Jobblog

As These Bastards is the foremost economics blog on the web, it is our duty to bring you the most cutting edge economic theories going. Mostly these have to do with the flagging job market where there are somewhere in the neighborhood of five applicants for every opening.

Now most of the new economic theories from our elected betters seemed to stem from them plugging their ears and yelling "Get a job anyway you lazy wretches, stop freeloading on the less than $12 grand a year in unemployment you would be theoretically getting if we in Congress could ever pass a jobs bill. You're all probably on drugs." You know, America's lazy peasant problem.

So we feel it's necessary to highlight any new solutions to our joblessness problem, for you: the unemployed hobo reading this while eating a tin of beans underneath a highway underpass. Don't deny it; we know that's 90% of our audience. We have the Google Metrics.

First up is Minnesota GOP candidate for governor Tom Emmer, who is chuffed that some bitch waitress expected a tip last night after she slowly delivered drinks that the asshole bartender was watering down.

Tom Emmer, the GOP-endorsed candidate for governor, told reporters at the Eagle Street Grille in St. Paul on Monday that the minimum wage for service workers who earn tips should be cut. Some waiters and bartenders, he noted, can earn as much as $100,000 a year, which he said is unfair to the employers that hire them.
...
Minnesota is one of few states that does not follow the federal minimum wage for tip-earners — $2.13 an hour. Instead, tip-earners make $5.25 to $7.25 an hour in addition to tips. Emmer says that hurts businesses’ bottom lines.

“Government can only inhibit business, can only keep it from growing, as opposed to creating jobs,” he said. “Right now, we have too much of it, guys. We’ve got to pull government back.”

I know. This economy would be right back on track if bartending and waitressing, two of the most lucrative and desirable jobs in America, nay, the world, we treated like the slave labor they were. I'm tired of these six figure waitresses killing businesses with their minimum wage salaries. Hasn't anyone ever heard of being grateful to be allowed inside an air conditioned building for a ten hour shift? Maybe you repay that shelter from the elements by serving a few drinks or a club sandwich or two without collapsing the world economy. Is that to much to ask, waitresses?

By the way, I'm going to need you to split this check.

On the other hand, potentially crazy... you know, what, I'm going to drop the "potentially" part. Crazy Democratic South Carolina U.S. Senate candidate Alvin Greene has another plan to help revive the job market. By employing people in what I'm sure is the seriously flagging Alvin Greene doll making industry.

"Another thing we can do for jobs is make toys of me, especially for the holidays. Little dolls. Me. Like maybe little action dolls. Me in an army uniform, air force uniform, and me in my suit. They can make toys of me and my vehicle, especially for the holidays and Christmas for the kids. That's something that would create jobs. So you see I think out of the box like that. It's not something a typical person would bring up. That's something that could happen, that makes sense. It's not a joke."

That is outside the box. Like outside of a padded box after the dose of medication they gave you didn't have any effect, then you overpowered seven guards before throwing a water fountain through the window, climbing out, and running to freedom. Luckily the reporter was able to finish the interview without being skinned and Alvin using his face as a mask.

So there you have it, the solutions to our problems: stop tipping rich waitresses and start making dolls of a weird Senate candidate. We'll be back on our feet in no time.

Larry Flynt: Patriot

There are many celebrities stepping forward with varied plans to help combat the Gulf oil spill. We all know about Kevin Costner's plan and that James Cameron offered up his help, but we've heard very little from the pron/smut community. Until now.

Enter Larry Flynt, patriot and pornographer, who has his own solution: he wants one of Louisiana's Senators to employ the perversion that he used to engage in with hookers to help clean up the Gulf. Let us hear him out.

Dear Senator Vitter:

Forgive me for intruding on your valuable time. I know you are a very busy man, especially in regards to the current problems in the Gulf of Mexico. But that's exactly what I want to talk to you about. I concur that everybody must do their part to solve this serious catastrophe. And that's where I think you, in particular, can be of so much help.

As I understand it, you have some expertise regarding diapers. I have no idea how many diapers you actually have on hand (quite a collection from what I hear) but as you know, diapers are quite absorbent. So, when it comes to blocking the oil that's gushing into the Gulf, they might be a very effective way of solving that problem. With that in mind, I urge you to donate your extensive diaper collection to BP so they can use them to stop the leak by creating, for want of a better term, a giant "plug."

It could be a historic moment: An ecological disaster thwarted. And you'll get the credit for it. In fact, when people hear the word "diaper" they will automatically think of you. Hell, they already do.
Please don't piss away this golden opportunity.

Sincerely,

Larry Flynt
Publisher
Hustler

Flynt continues “Senator Vitter has gone on record claiming that the oil spill in the Gulf is ‘too big of an endeavor’ for one company. Accordingly, in an effort to protect the coastlines and marshes on the Gulf Coast, I am asking Senator Vitter to use the personal articles that he’s best known for to aid in the relief. His experience in the discipline of ‘spills’ is unprecedented.”

We would like to commend Flynt for this suggestion and the initial work he engaged in to expose Vitter and the DC prostitution ring. We hope Senator Vitter takes Larry up on the offer. It's not like reminding people of your shady sexual past and your hypocrisy would actually cause you to slip below 50% in the polls LOUISIANA WHAT THE FUCK? At the very least you could towel down a few pelicans. Think about it.

Electric earth

Gophers. I hate them, you hate them, we all hate them. Tunneling in here, taking our jobs. By gophers I mean Mexicans. They tunnel in here too, right? I'm not sure. I think I may have mixed up a racist metaphor here. Maybe I need Rand Paul to explain other similarities between underground dwelling tunneling mammals and Mexicans looking to cross the border, otherwise his new suggestion for the border doesn't make much sense.

Republican Senatorial candidate Rand Paul wants to build a fence along the U.S.-Mexico border. It's a rather ho-hum proposition in the larger context of conservative ideas -- except that Paul wants that fence to be electric and he wants it built underground.

Among the variety of proposals to stem illegal immigration along the southern border, the construction of an underground electrical fence appears to stand alone on the extreme. ... Indeed, when approached in the halls of Senate several weeks ago and asked about the idea (though not told who proposed it), National Republican Senate Committee Chair John Cornyn (R-Tex.) assumed it was a joke.

"I have not heard that," the Texas Republican said. "Underground? What would happen? How would that work?"

That's actually a good question and one that Paul's campaign won't answer. His website says only the following: "My plans include an underground electric fence, with helicopter stations to respond quickly to breaches of the border." The details of how it would be built, what it would take to make it work and how much it would cost are left unanswered.

Surely this is all just a massive misunderstanding over a typo. Surely he means an electronic fence. Something that monitors the border... electronically. Not some sort of fence that shocks people if they touch it... only buried underground. No? He repeatedly mentions it on his website and in public? Whoo boy.

Alright, I'm no electrical expert. I'm only tangentially related to a couple of electricians (father and brother). But the way I understand electricity, other than the fact that it involves high tech lighting bolt capture and that elves force it out the magic holes in our walls, is that it involves this concept called "Grounding". Wherein there are means and methods employed to prevent contact with dangerous voltages if electrical insulation. There are many ways to "ground" an electrical system, but they all stem from the fact that the physical ground, aka dirt, is a zero voltage conductor that can absorb an near limitless amount of current. In other words: you can't fucking electrify the ground no matter how many fences you bury underneath it.

You would think a doctor, no matter if it is one who certified himself, would understand this. Nope. He wants to spend at least a billion dollars building the underground electrical fence in the hopes that the pure force of his libertarian ideals will electrify the ground.... or in effort to stop what he must assume are a large number of Mexicans that tunnel in to this country.

Eh, I'm for it. It'll be a less egregious waste of money than most of the stuff we do. Plus it'll give us the moment where a bunch of technicians explain to Rand why his plan to bury fences and pump volts into the earth hasn't seemed to work on anything except the Southwestern Border Gopher and the moment where he rushes over to Google, types in "electric" then "electronic", slaps his forehead, and then says something like "Maybe.... we should.... increase the.... watts?" That's worth a billion or two, right?

Retro crazy

Harry Reid is a happy man. The terminally pathetic Senate Majority Leader was looking to get handily trounced in his re-election efforts. Mostly because of the pathetic spinelessness thing. But he's seen his fortunes rise as it was revealed that almost all of his Republican opponents were crazy.

The biggest battle in the GOP primary was between two women: Sharron Angle, a teabagger, and Sue Lowden, the one who wanted our health care system to be based on the barter of chickens. In the end, last night, Reid lucked out as the crazier one won. By which I mean the teabagger.

But, lest we think we're about to enter a grand new era of crazy conspiracies about government run concentration camps, secession, abortion causing breast cancer, eliminating social security and medicare, and other various fringey talking points, Angle wants you to know that she's bringing back some of the classics in paranoid American conspiracy theories. I'm talking about fluoridation.

The Las Vegas Review-Journal reported in April 1999 that the state assembly, of which Angle was a member, voted 26-16 for a bill that required fluoridation in two counties including the cities of Reno and Las Vegas.
...
Before the vote, Assemblywoman Sharron Angle, R-Reno, sought to postpone the vote so she could add an amendment to block fluoridation in Washoe County. The Washoe County Commission in 1992 rejected fluoridation, and Angle said the Legislature should not approve fluoridation in her county.
...
[Bill proponent Chris Giunchigliani] attributed the reluctance of Angle and others to back the bill to its potential financial effect on Washoe County.

But Angle said she simply does not like fluoride.

So, if you're looking for a Senate candidate who is looking out to protect your precious bodily fluids from contamination by the international Communist conspiracy, Sharron Angle is the woman for you. They will not sap and impurify out precious bodily fluids!

In case you were wondering, that's the only way to make Harry Reid a palatable alternative. Amazing that the Nevada GOP found a way to do it. Stunning really.

Not the time, David

Yesterday we learned about the poor, poor BP executives, the hardships they're going through, and how Americans are callously withholding their sympathy for shitbags who cause oil spills.

Sure, having a BP CEO tell us we should lay off and stop hating them so much is one thing, but where is one of our elected betters to tell us that same thing and hamper any attempt to make BP liable for this? Surely there must be one asshole who is so completely bought and paid for by an oil company that he cannot help himself and starts pushing to help out BP. Anyone? Anyone? What's that, Louisiana Senator David Vitter? You say you don't want to be Senator anymore? Continue.

What happens when you're a small government, pro-business conservative and your state gets pummeled by one of the worst man made disasters ever – not five years after getting pummeled by one of the worst natural disasters (Hurricane Katrina)? If you're Louisiana Senator David Vitter, you double down on offshore drilling and push for a liability cap for BP.

Doubling down on drilling is not particularly surprising. Much of Louisiana's much-needed revenue comes from off-shore drilling leases. “By the same token, after every plane crash, you and I should both oppose plane travel,” Vitter quipped on Sunday to CNN's Candy Crowley. “I don't think that is rational.”
...
But it's Vitter's early support of a liability cap – he introduced legislation that he promoted in last weekend's weekly GOP radio address – he introduced legislation that he promoted in last weekend's weekly GOP radio address – that's landing the son of a Chevron petroleum engineer in trouble.

Nicely played. For the last month a busted offshore oil rig has been pouring seemingly every drop of oil in the earth into the Gulf and is in the process of ruining large parts of your state, which -if you remember- is Louisiana. So of course now is the proper time to start bitching about people who suddenly don't think offshore drilling is such a great idea, 1) because the safety procedures seems so lax, and 2) because there seems to be know way to stop the oil if one breaks. Don't forget to try to limit the amount the responsible party has to pay out in damages. I mean, why should BP be responsible for all the oil BP spills and all the costs relating to all the oil they spilled? That's madness.

It's a nice "Idiot provides opponents, opposing party, and constituents with gun, fish, an barrel during re-election campaign" story. Usually politicians aren't that stupid, especially when somehow they've been able to survive the whole "Moral crusader gets famously busted for buying hookers"/Bayou whoremaster thing. But I guess BP has given him rather a lot of money over the years and he feels he owes them. Vitter is, of course, getting pilloried by anyone with a microphone in Louisiana.

So here's TB election tip #132b: During this election season, maybe you don't want to go out of your way to publicly call for more offshore drilling and attempt to legally protect corporations from paying for all the damage they've caused. It may be unpopular with people who like coasts and water that's mostly comprised of, uh, water.

Raaaaaaaaaaandy

This post-primary period has been tough for Ran Paul. When everyone in the national media rushes to point out how childish your ideology is when it's said out loud and you have to spend all your time backtracking and assuring people that you want black people to vote, things aren't going great. Then the libertarians completely back away from you and Senate Minority Whip and fellow Kentuckian Republican Mitch McConnell starts intimating that you need to seriously consider shutting the fuck up and going away.

So what does one do to shore up these mistakes and prove your libertarian, Constitution loving bona fides? By advocating for insanely expensive methods of capturing Mexicans and opining how you'd love it if someone would pass a law that violated the 14th Amendment. Naturally.

I recently have been talking more about satellite observation. They say you can sit in front of the store here and a satellite can read the headline on your newspaper. So I think you could also monitor your border with satellites, and then you just have to have some means of intercepting people who come in illegally. You could have helicopters stations positioned every couple of hundred miles. . .

We’re the only country I know of that allows people to come in illegally have a baby and then that baby becomes a citizen. And I think that should stop also.

Hey nothing says libertarian quite like government agencies using spy satellites to direct surveillance and black helicopter brigades to anyone suspicious on the border. But it's nice to know that a man who admits to getting nude and rubbing himself down with the Bill of Rights and feels that before passing a piece of legislation Congress “should point to where in the Constitution they get the authority for it” has no qualms with passing a law that directly violates the Constitution. I just wonder what part of the Constitution he's going to point to when he tries to pass this "Fuck you, freeloading babies" Law. Maybe he'll fake a siezure or claim he was being asked "gotcha" questions.

I guess that libertarian/strict constructionist line of thought goes out the window when it either deals with issues that affect Rand himself or deals with Mexican bashing making it easier for him to get elected.

Ah, but we're talking as if gross hypocrisy and appearing to be a little bit racist against blacks and Mexicans is actually a negative in a Kentucky political contest. He's ahead right now anywhere from 3 points to 25 points. We at TB Industries look forward to Raaaaaaaaaaandy dragging down the intelligence level of the US Senate. We didn't think that was possible.

Stay classy, Rand

Rand Paul, son of Ron Paul, is the GOP's candidate in Kentucky for their open Senate seat. Let's see, he's the son of Ron Paul, is named after Ayn Rand, claims to be a libertarian, and was elected by a combination of Paulites and fervent teabaggers. Gee, there's just so much to like there. I bet he's not an asshole at all.

INTERVIEWER: Would you have voted for the Civil Rights Act of 1964?

PAUL: I like the Civil Rights Act in the sense that it ended discrimination in all public domains, and I’m all in favor of that.

INTERVIEWER: But?

PAUL: You had to ask me the “but.” I don’t like the idea of telling private business owners—I abhor racism. I think it’s a bad business decision to exclude anybody from your restaurant—but, at the same time, I do believe in private ownership.

Ah yes, he's so committed to freedom and the flag that he realizes that large parts of the 1964 Civil Rights Act need to be removed. But he's not racist. He hates racism. He just wants to strip huge chunks out of civil rights legislation so that people can be more free to discriminate on racial grounds.As he goes on to explain, sometimes in a free society we have to tolerate "boorish people". "Boorish people" being sixties era Southern racists. Wonderful people they all were.

Hey, no worries though. He's theoretically against racism and discrimination. Just tacitly against laws that do anything about them.

Hey, at least he didn't come off as a smug prick during a separate interview with Rachael Maddow where he expressed the exact same thoughts. Oh wait... At least there he had the class to reduce the struggle people went through fighting for civil rights as "not a very practical discussion" and a mere "philosophical debate". At least he realized his mistake today... talking to Rachael Maddow in the first place.

Stay classy, Rand. You and your "libertarian" tea baggers. We'll get those segregated lunch counters back, buddy. We'll get them back. Fuck those cripples too.

A moment spent basking in the misery of another

Last night Arlen Specter lost the Democratic primary for his own Senate seat to Rep. Joe Sestak. If I may be permitted a moment to chortle, snicker, and guffaw, I would like to take it.

Why do I take such pleasure in the man's defeat? Aside from the fact that he was an awful political hack, he represented one of the things I hate most about our elected betters... especially Senators: namely the notion that once elected to that seat, it becomes their possession, a thing that is owed to them by the voters. The Senator ceases to become an elected representative and ascends to the place of Lord, whose unworthy subjects should avert thine eyes, shut thine mouths, and continually re-elect them... never holding them accountable for anything they do. Joe Lieberman is the living embodiment of this mental disorder, but Specter was a close second.

The basic theme of his 1998 campaign was "I've sat in this seat for so long, you owe it to me to send me to Washington again for one last ride." In 2004 the theme was "Remember when I said that the last time was my last ride? Forget that. Now I have cancer and you owe me this seat as a present for having cancer and serving for so long." This year it was "Yeah, I'm nakedly switching parties with no regard for principle, but this seat is mine. Give it to me."

I guess, finally, the state had enough. The jowls are dead. Long live the jowls. Shame that he at least has the dignity to bow out now. I'd like to see him pull and intensely egotistical "Fuck it, this seat is mine when you pry it from my cold dead hands" Indy run. Cravenly attempt to hold onto this seat through every means necessary: taking hostages, strapping C4 across his chest, weeping "But... it's MY SEAT!" It's a shame, really, that he's choosing dignity now. It's so out of character. But if last night shows anything, it's that maybe Americans are sick of entitled politicians.

Unfortunately, there is no awesomely weepy picture of Specter, so I'll just re-run the photo from one of Sean and mine's favorite electoral blood lettings:


Imagine Arlen as Santorum or the little girl. Either works. Magic bullet my ass, Arlen.

The teabaggers have turned on their masters

Today is primary day and thus the last day we'll have to see cheaply produced attack ads about subservience to Nancy Pelosi and Barack Obama's radical agenda or how some fatcat hates every working person and the start of the first day of having to see expensively produced versions of those same ads. America's wonderful election process moves on.

But with Democrats Arlen Specter and Blanche Lincoln as well as a host of other crazy Republicans who have been deemed "not crazy enough" by the teabagging movement poised to lose their primaries today, don't go thinking that all the basking in the misery of others only happened today. No, you might have missed out on Utah's GOP primary over a week ago, where sitting US Senator Bob Bennett came in a distant third as the Tea Party movement deemed his brand of right wing behavior as lacking that total commitment to unreasonable obstruction and lunacy and took their first of many Republican scalps.

To his fellow Senators, Bennett's defeat was a hallmark of everything that's wrong with the American voting process today: namely a sitting Senator being held to account by his voters in a primary. The outrage! But to those within the Senate GOP, this was a sign that those teabaggers were taking things too far.

Hatch — who has previously warned the Tea Party to start working more closely with the Republican Party — criticized the Tea Party for rallying against Bennett:

HATCH: A lot of these Tea Party people are angry, and I’m angry too. … I mean my gosh, They’re mad. They have a right to be mad and I think these Tea Party people are doing the country a service. But when they don’t have an open mind and they won’t listen, that’s another matter and that’s something I think anybody would find fault with.

The Tea Party doesn't have an open mind and doesn't listen? I thought that's what you prized in them? No? Oh, you don't like it when they use that impotent rage and fury against their masters in the only place they have power: the GOP primaries of intensely Republican states. But I can see why Orrin is mad, even beyond the outrage of a sitting Senator not being re-betrothed his seat like a gilded birthright that the people owe him. I mean how could they have ever foreseen that Frankenstein's monster would inevitably turn on his master? That never happens.

But lest the teabaggers turn on him and force him into a primary like they did his fellow Utah Senator, he wants them to know one thing: Washington... what's that? He's never heard of the place and he's certainly never been there.

INGRAHAM: But aren’t you part of Washington?

HATCH: Hell no. I’ve never been. I’ve never considered this a job. I’ve had, people have asked me, they said, “say Senator Hatch, don’t you just love being a U.S. senator?” My constant answer is this. No, I don’t love it at all, but I’m good at it.

For those of you playing at home, Hatch has been in the Senate for nearly 34 years. Which is longer than either Sean or I have been alive. But he's not a part of Washington. He just fits in well there and should be re-elected. Because he's not a part of it.

Maybe things like primary purity tests are the things you should have thought of when you and your fellow elected betters decided to turn your party over to the Tea Party. Ah well, here's hoping that they gorged themselves on so much meat and blood that when they come for you in the night, they don't have the wherewithal to eat your face, Orrin. I'm sure this strategy will keep them at bay. Good luck with that.

Our awful elections

It's no secret that our elections are a comic horrorshow of stupidity unrivaled by any country in the world. We tend to have perfected the art of not making the process of electing our political betters about anything substantial; letting nearly every contest devolve into the cheap theatre of name calling, flag eating, and pretending to get offended at the low rent name calling.

And among the dumbest of the races in this especially dumb election year is the Senate race in California. Incumbent Barbara Boxer seems barely aware that she's going to have to contest this race, but I'm sure someone will tap her on the shoulder to remind her to put her name on the re-election form so she can waltz to victory. But in the GOP primary has been the typical shitshow of "You are insufficiently in love with tax cuts" "No, you are insufficiently in love with tax cuts and I deride your level of hatred for Mexicans and love levels of Reagan" "How dare you" and so on and so on. Perhaps you remember presumed frontrunner Carly Fiorina's "demon sheep" ad?

Well Carly is in trouble and may not even make it out of the primary. So, I assume, in an attempt to completely squash her and waste some of the money they have piled around, the DSCC and the California Democratic Party have decided to hoist her on her own demon sheep petard.



May I remind you that this is for a powerful seat in one of the most powerful institutions in one of the most powerful of China's subsidiary countries.... and there were so many mutton based puns that I gave up counting them halfway through after I killed myself.

So take pride America, on of the most important issues in one our largest Senate races is sheep and demon based mockery and mockery of previous crazy commercials. I'd weep, but that places the California Senate race as one of the most serious races in the country. It's actually about an issue that's not completely made up or distorted beyond all recognition. And the production values are top notch. I'm not pulling the wool over your eyes on that one.

/kills self again

The overarching chicken conspiracy

Sue Lowden is running for the GOP nomination for Senate in Nevada. In her campaign she has clearly seen an opportunity to make headway in the race and a potential showdown with Harry Reid by criticizing health reform. Being a Republican, of course she's ranting about repealing it. This is not notable. What is notable is the system she offered to replace it: a barter system. Furthermore: a barter system in which chickens could be exchanged for health care.

We at These Bastards have been long supporters of the agrarian barter economy. Mostly because paper money will have no meaning once society collapses, civilization falls, and the flesh reavers come in the night for your children. But we only think of an agrarian barter system as a means for a post-apocalyptic scenario. Sue Lowden asks: why not before? I have to say we agree. If we can get everyone to learn the basics beforehand, the transition to a full barter economy will be easier for the Hobo Council of Elders to implement.

To that end, some helpful enterprising soul has created the website The Lowden Plan, which you can use to figure out what your next medical procedure will cost in chickens. Prostate cancer? 3,514 chickens. Appendectomy? 1,019 chickens. Mammograms? A surprisingly cheap 18 chickens. Women definitely get bang for their chicken buck. Colon cancer will cost you a veritable poultry war crime of 8,738 chickens.

But this does make you ask some serious questions. Why is Sue Lowden so eager to use chickens as our new system of currency? What are her ties to KFC and Chick-Fil-A?

Not to sound crazy or reactionary but... THIS IS HOW IT BEGINS! THIS IS HOW THEY TAKE OVER! We need chickens to trade for medical care and who has all the chickens? Once day we're just sitting around having insurance companies run our health care, the next day the Colonel and all his buddies run it.

My God... I think we all knew in the back of our minds that one day franchise chicken restaurants would make their move to control America, but who knew that this would be the means they would choose: by controlling our very health. This must be why KFC launched the Double Down: to increase our need for serious medical attention. Then they get their plant Lowden to switch us over to the chicken system and they might as well run everything.

In fact, I think we can trace the insurance battle over health care and the financial crisis to the chicken barons in their golden palaces. It all makes so much sense now. The insurance companies, finance industry and chicken consortium have been working together the whole time! They have access to the highest levels of government:


This is chilling, people. We're through the looking glass. God help us all.

Humility defined

When last we saw Grampa Senator he was denying his maverickyness to the masses while losing ground in a primary to a certifiable loon.

So our shadow president went to Fox News to gain that momentum back, but even Fox News couldn't let that "I ain't no maverick and I never said I wuz dangblastit!" remark go. So Senator McCain decided to make things a whole lot clearer and, in the process, show great humility with the new nickname he devised for himself. Remember it now, he'll be disavowing it in a week.

WALLACE: You said, I never considered myself a maverick.

MCCAIN: Well, all I — what I was saying was that I have considered myself a person who’s a fighter. I wouldn’t be around today if I wasn’t a fighter. I fight for the things that I believe in, and sometimes that’s called a maverick. Sometimes that’s called a partisan. And people can draw their own conclusions. I prefer great American myself.

Ah yes, the true mark of a humble patriot: bestowing the title of Great American on oneself. I mean sure, we got used to this kind of thing when he declared himself the "Original Maverick"... except that the whole phrase, definition, and political connotation of 'maverick' comes from the last name of an actual guy, Texas legislator Samuel Maverick, but still. Plus it is a better nickname than the one Obama gave himself: God King of the United States, Woe Unto You Who Speaketh His Name.

So really, could you just stop calling him a maverick. One, he doesn't know where you even picked up that nonsense. Two, he'd much prefer Great American, or, if you'd prefer, Greatest American, or, better still, American So Great They Ought To Retroactively Put His Name on The Declaration of Independence. It's what he deserves to be called before he's forced to take up the moniker Private Citizen and Former Senator John McCain.

Quote of the day

We're all enthralled by the possibility that a porn star might do battle with a serial hypocrite and bayou whoremaster for the Louisiana Senate seat that didn't get washed away by Hurricane Katrina. Oh sure we can giggle and snicker over the S-E-X parts, but where's the real political analysis of Stormy Daniels' chances against David Vitter? Why aren't we asking other porn stars what they think about her running?

Thankfully Politico stepped to the forefront to tackle that pressing question. While there are several generic supportive comments and a seeming threat from the porn Palin that she was going to run against the real Palin, the best political comments came from where they always come from: the gay porn industry.

Adult film star Owen Hawk sees a comparison between Daniels and Rep. John Boehner. "It's ironic that the people of Louisiana might elect a porn star to be their senator only to find her the second-most sprayed-tanned GOP representative."

"I think she'll make a great Republican,” said Hawk. “She's narcissistic and morally suspect."

Nicely snarked. You know, I think I'll Google his name and see if he's made any other political commentary. Just let me type it in, hit enter, and... yeah.... that's a lot of penises... not really up my ally... no discernible political content to this... is that Jeff Gannon... I think perhaps I should have added a "+politics" modifier to my search.

Anyway, I would call this article a roaring success. In the future I would recommend that all Politico articles have at least one quote from a gay porn star or political porn parody veteran. I mean Christ, they've got to have more sense or a better predictive track record than a guy like Bill Kristol. Plus they've probably prostituted themselves less as well.

Don't use the M-word

Ahh, consider the fate of America's crotchety old grampa, John McCain. Once the standard bearer of his party's shitty standard he is now forced to duke it out in a GOP primary against a man who might be more retarded than the woman he picked to be his VP running mate. Which is saying something.

So now as he's forced to duke it out in a primary with a man who believes Obama is a Kenyan, the man/horse marriage is a grave threat, and was driven from office because of his ties to Jack Abramoff. And he's in danger of losing to him. So Grampa Walnuts is doing the kind of thing that only a man of his incredible integrity and dignity can do: tack as hard to the right as possible and virulently disavow the brand you've spent the past decade annoyingly cultivating. RIP Maverick.

John McCain — who built his political persona and his 2008 presidential campaign around the claim that he’s a “maverick” — told Newsweek recently: “I never considered myself a maverick.”

When POLITICO asked McCain about the contradiction at the Capitol this week, the Arizona Republican grew visibly irritated and snapped: “I’ve been called a thousand things. It’s absolutely ridiculous.”

He said 48 percent of the homeowners in his state are underwater on their mortgages. He said he’s always “done what’s best for my state and the nation.” Then he said it again, adding, “People can consider me whatever they want.”

And then he darted into the Senate chamber without explaining himself further.

That principle: getting elected by any means necessary while getting as much TV and media face time as can possibly be stained for himself and basking in the media adoration of being called a maverick. Which you aren't allowed to call him anymore.

Furthermore, he's not sure why anyone would even use that term to refer to him. I mean it's as if you go and spend the better part of several years, including a Presidential campaign, calling yourself that, calling your running mate that, noting how you're a team of that forbidden word, and constantly referring to yourself with that word so much that it became a running joke... well it's almost like people will keep using that word to describe you. The outrage! Don't they know he's not a maverick and has never heard the word before? He's a dyed in the wool Republican who would never shun the party for his own shallow political goals.

We'd just like to salute Senator McCain for hitting that final low point. We thought it came when he tarnished his entire reputation as a man of integrity an honor by running a third rate, gutter dwelling, half-witted campaign. No, it was when, in an attempt to beat a blithering idiot in a primary, he renounced the word and principles he practically tried to get people to use instead of his name.

Maybe there's a lower point, like running with Sarah Palin again or attempting to get votes by barking like a dog or being part of a County Fair dunktank in full clown make-up, but I don't see that happening. Unless JD Hayworth really looks like he's going to win. Then McCain might try to call himself the Original Hayworth and claim he has proof of Obama's Kenyan heritage. It's a complex process being the Man With The Most Integrity In Washington. The pressure is apparently getting to him. Let's hope he goes crazy in a more entertaining way than this.

What an immense pussy

You may have heard that political legacy baby, corporatist idiot, and milquetoast centrist halfwit Evan Bayh is quitting the Senate because he doesn't love it or something. He's setting it free and if it returns, it was meant to be. He's not seeking reelection in Indiana, where he was expected to waltz to victory, because he's tired of the hyper-partisanship in Washington.

Ignoring the fact that it's people like him that contribute greatly to Washington's ills, he essentially sees the best way to cure the Senate of it's partisanship is to take his ball and go home, quit in a manner that makes it much easier for Republicans to take his seat and increase gridlock even more, and then go become a lobbyist. But this low grade hypocrisy is par for the Bayh course.

I'm not so much interested in losing a shitty Senator as I am in the reasons for his leaving that are leaking out. He sounds like an immense fucking baby.

In his two terms in the Senate, Bayh cut a centrist path and worked across party lines, which at times frustrated liberal Democrats.

"He hates the Senate, hates the left bloggers," a friend and longtime adviser to Bayh said. "They are getting their wish, pure Democrats in the minority."

Aww, he doesn't like the dirty hippies. What else?

Bayh is an anomaly of sorts; he really grew to dislike the influence of liberal activists on his Senate colleagues. To him, these activists increased the cost of doing business.
...
When it became clear to Bayh that the White House wasn't going to play his game -- wasn't going to sell out liberals at every turn -- Bayh decided he had had enough.

What a pussy. He quit because the hippies didn't like him and because Obama wasn't going to sell them out hard enough. Need I point out to Bayh that the dirty liberals haven't gotten anything they wanted and that centrist corporate stooges like Evan Bayh have essentially dictated and watered down the congressional agenda? That wasn't good enough?

So let me be the 9 millionth human to make the "Buh-Bayh" joke and advise that you not let the door hit you in the ass too hard on your way out. Good luck reforming the country from a giant lobbying conglomerate while prepping your 2012 run or whatever it is you've deluded yourself into thinking will happen now.

These are the type of people that run our country. Does that explain everything yet?

Good morning, here's some sheep

Here's the latest ad for Carly Fiorina's primary bid against Tom Campbell for the GOP nomination for the upcoming 2010 Senate race. In this little segment, which someone actually thought was a good idea, Fiorina attacks Campbell for not being sufficiently sheep-like in regards to tax pledges and GOP orthodoxy, knocks him for being an adult and trying to find solutions to California's massive budget problems, and then decides the ad should devolve into some Dadaist farming nightmare. Literally! I also think the sinister narrator guy lapses into a British accent at some point.

I can't believe someone paid money for this.

Quote of the day

Say anything for a buck, corporate owned, no real beliefs of his own, political hack/carpetbagger Harold Ford Jr. has decided that what New York needs is a Democratic Senator that is not only completely embarrassing, is the Democratic equivalent to Sarah Palin, but also tries to out-Lieberman Joe Lieberman. It doesn't sound like a great campaign strategy to me, but what do I know? I'm probably going to have to choose between Arlen Specter or Pat Toomey in November.

In between declaring how he's a real New Yorker because his helicopter once touched down in Staten Island thus technically qualifying him as having visited all five boroughs, flip flopping on gay marriage, opposing health care, backing large salaries for bankers while not understanding capitalism as a principle, and generally making people question what the hell he is doing and what the hell he is thinking, he dropped this little nugget in an almost 'too bizarre to believe it was anything other than a parody' NY Times interview:

Q. Guns. Let’s talk about this issue.

A: I never got an A rating, like my opponent — would-be opponent — has enjoyed. I don’t own them. I do shoot them, and I shoot them at things that can’t shoot back. And will continue to do that. And by that, I want to be clear, I don’t mean children.

Well, thanks for clearing that up. But I think you might want to soften that stance a little bit. It's New York and the kids there definitely do shoot back.

Still, it's a hell of a political slogan.

Ford '10! Let's be clear: I do not shoot children.

Beats the shit out of 'Hope' or 'Change'.

Everything turns up roses for Diamond J

The big political news of the last day or so has been the news that Democratic Connecticut Senator Chris Dodd will not run for re-election in 2010. All just because he was deeply unpopular and likely to lose to nearly every challenger running in the Republican primary. In his stead will run Connecticut Attorney General Richard Blumenthal, who crushes every Republican challenger in polls. I think this marks the first time in decades where a politician looked at his own electoral prospects, soberly analyzed them, and decided that it was better for the party if someone else ran. I don't know about you, but I think Sen. Dodd needs to be checked for some sort of brain parasite or debilitating neurological disorder. That doesn't sound like typical Senate behavior.

But I'm not interested in all of that. What I am interested in is how, yet again, circumstances have conspired to benefit Joe Lieberman. Let Talking Points Memo explain:

Blumenthal was sure to run against him [in 2012]. And if he did I can't see where there's any way Blumenthal would not have crushed him. As we can see from today's numbers, Blumenthal is very popular with Connecticut Democrats. And since he's polling around 60%, he's popular with a lot of independents too. So he would have taken the Democratic nomination (see this poll to see why that is beyond Lieberman's reach now) and eviscerated Joe in the general.

Now? Well Joe's looking better and better for re-election in 2012. Oh, it's still a long shot, but seeing as how everything always seems to work to his benefit, I'm sure Ned Lamont and several other Democratic challengers will fall dead of heart attacks in the run-up to a primary. Why is that, God? Huh? Must you continue to punish us?

If a meteor struck this earth I can guarantee you the only remaining survivors in North America would be Lieberman and every Victoria's Secret model, who had just happened to Connecticut on their yearly Silk Thong Tour when the sky rained fire rocks. So just a word of warning to your bile sacs and rage centers of your brain, I don't know what will happen over the next few years, but it will almost certainly work out to the benefit of Holy Joe. That's apparently the guiding principal of how the universe works now. Just a heads up.

Senate to America: Waaaah, work is hard

After struggling to kinda, sorta, almost pass health care reform this year on top of all the hard work they did greasing the skids for Tim Geithner and Ben Bernanke to give everyone's money to Wall Street, moderate Senate Democrats have a message to those who want them to take action on climate change: boo hoo, addressing large, complex problems is hard, we don't wanna, you can't make us.

Bruised by the health care debate and worried about what 2010 will bring, moderate Senate Democrats are urging the White House to give up now on any effort to pass a cap-and-trade bill next year.

“I am communicating that in every way I know how,” said Sen. Mary Landrieu (D-La.), one of at least a half-dozen Democrats who've told the White House or their own leaders that it's time to jettison the centerpiece of their party's plan to curb global warming.
...
“We need to deal with the phenomena of global warming, but I think it’s very difficult in the kind of economic circumstances we have right now,” said Indiana Democratic Sen. Evan Bayh, who called passage of any economywide cap and trade “unlikely.
...
“I’d just as soon see that set aside until we work through the economy,” said Sen. Ben Nelson (D-Neb.).
...
“Climate change in an election year has very poor prospects,” added Sen. Kent Conrad (D-N.D.).

Awww, it'd be hard work and Republicans would call you liberal hippie pussies. Well, guess what? It's hard work precisely because the problem is so large and you've spent decades not doing a fucking thing about it. Plus, you're going to get called liberal hippie pussies even if you nuke Tehran, so get used to it and man up. And not or nothing, but you all talk a big game about doin' stuff for the economy and makin' jobs a priority, but what exactly have you done? If it's such a large priority why are you dicking around and not solving it? The Senate can't do more than one thing at a time?

Can I break something to you? Your jobs? They're about voting on complex shit that has large ramifications to the country and world at large. I'm sorry if that's some great mental burden, but it's what you signed up for. I don't recall anyone standing around saying "Boy, we just gotta force this Ben Nelson fella to run for office" and then voting him in against his will. You don't want to vote on complex important shit that does a lot, costs a lot, and will be used to attack you politically? Well then, might I suggest you figure out what your life's work is and get to it, because being a senator sure as shit isn't it.

Sorry you're expected to do stuff and vote on things. But then again, did you run for office so you could have a nice big nameplate that had the title "Senator" on it or did you actually run to, you know, do something? Sorry, that was a stupid question. I'm sorry this legislation nonsense is getting in the way of you all being Senators. Maybe the next government we create will have some sort of workaround for that. Until then though, could you just maybe try to address more than one issue a year? For us?

Cheap Blogging Crutch 10.15

The Collider, the Particle and a Theory About Fate
Hey did you know that its entirely possible that the reason the LHC is running into trouble colliding particles that the Higgs boson is so abhorrent to nature that its creation would ripple backward through time and stop the LHC from creating a Higgs boson. Is your mind blown yet? Does your head hurt yet? This is why it's so much easier to just say "God did it."

First black hole for light created on Earth
Hate light? Love black holes? Well buddy the people at Purdue University have got the goods for you: a table top electromagnetic black hole that sucks in light and traps it. It has promising properties for harnessing and advancing solar energy collection. How'd they do it? Uh...God did it.

Poll shows Specter staring at 'near fatal' re-election figure
What? You mean to tell me that only 31% of Pennsylvanians view the switching of political parties for the most nakedly transparent, self-serving political means possible as a good thing? The main problem is that no one knows who his Democratic primary opponent, Joe Sestak, is and he's locked in a dead heat with the likely Republican opponent Pat Toomey, a guy who makes Rick Santorum look like a European socialist. Hopefully that'll change as Sestak gets more coverage and the race goes on. Otherwise the prospect of Senator Tommey *shudders* is enough to get one motivated to support Arlen Specter *shudders...but in a manner less than the shudder for Toomey*.

Americans Rank Randy Jackson and Michael Phelps as Most Likeable Celebs For 2009
Really America? The guy who says "dawg" all the time on American Idol? Still that's not why I posted this. You know who the least liked man in America is? Mike Vick. Yup the reformed dogfighter is less popular than Joe Jackson, Mark Sanford, Anne Coulter, and spousal abuser/singer Chris Brown. Way to bear a grudge America! Keep hating a man trying to reform himself at a higher level than unrepentant liars and scum. Know who else is surprisingly ranked as low as Chris Brown and Vick? NFL columnist Peter King. Good work on that, KSK. The man America views as the most sincere? Buzz Aldrin. He's got credibility people, MOON CREDIBILITY!

President Barack Obama visits New Orleans today
Barry takes his first trip to the still devastated New Orleans today. He's going to look around, see the 9th Ward's only reopened school, view the devastation, eat at Dooky Chase, and then go off into a private room to sob as he has to add yet another thing to his "Massive Bush Fuck-ups I Have to Fix" list. Poor bastard. To think: he actually wanted this job. Well that'll learn him.