I like mine done medium-rare

What with loathed British shitbag Tony Hayward off to the Middle East to beg sheiks for bailout money in a way that doesn't result in him being made to wear a dress and join a harem, BP has been hurting for some really bad news that makes people hate them more. In fact, what with BP sponsoring our love of sky explosions and the baseball combined with this country's gnat-like attention span, the might even be inching their approval rating into that high teens Dick Cheney area.

So really, what's one thing they could do to really surprise and offend us in a new way so as to squander the good will they're getting as a result of spending about as much on PR as they are on the cleanup? Did I hear someone say "burn animals alive"? You know, ones bigger than the turtles? DING DING DING! Bonus points for the man in the back with the magnifying glass, ant-farm, and the sociopath's gaze.

They didn't even cook it right to get the diamond grill marks. Is there no corner they won't cut?

Now I know some of you are saying "How do we know this was BP's fault? How do we know that this whale didn't set itself on fire or swim into a controlled burn area on purpose in order to commit suicide, possibly over a whale romance gone bad?" Ok, valid points. To this I say what if BP set the whale on fire... because it knew too much!

But hell, maybe there is a valid scientific explanation that doesn't legally remonstrate BP for burning a giant sea creature. Science? Anyone from science want to present a plausible alternative theory? I know you're purposefully being kept away from this spill and your solutions are being ignored, so here's your chance to get in there and help.

What's that? A hypercarnivorous giant ancient whale shark that ate smaller whales, you say? I'm sure evolution could have had them develop some sort of rudimentary fire deployment system for cooking their food over the 12 million years since they last existed. Yes, that's clearly what happened here. A new giant species of super whale that's bears some sort of PR grudge against BP. I think we can close the books on this one. BP would never do this, they paid for fireworks one time.

Your horrifying oil related story of the day

Turtle fire.

Picture of the day

Today in our ongoing Aren't Foreign Cultures Juuuuuust Precious and Adorable series, we take a look at a guinea pig festival in Peru.

They dress the adorable little creatures in local garb and parade them around in a fashion show.

Hello, your royal highness. And is this your lovely wife?

Even adorable children love the festival, adorably kissing the adorable guinea pigs in an adorable manner.


Guinea pigs love corn. Hmmmm... I wonder why they're standing on a grill.

OH MY GOD THEY"RE EATING THE CUTE ANIMALS!!!!!! SWEET MERCIFUL CHRIST, THE PARADE OF ADORABLENESS HAS TURNED INTO A FEAST OF UNENDING SADNESS!!!!!! OH THE HUMANITY! OH THE CULTURAL DIFFERENCES!

Plus, who grills or frys a guinea pig? You pan sear it in some butter, then finish it off in the oven. It's in Thomas Keller's French Laundry Cookbook, under the section on eating animals that are considered household pets in America. When will Peru learn about proper food preparation?

Picture of the day

Via the Big Picture blog, the oil spill, it's effect on animals, and the cleanup.

"Can you believe this shit, Merv?" "No, Phil, I can't. I'm a fucking pelican."

"NO, YOU LOOK INTO THE CAMERA AND SAY 'IT'S A LIVING'!"

"So fresh and so clean clean! Right?" "I don't get the reference, Phil. Again: I'm a fucking pelican."

Buddies

There are some friendships where you look at the two people involved and say "I don't know how they became or are still friends." Then there are the ones where you say "Yeah, those two assholes deserve each other. I get it." This is a tale about the latter. This is a tale about Robert Mugabe, Kim Jong-Il, and a crateload of baby animals that are probably dead already.

Two by two, they were caught and lined up as an extravagant gift from one despotic regime to another.

According to conservationists, the Zimbabwean president, Robert Mugabe, will send a modern-day ark – containing pairs of giraffes, zebras, baby elephants and other wild animals taken from a national park – to a zoo in North Korea.

That's right, in order to continue their decades long friendship, Mugabe looted his national parks to send baby animals -including rare and endangered rhinos- to the North Korean dictator/shriveled husk of beef jerky, unaware that this action would cause said animals to die. Or he may be completely aware that the animals would die. Mugabe is after all, and immensely crooked and evil prick.

This is not the first time Mugabe has done this.

Zoo conditions in North Korea, which is isolated by most world nations, did not meet international standards, he said. Two rhinos, a male called Zimbo and a female called Zimba, given to Kim by Mugabe in the 80s, died only a few months after their relocation.

What did Mugabe get from Kim for this first gift? A trained brigade of Zimbabwean soldiers equipped them with tanks and armored personnel carriers... who went on to quash an uprising and slaughter 20,000 civilians. I wonder if Kim will be able to spare a kill squad in return this time? Mugabe does have a free press to deal with now.

Who knows, maybe Kim Jong-Il just wants to eat the elephants and rhinos. That is what he did when he was sent 12 giant rabbits for breeding and farming purposes. He. Ate. Giant. Rabbits. Maybe Kimbo just wants a really exotic BBQ for the World Cup. It is North Korea's first appearance since 1966.

So let us take time out of our day to take note of the special animal killing, crazy ark sending, death squad training, insane friendship of Robert Mugabe and Kim Jong-Il. The worst pen pals ever.

Su pronóstico es muy grave

Yeah, that's a bull giving a matador the ole "Timothy Dalton at the end of Hot Fuzz" treatment. Horn right up the windpipe, right out the mouth. Don't worry, the man is still alive... somehow, but he's described as being in critical condition. I'd say so. As one of the posters of Deadspin so astutely pointed out, I bet it was easy to intubate.

Normally there would be cause for consternation and condolences for the poor man getting a horn in the jugular. But, seeing as how he was engaged in slow, ritualized, artistic animal murder, it's only fair that the bull gets to put points on the board as well. Fuck him. Yay bull! Don't mess with mother nature, Spain.

And just in case you were wondering... yeah, that photo does enlarge. Click to embiggen.

Broken News: Adorable Puppy Fails to Fix Relationship

Above: A miserable, piece-of-shit failure

TUSCON--Their dreams of a healthy, loving, mutually beneficial union apparently dashed, local couple Benjamin Hargen and Felicia Cox have decided to blame Cuddles, the puppy they purchased last month.

Procured in a shortsighted attempt to conjure common ground in a relationship that had grown stale and unfulfilling, Cuddles has failed miserably at every turn, even going so far as to prompt several arguments between the former college sweethearts over whose turn it was to take the two-month-old lab for a walk.

"I really thought this dog would fix everything," said Hargen. "The resentment, the boredom, the twenty pounds she's packed on since we moved in together."

Cox agreed completely, adding, "I had every reason to suspect that Cuddles would encourage Ben to get off the couch once in a while. Maybe get a job or realize my vagina isn't just for show. Something to redeem the hollow coexistence that passes for love around here."

Cuddles is but the latest scapegoat in a year-long process aimed at rehabilitating a relationship neither party can even remember enjoying. Hargen and Cox had progressed through various rare plants, two gerbils, several macaws, a kitten, a ferret, another kitten, and a Vietnamese pot bellied pig named Ernesto before discovering Cuddles.

"Honestly, I'm sick of hearing about it," said Hargen's best friend, Jay McMillan. "Either Ben is bitching about his girlfriend or trolling petfinder.com for some magic fix. They just need to break it off before anything else gets hurt."

The "anything else" McMillan referred to was the first kitten, Jinx. After failing, as all other pets have, to repair this faltering relationship, Jinx was mortally wounded by the ferret that followed.

"It's kind of a just killing, if you think about it," admitted Cox. "Not that the ferret worked out in the end. The vet said it died of natural causes, but I've always suspected that ferret committed suicide. The eyes... you could see it in the eyes."

While the fate of Cuddles remains to be determined, Hargen and Cox continue to contemplate other methods of mending their broken union. While they do not have room in their apartment for larger domesticated animals such as sheep or horses, there is a more aggressive option on the table.

"We're thinking about getting pregnant," admitted Cox.

Though Hargen is receptive to the idea, referring to it as "our Hail Mary," one aspect of the scenario gives him pause.

"If the kid doesn't fix us, it's not as though I can buy a bucket, fill it with water, and dig a hole out back. Well...."

For now the couple has decided to enlist the world of international diplomacy to aid their fading relationship, hoping that an expensive European vacation will rekindle the sparks that, in hindsight, never really seemed to be there in the first place.

"I'm hoping her bullshit won't seem like so much bullshit if I'm within sight of the Eiffel Tower," explained Hargen.

"Ditto," added Cox, noting that perhaps Hargen's inadequacy as a lover would seem somehow lessened standing amongst the ruins of past civilizations.

"Failing that, we can just use one of the cities we lovelessly copulate in as a baby name. I hear that's popular," she added.

At the very least they hope the trip will give them new material to talk about when avoiding discussing the sad shambles their lives have become.

In the meantime, both hope to use the excuse of walking Cuddles as a needed respite from the smothering atmosphere of their empty home life.

"So in that respect, the dog was worth it. Who's a good boy?" asked Hargen, through gritted teeth, before kicking the puppy in the ribs.

Headline of the day

Florida legislature fails to outlaw sex with animals

Sadly, I'm not sure whether that headline is supposed to be written with a normal period or five exclamation points. I guess it depends on which side of the debate you fall on: normal Americans who don't have or want to have sex with animals... or the Florida legislature.

Why didn't the bill pass this time? Well, they say it's because someone tried to tack on a shady rider for guns and fertilizer, which killed the bill. I say it's because most of the Florida legislature enjoys the sexual thrill of when a wild gator goes into a death roll mid-coitus.

Lest they be accused of supporting sex with animals, the Florida Legislature quit trying to pass this bill because they claimed that they didn't want to be accused of wasting time by addressing this issue. But, as Think Progress points out, they were able to waste time addressing banning gays from adopting or marrying.

So, if you sleep with a member of the same sex, Florida has all the time in the world to meddle in your business. If you sleep with a member of another species, Florida can't be bothered. It's as God intended.

Broken in Brief: Hundreds of Delicious Sea Turtles Wash up on Gulf Coast Shores

One of the suffering, poor, mouth-watering creatures

GALVESTON—As the Gulf Coast reels from one of the largest oil spills in US history, the ecological toll on this fragile region is beginning to show. In the last few days numerous dying, oil-slicked animals, most notably fish and sea turtles, have been washing up along the coast. But true to the caring spirit of local citizens, groups have been organized to help handle these beleaguered creatures.

“My God, the desolation of these poor sea turtles. These poor, delicious, delicious sea turtles,” said Harold Watkins, President of the local Galveston Gourmands Club and leader of the local rescue efforts.

“My heart goes out to the struggling animals,” he said, belching. “Pardon my manners, I’m not used to talking to the press. Those, poor… tender… succulent… Excuse me, I’ll be with you in a moment, the shallots were just delivered.”

As to what measures the group was taking to clean and help the animals, several participants noted that they were running them under the tap for a quick rinse, followed by a cleansing dip in a white wine and herb marinade, followed by a slow braising for two-to-three hours.

When pressed to explain how these unconventional methods might benefit the surviving turtles, a spokesperson for the group dabbed at her eyes and the corners of her mouth with a napkin before explaining that they had yet to find a surviving turtle.

With that sad reminder of the toll this spill is causing, Watkins vowed that his club would stay until every last turtle had been properly and humanely disposed of, or until they were full.

“Tragic though this might be, we will be there every time rare and endangered animals are menaced by environmental catastrophes that conveniently distract Fish and Wildlife oversight,” Watkins declared as he let his belt out a notch and patted his stomach. “I can only hope that one day our vital rescue services are required on a panda reserve.”

Map of the day

Good news everyone! You know that giant oil slick that's menacing the gulf coast? It's five times bigger than had been initially estimated! In a handy little infographic, the New York Times shows the size of the oil slick and just what exactly it is menacing.

As you can see the area in which they're going to hold the deep sea fish fry in is laughably small compared to the entirety of the problem. It is the textbook definition of pissing in the wind.

However it is nice to see Louisiana and New Orleans being sufficiently threatened again. If you think about it, the Louisiana coast has been dodging natural disasters for years, emerging completely unscathed. It's only right that a man-made threat balances things out a bit.

click to embiggen

In a larger version of the graphic the NYT also is kind enough to show us which animals will no longer exist by Wednesday of next week. Shame about the prospects for the Brown pelican. I know it just came off the endangered species list and just started breeding in the area, but someone has to pay for the US making an insignificant dent in our foreign oil dependence. Plus, everyone hates pelicans, right? Same with the reddish egret and spotted duck. If mother nature wanted them to survive, she would have had them evolve a natural immunity to man made oil rig leaks. I'm sad to hear that the Gulf is the only spawning grounds for the bluefin tuna. Ah well, gives all those tuna cans with the phrase 'packed in oil' a hilarious new meaning.

So take heed, America. You may have just eaten your last bluefin tuna, spotted egret, and oyster from the Louisiana area for the foreseeable future. On the other hand, BP is at least profiting off the fact that global oil prices are rising because of increased global oil scarcity resulting from things like this leak/gushing tide of black marine death. Maybe they can put those billions into maybe cleaning up the spill a little fucking faster or buying some new lobbyists to even further oppose environmental and offshore drilling safety standards. Either/or.

I just hope that experts take the lessons they've learned and apply them to the newly OK'd offshore Cape Cod wind farm. This country doesn't want and can't afford any dangerous wind spills.

Ratchet it back a few notches, PETA

Olympic time. The time for the heights of athletic competition to be scaled and for sporting excellence broadcast nationwide. Oh, and bizarre animal rights protests. Because.... are skis made out of whale bone or something?

Ahh PETA. You have such a good message: treat animals better. But you always ruin it with your cheap, exploitative stunts, the mind shattering insanity of some of the comparisons and arguments you make, and the general insanity of your campaigns and fervent followers.

Thankfully this go around, they have neglected to strip women down naked to parade around in public or make any comparisons to concentration camps or the holocaust. SO we must congratulate them for possibly learning. Still though, they aren't exactly winning friends with salad. First up is their new Olympic pin:

Because... did they replace the silver medal with 40 pounds of free seal meat? Oh, seal clubbing. Yeah, kind of terrible. Still, not sure that's under the purview on the Vancouver Olympic Committee. But again, well done. No Hitler references and the objectification of women was kept down to a bare minimum. I'd say this rates as a passable campaign. You're learni... what's that?

American figure skater Johnny Weir will stay in the Olympic Village because he's concerned about "very serious threats" from anti-fur activists.
...
At last month's U.S. Nationals, Weir earned the scorn of anti-fur protesters when he wore a white tuft of fox fur on his shoulder. He was defiant in the face of the criticism at first but later relented.

Oh no you don't PETA. No one goes after America's figure skating pride. The only man willing to look at Elton John and decide that his manner of dress is too restrained. The man wore a swan leotard for Christ's sake. A SWAN! He can do whatever he wants. I swear to God PETA, if you deny this country Johnny Weir dressing like a fox or a neon peacock, or Lady Gaga, or a mirror ball when he goes out to nail quadruple lutzes, all the while making Scott Hamilton swoon, there will be hell to pay. You hear me? Hell to pay.

A swan. He's the only guy in male figure skating who gets male figure skating. I will not have that sullied by a vindictive PETA anti-fur campaign. Stick to weirdly violent pins.

Picture of the day

As the world is still a depressing, depressing place, it is our duty to bring you happiness through primitive means. By which we mean... FIRE!!!!! Thankfully the Big Picture blog is here to inform us of the status of two fire festivals that are ongoing, the Scottish based Viking fire festival of Up Helly Aa and the Spanish based fire and horse centered Feast of Saint Anthony the Great.

We eat the pig and together we burn! Burn!

Definitions

cour⋅age
–noun
1. the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear; bravery.
2. Obsolete. the heart as the source of emotion.
3. Earning millions of dollars as a backup QB after an incident where you murdered dogs for fun and profit and went to jail.

Example:

Michael Vick’s peers appreciate his tough journey back to the NFL. Vick won the Ed Block Courage Award, voted on by his teammates on the Philadelphia Eagles. The once-disgraced star quarterback returned to the league after spending 18 months in a federal prison for his role in a dogfighting ring.
...
”I’ve overcome a lot, more than probably one single individual can handle or bear,” Vick said. ”You ask certain people to walk through my shoes, they probably couldn’t do.

hu⋅mil⋅i⋅ty
–noun
1. the quality or condition of being humble; modest opinion or estimate of one's own importance, rank, etc.
2. having the balls to claim that overcoming the media and legal scrutiny that came as a result of your own crippling stupidity and despicable personhood is some point of pride while simultaneously claiming that the 99.9% of the populace that isn't dumb enough to do what you did couldn't ever show the courage you did, again failing to note that this whole situation was of your own making.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 10.23

How Drug-Industry Lobbyists Got Their Way on Health Care
We all know the government goes out of its way to favor corporations over citizens, especially when the issue is important, but it's always interesting to find out the sordid inner workings of it. Thanks to Time, we now know how pharmaceutical industries were able to whack $378 billion out of US citizens. The debate over lowering costs on biologic drugs was described as being so easy and so common sense to regulate in the same way as normal drugs that it was "low hanging fruit". Well, never underestimate the ability of our government to take low hanging fruit, carve a hole into it, and then fuck it while hooting onlookers throw nickels at them. It's the only way they know.

AIG’s Top Swaps Managers Kept Bonuses, Feinberg Says
My God, the word of AIGFP executives is worthless? You mean to tell me that all their proclamations about fiscal solvency and how credit default swaps wouldn't collapse the world economy shouldn't have been taken seriously either? What is the world coming to? I mean sure, they didn't return the bonuses thy said they would, but didn't they earn them? Shouldn't they be entitled to keep them? Not because they're smart or know one goddamn thing about intelligently managing money, but because people were mean to them. Awww, keep your ill-gotten millions you poor, poor babies.

Don’t fire Tasers at the chest, manufacturer warns
After years of telling law enforcement officials to fire their taser into the chest of whoever it is they feel the need to electrocute, the Taser International company is deciding that maybe it isn't such a good idea, what with an increase in the number of taser related deaths, and the fact that "take this hippie" followed by a 50,000 volt jolt to the chest now seemingly comes before "you have the right to remain silent." The bad news? Now they're advising cops to shoot the taser into your groin. I think cops need to put away their electrical gizmos and remember the time honored tradition of truncheon beatings. Where's the pride? Stop relying on Thomas Edison to do your work for you.

Food Dance Gets New Life When Bees Get Cocaine
You know, just in case anyone tries to talk bullshit on what drugged bees are like, science has once again stepped in to answer the important questions: what are bees like on cocaine? Turns out they exaggerate the quality and amount of sugar/pollen they found, would dance too much, have similar withdrawal symptoms to Lindsay Lohan, and lose the ability to tell lemon and vanilla apart. We've all been there: bathroom of some night club, snorting lines of cocaine, unable to tell if the rum and coke we're drinking used coke with lemon or vanilla. Solidarity bees, solidarity.

Human Spaceflight Ball in Obama’s Court
Well a final NASA review is in and if we want to ever do anything again outside of low earth orbit, Barry and the feddy gov is going to have to pony up about $3 billion a year more than they already do. So which is it Barry: humans on Mars or a future where space robots do all our exploring for us. That's the first line in letting the robots take over. Who do you side with: the metal ones or their rightful flesh overlords! Answer Barry, only the future of humanity is at stake.

We've changed our minds

Perhaps, in our quest for world domination, we made a request in too much haste. Oh sure, we really need a naval fleet, that much is certain. But I think we've give too little consideration to our land based God-chariots. That's why Sean and I would like you to consider buying us The $1.6 million Dartz Prombron Monaco Red Diamond Edition armoured car.


Need me to sell you? How about it's made by the same company, RussoBaltique, that built armoured vehicles for Tsar Nicholas, Vladimir Lenin and Leon Trotsky. Yeah, two people who were brutally murdered and another who was hit by numerous assassination attempts. I think it's important to note that all these things happened outside their RussoBaltiques, not inside. I'm sold on the protection. But what about the luxury?

The bulletproof windows are gold-plated, the exhaust is made of tungsten, the gauges are encrusted with diamonds and rubies and the exterior has a Kevlar coating.

The car also comes with three bottles of the world’s most expensive Vodka, RussoBaltique, although the website does warn prospective buyers not to drink and drive.
...
Dartz’s armoured vehicles weigh roughly 4 tonnes, are powered by V8s putting out between 300kW and 400kW and are “rocket grenade-proof” according to the website.

But what about something for a discerning and classy individual, like myself?

The Russian armoured-car builder is boasting that its latest vehicle has seats covered with “whale-penis leather”

I'll take ten.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 10.16

Dem officials set stage for corporate-backed health care campaign
In case you were wondering how it came to be that Democrats handed out a multitude of concessions to health and insurance related companies in return for their "support" that included a bunch of terrible ads that ran a couple of times and a report that attempted to sandbag the process last week, the Politico is there to spell it out in all of its predictable detail. But hey, those ads were worth the tepid incremental reform, right? Right?

Sweden Turning Stray Rabbits Into Biofuel
You want to know how to get Peter Rabbit and Benjamin Bunny to stop eating the carrots an cabbages of Mr. McGregor? Why you just exterminate everone he knows, deep freeze them, and then turn them into biofuel to heat homes in order to make an example of Peter's anti-farm food terrorism. Socialism, expansive health care, beautiful blond women, hockey, public transportation, and now rabbit heated homes. Is there anything Sweden doesn't have? I'm moving there.

U.S. Credit Conditions
Thanks to the Federal Reserve Bank of New York and their research, now you can have a comprehensive county by county map of the US and the rate at which your fellow Americans have defaulted on their auto loans, bank cards, student loans, and mortgages over the last quarter. Well what do you know, every place in American has had a large increase in mortgage defaults over the past few months. Surprising.

Christmas myth dogs Obama
Just in case you were curious as to the next bizarre myth or conspiracy about Obama that is going to pop up is, here's a hint: Christmas. No, he didn't kill Santa or put extra funding into the war on Christmas. No, it's has to do with the fact that he's a Muslim and declared that this country isn't a Christian nation. That's right, he's going to abolish the White House Christmas tree. It isn't true, but you are going to receive several chain e-mails about it. The thing about the Obama's decorating the tree with bronzed aborted fetuses? That is true.

Edge of Solar System Is Not What We Expected
Science has once again been surprised by the cold dark recesses of space. This time the structure and energy spectra at the edge of the solar system are confounding our science overlords. If they're this surprised over what's going on at the edge of the solar system, I shudder to think what that means for their theories for what's at the edge of the universe. If there isn't a restaurant there, I'm going to lose it.

Headline of the day

South Florida sees rise in illegal horse meat market

Picture of the day

via the Times Online

A competitor attempts to tear off the head of a killed goose attached to a rope, which is repeatedly raised and lowered into the harbour, during fiestas in the Basque fishing town of Lekeitio. Successful participants are allowed to keep the goose.

Here we are trying to get excited about the upcoming season of millionaires crippling each other for our entertainment, when Spain has it all figured out: Goose Corpse Mangling. They don't do it for the money or the fame, they do it for the competition and the bird ripping, for the purity of the sport. They do it for the free goose meat. I think we can all learn something from this.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 09.02

The "Intolerance" Party? GOP Strategists Worry Ideologues Are Bad For The Party's Future
Some within the GOP are waking up to the idea that maybe, just maybe, having Limbaugh, Hannity, and Beck as the main faces of your party is...well let's be charitable and say...not good. They want to grab the party back from the ideologues. One thing, no...two things. First, don't you actually have to have ideas to be an ideologue? Secondly, if 58% of your party has problems believing that Barry was born in the US, can you really save the the party from the overwhelming majority of itself?

Health Care Reform: Sick and Wrong
If you're like me, a cheap fucker who can't be bothered to pay actual money for printed material, Rolling Stones has put up this handy little series of video clips whereupon Matt Taibbi explains the reasoning and arguments behind his new "Democrats are rotten fuckers" health care article, currently in the "Why the Beatles Broke Up" issue. This should hold you over until they put the full article up for free and you can spend your precious money on something worthwhile, like cheap gin.

Tort Reform Unlikely to Cut Health Care Costs
Among the smaller arguments made by Republicans arguing against health care reform, is that they'd like to talk about serious reforms but the Democrats have taken the most important issue off the table (tort reform of medical malpractice lawsuits) because they're run by trial lawyers. It's not an argument you hear often because, let's face it, is has none of the zip of "They're gonna kill granny." But now someone has bothered to look at the issue and has come to the conclusion that...it wouldn't reduce costs at all. Oh well, back to the grandma killing well.

Stephen Fry: In search of the planet's most endangered species
The great Stephen Fry has just finished his newest project: searching out and documenting some of the world's rarest and endangered species. A mission he carries out in honor of his friend, the late author Douglas Adams. He has a book coming out about the journey called Last Chance to See, and the first installment on the journey is up on the Guardian website on the search to find the Giant Jumping Rat of Madagascar and New Zealand's Man-Eating Parrot, which, sadly, isn't 6 feet tall.

iPhone App Finds Disease Outbreaks Near You
Oh iPhone, is there anything you can't do? Now, with the help of your fellow citizens, you can be alerted to when any assholes start plaguing your area with their pig-related AIDS, zombie infections, and Entitilitus. When someone sees evidence of a plague outbreak red pin points appear on a Google map along with links to the news story, nearby medical supply depots that sell flu masks in bulk are identified, and links to guns stores where you can buy shotguns powerful enough to take the head off of one of the shambling undead are highlighted.

Broken News: Jeff Gordon not willing to concede possibility he was riding a horse during last race

Gordon's #24 Chevrolet racecar. Complete with a 90-degree pushrod V-8, cast-iron block, and a Holley four-barrel carburetor.

CHICAGO-At a loss to explain his recent last place finish at Chicagoland Raceway’s Yoplait Light Very Berry Medley 400 last week, NASCAR legend Jeff Gordon is refusing to lend credence to race analyst’s contention that he was riding a horse for the duration of the Sprint Cup Series race.

“I'm insulted that someone would claim that I am unable, after decades spent within the racing industry, to tell the difference between a 3,400-pound Chevrolet and a horse with bumper stickers on its ass,” said the clearly agitated racer during an interview yesterday. “These people are just taking mean-spirited shots at me. I’m not going to take the easy way out and let their baseless accusations provide excuses for why I finished so poorly. To be honest, I felt the car was performing well when we went through pre-race checks. The saddle was on tight and the car had been washed and brushed. I felt like we were going to do well. I just didn’t perform up to my regular level. This one's on me.”

Team insiders are also pointing to other mistakes that could well have hampered Gordon’s performance. Noting the car’s constant unease and easily spooked manner when out on the track, surrounded by the sound, speed, and intensity of the rest of the cars, many are blaming Gordon for failing to calm the startled automobile.

“I’m just saying, the car looked freaked out. Maybe he should have given it a sugar cube or carrot, patted its head or something,” said one disgruntled mechanic. “The fact that the fucking auto’s constant whinnying in its pen the night before left us exhausted come race-day didn’t help either!”

Still, others are pleading with fans not to put the blame on Gordon.

“Look I’m the one that has to get the car prepped, so if anyone is to blame here it’s me,” said Gordon’s pit crew chief Steve Letarte. "During that pit stop on lap 60 we had trouble getting the metal shoes off and putting on the new ones we had forged in our foundry. That kind of thing costs a man precious time. Jeff can’t be blamed for that. And I won’t sit here a let some TV talking head try to say that just because I can’t re-shoe a car right that #24 doesn’t know the difference between a machine and a flesh and blood animal.”

When asked what steps the crew might be taking for the next race, Letarte was unsure. “Certainly, we can improve our timing on the pit stops. That much is easy enough to correct. But we’re going to need to deal with the fact that not only did we finish last, but that by the time the event had ended we had barely even completed a quarter of the race. Try as we might, we just couldn’t get the damn machine to go faster than 37 miles per hour. We’re thinking maybe that was a fuel problem. So next race we’re going to go with more oats and less barley. Maybe even add in some sorghum, see if that makes any difference.”

Sources close to the team even reveal that Gordon’s #24 DuPont Chevrolet Race Team is in talks with Boeing to develop a lighter, more aerodynamic titanium shoe and perhaps a carbon fiber resin they can affix to the car’s hooves in order to help the auto be better able to withstand the tough racetrack tarmac.

“Anything to help take the burden of the car’s brittle legs,” a team official was heard to say.

Team Manager Michael Landis was also eager to announce a partnership with new sponsor, Scrunchie. “With the good people at Scrunchie joining our team, we’ll finally be able to forge ahead, win some races, and get rid of that nagging problem we had last race where the cars mane kept getting in its eyes. Now, our car will be able to see the entire track.”

Even with all the controversy and accusations of animal abuse flying around, Gordon was unwilling to let it affect him. “People can say what they want: that I’m an idiot, that basic cognitive recognition skills elude me, and that my actions are leading to an inevitable finale where NASCAR might have to have my car ‘put down.’ But they can never question my desire to win and perform at the highest level.”

“Isn’t that right, girl?” Gordon asked his car, stroking its muzzle. Just before placing a carrot in his mouth and feeding the car in the warm, affectionate manner typically reserved for spouses, Gordon added, “We’ll show them all at Talladega, won't we? Yeah, baby, that's right.”