Larry Flynt: Patriot

There are many celebrities stepping forward with varied plans to help combat the Gulf oil spill. We all know about Kevin Costner's plan and that James Cameron offered up his help, but we've heard very little from the pron/smut community. Until now.

Enter Larry Flynt, patriot and pornographer, who has his own solution: he wants one of Louisiana's Senators to employ the perversion that he used to engage in with hookers to help clean up the Gulf. Let us hear him out.

Dear Senator Vitter:

Forgive me for intruding on your valuable time. I know you are a very busy man, especially in regards to the current problems in the Gulf of Mexico. But that's exactly what I want to talk to you about. I concur that everybody must do their part to solve this serious catastrophe. And that's where I think you, in particular, can be of so much help.

As I understand it, you have some expertise regarding diapers. I have no idea how many diapers you actually have on hand (quite a collection from what I hear) but as you know, diapers are quite absorbent. So, when it comes to blocking the oil that's gushing into the Gulf, they might be a very effective way of solving that problem. With that in mind, I urge you to donate your extensive diaper collection to BP so they can use them to stop the leak by creating, for want of a better term, a giant "plug."

It could be a historic moment: An ecological disaster thwarted. And you'll get the credit for it. In fact, when people hear the word "diaper" they will automatically think of you. Hell, they already do.
Please don't piss away this golden opportunity.

Sincerely,

Larry Flynt
Publisher
Hustler

Flynt continues “Senator Vitter has gone on record claiming that the oil spill in the Gulf is ‘too big of an endeavor’ for one company. Accordingly, in an effort to protect the coastlines and marshes on the Gulf Coast, I am asking Senator Vitter to use the personal articles that he’s best known for to aid in the relief. His experience in the discipline of ‘spills’ is unprecedented.”

We would like to commend Flynt for this suggestion and the initial work he engaged in to expose Vitter and the DC prostitution ring. We hope Senator Vitter takes Larry up on the offer. It's not like reminding people of your shady sexual past and your hypocrisy would actually cause you to slip below 50% in the polls LOUISIANA WHAT THE FUCK? At the very least you could towel down a few pelicans. Think about it.

Our Betters: The Vice-President offers to help raise some money for a good cause

INT. RAHM EMANUEL’S OFFICE

Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel: So, yeah, I’m going to need you to move those last two meetings around.

White House Personal Secretary Katie Johnson: Will do, Mr. Emanuel.


Emanuel: Then I’m going to need you to set up a meeting with Majority Leader Reid and House Financial Services Committee Chairman Barney Frank. We have some Financial Reform conference committee strategies to go over.


Johnson: I’ll schedule it for tomorrow sir.


Emanuel: Just one more thing…


Johnson: …OK


Emanuel: This time you have blocked out on my schedule..


Johnson: …Erm


Emanuel: It seems to go from now to either 15 minutes from now or seven hours from now, and has a bunch of question marks all over it. Plus there’s this cartoon drawing of what looks like a demented devil in a straight jacket, drinking out of one of those cartoon moonshine jugs with the three x’s on the side…


Johnson: You see, the thing about that is…


(dives out the window into the bushes)


Emanuel: Oh God, you didn’t. You rotten bitch! You didn’t!


(off-key singing of "I Wanna be an Airborne Ranger", drawing closer)


Emanuel: Shit.


(door flies open)

Vice-President Joe Biden: Rahmmy! I'd walk a million miles… For one of your smiles, My Rahmmy! Rahmmy-- Rahmmy, I'm comin'!


Emanuel: *sighs* Sir, that’s a little offensive.


Biden: Kid, I knew Al Jolson. Hell of a man. Literally taught me that song. Except I changed out Mammy for your name! You see what I did there.


(aggressively motions towards Emanuel, ice and bourbon spilling out of his glass)


Emanuel: …Yes. Surely you didn’t come here to sing an old, racist Al Jolson song to me.


Biden: Naw..... not entirely. Sorry I'm late. Was visiting the US World Cup team with Bubba and Barry, pretending to give a shit about soccer. It's a pastime of mine. Bill kept going on an on about their shoes, God love him. I finally just had to leave him.... I think he was going to try to fuck one of the players. Barry was trying to pry him off of Landon Donovan... Anyway, I have big things to discuss, Rahm. Big things. Hey, was that Flo that I saw diving out of the window into the bushes?


Emanuel: Yes…


Biden: Hell of a girl. God love her. Gotta remind myself to thank her for penciling me in here. It took a few weeks but I finally wore her down. I remember her crying with joy as she yelled to me that she was putting me on your schedule.


Emanuel: That poor woman. So what’s this ‘big news’ you’re here for?


Biden: Ah yes. It’s come to my attention that my reputation for using salty language in the vicinity of microphones during important ceremonies and in front of children when cameras are rolling has been of some considerable financial boon to this White House. Ducats. I’m talking piles of money, Rahm.


Emanuel: I assume you’re referring to those health care “Big Fucking Deal” shirts we’re selling?


Biden: The very same. Gotta ask, what’s that money being used for anyway?


Emanuel: Mostly for Organizing For America… and other… special projects…


Biden: Like what?


Emanuel: *coughs*cybortions*coughs*


Biden: Barry’s robot abortionist project? Outstanding.


(Emanuel taps nose, nods)


Biden: Anywho, I figure that makes me the official White House sloganeer. I figure I’ll spitball some new catchphrases and we can whip up some t-shirts and really start pulling in the coin. You know, let me apply myself creatively and help out some good causes. Hell, I’ve even been shootin’ some phrases at Flo over the past few weeks to see if they catch on and play with the kids.


(looks around)


Biden: Flo? FLO!


Johnson: (weakly, from the azalea bushes) Yes, Mr. Vice-President.


Biden: Have any of my phrases caught on with you kids? I’ve been workin’ ‘em into all my speeches and forcing my grandkids to use ‘em in public.


Johnson: I don’t know… could someone call a gardener?


Biden: What about ‘bean shooter’? Anyone using that? “Wise guy’? “Clambake’? “Schnook’? “Bee’s knees’? ‘Sawbuck’? ‘The gibbet’? “Tinker’s cuss’? “Queer as a three dollar bill’?


Johnson: Not that I can recall.


Biden: Aw hell, those kind of phrases were the cat’s pajamas when I was growin’ up in Scranton. I can’t believe these aren’t catching on. I just thank God my beloved mother has been struck stone cold dead, so she couldn’t see me fail like this. God love her and the timeliness of her death.


Emanuel: Look, if this is it… I have some meetings with the National Association of Teachers, and--


Biden: Teachers? I have a “meeting” “scheduled” with a teacher later on, if you know what I mean.

(leers suggestively at Rahm)

Biden: Sex. With my wife. Who is a teacher. Been sleeping with her for years. She’s also a doctor. Been sleepin’ with a doctor for years. Sexually. Name’s Jill. Got three jobs. Teacher. Doctor. Keepin’ Papa happy in the sack.


Emanuel: You really need to stop saying that in public.


Biden: Me and sleepin’ with a teacher… goes together like tits and grits.


Emanuel: Actually, I’ll stop you. “Tits and grits”. I like that. I might put it in my swear rotation. Might only cause the President to dock me a buck for saying it. You come up with that?


Biden: Hell, I’d like to claim ownership, but that phrase dates all the way back to General Stonewall Jackson. On his tombstone. “Tits and grits, the South will rise again. General Stonewall Jackson 1931-1976.”


Emanuel: He could not have possibly said that, had it carved onto his tombstone, and those clearly aren’t the dates of his birth and death. What are you talking about?


Biden: Stonewall Jackson. Fullback. 1966 Baltimore Colts.


Emanuel: I don’t think that man existed.

Biden: Who the hell am I thinking of?


Emanuel: I wouldn’t even venture a guess. Your mind is a tortured thicket of madness.


Biden: Outstanding. Look, since you like the phrase so much, we can literally start printing up these t-shirts and start literally printing up money. Hundreds of thousands of dollars.


Emanuel: I don’t think that’s such a good--


Biden: We’ll give the money to breast cancer research and the society of coarsely-ground corn manufacturers.


Emanuel: No, this is an awful…


Biden: I’ll get Barry, tell him the good news. We're doin' good work here, people! Flo!


Johnson: (from the azaleas) Help!


Biden: You call up and get me a estimate on printing costs. Rahm?


Emanuel: *sighing* Yeah…

Biden: Let’s do this thing. For charity.

In which we offer PR help to the Catholic Church

Pope Prada I meets Cardinal Pedobear

The Catholic Church is in a bit of hot water as of late, what with the whole 'raping kids and not doing anything about it' scandal. From revelations that the church refused to do anything to a man who molested 200 deaf kids, to revelations that the Pope himself resisted action against pedophile priests citing "the good of the universal church", accusations that you've "killed the church", inaction in other child rape cases, to threats of legal prosecution against the church, stripping of papal immunity in the UK, to the imminent buddy cop team-up and arrest of the Pope by rogue cops Christopher Hitchens and Richard Dawkins, it seems the Pope is in for a rough couple of months... followed by a rough eternity in one of nine circles.

So seeing as he's in a spot of trouble, we figured that The TB Public Relations Conglomerate are the obvious ones to give him advice on how to proceed and provide critiques of their recent media strategies and statements. First, my credentials: I was born on Good Friday and thus am probably the resurrected Messiah, I have been to or seen a church within the last decade, and can remember several instances and interactions with priests where I wasn't raped. Satisfied?

Onward with a critical review of current Vatican media strategies. Remember, this is for you own benefit, Benedict.

Bill Donohue, President of the Catholic League.

"The Times continues to editorialize about the "pedophilia crisis,: when all along it's been a homosexual crisis."... “It’s not a pedophilia” because “most of the victims were post pubescent,” as old as 12 or 13 years of age. Anything older than that is the fault of gays."

Nicely deflected. Not only is it an overarching gay conspiracy, but it isn't pedophilia, because the priests were merely raping 12 and 13 year olds. It's practically not a crime then. Still, some might not be swayed by the logic of that argument, so you might want to emphasize how raping kids once they hit their teens is practically a commandment. Plus, you referred to the New York Times as "The Times" and not "The Jew York Times". It seems like you were attempting a full triple twisting back crazy and pulled out and only singled it. We're going to have to deduct points for mild sanity in between blaming gays, parents, and everyone but the priests or the church for it. Practice the full crazy and get back out on that horse.

Grosseto Bishop Giacomo Babini

A website quoted Giacomo Babini, the emeritus bishop of Grosseto, as saying he believed a "Zionist attack" was behind the criticism, considering how "powerful and refined" the criticism is. ... Allegedly speaking to the Catholic website Pontifex, Babini, 81, was quoted as saying: "They do not want the church, they are its natural enemies. Deep down, historically speaking, the Jews are God killers."

Nicely played. The controversy so much isn't child rape, church negligence, and cover-ups, no. The controversy is how the Jewish run media is coordinating coverage of these legitimate claims of abuse and accusations of church inaction/malfeasance. This is the kind of advanced blame shifting and Jew baiting that one can only learn from a lifetime in the Church. Take notes, Mr. Donohue. Do be careful about trying to ascribe conspiracies, Jewish or otherwise, to this scandal. It has the danger of making people thing of other conspiracies. Like a conspiracy to cover up sexual abuse of children over a period of decades by a central religious authority.

Cardinal Angelo Sodano, during an Easter Mass at the Vatican.

Sodano's praise for Benedict as well as the church's 400,000 priests worldwide cranked up a vigorous campaign by the Holy See to counter what it calls a "vile" smear operation orchestrated by anti-Vatican media aimed at weakening the papacy and its moral authority. ... "Holy Father, on your side are the people of God, who do not allow themselves to be influenced by the petty gossip of the moment, by the trials which sometimes buffet the community of believers," Sodano said.

Again, nicely played by a high church muckity muck. Glibly reducing credible accusations and investigations, teary confessions, and tacit admission from the church that these accusations are true and that they saw no need to punish guilty priests further as "vile smears" and "petty gossip" is always the right track when discussing facts. Though I would not that your choice of venue, the Easter Mass at the Vatican, does smack a little of "preaching to the converted". It might be the textbook definition. Try to get a few feet outside of the Vatican next time. Also, embracing the Pope immediately afterward might not have been the best idea. If charges are brought that incident could make you an accessory to a crime.

Writer Matt Taibbi

The Catholic Church is a Criminal Enterprise.

This may be true but it is not helpful to the cause to point this out.

Vienna's Cardinal Christoph Schoenborn

Vienna's Cardinal Christoph Schoenborn, speaking of Benedict's long years as head of a Vatican office that investigates abuse, said the future pope "had a very clear line of not covering up but clearing up." ... "I admit that I often feel a sense of injustice these days. Why is the church being excoriated? Isn't there also abuse elsewhere?

Ahh, nicely done. When in doubt, state the exact opposite of everything that the media is revealing about Pope Benedict's actions while in charge of disciplining priests. Acknowledging someone else's reality is the first step towards losing an argument. Which is why I'm more disappointed in the second statement. Sure, the "everyone else is raping kids and covering it up, we aren't the only ones" defense looks sound on paper and is a real winner in terms of public support, but you acknowledging the media narrative and also tacitly admitting that priests rape kids and the church covers it up. Which is bad. The admitting it, I mean.

Cardinal William Levada, head of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith

"I am not proud of America's newspaper of record, The New York Times, as a paragon of fairness."

Yes! Question the source. Just how reliable is one of the world's most reliable papers anyway? Though in the Times defense they are just passing on the accusation of 200 deaf boys, not making the accusations themselves. So the question is: do you want to question the credibility of 200 deaf children and wage a PR battle against them? The answer might seem like an obvious yes, but keep in mind there is a lot of sympathy on their side. After all, they were raped over a series of decades and nothing was done about it.

Anthony Fisher, bishop of Parramatta

''Last century we tried godlessness on a grand scale and the effects were devastating,'' he said. ''Nazism, Stalinism, Pol-Pottery, mass murder and broken relationships: all promoted by state-imposed atheism or culture-insinuated secularism.''

Nicely pointed out. Where would we be without the Catholic Church? What if we were all atheists? What would we be getting up to if we rejected the teaching of the church? Probably something awful like raping kids and covering it up. I can't bear to think of that reality.

An unsigned editorial from the Vatican

[it accused] the NY Times of willfully ignoring the "truth" of Ratzinger/Benedict's record and of attempting "to instrumentalize, without any foundation in fact, horrible episodes and sorrowful events uncovered in some cases from decades ago." The media, it continued, showed a "despicable intent of attacking, at whatever cost, Benedict XVI and his closest collaborators."

That's right, not only is this really only an issue that the Times is dragging up, this all happened decades ago. Who can remember what happened last week, let alone decades ago? The past isn't important or legally actionable. Though again, try to refrain from alleging a conspiracy or using words like collaborators. It tends to make people think a group of people within the church, including the Pope, might have "collaborated" on trying to cover up abuse cases. Best not mention that kind of thing at all. Bonus points for not signing the editorial. That takes bravery.

New York Times Op-Ed Columnist, Ross Douthat

In reality, the scandal implicates left and right alike. The permissive sexual culture that prevailed everywhere, seminaries included, during the silly season of the ’70s deserves a share of the blame, as does that era’s overemphasis on therapy.

Yes, blame the left. It works well in American politics, why won't it help shield the church from rape allegations? I mean weren't these crimes the hallmark or leftist hippies and their 60's and 70's culture? What was it they said at Woodstock "Watch out for the brown acid and if you see a kid grab him and do whatever you want"? Wasn't Purple Haze about covering up abuse allegations? Still, while these are useful additions to the defense, they should not be made from the pages of the New York Times. Haven't you seen the attempts to demonize the Times and blame it for the scandal. Or should I say "scandal". If op-ed columns blaming hippies and saying the Pope shouldn't resign are coming from the Times then how is it an effective demonization tool? It isn't. Shape up.

So there, I hope that helped out with the Catholic Church's efforts to blame everyone else. I hope that these tips and messaging strategies will provide useful when attempting to pretend that credible stories, abuse allegations, evidence, and paper trails leading to the Pope don't mean anything. But I want you to remember the keys to this strategy: don't ever admit you did anything wrong (infallibility), don't ever apologize, don't ever attempt to punish or give a stern talking to any accused priests, don't ever appear to have a shred of human compassion, ethics, morality, or empathy, above all think of yourselves, and protect the Pope at all costs to your credibility and religion.

You stick to that plan and soon you'll have completely eradicated Christianity from the earth. That is your goal, right? If it isn't I'm going to have to change my advice.

Stay classy, Pat

With the disaster in Haiti that's going on right now, it was a mad dash to see who could be the most insensitive Christian fundamentalist right wing prick to be the first one out of the gate blaming some form of immorality for the destruction. Of course evangelical leg press world record holder Pat Robertson was able to get his chastising comments towards people dying in and earthquake out first, barely edging Rush Limbaugh at the line. He's a spry fuck for a rotten old bastard.

You see, it's that pact Haiti made with the devil. Not a pact they made because they allowed gays to exist or women to expose their ankles, no. A literal pact with a man in a red suit carrying a hayfork.

"Something happened a long time ago in Haiti, and people might not want to talk about it," he said on Christian Broadcasting Network's "The 700 Club." "They were under the heel of the French. You know, Napoleon III, or whatever. And they got together and swore a pact to the devil. They said, we will serve you if you'll get us free from the French. True story. And so, the devil said, okay it's a deal."

Robertson said that "ever since, they have been cursed by one thing after the other" and he contrasted Haiti with its neighbor, the Dominican Republic.

Classy as always. Good old Pat, always quick to blame people for their own suffering, like Jesus did.

If you'd like to actually do something to help and somehow don't feel like inventing stories about red devil bewitching the mud people quite does it, you can donate to Oxfam, Google has a page up for UNICEF and CARE, text "HAITI" to 90999 to donate $10 to the Red Cross and text "YELE" to 501501 to donate $5 to Yele Haiti's efforts, and Huffington Post has a larger link to all the non-profits running relief efforts and doing work on the ground.

Oh, we're also going to have to tolerate Wyclef Jean being back in the public eye for a while and I'm sure he'll have a charity single that we'll all have to pretend is good too. It's a burden, but we'll do it anyway.

Those choosing instead to just alter their Twitter of Facebook page will get their face mashed in by the first decent person that can be sent around to their place. Prayers for the death/humiliation/humiliating death of Pat Robertson can be offered to the heavens at any time.

Important science

I know I am. Hell, it's all I think about. Finally science is getting the fuck onboard.

If zombies actually existed, an attack by them would lead to the collapse of civilisation unless dealt with quickly and aggressively.

That is the conclusion of a mathematical exercise carried out by researchers in Canada.
...
The scientific paper is published in a book - Infectious Diseases Modelling Research Progress.
...
Professor Robert Smith? (the question mark is part of his surname and not a typographical mistake) and colleagues wrote: "We model a zombie attack using biological assumptions based on popular zombie movies.
...
In their scientific paper, the authors conclude that humanity's only hope is to "hit them [the undead] hard and hit them often".

They added: "It's imperative that zombies are dealt with quickly or else... we are all in a great deal of trouble."
...
Professor Neil Ferguson, who is one of the UK government's chief advisers on controlling the spread of swine flu, said the study did have parallels with some infectious diseases.
...
Ferguson continued, "My understanding of zombie biology is that if you manage to decapitate a zombie then it's dead forever. So perhaps they are being a little over-pessimistic when they conclude that zombies might take over a city in three or four days."

All I'm glad to know is that science has finally started to come around to the idea that we need to shitcan cancer research, AIDS research, swine flu nonsense and start focusing on real problems. And finally, governments like the UK and it's scientific advisers are taking it seriously. Now if we just start the process of pre-decapitating corpses, we can make sure that we only have to deal with the newly dead/infected and no ghouls will be climbing up out of their graves to feast on the living. How about putting that in a health care bill, Barry? You want to set up government panels to kill grandma, but yet you don't care enough to behead her so she doesn't rise again and burden society with flesh eating chaos? Whatever.

Fr those who are interested, the study is here, your instruction on how to survive are here and here.