It begins...

Few weeks back we made sport of the Georgia state senate for passing a bill banning microchip implantation without prior consent. You may remember it as part of our Mock The South For Any And All Reasons series. Well it turns out that perhaps we were too hasty in our giggling, snorting, and pointing. You see, the Georgia lawmakers blinkered fear on UN black helicopters, microchip implants, and Muslims in the White House may have prevented an epidemic. Well, if anyone actually had microchip implants. Let me explain.

A British scientist says he is the first man in the world to become infected with a computer virus.

Dr Mark Gasson from the University of Reading contaminated a computer chip which was then inserted into his hand. The device, which enables him to pass through security doors and activate his mobile phone, is a sophisticated version of ID chips usedto tag pets.

In trials, Dr Gasson showed that the chip was able to pass on the computer virus to external control systems. If other implanted chips had then connected to the system they too would have been corrupted, he said.

I think you see where this is going. Bible Shit. 666. The End Times. One of the things that can be easily interpreted as being the loosely defined Mark of the Beast. Not only are these microchip implants against what God wants, assuming God is a dowdy technophobe, like we always assume he is, but now they can carry viruses much like we can carry viruses... turning doors and mobile phones against us. The beginnings of the robot war.

I always knew doors would be the first to turn on us. One of man's oldest friends, now an enemy. It's the hinges, I never trusted the hinges. The locking mechanisms always seemed a bit evil as well. I'm not surprised about the cell phones, they've already been trying to kill us with the brain tuor causing radiation.

But there we are: the world's first man infected by a computer virus and virus carrying microchip implants. If Satan is a hacker, this is how he's going to get us all. We all wear his "mark", naively hinking that this will make our lives easier. Beelzebub hacks the global mainframe, turning doors, cell phones, credit card swiping spots at grocery stores, and EZ Pass lanes against us. Robot War and Biblical Armageddon rolled into one. Do you see how I've combined these fears? If I could only find a way to work in zombies.....

So a hearty apology to Georgia. You weren't just baselessly reacting to imaginary fears. You had the foresight to recognize this problem. By the way: The South being ahead of the curve on an issue of technology? Sign of the Apocalypse. I'm just sayin'...

Maths + science

Both Sean and I here are big supporters of education, science, math, and various other things that can loosely be defined as "uppity book shit". Why? Because we've been bought off by Big Book and Big Knowledge. We're huge whores, what can we say?

So we often try to highlight the large Texas sections Texas of this Texas country Texas where people Texans are trying Texas to undermine science and facts, and monkey with our basic educational system. That said, we also know when well intentioned educators are doing things wrong as well. After all, there's a right way to educate and a wrong way to educate. Let's see if you can point out where this next fellow went wrong. Show your work.

The Secret Service investigated an Alabama high school teacher for using the example of shooting President Obama while teaching a geometry lesson.
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A student in the class described the lesson: "He was talking about angles and said, 'If you're in this building, you would need to take this angle to shoot the president.'"

The district superintendent told the News that the unnamed teacher will not be disciplined.

Where do you think the teacher went wrong? Clearly he wasn't accounting for wind resistance, any teleprompters in the way, or podium height. At least he had the decency to cross Medgar Evers' name off this old lesson plan and fill in a new darkie. Gotta make the lessons current, otherwise the kids will never pay attention.

Lest you think we'll just paint Alabama and the South with the same finger wagging brush, we'll have you know that both Sean and I consider this to be progress. In the entirety of this man's lesson he did not once refer to mathematics as "that durned numerical witchcraft", attempt to cast Pythagoras as a heretic, or petition the state to bring back the cubit as a unit of measurement. He even taught the assassination lesson in an unsegregated class. I think you'll agree that this is remarkable progress for not only Alabama, but Southern education as a whole.

So if you're in the Jefferson County area and want to drop in on Corner High School, you might just learn something. Like, say, the chemistry teacher teaching the proper gasoline to frozen orange juice concentrate measurements for homemade napalm in case that pesky local IRS building keeps infuriating you or the English Department's curriculum guidelines for their Turner Diaries unit. If you stick around, you might just get to enjoy the Phys Ed Department's George Wallace themed Field Day wheelchair races.

Video of the day

Are you afraid of the UN's black helicopters, government microchip implants, spy satellites that read your thoughts, CIA satellites that cause earthquakes, lizard replicants with plots to overthrow human society, ghosts, TV's and microwaves emitting thought control waves, and alien related cattle mutilations/rectal probing? Well then you would of course want these issues dressed by state of local government, right? Well then, Georgia is the state for you. On the microchip implantation thing. All the others are still valid fears.

That's right, the Georgia Senate has passed a law banning microchip implementation without consent based on the testimony of a crazy person. Seriously. The two state legislators who sponsored the legislation were named Chip. Seriously.

It made it onto a news broadcast and everything.



We at These Bastards would just like to commend Georgia for being so pro-active in addressing this threat. Now could you bother to release proper guidelines on tinfoil hat construction? I have all kinds of thought that the NSA is mind-reading... as we speak! They could be in possession of numerous Joe Biden satire pieces that I haven't even fully written yet. They could be cornering the market on childish, swear ridden, low readership blogs! I need those hat guidelines! Get on it!

Rad

Former disgraced House Speaker and small salamander namesake Newt Gingrich has had a tough time over the last few months. He's still egotistical and deluded enough that he thinks the country is clamoring for a Gingrich Presidency, so in turn he has to keep himself on the public eye. To that end he has taken to a slightly schizophrenic method of trying to keep his name out there, alternately trying to come off as not one of those crazy Palin-esque nutbag right wingers to the general public and as trying to come off as the King of the crazy Palin-esque nutbag right wingers to the GOP base. It's a tough tightrope to walk, especially when you have no principles.

So yesterday Newt was at the Southern Republican Leadership Conference in New Orleans. Among the notable things was the inability of anyone there to actually mention Hurricane Katrina. As an aside, what do you think were the main bullet points in the presentation on Southern Republican "leadership"? I'm guessing "crazy it up a little, a black guy is in office", "try not to be too racist, a black guy is in office", and "don't fuck mistresses in Argentina". Anyway Newt got up there to remind everyone what they were up against.

Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich, a potential presidential candidate in 2012, called Barack Obama on Thursday "the most radical president in American history" who oversees a "secular, socialist machine."
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"The most radical president in American history has now thrown down the gauntlet to the American people: 'I run a machine. I own Washington and there's nothing you can do about it,'" Gingrich said. He urged his fellow Republicans to stop what he called Obama's "secular, socialist machine."

I was going to come up with some snark about Newt and his statement, but then our crack research staff uncovered something that proved his declaration that Obama was the most radical President in US history:



I think we all have to agree... that's pretty fucking radical! Maybe even tubular, stoked, bodacious, bitchin', boss, primo, or something that makes you say 'cowabunga' while doing some air guitar.

It's just a shame Obama couldn't be photographed catching air on his own branded line of skateboards.

So yeah, Obama is definitely the most radical goddamn President in US history. Unless someone finds a picture of Teddy Roosevelt jumping 20 school buses on a red, white, and blue motorcycle. Good call, Newt. I'm not sure about the "secular, socialist machine" part, but if that machine has giant claw hands, tank treads, the face of a mechanical dragon, rocket thrusters, and shoots lasers, well, I think Obama has the radical thing all sewed up.

Perhaps I was too hasty...

You know earlier I awarded the understatement of the day the Jerusalem city officials over their "zoning issues" comment on the Middle East peace process. I think I might have jumped the gun. I clearly forgot about Southern Republican's capacity for racial insensitivity and treason celebration.

As you might be aware, April is Confederate History Month as so declared by Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell. Quick historical recap: they seceded, piles of bodies, we put boot to ass, four score and seven, yay North! It is also African American Woman's Fitness Month, National Car Care Month, Irritable Bowel Syndrome Month, Holy Humor Month, Soy Foods Month, and National Straw Hat Month. It's a busy month. But in his declaration of National Traitor Appreciation Confederate History Month, Governor McDonnell forgot to leave out one tiny thing about the war that all previous governors seemed to have remembered. I'll let you guess which one. Hint: it involved the blacks.

McDonnell said Tuesday that the move was designed to promote tourism in the state, which next year will mark the 150th anniversary of the start of the war. McDonnell said he did not include a reference to slavery because “there were any number of aspects to that conflict between the states. Obviously, it involved slavery. It involved other issues. But I focused on the ones I thought were most significant for Virginia.“

Yes, there were any number of aspects to the Civil War, Bob. Sure, there were other issues. Sure that business with the dark ones was kind of sort of tangentially involved with what Confederates appreciated. However I'm going to go out on a limb here and speak for historians: slavery... yeah it kinda was one of the larger issues. Some might say the largest one. I don't want to speak out of turn, but I think the consensus is in on that one.

So I think Bobby is in contention for Understatement of the Day. Yeah, reducing slavery into just one of the many issues and aspects surrounding the Civil War and one not even significant enough to warrant a mention? Yeah, that's going to fit in nicely.

I don't know, maybe we need to start up a National Southern Education About Slavery Month or Admitting You Are Celebrating Atrocities and Treason in Your Defense of the Confederacy Month. Maybe they could be this month. We'll just bump Prevent Lyme Disease in Dogs Month, National Pecan Month, or Women's Eye Health and Safety Month to May in order to free up some space.

Arkansas explained

There's one thing an Arkansan will tell you: possum is good eatin'. But also that there's a better chance that they'll vote for you if you have a down home, homespun nickname. And aren't black. But they'd really prefer if you had a Hee-Haw level moniker that was also possibly a pork byproduct.

And this is the dilemma that one Colonel Conrad Reynolds, a Republican looking to unseat the awful Blanche Lincoln, has found out. He isn't allowed to use his military title as a nickname. Because it isn't as classy as 'Booger', 'Boner', or 'Hog Lips'. Seriously, it's Arkansas law.

Under state law, already-elected officials can use their titles on the ballot. People seeking office can use a nickname – and many do when no one can recollect their given names. But the law prohibits professional or honorary titles from being used as nicknames.

Reynolds said the law is unfair to him and to voters. He said he believes the law should allow military ranks to be included as part of a candidate's title or a nickname. Reynolds said he would consider challenging the state's decision

Many choose to use nicknames when no one can recollect their given names? Seriously? Someone goes by 'Cooter' for so long that everyone in his family forgets he was named John? If only there were some sort of state issued certificate indicating birth, that also included the given name as well as other pertinent data. But I guess it's ironic that some of the very people claiming that Obama show them his durned birth certificate so they can prove he ain't no Mooslum, can't find their own?

But we agree with Reynolds. When you're running in a race with guys going by 'Porky', 'Two', and 'Bubba', it should be fine to go by 'Colonel' especially when you're a real colonel and not just a chubby fried chicken aficionado. I mean he is running in a Republican primary, if he isn't able to scream "I was in the fucking military! Freedom! Flag! Eagle!" as loud as he can, it's barely worth running. Letting the man go by 'Colonel' will hardly degrade Arkansas politics any lower. That, quite frankly, is impossible.

Down with the union!

Look we all know that health care reform is many things. A nefarious conspiracy to murder the Greatest Generation, a liberal communist socialist plot to retroactively rape the founding fathers, Nazism, an affront to God, and the personification of all various forms of wars, atrocities, historical black marks, and the work of evil men.

In recent days we've been getting even more specific criticisms of what reform is like. Lindsay Graham mused that it was just like when the dirty japs got all liquored up on sake and made kamikaze runs on our warships. Glenn Beck disagreed. He feels that reform is like when the dirty japs bombed us at Pearl Harbor. In any event I think we know one thing: the passage of health care is a revenge plot from Emperor Hirohito, Japan sucks, and Sunday might just be the day that lives in infamy.

But Rep. Paul Broun of Georgia has other ideas. Health care reform is like the bloodiest conflict in US history... but in a bad way.

BROUN: If ObamaCare passes, that free insurance card that’s in people’s pockets is gonna be as worthless as a Confederate dollar after the War Between The States — the Great War of Yankee Aggression.

OK, that wasn't so much a critique of health reform as it was a cheap way to get indignant about Lincoln. Free insurance card? What the hell is that? Plus, the reason Confederate money was so worthless is because they lost the Civil War. By the way, that's what we call it: the Civil War. Or, alternately, the Great War of Southern Treason. In any event, this marks an improvement in Broun's rhetoric as he previously was warning his constituents about how Obama had taken the necessary steps to declare martial law and rule as a dictator.

Maybe this is just part of a new "late 19th century Reconstruction-era racism" bent to health reform criticism. Many have taken up calling reform reparations for black people. Like Glenn Beck. Becuase if there's one thing worse than the descent into socialism, it's the idea that the descent into socialism will result in blacks getting stuff, which is against the founding principles of this country.

So let me reassure the Broun's, Beck's, and Limbaugh's of the world: even if health reform does pass whites will still have considerably more shit than black people. Regrettably though, the South will still have lost the Civil War. So there's a positive and negative flipside to that coin. Sorry, and might I add: THE UNION FOREVER!

I like the sound of this

It seems that this might be the week that Democrats finally get off their asses to begin taken the steps to considering having the House vote on the Senate bill and the Senate using reconciliation to pass the conference committee changes to the health care bills that they already passed.

But that second part, the reconciliation part, has some of our friends on the GOP side screaming bloody murder. See, reconciliation isn't supposed to be used to pass things like health care, it's supposed to be used to pass things like tax cuts for the rich that add $1.8 trillion to the deficit. And even then, only Republicans are allowed to do it. But Sen. Lamar Alexander, not only sees the danger of reconciliation, he's warning us of possible horrible horrors that await.

"But the difference here is, that there’s never been anything of this size and magnitude and complexity run through the Senate in this way. There are a lot of technical problems with it, which we could discuss. It would turn the Senate, it would really be the end of the Senate as a protector of minority rights, the place where you have to get consensus, instead of just a partisan majority."

Wait, so not only would this country improve it's health care and coverage systems... it would also end the Senate? Theoretically end, fundamentally end, or end in a fiery explosion that sends flame covered blowhards from Tennessee cartwheeling through the sky and into the Potomac? And it's it's the third one, can the Senate end that way by the weekend and can we get extensive HD coverage of it?

I just want to know how the four previous times Alexander voted for reconciliation didn't end the Senate. Maybe it's a cumulative thing.

I wonder why Democrats would have to take this extraordinary, Senate murdering step to trample over the "minority right" of the GOP to completely halt any attempt at governance? Could perhaps an unrelated news article explain it to me?

Last year, the first of the 111th Congress, there were a record 112 cloture votes. In the first two months of 2010, the number already exceeds 40.

That means, with 10 months left to run in the 111th Congress, Republicans have turned to the filibuster or threatened its use at a pace that will more than triple the old record.

Seems to me like that's the sort of thing that should be combated with the tyranny of majority rule. Majority rule, of course, being confined to measures that slightly modify already passed bills that only affects the budgetary process and does not add to the deficit.

So sure, I'd like it if we might get to have a semi-functional government again and get health care. But if it throws GOP Senators into a hilarious hissy fit and destroys the US Senate? Then I'm doubly for it. Triple even. Get destroying.

Jesus map

Gallup has gone out and shown use a definitive map of why large swaths of the South and Midwest infects so many regressive policies, terrible politicians, and grinds the progress of this country to a halt who in this country loves Jesus the hardest.

The winner? Mississippi at 63% weekly church attendance, followed by Alabama at 58%, and South Carolina, Utah, and Louisiana at 56%. Who wishes they could re-crucify the Lord, if he was actually real and only if they could delude themselves into believing in such a fanciful myth? Vermont at 23%, followed by Massachusetts, New Hampshire, and Maine all clocking in at under 30%.

On a whole the country got 0.7% more religious from 2008-2009, with much of the South getting anywhere from 2-5% more religious. And who can blame them, what with the financial collapse and that black guy who is about to steal all the stuff from white people in order to give it to black people?

I know you're asking, "Isn't this just a definitive map of where and why all the political problems in this country come from?" I'll just nod silently in agreement and we can share a knowing glance.

So congrats to Mississippi, you won the 2009 God Bowl! You're probably in church right now, so why don't you pray for victory in 2010. I'm sure you can crank it up to 70%.

You're going to need to fill that form out in triplicate

What is the best way to fight terrorism? As Americans we know that it is by some combination of indiscriminate bombings, poorly conceived and executed wars, and enhanced interrogations that involve some for of simulating drowning, barking dogs, or perhaps drowning combined with barking dogs in diving bells. This much is clear.

But what if you're a state of limited intelligence, possibly with a potable water and angry dog shortage? Well then you have to 23-skiddoo an idea of the top of your cranium. What do you think about fighting terrorism with the bureaucracy?

SUBVERSIVE ACTIVITIES REGISTRATION ACT

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For the purposes of this chapter the following words, phrases and terms are defined as follows:

(1) "Subversive organization" means every corporation, society, association, camp, group, bund, political party, assembly, body or organization, composed of two or more persons, which directly or indirectly advocates, advises, teaches or practices the duty, necessity or propriety of controlling, conducting, seizing or overthrowing the government of the United States, of this State or of any political subdivision thereof by force or violence or other unlawful means;
...
SECTION 23-29-60. Registration of members of subversive and foreign-controlled organizations.

Every member of a subversive organization, or an organization subject to foreign control, every foreign agent and every person who advocates, teaches, advises or practices the duty, necessity or propriety of controlling, conducting, seizing or overthrowing the government of the United States, of this State or of any political subdivision thereof by force or violence or other unlawful means, who resides, transacts any business or attempts to influence political action in this State, shall register with the Secretary of State on the forms and at the times prescribed by him.

And what should happen if your terrorist organization fails to file with the state and provide a list of members before it burns down a black church, bombs the statehouse, or attempts to fly a single engine Cessna into Myrtle Beach's third largest Stuckey's? Those terrorists are subject to "a fine of not more than twenty-five thousand dollars or imprisonment for not more than ten years, or by both fine and imprisonment"

So c'mon terrorists, it's only five bucks. That's pretty cheap. Besides, you don't want to add bureaucratic form and registration violations to the mass murder, beloved rest stop desecration, and explosion related charges you'll be subject to should your plans to attack the vital American state of South Carolina come to fruition. That's just adding insult to injury.

Failure to properly heed our bureaucratic obligations is the last refuge of the scoundrel. Don't be one of those terrorists.

Love is in the air

With Valentine's day fast approaching and the fact that These Bastards is the #6 site on the web for dating, marriage, and general romance advice (as voted in a 1996 poll by the citizens of Bolivia), it's time that we handed out some tips to prospective brides out there.

We know the lure to wed a state politician is high, what with the intoxicating thrill of state governance and the lure that someday you could be married to a state comptroller. But sometimes those starry dreams of state level political fame are tarnished by bizarre episodes involving Argentina and the Appalachian Trail, so it's best you might want to heed TB Romance Tip For Lovers #2 (#1: be wary of a man with a trunk full of Quicklime and shovels). Be aware of small signs on your wedding day that might presage future problems.

South Carolina first lady Jenny Sanford recalls how she made the "leap of faith" to marry husband Gov. Mark Sanford even though the groom refused to promise to be faithful, insisting that the clause be removed from their wedding vows.

"It bothered me to some extent, but ... we were very young, we were in love," she said in an exclusive interview with Barbara Walters to air on "20/20" Friday. "I questioned it, but I got past it ... along with other doubts that I had."

Well, at least he was being honest and didn't want to violate any oaths he took. You can say many things about the man, but you can't say he didn't have foresight and a vision for the future.

Another tip for all you lovers out there: be wary of someone who seems to be trying to set a sort of cheapness world record. Not only isn't it a Guinness recognized world record, any organization that recognizes that achievement is going to be too cheap to spring for a plaque memorializing it.

"He drew me a picture of a half a bike, and then for the next birthday or Christmas I got the picture of the other half a bike, and then he delivered the $25 used bike," she recalled.

For another birthday, Mark Sanford gave her a diamond necklace, which she adored, but then he took it back.

A long term planner, doesn't make vows he doesn't plan to honor, handy with a visual aide, fiscally responsible, hiking enthusiast, and travels abroad; it's easy to see why the voters of South Carolina responded to Mark Sanford so well.

S0 ladies, if you follow our three tips (especially the one about avoiding being murdered with a shovel and buried in the woods), you'll be well on your way to finding that perfect man.

An announcement

It is with great sadness that I have to announce that effective immediately, Sean and I will be shutting down These Bastards. Now I know this comes as a tremendous blow to our billions upon billions of fans who have spent the past year plus organizing and building a society around the way we bitch about politics, mock religion, and do fake news, but it's time. "Why?" you might ask. Four words: whites only basketball league. Sean and I have to get ready for tryouts.

A new professional basketball league called the All-American Basketball Alliance (AABA) sent out a press release on Sunday saying that it intends to start its inaugural season in June, with teams in 12 U.S. cities. However, the AABA is different from other sports leagues because only players who are “natural born United States citizens with both parents of Caucasian race are eligible to play in the league.”
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“There’s nothing hatred about what we’re doing,” he said. “I don’t hate anyone of color. But people of white, American-born citizens are in the minority now. Here’s a league for white players to play fundamental basketball, which they like.”
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“Would you want to go to the game and worry about a player flipping you off or attacking you in the stands or grabbing their crotch?” he said. “That’s the culture today, and in a free country we should have the right to move ourselves in a better direction.”

We do have one suggestion: call it the National Blacklessball Association. Otherwise we're proud to join the sporting equivalent of the teabaggers movement. In fact that's the team Sean and I will be trying out for; the Nashville Teabaggers. Other teams will include the Statesboro Defenders of White Cultural Heritage and the Birmingham Members of a Certain Secret Society... I Don't Believe I Gotta Mention Its Name, Heh-Heh.

So if you're like us and you hate taking a basketball beat down from Negroes making showboat passes, pretending the ball is a yo-yo, bringing out a step ladder onto the court, employing a bucket full of confetti, all the while whistling "Sweet Georgia Brown", then there's a place for you: 1930's Alabama. Also: one of 12 cities that are part of the AABA, starting in June.

Ahh, a league bereft of blacks and Argentinians... it's a dream come true. Frankly the opportunity to strike it rich in a regional all white basketball league is the only thing that could make Sean and I stop the unending money spigot that is a news commentary and political satire blog. But we've just got to practice our layups and set-shots. The white man has been oppressed for too long. Now whites will finally have something of our own.

Good morning, this is why we keep Alabama around

Southern justice

South Carolina Panel Rejects Impeachment of Governor

A South Carolina legislative subcommittee decided Wednesday not to recommend the impeachment of Gov. Mark Sanford, saying that his secret trip to Argentina and extramarital affair did not meet the state constitutional standard of “serious crimes or serious misconduct.” The panel instead opted to recommend a formal reprimand of Mr. Sanford.

The matter now goes to the full House Judiciary Committee, which is to meet next Wednesday and could still vote to send an impeachment resolution to the House floor. But the subcommittee’s 6-to-1 decision seemed to make such a development unlikely.

Some of you might be confused as to how a man can do what he did and stave off anything but a verbal reprimand from the authorities. See, that's because you're applying logic to this situation. You thought this was a legal process when it was actually it's a giant experiment in the process of elimination. A comprehensive study to see just how much can one get away with and retain the governorship of his state. Apparently philandering, embezzlement of state funds and dereliction of duty just doesn't cut it. But, with a hefty grant from the Chubb Group and further scientific study, God willing we'll soon we'll have a handle on just what you have to do to get kicked out of office in the South.

As for Sanford, he'd have commented on his political salvation but he was too busy celebrating on the Appalachian Trail. For real this time.

Today in weird GOP racism

First there's the case of the gift that keeps on giving: Sarah Palin and her new book. Seems that she had a rather interesting reason for transferring out of the University of Hawaii, aside from the fact that lurking nearby was the sham birth certificated menace that would one day control the media conspiracy against her. See, Asians make her feel funny.

But Palin’s father, Chuck Heath, gave a different account to Conroy and Walshe. According to him, the presence of so many Asians and Pacific Islanders made her uncomfortable: “They were a minority type thing and it wasn’t glamorous, so she came home.”

This is why Sean and I are donating to the Palin 2012 campaign. This woman can not be allowed to go away for any reason. As a side note, Minority Type Thing just happens to be my favorite Stone Temple Pilots song.

But there's basic racism and there's our new favorite brand of racism: Obama inspired crazed rant racism. We knew that electing a black man was just going to screw with your fringe constituents and southern lawmakers pretty good. Hell, we didn't even like Barry, we were just in it for the imagined racial comedy. That's why were so glad that men like Arlington, Tennessee Mayor Russell Wiseman exist. Otherwise we wouldn't have gotten this beautiful Facebook rant on Obama's decision to talk on the TV about the Afghan troop escalation.

The second term mayor wrote, "Ok, so, this is total crap, we sit the kids down to watch 'The Charlie Brown Christmas Special' and our muslim president is there, what a load.....try to convince me that wasn't done on purpose. Ask the man if he believes that Jesus Christ is the Son of God and he will give you a 10 minute disertation (sic) about it....w...hen the answer should simply be 'yes'...."
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"...you obama people need to move to a muslim country...oh wait, that's America...pitiful...you know, our forefathers had it written in the original Constitution that ONLY property owners could vote, if that has stayed in there, things would be different..."

See what happens when someone fucks with a man's Charlie Brown? You get bizarre, misspelled rants against Muslims and the basic concept of Democracy. I'm just glad Obama didn't preempt Rudolph, otherwise we might have had a full blown race war on our hands.

You know even though he is kind of fucking up health care (or at least aiding and abetting its fuckup in the Senate) and his record on war on terror related measures has been less than inspiring, this Obama Presidency is working out better than expected just for shit like this. It's a shame he didn't pick a Latin guy as his VP.

Time for me to blow your fucking minds

Pew (pew pew) has a new poll out on Obama's popularity numbers. All in all what we come to expect, in the low fifties, more popular with women and youth, blah blah blah. But get ready for some surprising shit. Guess who Obama is really unpopular with:

With independents over the age of 50 -- just 37%.
Among whites in the South -- 33%
Among white independents -- 39%
Among white evangelicals -- 28%
Among everyone over 65 -- 44%
Among those earning more than $75,000 -- 44%

Sweet Jesus, who would have ever guessed? He's not popular with rich, old, white, male evangelicals from the South! Next you're going to tell me that he's popular with blacks and Democrats.

I'm not saying your poll is useless, Pew. It is nice to have popularity numbers as a whole. I'm just saying don't bother to tabulate certain numbers. Just put "You're kidding, right? Take a fucking guess" where the white, southern evangelical numbers should be and let your polsters skip out of work a few minutes early feeling good that they didn't waste precious time coming to an obvious conclusion.

Stay classy, South Carolina

Listen South Carolina, I know it hasn't been a good year for you. You governor went patrolling for Argentine trim on the "Appalachian Trail", you had that congressman yell out "you lie" during the President's health care speech, you had one of your county GOP chairs make a gorilla/Michelle Obama racist crack, and you have the House Majority Whip saying that the First Lady can't visit the state because of Secret Service/White House concerns over her safety. With all that and your....we'll say "checkered" racial history, why would any politician from your state think it was a good idea to interject Jewish stereotypes into a purported defense of Senator Jim "Make health care Obama's Waterloo" DeMint.

There is a saying that the Jews who are wealthy got that way not by watching dollars, but instead by taking care of the pennies and the dollars taking care of themselves. By not using earmarks to fund projects for South Carolina and instead using actual bills, DeMint is watching our nation’s pennies and trying to preserve our country’s wealth and our economy’s viability to give all an opportunity to succeed.

Oof. Ronan Tynan feels your pain. I'm just glad no one from your state GOP remembered any Jewish banking conspiracy theories during the whole bailout period. I guess you were all still worked up over the black President thing and prepping your really good Obama/gorilla material and aspirin related racist jokes. Just a suggestion: if the next time you or any politician in the state wants to make a joke, comparison, defense, or attack on something and the first thing that pops into your head is a racist stereotype, pause and try to think of something else. If you can't think of anything other than racist stereotypes then that's God telling you that you shouldn't talk in public ever.

Sin maps

Wrath
Number of violent crimes (murder, assault, and rape) per capita.

Lust
Number of STD cases reported per capita.

via Wired comes the American Vice series, in which Kansas State took the seven deadly sins and mapped out in relation to per capita rates of said sins. Surprises? There is no place in the US that has a below average number of fast food restaurants. Appalachia is below the national average in STD's as hogs and sheep don't give the clap. What do we learn from the series? Texas, the South, and America's Wang are consistently dragging us down in God's eyes. Hopefully Jesus doesn't decide to throw the baby out with the bathwater. Just sink the South into the sea, as well of parts of California and NY/DC.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 08.25

The Baucus White Paper: The Plan
To be mad at Max Baucus for the way he has been handling the Finance Committee's health care negotiations is one thing. But if you really want to get mad at him, and I mean blindingly, white hot seeing red mad, just go back and read his white paper from November of last year for his own plans for health care reform. Employer mandates, a strong Heath Insurance Exchange, and a strong public insurance option. In short, a plan that is not only more liberal than any of the bills under consideration, but one that is considerably more liberal (and more helpful) than anything he's even allowing his own committee to consider. Boo this man.

CIA Bio Says 9/11 Mastermind’s Days in N.C. ‘Helped Propel Him to Terrorism
According to CIA reports, it seems that time that Khalid Sheikh Mohammed spent in school in North Carolina sent him on the path towards terrorism by proving to him that "the United States was a debauched and racist country". All I can say is thank God he didn't go to school in South Carolina otherwise those planes might have had nukes on them. Not that he would have had much of a chance at survival in SC. The treacherous mountain of Afghanistan are one thing, but the Appalachians are another.

GOP Tees Up Medicare Manifesto
The GOP is starting up it's campaign to vigorously defend Medicare and Medicaid from any tampering from nefarious Democrats. It's nice that heir contribution to health care is going to be to gin up another fake issue that isn't happening and vow valiantly to defend it from invisible menace. Though it is nice to see Republicans swear their allegiance to a government run single payer health care system like Medicare. If only that massive bit of hypocrisy could be used in some way.

Obama nominates Ben Bernanke for a second Fed term
Ahh, Ben Bernanke is awarded his rightful place and our Eternal Money Overlord. Why? Because I guess he cuts checks to the financial sector better than anyone else. It's certainly not for his predictive power or a magic ability to lower interest rates below zero. It's good to know that everyone thinks he's the right man for the job. Why? Because he has the job. And really, that's all we need to know about him or his many varied secretive actions that incur little oversight.

Hospitals May Face Severe Disruption in Swine Flu’s U.S. Return
Oh sure you thought Porcine AIDS was dead. That's just what the nasty little pig virus wanted you to think. Now it's just lying in wait and according to the President's Council of Advisers on Science and Technology (fresh from their eight year exile at bible camp) infect half the US population within the next year. That's right: THE APOCALYPSE IS BACK ON!!!!! The only question is if it will take the form of the much discussed the Stand scenario, or have new movies like the Book of Eli and the Road presaged our impending post-apocalyptic wandering doom?

What every American should be made to learn about the IG Torture Report
Glenn Greenwald compiles an interesting list of torture tidbits from the IG Torture Report that you should be exited to learn was done in your name. This ought to give you a nice base of outrage for the impending sham investigations of lower level grunts that Eric Holder and the Justice Department are about to undertake.

Grampa's off his meds

Just a suggestion to all bystanders, friends, and family of really old, really white, really Southern Republicans and ex-Democrats who decide that they suddenly want to opine on the black guy in the White House: grab them, muzzle them, and kindly escort them to a facility that dispenses mint juleps and has a constant loop of the Dukes of Hazzard theme playing. Otherwise you get a Zell Miller situation.

Former U.S. Sen. Zell Miller criticized President Barack Obama's recent travels overseas, telling a group of mostly Republican lawmakers Thursday that the White House Chief of Staff needs to put "Gorilla Glue" on Obama's chair to keep him in the Oval Office.

"Our globe-trotting president needs to stop and take a break and quit gallivanting around," said Miller

Yeah. Someone tell Zell about Elmer's glue. Tell him how's it's fairly popular, sticky, and how the name Elmer and Elmer related things don't have a large history of racial connotations behind them. It'll serve him well next time he decides to combine a glue reference with black guys and take a strong whack on the uppity effete liberal homo bell.