Quote of the day

Amongst the criticisms of the LeBron James "I'm taking my talents to South Beach" ego festival, one of the lesser raised one was what it said about LeBron himself. Namely being that for all of the heralded sports giants and "best evers" that have kicked around in various sports, none of them ever seemed to be all that eager to, in their prime, go play second banana to a rival.

Your Jordan's, Bird's, Lemieux's and the like had confidence in their own abilities and stuck it out on the team they were on through bad years and years were they fell short on the singular premise that they thought they were the best and that they would eventually win if they worked hard enough and long enough. Because they were the best. Confidence in self.

Not so much the case with LeBron.

So what happens when they ask one of these legends what they think of James' decision to to Dwyane Wade's team in Dwyane Wade's town to play second fiddle to Dwyane Wade? Well Jordan, as was his style when he played, went right for the throat and Charles Barkley joined in for a little extra kicking.

"There's no way, with hindsight, I would've ever called up Larry [Bird], called up Magic [Johnson] and said, 'Hey, look, let's get together and play on one team,'" Jordan said after playing in a celebrity golf tournament in Nevada. The interview aired on the NBC telecast of the event. "But that's ... things are different. I can't say that's a bad thing. It's an opportunity these kids have today. In all honesty, I was trying to beat those guys."
...
"He'll never be Jordan," Barkley told 790 The Ticket in Miami earlier in the week. "This clearly takes him out of the conversation. He can win as much as he wants to."

No word if either of them spat out a terse "....bitch!" when they were done. Hey Bron, Jordan just dunked on you, tongue out and everything, and there's nothing you can do to even rebut it.

On the other hand, Vice-President is a nice job to have. No pressure, the President does all the work, you get to act crazy and people will slough it off as you "just being the VP", and you get to be President if something should happen to the top dog. Look at how Joe Biden is handling things. It's a fun gig. Plus, I hear Dwyane is a nice boss to have. He won't even make you call him Mr. Wade. Bosh still has to get coffee though. I just hope sports self-castration works out for you.

Headlines

Florida Senate Candidate Believes That Terrorist Sorcerers Are Coming To Rape Our Cars

Yeah, you're going to want to click through to learn about the conspiracy that reaches back beyond Salem to before the Vikings, effects our bowel movements, and our transportation. Paiboon Sunthonchart Jr. knows and now he wants you to know.

I kind of want to vote for Mike Weinstein

My recipe for voting is simple: I choose the guy who offends me the least. Barring that, the one who entertains me the most. It helps if they're an out of touch old white guy, who is earnestly trying to connect to "the kids" with "the music" on "the internets".

Such is the case with Republican Mike Weinstein, who is running for the Florida House in District 19. No crazy conversations with dead Presidents. No heavily accented pledges to outlaw the gays followed with bible verses. Just an oddly long song about a candidate, sung by the dancing youth of Florida.



"Hey honey? Kids still like the WHAM!, right? *crooning* Wake me up before you go-go! Or Footloose! I kind of want to do a video like that, only about me. Call up the neighbor's boy, I hear he has a camera."

I think the body popping and twirling dancing youth really express his commitment to *checks site* supporting a no plea deal policy for sexual predators. KEYBOARD SOLO!!!

Seriously, if he pledges to make an album full of this stuff, I'll fly down and work on his campaign.

Headline of the day

Captain America Arrested With Burrito In Pants

Is there more? Of course there's more.

Everything was fine until, witnesses said, Captain America started getting too forward with a burrito he kept tucked inside his blue tights, a burrito that ultimately landed him in jail.
...
Police said Adamcik had a burrito stuffed below the waistband of his costume and was asking women if they want to touch it. When one refused, he allegedly took out the burrito and groped her.

The woman called police and, when they arrived, the officers wrote in their report "there were so many cartoon characters in the bar at the time, all Captain America's were asked to go outside for a possible identification."The woman pointed out Adamcik and the burrito was found in his boot.

Thankfully for the sake of freedom and America's fight against the Red Skull, Captain America will not do jail time.

Yes, this did happen in Florida. Did you even need to ask?

Headline of the day

Florida legislature fails to outlaw sex with animals

Sadly, I'm not sure whether that headline is supposed to be written with a normal period or five exclamation points. I guess it depends on which side of the debate you fall on: normal Americans who don't have or want to have sex with animals... or the Florida legislature.

Why didn't the bill pass this time? Well, they say it's because someone tried to tack on a shady rider for guns and fertilizer, which killed the bill. I say it's because most of the Florida legislature enjoys the sexual thrill of when a wild gator goes into a death roll mid-coitus.

Lest they be accused of supporting sex with animals, the Florida Legislature quit trying to pass this bill because they claimed that they didn't want to be accused of wasting time by addressing this issue. But, as Think Progress points out, they were able to waste time addressing banning gays from adopting or marrying.

So, if you sleep with a member of the same sex, Florida has all the time in the world to meddle in your business. If you sleep with a member of another species, Florida can't be bothered. It's as God intended.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 03.11

Darfuristan
Remember Darfur? Of course you do. It was a big problem with genocide in.... Africa or someplace, Ryan Gosling wore that Darfur t-shirt, then everything got fixed. Not so much. In a sprawling Rolling Stone article, Ben Wallace-Wells takes a look at how the various international efforts and strategies have created a quagmire situation in Darfur and how the problems going on there are different, yet still as potentially bad as the ones that were occurring six years ago.

Florida Lawmaker Attempts To Deny Tax Credit To Movies Filmed With Gay Characters
That's right, a Florida legislator is trying to deny a tax credit to any film that lenses in Florida with a gay character or otherwise doesn't conform to his standard of returning America's wang and our meth and gator repository back to an imagined Mayberry like existence. Luckily this doesn't pertain to films that hire gays or were written, directed, or starring gays. Otherwise no film would lens in Florida. Sadly this means that Sean and mine's attempt to film and all-gay remake of the Passion of the Christ will have to find another state to film in.

Reconciliation Not Easy to Influence
Whither the scummy lobbyist and industry shill? It seems in all this talk of reconciliation this and "improving health care" that we haven't been considering the feeling of insurance and pharmaceutical industry lobbyists. Thankfully Roll Call is there to let us hear their lamentations about how the reconciliation process will largely shut them out of making tweaks and suggestions to any bill. Oh sure, they've cut several pounds of flesh from the bills that were already passed, but how will they be able to survive unless they get a bill that completely caters to their whims? I don't want to live in a country that forces me to contemplate that thought.

Number of millionaires in America increased 16 percent in 2009.
Sure, you don't have a job and you just stole food from your cat, but thankfully our social and financial betters were able to become richer during these hard times. It's nice to know that most of this unpleasantness is being confined to the peasants classes. Rich getting richer? Poor getting poorer? I think we're right on track for a return to serfdom in 2019. That ought to make medieval studies students happy.

That's a hella number: Scientists call for new word to describe 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000
,000
We mostly applaud scientists and the pursuit of knowledge around here. But that's mostly because we took them to be serious scholars. Who knew that there were corners of science filled with brew-dog chugging frat bros chest bumping to Limp Bizkit. Why else would they propose that 'hella' join the ranks of giga, mega, and kilo. Sure, 27 zeros would need to be involved before the word hellameter was invoked, but it's the damn principle of the thing. Can't we use something classy, like 'fuckin' or 'shit-ton'?

Chile Earthquake Moved Entire City 10 Feet to the West
Earthquakes: they steal time, mess with our axis, and screw with out precise GPS and longitude/latitude systems. As of now, Concepcion is 10 feet west of where it used to be, Santiago moved 11 inches west, and even Buenos Ares moved an inch. Just imagine in Concepcion, you now have to walk a few steps further to get where you want to go. Also: your entire city was largely destroyed. Talk about piling up inconveniences. This is too much, I think we need to have a talk with the mole people or the CIA earthquake satellite so me can stop this time altering, geography shifting nonsense.

Warning

As part of the These Bastards Child Protective Services we would just like to pass on a warning to those of our readers from Indianapolis or New Orleans who are headed to Miami to partake in the festivities surrounding Super Bowl XLIV. If you have a child and a British man comes sliding up to the little angel on his knees from a great distance while windmilling a guitar: take caution. This man is a danger! There may or may not be a mop headed man wailing in the background.


No, seriously.

Protect Our Children, a non-profit community watchdog group based in Brevard County, is mailing thousands of postcards out in Miami Gardens and the areas surrounding Sun Life Stadium.

Townshend and his group, The Who, are slated to perform during halftime at Super Bowl XLIV on Feb. 7, and Protect Our Children has spent the past couple months trying to stop him from taking the stage.

If you really want to protect your children, don't play them the albums Face Dances, It's Hard, and Endless Wire after they've heard Tommy, Live at Leeds, and Who's Next. Strike that, it's OK to play them Eminence Front off of It's Hard.

Be forewarned, Townshend may be elderly and still able to shatter eardrums with a well placed windmill on Won't Get Fooled Again.

Headline of the day

South Florida sees rise in illegal horse meat market

63-INRI

From the great state of Florida comes yet another way to show fellow motorists that you love Jesus way more than them. Besides the Christ fish, the pro-life bumper stickers, the McCain/Palin bumper sticker, the truck nuts, and the full size oak cross you carry on your roof rack.

Sadly we have nothing of the sort in PA. The best I can get is one with an otter on it. Gotta love that Jesus plate though. Color coordinated yet properly stressing that Jesus died for our sins in a way that expresses Florida is the sunshine state: with a sun shining behind our crucified Lord. Subtle. Not sure if this is my favorite state plate though. Oklahoma will always have a special place in my heart.


Shame the eagle couldn't be shedding a single tear.

Warren Buffett wins Florida on a bet

These are tough economic times for many states. Budgets have to be met with large budget shortfalls being predicted. Couple that with some of the damage certain states have to pay for and insure because of hurricanes or tornadoes or other God based attacks. What is a state to do? Apparently make wagers with Warren Buffet where he promises to fund your bonds if your state is destroyed and you pay him money if it isn't.

Billionaire Warren Buffett’s Berkshire Hathaway Inc. won a $224 million bet that Florida would escape major damage from hurricanes this year.

Florida’s option agreement that would have compelled Buffett to buy $4 billion of bonds to finance storm recovery will expire Dec. 31, Dennis MacKee, a spokesman for the State Board of Administration, said in an interview today. The state earlier paid Buffett $224 million in return for his commitment to buy the debt if needed. The calm season meant Florida had no need to raise the money.

Florida turned to Omaha, Nebraska-based Berkshire to erase doubts about the state’s ability to raise money after a hurricane. The state sells coverage to homeowners and private companies at below-market rates, and plans to fund cash shortfalls in the bond market. Finding investors could be a “very challenging task,” Fitch Ratings said in March.

This is also in addition to a separate bet they made with Buffett over a hand of blackjack the result of which means Governor Charlie Crist has to streak from Jacksonville to Atlanta and pay Warren $100 million. Kids, never hit on 18. This new strategy of making bets with billionaires has caused a budget shortfall for the year after payouts had to be made. But good fortune has given Florida the opportunity to win the money back. If they correctly select the red queen in a game of three card monte, Buffett will make up the shortfall, if they can't, Florida owes double. No worries there, they've worked out a scheme with Bill Gates whereupon Bill will make up the difference if he gets to sleep with Florida's wife.

Running a state, it's serious business.