Nice to see you back from vacation, Michele

Last night, during the President's insubstantial, maddeningly vague, afraid to take a serious position on energy legislation, wet fart of a speech he did offer up one concrete idea: BP sets aside billions to a third party who can quickly and competently deal with paying out claims to those disaffected people of the Gulf who inexplicably still fucking love offshore drilling.

To most people this sounded like a smart idea. BP isn't a claims handling service, so let some entity that is properly equipped to do so handle that task and let BP get back to what it does best: blocking media access to oil spill areas and not fixing an undersea geyser of oil. But to Minnesota Rep. Michele Bachmann, this is a clear sign of one thing and one thing only: the icy black hand of Stalin.

"The president just called for creating a fund that would be administered by outsiders, which would be more of a redistribution-of-wealth fund," said Bachmann. "And now it appears like we'll be looking at one more gateway for more government control, more money to government.
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"But if I was the head of BP, I would let the signal get out there -- 'We're not going to be chumps, and we're not going to be fleeced.' And they shouldn't be. They shouldn't have to be fleeced and make chumps to have to pay for perpetual unemployment and all the rest.

That's right, a third party entity paying out legitimate claims to the thousands upon thousands of people BP fucked over is just a Trojan horse for teh socialisms and teh government control! Tea baggers unite! And as an added bonus she offers a warning to BP not to let them get pushed around by big bad government and all those assholes who think they're entitled not to starve just because BP took away their means of making a living.

Nicely done Michele, way to look out for the little guy. It's heartening to know that even in the midst of a serious environmental and corporate malfeasance crisis, you've bravely hewed to socialist conspiracy theories and the idea that BP is in danger of being the victim here. Those lazy peasants and their complaints about the oil killing all the shrimp. Don't they know BP has dividends to pay out? Stay classy.

Your morning nuclear holocaust bar lowering

We all know the scenarios in which a nuclear attack might be authorized: some other country's nukes are in the air or about to be in the air, we've been hit with a nuclear or large scale biological attack of our own, to kill some large nuclear irradiated monster created as a result of nuclear testing, to surprise Japan for the third time, and because a highly intelligent supercomputer from the seventies thinks it's playing a strategic war game with it's creator.

Well, did you ever think the nuclear attack bar should be lower? Like really, really lower? Well then, you need to call up Michele Bachmann and have a talk.

"If in fact there is a nation who is compliant with all of the rules ahead of time and they've complied with the United Nations on nuclear proliferation, if they fire against the United States a biological weapon, a chemical weapon or maybe a cyber attack, well then we aren't going to be firing back with nuclear weapons," Bachmann said. "Doesn't that make us all feel safe?"

“No!” shouted the crowd of thousands in Minneapolis.

Or maybe a cyber attack? Did anyone see the movie Hackers and think "Surely this is grounds for an atomic strike"? I mean Fisher Stevens was evil in that movie, but not that evil.

Well at least we know what the Bachmann Doctrine will be for her upcoming candidacy on the Palin ticket: guessing her e-mail password, a "denial of service" attack, references to "hax0rz" or "l33t skillz", or the unwanted posting of porn on a non-porn webpage will be met with the full force of America's nuclear arsenal. As it should be.

Finally!

You know, some men have dreams of greatness. Of going to the moon, climbing Everest, or finding an exceptionally large bag of money. Me? My dreams are about my own personal entertainment. And the bag of money thing. But mostly I just want life to entertain me as I've given up most hope that there is any other joy to be wrung from it.

That's why I have been praying for a Sarah Palin/Michele Bachmann 2012 Presidential ticket. What's more entertaining than two crazy, deluded women, rife with conspiracy theories about socialism, a fundamental lack of understanding about anything, and a propensity for mind shattering gaffes teaming up together to attempt to win the Presidency? Nothing. Well, OK, a lot of things. But you'd have to admit it'd be funny. I'm just glad to see that I'm not the only one thinking ahead for the future of comedy. Charity scam artist and military family bilker Sean Hannity thinks along the same lines.

"Are either one of you considering a run for the presidency in 2012?" Hannity asked the two. "I'm just asking. Gov. Palin, I'll start with you -- but before I get their answers, how many of you would like to see a Palin-Bachmann ticket?"

The live audience from the Minnesota Republican Party rally that day roared in applause and cheering at this idea. "Well that sounds kind of cool," said Palin.

Sarah hems and haws and faiths it up with a little dash of God on the side and Michele hems and haws and forgets that Geraldine Ferraro existed, however neither commits. Of course neither rules it out, so there's still hope.

All I'm saying is that I'll do anything to get this to happen. I'll sacrifice chickens, take some anti-psychotics and watch Hannity's show, pray to the baby and adult Jesus, and even donate money from the bag of money that I'm sure I'll find in the next two years. Just watch any of the videos from their appearance. Palin tries to write Naughty By Nature's comeback hit and Bachmann rants about the economic coup that has transpired. I think we're all in agreement: this needs to happen.

A census taker once tried to test me...

If there is one thing to respect about the tea baggers -- and believe me, saying there's one thing to respect about them might be giving them way too much credit -- it's their steadfast commitment to staying crazy and abiding by their principles of not understanding anything in every field, not just the fields of taxes and health care.

As you may know, it's a census year. Which means the government takes up it's Constitutionally mandated duty to count the number of Americans for means of Congressional seats, electoral votes, and government funding. As with all things tea bagging, there is apparently also some sort of nefarious conspiracy also attached to the census. Michele Bachmann used to be at the forefront of raging against the census conspiracy, feeling that it was just a front for a future Japanese-style internment among other things, before it was explained to her that if Minnesota ended up losing a Congressional seat because of the census... it would be her seat. She seemed to see the error of her ways.

But she didn't seem to sway many of her fellow tea baggers in believing that the 2010 census isn't a conspiracy between Muslim Caliph Obama and the lizard people to punish and eat those who opposed health care. You thought that with all their whinging about health care and its unconstitutional nature, they would have read the part in the Constitution about the census. Nope. And that has many states worried.

Texas is counting on the 2010 Census to deliver four new congressional districts, four new Electoral College votes in presidential elections, and millions of dollars in additional federal aid. But, as some elected officials are starting to worry, Uncle Sam can't deliver anything to the rapidly growing Sun Belt state unless Texas residents deliver their forms back to the government.
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Instead, a new and growing threat to an accurate national head count is coming from anti-government conservatives who may not fill out their forms to protest against “Big Brother” in Washington.
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There is a reason for the enthusiasm gap on the census: A number of prominent conservative and libertarian Republicans have been blasting the census for months.
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“We've got that hard-to-count element, along with these fringe (anti-government) groups that are advocating resistance,” she said. “They think they are hurting the government. They are really hurting themselves and their communities.

It's funny because it's happening to Texas. Aside from the electoral vote and Congressional representation issues, it is estimated that every uncounted American means a loss of about $12,000 in funding for their state over the next decade. But then again, you do get to take a massive sense of unjustified pride knowing hat you really stuck one to the man and that when the black helicopters come for the people that buy Sean Hannity's books, your ingenious move to not fill out the census will have save you a lifetime of toil in comrade Obama's work camps.

For those of us who don't see a conspiracy around every corner and actually take the time to fill out all 10 ultra-complex questions, it'll just mean our state gets more and Texas will have 1-4 less idiots like Louis Gohmert screaming about God knows what on the TV. It's a good thing.

For a less dumb, but still dumb, form of protest, Facebook has offered up the group For Race, Write Human, where you are supposed to write "Human" in the race sot instead of ticking the box marked American Indian, Negro (seriously), Caucasian, or Asian. I tried, but I accidentally ended up writing "WHITE!!!!!!" with six exclamation points.

She word good

Minnesota's shame, Michele Bachmann, is not known for her intelligence. From rallying against filling out the Census until it was explained to her that if Minnesota lost any people in the Census population tabulations that her Congressional district would be the first to go, to her continually retarded (RAHM~!) proclamations regarding health care, to the litany of conspiracy theories she believes in that make Glenn Beck look well adjusted by comparison, Bachmann is a treasure trove of hilarity.

But in all the mockery we and all decent society does of her, we at least assumed she knew how to spell or at least hire people who knew how to spell. We were giving her too much credit.

"Michele Bachmann - Amaricas Congress Woman" reads the search banner for Bachmann's campaign Website"

For those of you playing at home, "America" and "Congresswoman" are the preferred nomenclature.

I'm just surprised. I thought someone that spent so much of her time railing against imaginary abuses of the Constitution and the American people, she would at least be able to spell America. That's a major demerit in the flag eating sectors of the conservative movement. Hell, spelling "America" is the first test they give you to make sure you ain't a Russkie infiltrator.

If you can afford it, please send a spelling book or at least some phonics flash cards to Bachmann's office. If they make one with an eagle crying in front of the twin towers on the cover, that's the one to buy. Please help her out, she is an elected official after all.

Quote of the day

God love Michelle Bachmann. She's easy on the eyes and just a constant font of all kinds of bizarre conspiracies, juvenile legal theories, and homespun lunacy just like crazy mom used to make. What's she up to today? Well she's just trying to explain that she doesn't mean to offend when she claims large sections of this country are giving aid and comfort to some nebulous enemy.

BENNETT: Are you kind of surprised with even the media’s disgust with the procedures?

BACHMANN: Well, I’m amazed that they actually were willing to be shocked. Because for most of the time they have been, and you know, I don’t mean any disrespect, but they’ve been treason media. They haven’t been telling the whole story.

I don't mean any disrespect, I'm just saying you want America to fail and a series of legal procedures ending in your execution should be enacted for you actions. No disrespect intended. And, I don't want to offend you further, but I just think that your mother exchanges sexual services for cash and that your father acts as some sort of broker for these transactions. I don't mean anything bad by that, I'm just stating that charges of pimping and prostitution should be brought up in court... on your parents. I also think you molest children, but don't get all bent out of shape about me saying that.

Well done, Michelle. It's that extra sugary coating of fluffy bunnies and sunshine that our reckless accusations of treason have been missing in the past. If only Joseph McCarthy had baked sugar cookies that said "I think you're a commie" and handed them out with a smiling kitten card, we might not have such negative connotations associated with McCarthyism. Keep up the good work.

Unlaw

According to the scuttlebutt, health care may pass this week. For those of you paying attention at home this marks around the 52nd consecutive time someone said that health care would pass this week. But this time they totally mean it with an extra heaping of 'for realsies' and a sprinkling of 'totally gonna happen'.

But as we face the new dawn of the imminent jackbooted socialist overthrow of our health care system, there are some political scholars and Constitutional experts that thing just because the Senate and House pass legislation and it goes to the President's desk and he signs it, that makes a bill a law. Nope. That fully ignores the right of Americans to plug their fingers in their ears, declare opposite day, and declare in "non-law". Here, let Dr. Michelle Bachmann explain.

"But mark my words, the American people aren't gonna take this lying down," Bachmann later said. "We aren't gonna play their game, we're not gonna pay their taxes. They want us to pay for this? Because we don't have to. We don't have to. We don't have to follow a bill that isn't law. That's not the American way, and that's not what we're going to do."

Bachmann continued. "Because it's one-party rule now in Washington, D.C. Their Chicago tactics, their Chicago friends, twisting Democrats' arms, threatening their own team members with ethics charges and a submission. This handful of people thinks (sic) they can enforce their will on 300 million Americans? They're not gonna do that. This is dictatorial, what they are doing. We are not compelled to follow a non-law just because Obama and Pelosi tells us we have to.

That's right, she has uniformly decreed that measure passed by reconciliation are "non-law" and that Americans thusly can opt out of taxes and all notions of legality because of it. Furthermore, the concept of majority rule is dictatorial.

I would have preferred she use the phrase "unlaw" and refer to Barry and Nancy as the "Un president and Unspeaker of Unamerica", but one can't have all his crazy cake and eat it too.

I just hope Bachmann's fellow like-minded individuals and supporters take her suggestion at face value. Just because I want to see the looks on their faces when the IRS nails them for tax evasion or the feds hit them for breaking whatever law they consider "not-law" now, and them trying to explain "But, but, but, Michelle Bachmann said...". Who knew there was a legal socialism based opt-out to the US legal system buried in the Constitution? Michelle Bachmann knew, that's who.

Get a job: destroying the country edition

Sure, no one has a job and the Senate's decision to push off health care to put a laser like focus on jobs hasn't resulted in jobs, jobs bills passing, or, at the very least, a cool laser display possibly set to Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon. But thankfully the census is upon us.

I know what you're saying: "Isn't the census a tool to increase slavery, just like Glenn Beck claims or just a pretext to internment and re-education camps like Michelle Bachmann says?" Yes, yes it is. Especially the slavery thing. But it is also a roaring jobs creator that will mask the ongoing economic horrors for a little while.

The U.S. Census Bureau expects to add up to 750,000 workers to its payroll by May, a hiring binge that could knock the unemployment rate down by as much as a half-point.

The once-a-decade census is coming at the best possible time for President Barack Obama and congressional Democrats, who have taken political lumps for more than a year over a jobless rate that stands at 9.7 percent.
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“This is the best-timed census you could ever dream of,” said Heidi Shierholz, who tracks the labor market at the left-leaning Economic Policy Institute. She believes the March unemployment report will show the economy added jobs instead of subtracting them.

Whoo-hoo! A once a decade temporary jobs to mask our anemic job creation! Temporary jobs for everyone! Everything is fixed. Cancel those jobs bills, they weren't going to pass anyway.

Now of course you're all worried about the slavery thing and the re-education camp thing, not to mention the whole "ACORN" angle, how it's all a front to steal your property, indoctrinate your children, prep for a UN invasion, target undesirables for predator drone attacks, a White House power grab, and an illegal immigrant takeover. But to this I say: wouldn't you rather be on the inside, perpetrating these simultaneous coups, attacks, and invasions from disparate groups, then be subject to them? I know I would.

So if you need a job and perhaps want to facilitate Ban Ki-Moon's takeover of the contiguous United States, then may I suggest taking a job with the US Census. It's really the only job that's going to be created in the next year. Happy interring and predator drone bombing!

Video of the day

You may have heard about the proposed NBC Universal/Comcast merger that would make them one of the largest entertainment/content/cable/internet companies in the world and further shrink the number of people in this country who control what we watch and how we access information.

Amidst the House and Senate committees tasked with judging whether or not this merger is legal and should be allowed, there were many statements from our elected betters about how media monopolies are great and boy isn't in wonderful when competition is strangled and we have fewer and fewer sources with which to get an unbiased look at things. However there was one Senator who decided that maybe it isn't such a good idea to rubber stamp this merger and that maybe large media conglomerates are a bad idea. That man? Al Franken.



I know it's confusing to see, but that's an actual sitting US Senator standing up for what he believes is the common good, questioning the intelligence of media consolidation, and not trusting what he is told by the CEO's who are pushing for the merger. Baffling.

So another in a long line of thanks to Al Franken for, yet again, being an elected official that is doing something commendable that he doesn't seem to gain any personal benefit from. He even went after the White House this week for their poor leadership on health care reform. And thank you Minnesota for electing... oh Christ, Michelle Bachmann is out talking about health care opponents being put on secret lists and denied care. You know what, Minnesota? We'll call this a wash.

You gotta pay to teabag

My fellow teabaggers, I have news on the groups of people who have attempted to steal our moniker in the service of politics; the tea party teabaggers. I know we were all pissed off that they took our testicle related thing and named their movement after it, but we have to put that behind us. They're in trouble and they're not sure what to do.

In the latest sign of rancor in Tea Party circles, a convention billed as an effort to bring together conservative activists from across the country is being attacked by some leading Tea Partiers as inauthentic, too tied to the GOP, and -- at $549 per head -- too expensive for the working Americans the movement aspires to represent.
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Tea Party Patriots, which helped put together a September rally that drew tens of thousands to Washington, view the confab -- which is being held at Nashville's swank Opryland Gaylord hotel -- as the "usurpation of a grassroots movement," according to Mark Meckler, a leader of the group. "Most people in our movement can't afford anything like that," Meckler told TPMmuckraker, referring to the price tag. "So it's really not aimed at the average grassroots person."
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"The Tea Party Movement is about to be hijacked," wrote one activist in an online comment recently.

Consternations! When did the tea party movement stop being about not understanding what the hell they were protesting, misspelled placards, and inarticulate insanity. Who could have ever foreseen that a movement that had already been hijacked by corporations in order to promote corporate goals, would further be hijacked in order to suck the last remaining dimes out of the true believers?

But why the exorbitant price to wave teabags around? Well, when you have to pay the giants of reactionary, ill-informed stupidity, Michelle Bachmann and Sarah Palin, upwards of $100,000 a piece to come speak, the value of such an endeavor has to be passed on to the peasants. But it's worth it. They're getting the premiere clueless conservative harpy tag team of the age. This is like getting to see the Hart Foundation in their prime taking apart some helpless jobbers on a Saturday morning. Only with more teabags and birth certificate conspiracies and less turnbuckle work. Same amount of pink though.

I just feel sorry for he true believers who are being shut out. I'll just take solace in the fact that they didn't understand that they while they were protesting against invisible tax increases they had received tax cuts, that they didn't understand economics or the bailouts, that they didn't understand health care, they didn't understand the facts surrounding the birth of our current President, and that they didn't understand what the word "teabagging" meant to the rest of the country, so they probably won't fully understand what's going on now. I'll just point out that corporations and leaders can't hijack something they already fully owned, advise them to run any name they might choose for a new splinter group through the urban dictionary, and leave it at that.

Your look at the blinding stupidity of the Super Bowl of Freedom

Image via Matthew Yglesias. Stay classy, tea baggers!

The horror.....the horror.

Jon Voight invoked Rev. Jeremiah Wright in his speech, saying “the lies and deception are blatant... Maybe it was the 20 years of sub-conscious programming by Rev Wright to damn America."
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"Palin/Bachmann 2012," came a shout from the crowd
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Another hero of the movement, Rep. Virginia Foxx (R-N.C.), has been autographing tea bags for the crowd and is wearing a jacket covered in pins and stickers reading “Yes! Freedom!”
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Many are holding signs that echo their distrust of Obama and their belief that he is pursuing socialist policies.

One sign read: "Obama takes his orders from the Rothchilds," a reference to theories of Jewish world dominance centered around the prominent Jewish family of Rothschilds.

• Eric Cantor: "Be assured not one Republican will vote for this bill," Cantor said, to big cheers and shouts of "Kill the bill."
• Paul Broun: Fellow patriots, go tell your Congressman, you're not going to eat this rotten stinking fish that is -- Pelosi health care! We are going to put a stop sign in front of her steamroller of socialism! Go to it, patriots!
• Virginia Foxx and Pete Hoekstra: Democrats "wanna take your freedoms away," Hoekstra said. Later, Foxx called the bill a "freedom-killer." "This Congress is on a collision course with the principles of freedom and liberty that our Founding Fathers bled and died for," she said.
• John Boehner: "This bill is the greatest threat to freedom that I've seen in the 19 years I've been in Washington."

Can I even add anything to this...the SUPER BOWL OF FREEDOM? Holocaust photos, Jewish banking conspiracies, teabag signings by an idiot who thinks that health reform is a bigger threat than terrorism, Ultraamericanfreedolibertypatriots like Todd Aiken unable to remember the Pledge of Allegiance, people seriously wishing that Michelle Bachmann and Sarah Palin would challenge Obama/Biden in 2012 (I want it to happen too, but for the sake of comedy and schadenfreude), endless cries from actual elected leaders that an attempt to make health care more available and cheaper to people is the greatest threat in the history of freedom, and a litany of fear-mongering over imagined proposals and plans that are nowhere near this weak, third rate health care reform bill that, incidentally, was endorsed by the AARP and AMA.

Gaze into the madness, America. If your hair starts to turn white and insanity overwhelms you, then you stared too long. Good thing the GOP is going to go after their last remaining moderates in a desperate bid to appeal to these people, I was worried for a second that large scale Democratic incompetence was going to have some repercussions in 2010. Now the only alternative to socialism is a lunatic wearing a teabag wreath shouting about Kenyan infiltration. Thanks GOP, you looked at the big slice of crazy pie that Bachmann was eating and asked her to cut you a big slice. You're incapable of learning and I appreciate it.

Quote of the Day

Paint huffing world champion Michelle Bachmann has upped the ante on her eternal struggle against the socialists, organizing a gathering of tea baggers so massive it will make MLK's civil rights marches looks like last week's meeting of the Detroit Lions fan club. Listen to her promote it:

Rep. Michele Bachmann took to Fox this morning to promote her tea party rally this week, calling it the "Super Bowl of freedom."
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"The only way they're going to listen is if real freedom-loving Americans come here to Washington noon on Thursday, look at the whites of the eyes of their members of Congress and say, 'Don't you remember, I told you don't take away my health care,'" she said

Ok, these are almost assuredly people that don't have health care or have bad health care going to protest attempts to make their situation better after they protested...Obama keeping their taxes the same or cutting their taxes. We'll....we'll just let that one slide.

No, what I'm outraged about is calling this thing the "Super Bowl of Freedom." Oh no you don't, Minnesota's shame, the Super Bowl is the Super Bowl of Freedom! Can you name me any other event that so universally encapsulates the United States of Freemerica's values of capitalism, consumerism, sports, violence, commercialism, violence, sitting motionless in front of the TV, and capitalism more than the Super Bowl? If there is one, it sure as shit isn't teabag clad birth certificate experts enraged over the fact they might be able to finally afford health care.

Apologize to the NFL, Michelle, you made Brett Favre cry.

Cheap health care scaremongering of the day

Minnesota's shame, Michelle Bachmann, decided to repeat some stuff she hallucinated this morning after she started up her car, forgot to open the garage door, and sat in the driver's seat for a good 45 minutes or so:

"The bill goes on to say what's going to go on -- comprehensive primary health services, physicals, treatment of minor acute medical conditions, referrals to follow-up for specialty care -- is that abortion? Does that mean that someone's 13 year-old daughter could walk into a sex clinic, have a pregnancy test done, be taken away to the local Planned Parenthood abortion clinic, have their abortion, be back and go home on the school bus that night? Mom and dad are never the wiser."

Well yeah, if me and Roman Polanski have our way that will be the law. But unfortunately those assholes in Washington haven't written anything like that into any health care bill. It's a complete fabrication. In fact Pulitzer Prize winning non-partisan fact check site Politifact broke out it's rarely used "Pants on Fire" Lie-o-Meter graphic.

Really Minnesota, how much longer are you going to make us put up with her? Her repeated re-elections are beginning to look like an aggressive act of hostility towards the other 49 states.

Things that will completely help the state of poltical debate in this country

Moammar Gaddafi Rants at U.N. General Assembly

Amid his rant, Gaddafi praised President Obama, who spoke just before him. He began his speech by congratulating Obama on his election. Later he referred to him as "our son" and suggested he remain in power for life.

Oh yeah, I can hear Glenn Beck's boner forming. An African Muslim dictator praising Obama as a son and wanting him to stay in power forever? Catnip. And that's before Gaddafi declared the UN was founded by terrorists, that the swine flu was a military/pharmaceutical conspiracy ("What's next? Fish flu?" he asked rhetorically), called for new investigations into the assassinations of MLK and JFK, demanded Europe repay Africa for their colonial pillaging, and that whole thing where his country honored and welcomed a guy who blew up Pan Am 103. I can already smell the intelligent debate wafting up from talk radio.

Feds probe US Census worker hanging in Kentucky

The 51-year-old Sparkman was found this month hanged from a tree near a Kentucky cemetery with the word "fed" scrawled on his chest, a law enforcement official said Wednesday, and the FBI is investigating whether he was a victim of anti-government sentiment.

Wow. I'm sure this had nothing to do with right wing media sources drumming up fear of the census as everything from a tool for ACORN to get information on you, government databases being used to target conservatives, that it was an unconstitutional violation of rights, part of a government conspiracy to steal from productive people to give it to the poor and minorities, and as a way to catalog how many guns you have so the government can better steal them. You think Michelle Bachmann is going to regret all that time she spent demonizing the census as the tool of the devil? Of course not.

EDIT: Also....this. Don't they know not to start the indoctrination songs and chants until after socialism has fully taken hold?

Heads up

In case you were wondering what the new crazy conspiracy theory the Hannity's and Beck's of the world would harp on next, well you're in for a treat as they've both started to ramp up on their new outrage: Obama's maddening and assuredly illegal use of Senate confirmed advisers that are called 'czars' that he totally invented as a way to steal precious freedom sauce out of the hearts of bald eagles everywhere and reign his liberal tyranny down on the God fearing people of America, one brutal command at a time.

Fox News personality Sean Hannity was one of the rally’s keynote speakers, and he took the opportunity to gloat about Van Jones’ resignation. He vowed to the audience that he would get rid of “every other one” of Obama’s so-called czars:

HANNITY: Do you want another czar?

CROWD: No!

HANNITY: I don’t think so. By the way, we got rid of one, and my job starting tomorrow night is to get rid of every other one. I promise you that!

Yes, yes, let me soak in the crazy. There is no greater outrage currently going on right now than the use of advisers and liaisons to specifically address and oversee specific issues, like drugs or border security or intelligence co-operation, within various large governmental organizations. Why? Because they're called 'czars' and that's a Russian term! Nazis! Unaccountable evil despots!

God bless your crazy little hearts, talk radio. I just love your ability to take something that has been a practice since Nixon and not only blame Obama for it, but claim that it's a shadow government undermining democracy. Now to most people this would be easily mocked lunacy. But then again, you aren't a Congressional GOP member. See, if you're Jack "The emergency room is all the health care the peasants need" Kingston or Dr. Michelle Bachmann (scientist) this is a cause that needs immediate legislative action. So in case you were wondering what the next inane rash of bullshit that will plague your airwaves at the expense of real information or real issues....here you are. It's czars. Enjoy.

Quote of the day

Minnesota's shame, Michelle Bachmann, on how pointing out her ludicrous statements and the cheap, redneck theatre that is Sarah Palin while laughing to the point of pants urination is an evil attempt to deny America it's first women President:

BACHMANN: Also with women politicians, they want to make sure no women, no woman becomes president before a Democrat woman, and so they’re doing everything they can to, I think, sabotage women like Sarah Palin, perhaps women like myself, or similarly situated women, to make sure that we don’t have a prominent national voice.

I think you're giving dirty liberals too much credit. Democrats can't even organize eonught to pass something they want.

But still, dare I hope against hope and get excited about the possibility of a Cheney, Giuliani, Bachmann, and Palin 2012 Republican primary.....or *glee* some sort of Palin/Bachmann ticket? Oh, I'm getting light headed here. We wouldn't even have to run this blog, we could just post transcripts from press conferences and speeches. Alright Matthew, breathe, calm down, this is only a possibility, it might not happen. You haven't been that good and God wouldn't reward you with something as awesome as BACHMANN FOR PRESIDENT '12.

"If I felt that's what the Lord was calling me to do, I would do it," she answered. "When I have sensed that the Lord is calling me to do something, I've said yes to it. But I will not seek a higher office if God is not calling me to do it. That's really my standard.

"If I am called to serve in that realm I would serve," she concluded, "but if I am not called, I wouldn't do it."

Uh, Jehovah? Get off your fucking goldbricking ass and ask already.

Like the pot calling the kettle batshit insane

Time to play one of our favorite games: Count the Crazy. Our returning contestant and undisputed heavyweight champion of lunacy is the House Representative from Minnesota's 6th district, Michele Bachmann.

Speaking to free market propagandists think tank, The Independence Institute, Bachmann said of health care reform:

“This cannot pass. What we have to do today is make a covenant, to slit our wrists, be blood brothers on this thing. This will not pass. We will do whatever it takes to make sure this doesn’t pass.”

Now, we all knew she was a loon. But an Emo loon? Trouble is, should she wish to make a public demonstration of this oath, she would enjoy the fully subsidized, comprehensive healthcare given to all members of Congress. Michele, you are like an onion. With mercury poisoning. So many layers. But wait, there's more!

“Something is way crazy out there,” Bachmann said in her remarks, billed as a “personal legislative briefing”...

She has become self-aware! Oh, and the clincher:

“This is slavery,” Bachmann said after claiming many Americans pay half their income to taxes. “It’s nothing more than slavery.”

What a gifted orator, saving the best for last. Only a Grade-A ingrate would wildly exaggerate the tax rate and then liken it to forced labor where human beings are considered property. This, ladies and gentlemen, is why Michele Bachmann remains the champ.

Stay classy, Sarah

Alaskan quit machine Sarah Palin, doing her best to spread the new lie of choice for health care opponents:

The America I know and love is not one in which my parents or my baby with Down Syndrome will have to stand in front of Obama's "death panel" so his bureaucrats can decide, based on a subjective judgment of their "level of productivity in society," whether they are worthy of health care. Such a system is downright evil.

Ah yes, Obama's Death Panel. A quasi-secret mechanism by which a public insurance option triggers a masked panel of black robed inquisitors who decide whether Down's syndrome children, people who believe in God, and the elderly are either cast into the Pit of Carkoon or ground into a paste and combined with a sort of root marm to provide a new form of sustenance for those of us still suffering under the yoke of......Government health care. If Palin, Michelle Bachmann, and Newt Gingrich say it's so then I guess it's a new incontrovertible fact of human existence.

I don't know Sarah, what would you say about the level of evil in a system that essentially bankrupts anyone who gets sick, leaves tens of millions uncovered, and leaves 20,000 people a year to die because they can't get health care they need? Oh right, keep it as is. What would you say about the level of evil in someone who would viciously concoct a lie about a "death panel" killing the retarded and elderly when confronted with a public insurance option that is overwhelmingly popular with the public? I think it would be something like "Elect me President in 2012." Screeching that Obama is about to murder your baby and then adding in that White House Jews are behind it, I have to say this is exactly what I'd thought you'd be "adding" to the "conversation" when you said you were quitting.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 07.22

Palin’s Resignation: The Edited Version
Vanity Fair went to the trouble of correcting and editing Sarah Palin's "winner's quit" speech, attempting to make her confused verbiage and half-witted analogies seem coherent and like they were written by someone with a middle school education. Why yes, this is the exact definition of "turd polishing", thanks for asking.

HuffPost's Real Misery Index: Recalculating The Hard Times
Just when you thought there was a corner of the earth where you could hide from economic reality and maybe cry a little inside, the Huffington Post finds another way to make you feel worse about our horrific financial apocalypse: a new misery index. Apparently it says things are shitty. Thanks Ariana, I was almost to hide from reality there for a second.

Liz Cheney Defends Birthers On Larry King (VIDEO)
Wait, so you're telling me that there's a Cheney out there who wants people to believe in a lie and acts in a completely unprincipled manner in an attempt to get people to believe it? Someone get this family in contact with the Human Genome Project so we can find the genetic marker for dishonest amoral soullessness.

Bachmann, Kline oppose public option because it’s ‘cheaper’
This is a new one. Instead of opposing a public health care plan on the grounds that it's socialism or the new vestiges of Obamussolini's fascist revolution (though they do also believe those two things) Michelle Bachmann and a man who thought it was smart to hitch his intellectual wagon to Michelle Bachmann are decrying the public plan because it will...make insurance cheaper by 30%-40% and cover everyone. Uh, thanks for making the argument for us?

Oakland Voters Pass Landmark Pot Tax To Boost City Coffers
*Sniff* this is a big moment for you pot smokers. No longer are you a laughed at subculture, a waste of our police and the feds law enforcement time, or the dancing spinning people at Phish concerts that people wish would stop bumping into them. No, you're now just like everyone else: a subset the government has recognized it can sodomize for tax money. It's a big day. Welcome to the party, Cigarettes are over by the punch bowl and Alcohol is fiddling with the music, go mingle. This must be what it felt like for black people when Obama got elected.

So much crazy

Aardvark aficionado Glen Beck and Michelle Bachmann discuss the encroaching liberal horror and tyranny of the census, and whether Obama's Stasi will just imprison the brave souls who refuse to fill out the forms because they believed in something Bachmann said, or whether they'll all just be rounded up into interment camps after their neighbors are ordered to spy on them for the Census overlords.

One silver lining to the latest example of Michelle Bachmann's stunning paranoid stupidity: if she convinces as little as a few thousand Minnesotans to not fill out census forms Minnesota would lose a Census verified/population determined House seat, of which hers is the most likely to be eliminated. So keep on keepin' on Michelle. Self negate. Plus if you do end up eliminating your own seat I want to hear the new crazy conspiracy theories about how the Illuminati or whoever removed you from office to silence you.