Cheap Blogging Crutch 07.08

Darryl Cunningham Investigates: Homeopathy

In You're Living Up To The Stereotype of Your Country News, Colombian police have uncovered an attempt to send 24 pounds of cocaine to Spain in the form of a molded World Cup statute. Don't plan that celebration, you still have to get through the Oranje first, Espana. Bonus points for creativity, you did find a substance that would make the value of the World Cup even greater. All that aside, if you want an even better story about Colombians and World Cup soccer, give the ESPN documentary The Two Escobars a look.

Let me see if you can follow this. The public sentiment is for cutting the deficit and cutting spending, while at the same time improving the economy and job market. If government were to focus on spending cuts and deficit reduction that would have a negative effect on the economy and job markets, making them worse. Economists know this and have been saying it for months. Our elected betters have been told this for months and should know it. Yet, cutting the deficit and spending is popular. So what is everyone going to do? Try to cut the deficit and spending in order to win in November. Because if we've learned anything over the past decade, it's that doing something smart isn't a good idea if doing something dumb and popular and destructive is. I'll see you in the bread lines.

After years of stalling anything and everything that Democrats could do, Republicans are riding high over thoughts of what could happen in November. They're even planning out their new agenda. But after hamstringing the Democrats on all their priorities, surely Democrats wouldn't be eager to help the GOP go after one of their priorities: gutting Social Security. I mean, that would be ridiculous, helping Republicans carve up one of the great progressive achievements in the country's history, right? Wrong. The Democrats are eager to help. And why not, fucking with Social Security is so very popular. Besides, old people love eating catfood. Good luck with that.

What if I were to tell you that not only was there an Illuminati card game that referenced a Gulf oil spill, but there was an oil company board game from the seventies that talked about the possibility as well. Surely you'd think this was just a decently thought out scenario that simply prefaced an easily possible bad scenario using the oil industry and the area with which they were working in, right? Nope. IT'S PROOF THIS WHOLE OIL SPILL WAS PLANNED ALL ALONG!! JESUS CHRIST, CAN'T YOU SEE IT? Man, the Illuminati, Parker Brothers, the Trilateral Commission, and the Egg Council were all planning this for decades. We're through the looking glass here people. Comb through Trivial Pursuit to see if there are any cryptic references to nuclear war and I'll see when Rock 'em Sock 'em Robots predicted the robots would take over.

Europe Is Better Than Us: #3,215 in a series. In this episode Europe, having surveyed the damage cause by global financial giants, sees that it might be smart to tie bonuses to little things like results, performance, and whether or not a collection of assholes toilets the world economy or not. This is just one of the many, better, steps that their continent has taken while we still dick around wondering if we should leave everything pretty much as is, or give the financial giants a little slap on the knuckles and tell the scamps not to do it again. Plus it comes right at the same time the Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development pillories us for hamstringing our own recovery, employment prospects, and general social fabric. On the bright side, if we continue to ignore their good advice and follow their smart lead, nothing they do in Brussels will be able to stop the effects of the next mega crisis America enables. Who's the smart one now, Europe?

In closing, enjoy this racist cat.

Video of the day

Rachel Maddow on fake outrage and out an out lying by conservative media misinformation, most recently personified in Climategate and the ACORN/Pimp scandal, the latter of which is taken down further by her here.

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

It kind of makes you wish Rachel was allowed to drop a full on "bullshit" during the piece. You know she wanted to. Yeah, she does pretty much have the best news commentary show on TV. But it could use some swearing.

(via Bad Astronomy)

Video of the day

A video from NASA on climate change and what they've observed is happening to make the globe get warmer. It's part of a larger effort they just launched called A Warming World, their effort to join the global scientific conspiracy to bilk humanity into believing the myth of climate change in order to rake in all the trillions of dollars that will only roll in once they've gotten people to fall for the hoax. Or something.

In any event, it's a useful repository of the data, pictures, video, graphs, and charts that they've compiled over the last few decades of doing science and stuff with satellites and shit measuring all kinds of junk on the earth. Sorry for all the technical jargon I used.

Our apologies

We here at These Bastards spend a lot of time warning and cheering on the apocalypse. Robot apocalypse, financial apocalypse, meteor strikes, supernovas, lizard people, war, war with lizard people, climate collapse, and alien invasion.But one of the ones we've been most interested in is a calamitous viral event or flupocalypse. Not only because we're certain we would survive, but it's also the plotline of one of our favorite books, the Stand. It'd be glorious, a cornucopia of good vs. evil, Boulder vs. Vegas, weird omens, cawing crows on fence posts, deaf guys getting exploded, mildly retarded men stealing nukes, and holy retribution.

That's why we were so excited about the swine flu, or H1N1... or Porcine AIDS. We thought it had the power to cleanse all you rotten bastards from the face of this earth. Well, turns out the panic over it might not have been on the level.

Wolfgang Wodarg, head of health at the Council of Europe, claims major firms organised a "campaign of panic" to put pressure on the World Health Organisation to declare a pandemic.

He believes it is "one of the greatest medicine scandals of the century" — and has called for an inquiry.
...
"The great campaign of panic we have seen provided a golden opportunity for representatives from labs who knew they would hit the jackpot in the case of a pandemic being declared.

What? Pharmaceutical companies hyping a virus to hawk expensive medicine? I don't believe it. I'd get up and march right over to this Wodarg fellow and tell him what's what, but don't you know, I'm not supposed to exert my legs too heavily, what with this restless leg syndrome I'm taking medicine for. Plus the pills for my nonspecific mouth pain disorder make me dizzy and a new ad makes me wonder if I'm suffering the ill effects of coal miner's pinky.

But still, isn't it the point when you discover a possibly dangerous and new type of flu related to that Spanish flu that killed everyone a while back, to overreact to it? Isn't that the point of any possible outbreak; to overreact to it? Isn't that how it gets stopped in its tracks? Isn't that how the fuckers who don't want everyone dead avoid a Stand-type scenario?

Plus, the was reported by the UK's the Sun, which means it was sandwiched in between topless women answering questions about "the issues" and horrendously bad headlines made out of puns, so your mileage may vary. But, if in fact we're all going to live and none of us survivors will be in a pitched battle for all mankind, well, we'd just like to apologize for getting your hopes up. Sorry, we're all going to make it.

On the bright side, there's always bird flu. And SARS, maybe that'll make a comeback. There is hope.

Chart of the day

A study of last week's most covered stories from The Pew Research Center's Project for Excellence in Journalism. Which really should be changed to Project for "Excellence" in "Journalism". It found that while health care was the big story of the week, balloon boy came in a strong third ahead of Afghanistan and Pakistan in our intelligent national discourse. On the other hand Falcon Heene, or "That little lying shit" as we all know him, was the week's second most covered "newsmaker". Placing second to the most powerful leader in the world, who also coincidentally got stuck in a balloon, but was able to extricate himself with the help of the Secret Service, Sasha, Malia, and a pointed stick.

I know some of you are angrily saying "I can't believe it was ahead of the two areas we're about to escalate a war in the week lots of big news comes out about it!" I think the better question is: Only third place? I think that had a function to do with the fact that the balloon boy story happened on a Thursday and therefore wasn't given a full week's worth of coverage like that health care bullshit was. I'm sure if that family pulled that hoax on a Monday or Sunday evening, we would have seen some serious media abdication of journalistic responsibilities. As such, real news was actually allowed to break through during the week, though thankfully not on Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and most of Sunday.

Sadly, I think we're going to have to suffer through real news on a national level for most of this week. Hopefully some kid gets caught adrift in a homemade catamaran or falls down a well or something so we don't have to hear about health care or any of our old wars on the evening news.

I guess it's not a hoax

Well, here we are one day later and it seems that everyone is still under the impression that after a challenge phase that lasted a couple of decades, Al Franken actually gets to take the senate seat he won. Apparently Norm Coleman just gave up after the Minnesota State Supreme Court ruled against him 5-0. Did no one tell him about the US Supreme Court, the plaintive pleas to God, the sacrifices on the black altar that he could use to drag this out for another thousand years? Al Franken is a Senator and there have been no take backsies, cries of "do over", and barring a certification ceremony where the wind blows the certificate away while a weeping Governor Pawlenty cries out "It's gonna take weeks to get another one of those!" Al will actually be allowed in the US Senate without having to have paid for the tour.

"I don't know if it has really sunk in," said Franken, appearing at his home in Minneapolis shortly after receiving a congratulatory call from Coleman, a Republican. "He said it was a very hard-fought campaign. I said, 'Norm, it couldn't have been closer.'

"It was a nice way to end this."

Franken's arrival in the Senate could give Democrats a 60th vote on many issues, a filibuster-proof majority that could help advance President Obama's agenda.

Uh-oh, a filibuster proof majority. Harry Reid and Senate Democrats are going to have to work double time to fuck that up. Actually there shouldn't be that much work. They're always be a Ben Nelson or Evan Bayh out there making sure they get their names in the press for "bucking their own party" and McCain-esque Maverickitude by hamstringing some type of Democratic plan that is broadly supported by the American public. It's how they do.

Finally Minnesota gets its second senator. No longer will Amy Klobuchar be down a man for the Senate tag team wrestling and 2-on-2 b-ball tournaments. More importantly the Minnesota Congressional Delegation will finally have enough members to stage that intervention with Michelle Bachmann to get her to stop the drinking, paint huffing, gasoline drinking, or whatever it is she does that makes her act and think the way she does. Congrats Al, just remember to keep bringin' the funny.

Spared no expense

Dr. Alan Grant:

Try to imagine yourself in Carmel, Illinois. You get your first look at this "six foot turkey" as you enter the offramp near the construction on Exit 73. He moves like a bird, lightly, bobbing his head. And you keep still because you think that maybe his visual acuity is based on movement like T-Rex - he'll lose you if you don't move. But no, not Velociraptor. You stare at him, and he just stares right back. And that's when the attack comes. Not from the front, but from the side near the road cones,

[makes 'whoshing' sound]

from the other two 'raptors you didn't even know were even hiding behind the road paver and macadam pile. Because Velociraptor's a pack hunter, you see, he uses coordinated attack patterns and he is out in force today. And he slashes at you with this... a six-inch retractable claw, like a razor, on the the middle toe. He doesn't bother to bite your jugular like a lion, say... no no. He slashes at you here... or here... or maybe across the belly, spilling your intestines. The point is... you are alive when they start to eat you. So you know... try to show a little respect.

Forewarned is forearmed.

When there is no more room left in Collinsville...

The Zombie Road Sign Movement, first chronicled here, seems to be gaining momentum.

Pranksters in at least three states are corrupting electronic road signs meant to warn drivers of road work. The latest breach came Tuesday during the morning rush hour near Collinsville, Ill., where hackers changed a sign along Interstate 255 to read, “Daily lane closures due to zombies.”

Not that we would ever condone such behavior but, well, here you go.

The dream.....dashed

So close to reality and yet.....so far.

Austin drivers making their morning commute were in for a surprise when two road signs on a busy stretch of road were taken over by hackers. The signs near the intersection of Lamar and Martin Luther King boulevards usually warn drivers about upcoming construction, but Monday morning they warned of "zombies ahead."

Damn kids, getting my hopes up. Don't play with a man's zombie based emotions!

In a completely unrelated note....this is how you hack road signs.

Pennsylvania Strikes Back

It seems I called the crazy partisan how-low-can-you-go shitfest a little too soon. As some of you might recall, last week an elderly couple in Western PA declared their enthusiastic support for "the nigger." Southern Ohio then quickly responded when one of its fair citizens hung a Halloween-themed Obama effigy in his front yard. Not to be outdone, someone or someones in North Carolina killed a bear and draped Obama signs on the carcass.

And that, I thought, was the end of it. Modern American political discourse at its finest. Then Pittburgh, my hometown, came out of nowhere with a burst of bored redneck insanity typically reserved for asylums and Matthew's family reunions...

[CNN] -- A Pennsylvania woman told police she was attacked at an ATM in Pittsburgh by a robber who became angry when he saw a John McCain bumper sticker on her car, a spokeswoman for the Pittsburgh Police Department said Thursday...

...She further stated the man "punched her in the back of the head, knocking her to the ground, and he continued to punch and kick her while threatening to teach her a lesson for being a McCain supporter," according to a police statement.

The woman also told police her attacker "called her a lot of names and stated that 'You are going to be a Barack supporter,' at which time she states he sat on her chest, pinning both her hands down with his knees, and scratched into her face a backward letter 'B' on the right side of her face using what she believed to be a very dull knife."

That's right. We've officially progressed from hate speech to racist lawn decorations to bear killing to assault and the carving of candidate initials into flesh. But the story, much like the beat, goes on...

[Trib Live]--Police planned to administer a polygraph test to Ashley Todd, 20, because her statements about the attack conflict with evidence from the Citizens Bank ATM where she claims the incident occurred, police said

.Also:

[Salon]--Since then, though, some people -- conservative blogger Michelle Malkin among them -- have begun to question Todd's account. And the Web site TMZ.com says it has sources inside the Pittsburgh police who say "they have serious questions about the authenticity of the alleged victim who says she had her face cut by a politically-motivated attacker." The site also reports that it has been told "there are several things about the alleged attack that don't add up."

Oof. Do you know how far fetched a lie has to be for Michelle Malkin to not buy it? This is epic. We might well be looking at a scenario where a McCain volunteer ventured to a strange city, concocted a false story about a politically motivated assault, lied to the authorities, and garnered national media attention. Now, if Ms. Todd was, in fact, robbed, beaten and disfigured on account of her political beliefs, well, that certainly isn't something we can get behind. Everyone has the right to assert their political preferences, no matter how misguided.

But if she really did make it all up, we need to get her some sort of medal because, frankly, before now I just didn't believe anyone could be so desperate and shortsighted as to pull a stunt like this. You have to admit, though, that it fits somewhat snugly into the general narrative being written of the McCain-Palin campaign. And so we wait, in bemused horror, for the polygraph results.

I douse your dreams of secret bigfoots

The Sasquatch. The Abominable Snowman. The Yeti. The Stink Ape. Bigfoot.

All still fake you childish motherfuckers. Remember those guys that said they found a bigfoot, but wouldn't let anyone look at it? Get the fainting couch Bertha, they're fakers. I know, I know, how could something that looked like a gorilla suit smeared with entrails not turn out to really be Bigfoot. They got what they wanted, 15 minutes of fame and some dumb bastard to buy it off them.

The claimed recent discovery of Bigfoot in the US state of Georgia has turned out to be a hoax - it was a rubber gorilla suit in a block of ice.

Two men said last week they had found a 2.3m-tall (7ft 7in), 226kg (500lb) corpse of the legendary ape-like creature in a wood in June.

Two researchers bought the "carcass", encased in ice, for an undisclosed sum.

But as it thawed it turned out to be a rubber monkey outfit. Bigfoot has been the subject of decades of hoaxes.

I like that last phrase "Bigfoot has been the subject of decades of hoaxes", as if he's some old pensioner who keeps getting scammed by slick con artists. So cry tears of sadness into your Harry and the Hendersons pillow, Bigfoot isn't real, the aliens picked them all up and moved them to a safe game reserve for galactic endangered species. They ride unicorns with the Transformers now.

Of final note, two things popped out from the article. One, there's a guy who runs a site called squatchdetective.com. That is a great idea for a cartoon or comic book or something. Not a guy who carves a career out of investigating inevitable fakes, but an actual Sasquatch detective who has to solve crimes and hide his identity. I COPYRIGHTED THAT SHIT! IT'S MINE!!! STAY AWAY!!

Secondly, these hoaxers have a Bigfoot Tip Line wherein they admit they search for leprechauns and the Loch Ness monster. How did these guys get on the national news again? Darfur can't get on the news, but rubber ape suits from the leprechaun detectives get coverage. All hail our media betters.