Retro crazy

Harry Reid is a happy man. The terminally pathetic Senate Majority Leader was looking to get handily trounced in his re-election efforts. Mostly because of the pathetic spinelessness thing. But he's seen his fortunes rise as it was revealed that almost all of his Republican opponents were crazy.

The biggest battle in the GOP primary was between two women: Sharron Angle, a teabagger, and Sue Lowden, the one who wanted our health care system to be based on the barter of chickens. In the end, last night, Reid lucked out as the crazier one won. By which I mean the teabagger.

But, lest we think we're about to enter a grand new era of crazy conspiracies about government run concentration camps, secession, abortion causing breast cancer, eliminating social security and medicare, and other various fringey talking points, Angle wants you to know that she's bringing back some of the classics in paranoid American conspiracy theories. I'm talking about fluoridation.

The Las Vegas Review-Journal reported in April 1999 that the state assembly, of which Angle was a member, voted 26-16 for a bill that required fluoridation in two counties including the cities of Reno and Las Vegas.
...
Before the vote, Assemblywoman Sharron Angle, R-Reno, sought to postpone the vote so she could add an amendment to block fluoridation in Washoe County. The Washoe County Commission in 1992 rejected fluoridation, and Angle said the Legislature should not approve fluoridation in her county.
...
[Bill proponent Chris Giunchigliani] attributed the reluctance of Angle and others to back the bill to its potential financial effect on Washoe County.

But Angle said she simply does not like fluoride.

So, if you're looking for a Senate candidate who is looking out to protect your precious bodily fluids from contamination by the international Communist conspiracy, Sharron Angle is the woman for you. They will not sap and impurify out precious bodily fluids!

In case you were wondering, that's the only way to make Harry Reid a palatable alternative. Amazing that the Nevada GOP found a way to do it. Stunning really.

Quote of the day

God love Michelle Bachmann. She's easy on the eyes and just a constant font of all kinds of bizarre conspiracies, juvenile legal theories, and homespun lunacy just like crazy mom used to make. What's she up to today? Well she's just trying to explain that she doesn't mean to offend when she claims large sections of this country are giving aid and comfort to some nebulous enemy.

BENNETT: Are you kind of surprised with even the media’s disgust with the procedures?

BACHMANN: Well, I’m amazed that they actually were willing to be shocked. Because for most of the time they have been, and you know, I don’t mean any disrespect, but they’ve been treason media. They haven’t been telling the whole story.

I don't mean any disrespect, I'm just saying you want America to fail and a series of legal procedures ending in your execution should be enacted for you actions. No disrespect intended. And, I don't want to offend you further, but I just think that your mother exchanges sexual services for cash and that your father acts as some sort of broker for these transactions. I don't mean anything bad by that, I'm just stating that charges of pimping and prostitution should be brought up in court... on your parents. I also think you molest children, but don't get all bent out of shape about me saying that.

Well done, Michelle. It's that extra sugary coating of fluffy bunnies and sunshine that our reckless accusations of treason have been missing in the past. If only Joseph McCarthy had baked sugar cookies that said "I think you're a commie" and handed them out with a smiling kitten card, we might not have such negative connotations associated with McCarthyism. Keep up the good work.

Of demons and abortions

If you've looked around the streets of your fair city or town today and have noticed that there seem to bee less crazies in the street panhandling for change, handing our xeroxed pamphlets about Ayn Rand, and ranting about the end times, that's with good reason: they're all in Washington putting on their final teabagger march against health reform. Waving around signs that say "Paid for by the RNC" in a bit of unintended irony and admitting defeat before they have even worked themselves into a full incoherent froth.

But as it is a Tea Party rally, that means there is ample opportunity for GOP Representatives to get up in front of a large crowd of crazies with misspelled placards and vaguely racist characters of our Kenyan President and try to out crazy them. Take for instance Louie Gohmert of, no surprises here, Texas. He decided to go for the gusto.

GOHMERT: I brought the bill that’s being talking about. Now I don’t want to offend anybody, I’m sure that there are people here who think abortion is okay, and I don’t want to make you sick, but I brought an abortion to show you today.

He then held up a bloody fetus high in the air, yelled "fuckin' liberals" and then tomahawk dunked it into a body bag that had "Reserved for Everyone's Grandma" stenciled on it.

Actually he held up the health care bill. He then made some claims about how the bills funds abortion, funds illegal immigrants, funds abortions from illegal immigrants, funds illegal immigrant abortions, and various other combinations of the words "illegals" and "abortion" you can think of. Of course this is not true. I did not have to tell you that, there are plenty of places to tell you that. Hell the bill probably makes abortion laws more restrictive in this country. But screaming facts at a tea bagger rally just isn't the style of the times, so we'll move on.

Gohmert wasn't finished moving on though, and he claimed to sense mystical spirits in the air.

There’s a whole lot of demons going on. There’s a lot of demons around here apparently.

He ain't afraid of no ghost! This bill is possessed! It's got the evil spirits and the ill omens! They call upon the spirit of Ronald Reagan and Hayek to exorcise it! This bill is unclean!

Frankly I just wish they'd pick one line of attack. Is this bill the ominous Ides of March? A vicious Pelosi-led suicide attack? The advent of the grandmapocalypse? A demonic abortion? The dawn of a virulent new socialist-communist hybrid? The end of civilization as we know it? I just want to know what evil I'm contributing to when I find it slightly easier to get slightly cheaper health care in 2014.

I have seen the future

Glenn Beck mugging and barking (yes, barking) his way through a typically incoherent rant:


Glenn Beck, three weeks from now:


When he starts shooting people in the night, don't say I didn't warn you New York.

Crazies

As we look at the shattered remnants of our political discourse, two things about our elected betters are clear: that Democrats are money hungry, timid, spineless, fuckups and the GOP is comprised of money hungry, deranged, conspiracy theorists. Now there is no great constituency holding marches on Washington encouraging the Democrats to so completely bungle their current majority, but there are large swaths of Americans who descend upon Washington to argue that Republicans need to get crazier and espouse more and more incoherent conspiracy theories about government and the President.

The only question is how much do these fringe teabag enthusiasts represent the mainstream of Republican voter thought. Thanks to Daily Kos and Research 2000, we know that answer: they represent and disturbingly large margin.

•"Do you think Barack Obama is a socialist?" Yes 63%, No 21%, Not Sure 16%.
• "Should Barack Obama be impeached, or not?" Yes 39%, No 32%, Not Sure 29%.
• "Do you believe Barack Obama was born in the United States, or not?" Yes 42%, No 36%, Not Sure 22%.
• "Do you believe Barack Obama wants the terrorists to win?" Yes 24%, No 43%, Not Sure 33%.
• "Do you believe ACORN stole the 2008 election?" Yes 21%, No 24%, Not Sure 55%.
• "Do you believe Barack Obama is a racist who hates White people?" Yes 31%, No 36%, Not Sure 33%.
• "Do you believe your state should secede from the United States?" The answer here is Yes 23%, No 58%, Not Sure 19%. Among Republicans in the South, secessionism is stronger at Yes 33%, No 52% Not Sure 15%.

I don't know what's more disturbing, that the Yes and No answers are so close together or the fact that the Not Sure numbers are so high on whether Barack Hussein Obama is Kenyan born socialist Muslim racist who wants America to lose, was installed into power by ACORN, and should be impeached. They can see the pro and con arguments for believing such a thing, but just need to do a little bit more research before coming down one way or the other.

That's in addition to the other finding in the poll which show, by large margins, that GOP voters don't want people in trade unions and don't wants gays to be allowed to do anything. Also: over a third believe that contraception should be outlawed and that birth control equals abortion.

So in case you had any illusions of the GOP and Democrats holding hands and working together, stow them away in the same place you put those dreams for world peace. Not only are the elected ones some of the worst conspiracy mongers out there, there exists a baseline of at least a quarter to a third of Republican voters that believes said craziness and a "not sure" base that could push support of that conspiracy up into fifty percent or two-thirds range.

So no, a battle of ideas won't be coming to our national political discourse anytime soon. Unless you think that "Run away and don't do anything" vs. "Impeach the Muslim socialist appeaser" is what a battle of ideas is. If it is, then you'll certainly be thrilled by the next few years of governance.

Video of the day

Felix Baumgartner will try to do this:



And try not to end up like this:


Worth a try I'd say. Good luck to him.

Makes sense

One has to appreciate all the opportunities that the Haiti earthquake has given people. Oh, not to improve a beleaguered country, show unprecedented levels of humanitarian care and aid, or aspire to the better angels of human nature. No, to come up with crazy ass conspiracy theories about the "truth" behind the relief efforts and the earthquake.

Of course the man to step up to the forefront is Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. First he stated we were using the earthquake and aid as a pretext for occupying Haiti. you know, because controlling Haiti would be such a jewel in our crown. But then he wised up and came to a more reasonable conclusion: we were responsible for the earthquake.

Venezuelan leader, Hugo Chavez has reportedly said the Haiti earthquake was caused by a U.S. tectonic weapons test, also being dubbed The Earthquake Weapon.

Hugo Chavez told Spanish newspaper ABC that a "tectonic weapon" launched by the U.S. Navy was capable of triggering a powerful earthquake off the coast of Haiti. Chavez told the newspaper that this time it was only a test and the ultimate target is Iran

First off: The Earthquake Weapon? That's an unbelievably shitty name. Come up with something better, Hugo. Secondly, he also blames the US for the January 9th earthquake in Eureka, CA, but says we only might be responsible for a 2008 earthquake in China. Which is it, Hugo? Do we cause all earthquakes now or just some of them? Get your facts straight.

As for the accusations that we want to use this secret (but not so secret that every two-bit conspiracy theorist not only knows about it, but also knows where it is located: the HAARP facility in Alaska) earthquake weapon to finally destroy Iran? Well, no shit. We don't have the troop strength to fully invade so our only other recourse is magic space vibrations shot from satellites formerly controlled by Sarah Palin.

It's just a shame that you caught on to our plan to unleash El Ultimo Tectonico Diablo on Iran. Now we can't crush them under the might of our weather controlling powers! Curse you, Hugo, and curse the Fifth Republic Movement! Now we'll have to wait to destroy Iran... that is unless... would people find it suspicious if Tehran was hit by a Category 5 hurricane? I guess we'll find out soon enough.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 01.14

Cancel Haiti's debt
Foreign Policy Magazine points out that due to various machinations, Haiti currently owes close to $2 billion in external debt. But, it also qualifies to have around $1.2 billion of that debt forgiven by the Inter-American Development Bank. I'm of the crazy idea that it'd probably be a good idea to forgive all of it. But then again, it's not like banks have been out to win any friends lately.

Mobile giving to help Haiti exceeds $5 million
The various text campaigns to raise money for Haiti (HAITI to 90999 and YELE to 501501) have raised over $5 million dollars for relief efforts, breaking previous records. But because we here are bitter, unpleasant men, this isn't so much about the incessant texting addiction of the American public finally being harnessed for something other than causing a car accident. No, it's about how Sprint is the only cell phone company that still sees fit to charge you a texting fee for donating money to the Red Cross. Yup, gotta make a buck somehow. So bully for them. They saw a humanitarian disaster and said "standard text messaging rates still apply." Slow golf clap for these good and decent people.

As Wallets Open For Haiti, Credit Card Companies Take A Big Cut
Speaking of grifting, thieving fucks here comes the credit card companies with their own way to skim money off the top of people's genuine concern for Haiti. Yup credit card companies are going to net a quarter of a billion a year off of credit card charges for charitable donations. Except for Capitol One, they seem the only ones wanting to be able to look at themselves in the mirror. American Express also announced that they would waive fees until the end of February because they realize it looks horrible. Priorities, people. Just because an entire company collapsed on itself doesn't mean quarterly earnings figures don't need to be met.

NHL investigating FSN Pittsburgh
As if the Philly/Pittsburgh hockey rivalry needed some extra juice, it turns out that FSN Pittsburgh may in fact withheld from goal review judges a critical angle showing the puck crossing the line during the last Penguins/Flyers matchup. And by "may" I mean "did", because they showed the angle right after it was ruled a no goal. It was hilarious. It's nice to see that even the production crew is getting into the rivalry and doing all they can to stick it to those cheap shotting, finger biting goons from Filthadelphia. Hopefully this is just another precursor to us sending them home early from the playoffs for the third straight year.

Chuck Norris Hunts for Obama's 'Secret Vault' as Interpol Conspiracy Theories Get Wilder
Have I mentioned hat Chuck Norris might be the craziest right winger in the country right now? I think it bears mentioning. Because he seems to be convinced that not only did President Obama five Interpol the ability to investigate, arrest, and detain American on American soil (they can't), but is certain that there is a secret vault in New York City where Interpol is secretly housing kidnapped Americans it secretly arrested in a secretive manner. And Chuck Fuckin' Norris is on the hunt to find that vault. I don't know what's sadder, that Chuck Norris believes this, he got it published on a website, or that a professional journalist had to wirte about it for an ostensibly important national news magazine. I wonder what Don "The Dragon" Wilson thinks about this whole Interpol business?

Natural disaster conspiracy

Of course the big story of today and the next few days is the continuing aftermath of the earthquake in Haiti. The country is so destroyed that it's making it extremely difficult to even get aid to the island let alone administer it and some projections have the death toll near 500,000. As such, there's not any type of humorous dick joke that can be made, so Sean and I aren't going to bother to try.

But, there is no shortage of right wing assholes who saw this tragedy and gleefully clapped their hands together and said "Ooooh, what a wonderful time to turn this into a political and religious dick slapping contest." Of course we already covered Pat Robertson waxing philosophic about the signed contract the devil has from the people of Haiti. But there's also Rush Limbaugh, who had concerns that the true story of this disaster was being missed.

"This will play right into Obama's hands. He's humanitarian, compassionate. They'll use this to burnish their, shall we say, "credibility" with the black community -- in the both light-skinned and dark-skinned black community in this country. It's made-to-order for them. That's why he couldn't wait to get out there, could not wait to get out there."

See! Dead people shmed people. Why aren't we talking about how Obama is going to use this to exploit and build his humanitarian street cred among blacks? Why aren't we talking about how eager the President seemed to be to get out there and talk about the crisis and organize a response to a massive humanitarian disaster? Why aren't people focusing on the important side of this story: that a black man might benefit politically if he handles the US response to the crisis well and ends up helping millions of displaced and injured Haitians? What an outrage!

He then spent time attacking Haiti as producing "zilch, zero, nada,", when it was one of only two Caribbean countries expected to see actual economic growth. He then seemed to think that we pay US income tax to Haiti and dusted off some of his most hilarious "Obama apologizes to other countries" material.

Yes, yes, we all know: Rush Limbaugh is an incredible prick and it's a shame that his heart attack didn't fell him. But I just wanted to point out what a special class of prick he was. It takes a certain kind of soul deadened cretin to see an entire country flattened and reports of half a million dead and crack ones knuckles and say to oneself "Time to mock these people, this country, and devote hours of coverage to my low grade racism and theories about how Mother Nature is conspiring to help out Barack Obama by destroying a whole country." We like to mock Glenn Beck around here, but when you see a master like Rush at work, it's only then when you realize who is the pro and who is the amateur.

You gotta pay to teabag

My fellow teabaggers, I have news on the groups of people who have attempted to steal our moniker in the service of politics; the tea party teabaggers. I know we were all pissed off that they took our testicle related thing and named their movement after it, but we have to put that behind us. They're in trouble and they're not sure what to do.

In the latest sign of rancor in Tea Party circles, a convention billed as an effort to bring together conservative activists from across the country is being attacked by some leading Tea Partiers as inauthentic, too tied to the GOP, and -- at $549 per head -- too expensive for the working Americans the movement aspires to represent.
...
Tea Party Patriots, which helped put together a September rally that drew tens of thousands to Washington, view the confab -- which is being held at Nashville's swank Opryland Gaylord hotel -- as the "usurpation of a grassroots movement," according to Mark Meckler, a leader of the group. "Most people in our movement can't afford anything like that," Meckler told TPMmuckraker, referring to the price tag. "So it's really not aimed at the average grassroots person."
...
"The Tea Party Movement is about to be hijacked," wrote one activist in an online comment recently.

Consternations! When did the tea party movement stop being about not understanding what the hell they were protesting, misspelled placards, and inarticulate insanity. Who could have ever foreseen that a movement that had already been hijacked by corporations in order to promote corporate goals, would further be hijacked in order to suck the last remaining dimes out of the true believers?

But why the exorbitant price to wave teabags around? Well, when you have to pay the giants of reactionary, ill-informed stupidity, Michelle Bachmann and Sarah Palin, upwards of $100,000 a piece to come speak, the value of such an endeavor has to be passed on to the peasants. But it's worth it. They're getting the premiere clueless conservative harpy tag team of the age. This is like getting to see the Hart Foundation in their prime taking apart some helpless jobbers on a Saturday morning. Only with more teabags and birth certificate conspiracies and less turnbuckle work. Same amount of pink though.

I just feel sorry for he true believers who are being shut out. I'll just take solace in the fact that they didn't understand that they while they were protesting against invisible tax increases they had received tax cuts, that they didn't understand economics or the bailouts, that they didn't understand health care, they didn't understand the facts surrounding the birth of our current President, and that they didn't understand what the word "teabagging" meant to the rest of the country, so they probably won't fully understand what's going on now. I'll just point out that corporations and leaders can't hijack something they already fully owned, advise them to run any name they might choose for a new splinter group through the urban dictionary, and leave it at that.

Picture of the day

NBC brings you former president George W. Bush and egomaniacal lunatic Jerry Jones in, A Very Special Kind of Evil.


[via]

Guh?

It's no real secret around here that we at These Bastards aren't fond of elected Republicans. Or most Democrats, robots, Cleveland, the TV media, talk radio, pundits, the moon, all people, religion, Fritz Haber, God, and ourselves. That's besides the point. I mean how can one like the GOP when all they do is stuff like freaking out over Obama bowing to a Japanese guy...even though the rest of America doesn't care or trying to convince everyone that the health care bill makes everyone pay a monthly abortion fee? It's real pathetic scumbag shit that's worthy of scorn.

Maybe we need to save a little of that scorn for Republican voters as a whole. Maybe the John Boehner's of the world are just following the deranged whims of their voters, who apparently are all birth certificate conspiracy theorizing, concentration camp photo waving teabaggers. I mean just look at this shit:

The new national poll from Public Policy Polling (D) has an astonishing number about paranoia among the GOP base: Republicans do not think President Obama actually won the 2008 election -- instead, ACORN stole it.
...
The poll asked this question: "Do you think that Barack Obama legitimately won the Presidential election last year, or do you think that ACORN stole it for him?" The overall top-line is legitimately won 62%, ACORN stole it 26%.

Among Republicans, however, only 27% say Obama actually won the race, with 52% -- an outright majority -- saying that ACORN stole it, and 21% are undecided. Among McCain voters, the breakdown is 31%-49%-20%. By comparison, independents weigh in at 72%-18%-10%, and Democrats are 86%-9%-4%.

I don't think even Glenn Beck has been flogging this one or trying to claim it's true.

Wow...just....wow. You know America, I'm done with you today.
//throws hands up and walks away

Republicans, we have found your teabag king

With Sarah Palin roaming the countryside promoting her book in a hellstorm of lies, ignorant policy statements, lies, softball interviews, lies, and petty gamesmanship, we are left with no doubt that she is the charming dainty Queen of the Grand Duchy of Teabaggery. Ahh, but who will rule alongside her in political irrelevance? Many suitors have tried to claim the crown, but few have succeeded, letting the taint of rationality and moderation scuttle their ascension. Thankfully, Doug Hoffman has stepped up to the plate.

Oh, you thought he went away when his carpetbagging maelstrom of teabagging wisdom and local ignorance cause the people of NY-23 to elect the first Democrat there since whites owned blacks? Nope! On the advice of Glenn Beck (bonus points~!), Hoffman has not only unconceded the race he already lost and for which the winner, Bill Owns, has already been sworn in for and is casting votes in the House for, but has unveiled a conspiracy so deep and so nefarious that it will no doubt shake the very core of teabagger society.

“As evidence surfaces, we find out that reported results from election night were far from accurate. ACORN and the unions did their best to try and sway the results to Obamacare supporter Bill Owens," Hoffman wrote on his campaign site. "Rest assured, they will not succeed, and I am therefore revoking my statement of concession.”
...
"The people of NY-23 deserve to have their ballots counted properly, but we can't let ACORN or the unions keep that from happening. They have more lawyers and more experience tampering with democracy," he wrote.

"We need to make sure that fair elections are a reality in NY-23, just like our Founding Fathers envisioned. So long as we remain the "land of the free," we MUST ensure every vote is counted. Help us today so we may be the first of many conservative victories during the Obama Regime."

Dougy, Dougy, Dougy, aren't we forgetting the black hand of...well.....blacks, illegal immigrants and abortion doctors that helped steal this election from your deserving hands? Surely ACORN and labor unions alone couldn't derail this Hoffman juggernaut, could it? No, it was a conspiracy. ACORN has even gotten to Oswego County GOP Chairman George Williams and made him deny the truth. To the beverage aisle of your local supermarket, teabaggers! Your new king is going to need a lot of visible tea bag support and birth certificate analysis. Good luck. Expose this fraud for what it is.

Your look at the blinding stupidity of the Super Bowl of Freedom

Image via Matthew Yglesias. Stay classy, tea baggers!

The horror.....the horror.

Jon Voight invoked Rev. Jeremiah Wright in his speech, saying “the lies and deception are blatant... Maybe it was the 20 years of sub-conscious programming by Rev Wright to damn America."
...
"Palin/Bachmann 2012," came a shout from the crowd
...
Another hero of the movement, Rep. Virginia Foxx (R-N.C.), has been autographing tea bags for the crowd and is wearing a jacket covered in pins and stickers reading “Yes! Freedom!”
...
Many are holding signs that echo their distrust of Obama and their belief that he is pursuing socialist policies.

One sign read: "Obama takes his orders from the Rothchilds," a reference to theories of Jewish world dominance centered around the prominent Jewish family of Rothschilds.

• Eric Cantor: "Be assured not one Republican will vote for this bill," Cantor said, to big cheers and shouts of "Kill the bill."
• Paul Broun: Fellow patriots, go tell your Congressman, you're not going to eat this rotten stinking fish that is -- Pelosi health care! We are going to put a stop sign in front of her steamroller of socialism! Go to it, patriots!
• Virginia Foxx and Pete Hoekstra: Democrats "wanna take your freedoms away," Hoekstra said. Later, Foxx called the bill a "freedom-killer." "This Congress is on a collision course with the principles of freedom and liberty that our Founding Fathers bled and died for," she said.
• John Boehner: "This bill is the greatest threat to freedom that I've seen in the 19 years I've been in Washington."

Can I even add anything to this...the SUPER BOWL OF FREEDOM? Holocaust photos, Jewish banking conspiracies, teabag signings by an idiot who thinks that health reform is a bigger threat than terrorism, Ultraamericanfreedolibertypatriots like Todd Aiken unable to remember the Pledge of Allegiance, people seriously wishing that Michelle Bachmann and Sarah Palin would challenge Obama/Biden in 2012 (I want it to happen too, but for the sake of comedy and schadenfreude), endless cries from actual elected leaders that an attempt to make health care more available and cheaper to people is the greatest threat in the history of freedom, and a litany of fear-mongering over imagined proposals and plans that are nowhere near this weak, third rate health care reform bill that, incidentally, was endorsed by the AARP and AMA.

Gaze into the madness, America. If your hair starts to turn white and insanity overwhelms you, then you stared too long. Good thing the GOP is going to go after their last remaining moderates in a desperate bid to appeal to these people, I was worried for a second that large scale Democratic incompetence was going to have some repercussions in 2010. Now the only alternative to socialism is a lunatic wearing a teabag wreath shouting about Kenyan infiltration. Thanks GOP, you looked at the big slice of crazy pie that Bachmann was eating and asked her to cut you a big slice. You're incapable of learning and I appreciate it.

This man is crazy

Last night in the House former soldier Rep. Patrick Murphy (D- PA) decided to organize a group of floor speeches that supported the repeal of the military's Don't Ask Don't Tell policy. Of course that meant those who opposed it could come up to speak as well and.....we'll say they didn't disappoint. That is if you find bizarre, rambling, incoherent rants about bestiality and Nazi's happening on the floor of the House to be a non-disappointing development.

Let Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-TX...of course) explain. After decrying DADT as perverse social experimentation, he turned his real to what he really feared: all those gay dudes who he knows totally want him and are going make "the butt sex" with him how outraged he is that we're considering laws like the Matthew Shepard Hate Crimes Bill and making hate crimes illegal..

If you’re oriented toward animals, bestiality, then, you know, that’s not something that can be used, held against you or any bias be held against you for that. Which means you’d have to strike any laws against bestiality, if you’re oriented toward corpses, toward children, you know, there are all kinds of perversions, [...] pedophiles or necrophiliacs or what most would say is perverse sexual orientations
...
But people have always been willing to give up their liberties, their freedoms in order to gain economic stability. It happened in 1920 and 1930’s. Germany gave up their liberties to gain economic stability and they got a little guy with a mustache, who was the ultimate hate monger.

That's right, if we take away people's rights to use murder and violence as a form of terrorism to intimidate gays then we're just on a slippery slope towards legalizing bestiality, necrophilia, and pedophilia. Hate crimes are an American right and if we take that right away we're going to become Nazi's. He then meandered into a discussion on how he's not a racist because he voted for Alan Keyes, before walking away, leaving a stunned caucus to contemplate what the fuck it is they just listened to. So...uh yeah. Unless we keep throwing gays out of the military and keep allowing hate crimes, we're going to turn into Nazi Germany where fucking dead underage animals replaces church. Makes sense to me.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 09.17

Democrats now comprise majority of ‘most corrupt in Congress’ list
Ahh, the perks of power. Not only does taking over government let you do things likes dick over citizens in your own specific way, but, as CREW shows, it opens up all kinds of new avenues for money grubbing. Of course the list is headlined by Rep John Murtha, a man who is essentially the entire Johnstown, PA economy. But our old friend Mitch McConnell is on there for awarding contracts to defense contractors convicted of bribing Saudi ambassadors. Sadly only 12 of the 15 are currently under investigation. Maybe next year, they can get all 15.

At Last! First Real Evidence for a Rocky Exoplanet
Well, if we ever finally finish destroying this planet, we can always have a hope of relocating to Corot-7b, the charmingly named first earth-like planet ever discovered outside our galaxy. Of course it's temperatures reach 3,600 degrees Fahrenheit, but that ought to be considerably cooler than we're used to after we really get the hang of this 'pumping C02 into the atmosphere' thing.

The Self-Storage Self
NYT Magazine takes a look at the US self-storage system (motto: "It's not just for storing hobo corpses and hooker cadavers anymore!") and how the fact that there's enough storage space in this country to give each America seven square feet of their own has contributed to our debt and consumption culture. Also our drifter and prostitute murdering culture.

New Jersey Poll: Birthers, Truthers, And The Anti-Christ -- Oh, My!
Sweet, sweet New Jersey. I'm sorry. We forgot that you were chock full of insane people. I'm sorry, it won't happen again. My favorite statistic? That while 18% of NJ conservatives definitively know Obama is the anti-Christ, 17% are only leaning that way and could be swayed by competing evidence disproving Barry is the son of a Kenya-by-way-of-Indonesia Beelzebub.

Director’s Commentary: Brett Ratner’s Music Video Classics
I know, I know. Who wants to read about Brett Ratner talking about music videos he directed. Trust me, it's worth it if only for the story about the Wu-Tang Clan during the filming of the Triumph video. It's a story of a million dollars, clothes looting, white devils, KFC treasures, and the hallucinations and murder demanding voices inside the head of Ghostface Killa. There's also a nice story about Redman calling Ratner's mom a hoe and then forcing the director to cast her as a woman buying drugs in a video.

Good morning, here's some crazy people

I'm not sure what's my favorite, Uncle Sam being menaced by the hawk of perversion and the condor of lust, the "autograph my cross" man, Jezebel kid, or the sheer amount of signs that threaten armed revolution. They need to hold one of these a week.

Broken News: As town halls end America longs for new outlets to vent their angry insanity

THE HEARTLAND—“I just don’t know what to do now. All of this rage and sloganeering still left to yell about at completely inappropriate times. If these town halls are really over, where else am I going to be able to repeat all the stuff I read in chain emails to the people who sent me those emails?”

These are the words and concerns of Gaston Boyle, a tractor salesman from Dubuque. But they are also those of an increasing number of livid, directionless Americans. With health care town halls wrapping up as senators and representatives gleefully return to their "jobs," grateful for no longer having to endure their constituents, many citizens are wondering from where their next opportunity to shout conspiracies at public officials while being restrained by local law enforcement will arise.

“First we had the teabagging thing, which went OK. Then there was the health care fight, and that was a blast. But I don’t see what there is on the horizon to get worked up about,” observed Tony Paymer, a Mississippi diner owner fresh off a 30-day stay in the county jail for dumping 40,000 tea bags and 70,000 Sweet ‘N Low packets into the community pool.

“Maybe the czars thing that Hannity is all uppity about? Sure, it sounds like that disease from a few years back, but I don't know if I have the energy. I guess we could go back to the ‘black President’ thing, but that’s so passé and I hate repeating my ’08 material. Maybe some Kenyan stuff... I just don't know."

For many Americans, therein lies the problem: finding a new outlet for the irrational anger. Some are still clinging to the last gasps of the health care movement, hoping that continued references to death panels or some newly developed murder and/or line-waiting conspiracy will stem the inevitable tide of half-hearted, incremental reform.

Still, others have plowed straight into being afraid of governmental czars, stopping the government from trying to infringe upon coal companies god-given right to pollute, preparing gold coin designs and isolationist slogans for Ron Paul’s 2012 campaign, stopping Congress from making it easier for unions to organize, and going outside to yell at the sun and low flying birds. But these are scattered movements without a cohesive center and none has managed to channel the concentrated fury seen during the health care town halls.

“It just felt so good, going down to the local community center to yell at some overwhelmed representative about why he wanted to garrote everyone’s grandmother,” reminisced Sally Harrow, a homemaker from Valdosta. “You really felt like you were doing something that would get you on TV. Now… I just don’t know what I can do to be part of a YouTube protest video that gets linked on those blog-things.”

For many citizens, this end has given them a chance to direct their bile towards places that are more traditionally accepted by the community at large: either inward at children and loved ones, or at professional American football teams. As luck would have it, the conclusion of these town halls has coincided roughly with the start of both the NFL and amateur beauty pageant seasons.

“Yeah, thank Jesus for those,” said Danny Verges, a machinist from Owensboro. “Luckily I have a two daughters, so I’ll be able to psychotically obsess over their achievements in lieu of the encroaching hand of socialism. Between that this irrational attachment I got not control over, I figure I'll do ok. Maybe I'll even go to one, get a few in me, start a fight with a rival father, traumatize my kid and any bystanders with my curse filled screaming fits after they lose..."

Asked whether he was referring to a beauty pageant or a professional football game, Verges replied, "What's the difference?"

For now, most are content to let their inexplicable anger seethe and grow inside them, confident that when they’re able to coalesce around a new cause, this stifled frustration will fuel the next great leap forward in poorly thought-out criticisms of ideas they only half understand.

Heads up

In case you were wondering what the new crazy conspiracy theory the Hannity's and Beck's of the world would harp on next, well you're in for a treat as they've both started to ramp up on their new outrage: Obama's maddening and assuredly illegal use of Senate confirmed advisers that are called 'czars' that he totally invented as a way to steal precious freedom sauce out of the hearts of bald eagles everywhere and reign his liberal tyranny down on the God fearing people of America, one brutal command at a time.

Fox News personality Sean Hannity was one of the rally’s keynote speakers, and he took the opportunity to gloat about Van Jones’ resignation. He vowed to the audience that he would get rid of “every other one” of Obama’s so-called czars:

HANNITY: Do you want another czar?

CROWD: No!

HANNITY: I don’t think so. By the way, we got rid of one, and my job starting tomorrow night is to get rid of every other one. I promise you that!

Yes, yes, let me soak in the crazy. There is no greater outrage currently going on right now than the use of advisers and liaisons to specifically address and oversee specific issues, like drugs or border security or intelligence co-operation, within various large governmental organizations. Why? Because they're called 'czars' and that's a Russian term! Nazis! Unaccountable evil despots!

God bless your crazy little hearts, talk radio. I just love your ability to take something that has been a practice since Nixon and not only blame Obama for it, but claim that it's a shadow government undermining democracy. Now to most people this would be easily mocked lunacy. But then again, you aren't a Congressional GOP member. See, if you're Jack "The emergency room is all the health care the peasants need" Kingston or Dr. Michelle Bachmann (scientist) this is a cause that needs immediate legislative action. So in case you were wondering what the next inane rash of bullshit that will plague your airwaves at the expense of real information or real issues....here you are. It's czars. Enjoy.

Quote of the day

Michael "Don't mention my real last name is Wiener" Savage, using his talk show to attack British women...because the UK had the nerve to treat him as the crazy, ranting, racist maniac that he is:

"You see their girls, the flower of England, laying in the gutter with their legs spread open drunk at night. That's the England of today"

Well....I see. Just...as...a...curiosity, Priceline is offering flights to London leaving tomorrow at around $1474. While I plan my...."academic research trip", you go listen to the rest of his rant. It's pretty great, Savage compares himself to Churchill and valiantly swears he's fighting a similar fight as Winston was when he was warning the world about Hitler. I don't understand why England wouldn't want him in their country.