The plot thickens

Look, we all know that Arizona had to get it's border in order by arresting anyone who is suspected of enjoying Tecate and Corona unironically. I mean after all, these Mexicans are not only almost all drug mules, but they're beheading each other in the desert in scenes that would make Cormac McCarthy grimace. So says AZ Governor Jan Brewer, who sticks by her story no matter how many media outlets say she tells insane lies or that she's an insane liar.

But Brewer has only uncovered the tip of the Latino spear. Rep. Sue Myrick (R-NC), the ranking GOP member of the House Intelligence Subcommittee on Intelligence Community Management who would become the chairwoman if Republicans take back the House, has found an even more sinister plot. By "found" I do mean "imagined". But the thought of it did give her the vapors so hard that it's practically the same as the truth.

MYRICK: Well the thing that concerns me, and you mentioned this briefly, Iran is working with Venezuela. And they’re transiting through Venezuela, taking Spanish for maybe six months. They’re getting the false documents that they need, coming up through Mexico and if they’re stopped, they just say well I’m Spanish. And it, oh I mean Mexican...
...
And the other thing that we’re seeing, and we’re seeing it in your state in particular in the prisons is Farsi tattoos. Farsi is basically a Persian language, which Iran is, and we know we’ve seen Arabic tattoos in our prisons for a long time, but we haven't seen Farsi tattoos in a long time.

That cinches it! Iran and Venezuela are working together to subvert our borders and fill up our prisons! Those prisons are for black people, Iran and Venezuela, not fake Mexicans with Farsi tattoos!

Once these Iranian agents learn the secret of our prisons, our fruit and vegetable picking operations, how to get building work standing out in front of the Home Depot, and low paid child care... my God, they'll be unstoppable. You know, as long as their obvious Farsi tattoos (that probably say "secret agent" in foreignese) don't blow their secret status. But Rep. Myrick is on to you, Iranezuela Global Conspiracy!

I think it's clear what we need to do here. 100 foot wall across the border? Sure. But we need to fear the Latino! When they aren't beheading people to steal the drugs they're smuggling, they're stealing our freedom and sending it back to Mexico, and engaging in terrorist conspiracies with Muslims. Fear the Hispanic. And, for good measure, the Gypsies, Homosexuals, and the Jews. But mostly the Mexicans and fake-Mexican Venezuelan Iranians. It's the only way we'll be safe from the imaginations of Republican border governors and Republican Intel Committee members who should both theoretically know better.

Chart of the day

I know you've been asking "Matt, name me one way in which the Gulf oil spill could get unimaginably worse." To which I give you this answer: a hurricane.

That's right, a massive hurricane right in the Gulf. To properly scare you even further, the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration came up with a chart showing all the hurricanes that have passed directly over the spill area... which, to be fair, constitutes most of the Gulf. Oh yes, this is scientific based fear mongering. The best kind.

click to embiggen

Think it can't get worse than that? How about if some one uses a flamethrower to ignite the oil saturated hurricane and the resulting explosion turns it into a whirling Category 5 hellstorm/malevolent inferno?

OK, that probably can't happen outside of a Roland Emmerich or Michael Bay "film", but then again, a few months back I bet we all thought that a bunch of limeys couldn't possibly ever figure out a way to empty out all the contents of the earth into the Gulf of Mexico. I'm just saying that Hurricane Lucifer is a possibility. Prepare yourself.

Oh you didn't know about the breathing tax, did you?

From the RNC comes this extra-crazy bit of reactionary paranoia. The black man knows where you keep your money! He's coming to take it! Taxes! Fuck your wheelchairs! Gesundheit tax! Breathing taxes! IRS agents multiplying like Agent Smith in the Matrix! Cats and dogs living together and getting taxed!



I'd tell you to take a few deep breaths and relax, but I don't know if you can afford the extra money you'd have to pay out to Obama's IRS Airstapo. Plus there's that whole Relaxation Tax too. But I've said too much, I'll probably have to pay the Revealing Too Much Sinister Information Tax.

In any event, as the ad implores you: give to the RNC. They really need the cash to put together a kick-ass lesbian bondage and stripper party. Gotta spend money to make money!

Broken News: Solemn Vigils do not Mark 364th Day of Darkness

Above: Morning call to prayer at Yankee Stadium

OBAMERICA--Millions across the nation were constitutionally barred from gathering today to mark the 364th day of unending darkness brought about by the ascendancy of the iron-fisted Kenyan Islamofascist Socialist dictator Barack Hussein Obama (praise be unto him).

Tomorrow will mark the one-year anniversary of His Righteousness' (bless his name) illegal seizure of the great nation formerly known as [name redacted by Ministry of Information], as well as the summary execution of all peaceful, God-fearing Americans.

"I'll never forget where I was on that fateful day," remarked one anonymous denizen of this troubled land. "It was just after morning prayer. I was engaged in some routine free market capitalism when I stopped to clean my gun in front of the television..."

This brave ex- [former nationality redacted] fought back tears as s/he recalled the S.S. (Socialist Squad) kicking down the door and conducting the standard Obamanization protocol with which we are all now familiar.

"I... I just don't understand why they had to use a shampoo bottle. What's the symbolism there?"

Given the laws, enacted on the same day as the inauguration of Obama (God's love be upon him), outlawing public assembly, free speech and the worship of any deity who is not our Supreme Leader (blessings to his name and testicles), no rallies were scheduled or media campaigns enacted.

Despite all of this, there seems to be some small sliver of Hope (TM) amongst those who wish for nothing other than a safe place to raise, arm and educate their children. A small online community hosted on offshore servers has sprung up. With close to two dozen members, the organization represents the largest challenge to-date of Supreme Leader Obama's (smiles and ass-ticklings of the afterlife all over his sweet, sweet ass) uncontested power.

Speaking from an undisclosed location, Rahm Emanuel, Director of Ideological Oneness, seemed unconcerned with this perceived threat.

"Our fearless and peerless Leader, may the heavens rinse and gargle before tonguing his taint, has long known of these nonbelievers. Rest assured, this battle station is now the ultimate power in the universe."

"But perhaps I've alluded to too much," he grimly intoned, pressing the button on his Blackberry that activates the anal electroshock implants in government opponents, as per the statute secretly added to the Cash for Clunkers program.

Despite all the feckless wailing of those who will soon be crushed by our President (oh, how he walks among us like a sex God amongst infertile ants), most have come to recognize the necessity of such actions.

"It has been 'explained' to me and I have now come to realize that these measures are for my own benefit," observed Barack HX77A1NR-B Obama, retrained and renamed in accordance with Operational Directive 6-C at the Pert Plus Re-education and Knowledge Camp in Atlanta.

But while these sparse vigils, which the government notes are like the buzzing of flies to our leader (may his hair continue to retain its shine, thickness and avoid any daily build-up), mark the last vocal remnants of opposition to the unending darkness, we are Constitutionally required to claim that everyone else is in full accordance with the New Ways.

"Yes... things are better now than was ever before conceived of by humanity," said an unidentified human female, who asked that her name and any identifying descriptions be withheld in case she had not praised the government sufficiently in accordance with the Tolerance Protocols.

Human female was quick to note the fun surrounding the mysterious disappearance of the bones of everyone who worked at Fox News, the banning of tea bags, and how Noam Chomsky had replaced Dora on Dora the Explorer as some of the many positive boons of the New Ways.

"I still don't understand why they had to do that whole shampoo bottle bit to a cartoon character. No one has ever really explained that," she finished.

In the end, these vigils are merely blips on the radar of the Kenyan's (oh how we are unfit to even praise Him) continued glorious subjugation of the free people of the former [redacted]. Sources close to the government declare that forces are moving to deal with these "blips" before morning prayers are blasted from the spiral minarets that have been erected in each local commune and that they will soon be just another fast-fading memory.

Oh praise be unto His unending reign.