's house. Also not pictured are Bush's foam cowboy hat and air horn showroom, the room where Laura goes to cry in silence, the mantle where Bush displays the bronzed last shred of American dignity that he and Rumsfeld stole out of Teddy Roosevelt's mausoleum, the workout room with that punching bag that's shaped like his father, the signed photo of Jesus with the message "George, history will totally vindicate the wars I told you to start. Your friend in Christ, Christ.", and the BBQ grill shaped like Reagan.

I guess some things need to be saved for that Better Homes and Gardens spread.

Record Straightening

For reasons beyond my comprehension, an otherwise skilled and professional AP journalist occasionally contacts me for comment on whatever the news cycle is gnawing on that particular day. This week it was, naturally, Porcine AIDS ("Swine Flu" to you nonbelievers) and so my take was buried somewhere around the tenth paragraph of this wire piece and published.

The thing is, they cut all of my Texas jokes. And while the Associated Press is held to certain standards of accuracy and decorum, Matthew and I have no such reservations. Thus, we can publish the redacted material here, below the fold. Why? Because we're self-promoting shills. Why else? Because Fuck Texas, that's why.

JN: I am wondering if you have any thoughts about living in NYC during this emerging swine flu threat. Are you changing your habits at all? Avoiding crowds? Public transportation? Washing hands more? Or not. Any thoughts would be appreciated. You can email me or call (I’m writing it today). Hope to hear from you!

SM: Pleasure to hear from you. I hope all is well with the AP now that they're in the business of suing content aggregation outfits, apparently without irony.

[All the stuff that made the cut was here]

And it's not as though I needed a new excuse to avoid the apparent epicenters of the outbreak: Texas, Ohio, all the hot spring break spots in Mexico... oh, and Queens.

Not that it wouldn't be interesting to watch Texans encounter a pig they couldn't barbecue, deep fry, sodomize, or deport. Think there's any truth to the rumor that if you live in Texas and contract swine flu, your life expectancy actually increases?

Seriously, what's wrong with any of that? Loosen up, AP.