John Boehner cares

A lot has been made of the seeming lack of empathy that the GOP Congressional Caucus seems to have for anyone making under half a million a year or who became unemployed during this recession. And by "seeming lack of empathy" I do mean "complete and total lack of empathy".

But Republicans have feelings too. Seriously. John Boehner wants you to know that he's not some uncaring, orange monster lumbering around the halls of Congress ripping poor people in two. No, he's an elected leader with feelings. Here, he'll even tell you a personal anecdote about how he cares and junk.

“I’ve got real empathy for those who are unemployed, as most of you know I’ve got 11 brothers and sisters. I know that three of my brothers lost their jobs, I’m not sure whether they’ve found jobs, yet, so I’ve got a lot of empathy for those caught in this economic downturn,” Boehner said.

Isn't that, in fact, the textbook definition of empathy?

em·pa·thy (ěm'pə-thē) n.

1. Identification with and understanding of another's situation, feelings, and motives. See: Synonyms at pity.

2. Knowing something that has happened to a family member, but not bothering to care enough to help or even learn enough information to know whether their status in life has changed. See: pretending to care.

3. Saying you care, despite all evidence to the contrary proving that you don't. See: fibbing.

4. Having the power to read the feelings of others through telepathy, touch, or some extra-sensory mutant power, like in a fucking sci-fi movie or a comic book. See: motherfucking cool shit.

See? The man's in the clear. He cares. And too the Boehner brothers who have unfortunately lost their jobs, I hope that you find some or that at least your ultra-powerful brother deigns to call up mom to see if you're even still alive, eating catfood, unemployed, or otherwise different. You know, show that he cares.

Unless childhood prankery and bullying by you three is the reason that John Boehner is the way he is. If that's the reason, then you three can just get stuffed.

Chart of the day

Today was a banner day for government as our elected betters paused and decided to spend five minutes giving a shit about the unemployed. It was about 50 days too late and will invariably crop up the next time around, but hey, this is as close to progress on the economy as this country is allowed to have.

So they extended unemployment benefits, big deal. What about that part where they get together and figure out how to make there be not as many unemployed people? What would that take, besides a miracle? Actually, what would it take just to get us to the point where we were back before everything turned to shit?

Well, according to the good people at the Brookings Institute, 200,000 jobs a month for somewhere around 150 months. 12.5 years.


In case you haven't been paying attention, we aren't creating 200,000 jobs a month. We don't look to start anytime soon either. The Center For Economic and Policy Research is slightly more optimistic, saying that it will only take until 2014 to get us to 2007 employment levels, 2021 if you take into account the 6.5 million people that will have entered the job force between 2007 and 2014. In both scenarios, that's if everything goes swimmingly and starts doing so around a week from now.

So in other words, things will get back on track shortly after pigs learn to fly but not before they fly out of your ass. Hope that brightened your day.

Silver linings

"Good news everyone!"

I know we're all worried about jobs and the economy. The former now that another 700,000 are likely to be added to the lazy peasant bread lines and decadent soup kitchen dinners that a couple million of our spoiled American brethren have been living like kings on lo these past months.

Don't worry. Because things are picking up.... for the assholes that ruined the economy in the first place.

While much of the country remains fixated on the bleak employment picture, hiring is beginning to pick up in the place that led the economy into recession — Wall Street.

The shift underscores the remarkable recovery of the biggest banks and brokerage firms since Washington rescued them in the fall of 2008, and follows the huge rebound in profits for members of the New York Stock Exchange, which totaled $61.4 billion in 2009, the most ever.

Warms the fucking cockles of your heart, doesn't it?

I'm just glad that we don't have to see sad, struggling, 26 year-olds who used to be making high six figures now scraping by on low six figures. Ordering house wines, ordering drinks by the glass instead of bottle service at the club, wearing off the rack Armani, and buying a BMW 128i. WE ALL KNOW THAT'S THE CHEAPEST MODEL BMW MAKES!

Things are getting better for them and I, for one, will sleep easier at night. I'm sure it's all going to come around soon for the rest of us.

Sorry to everyone whose sarcasm detectors I just broke.

Jobblog

As These Bastards is the foremost economics blog on the web, it is our duty to bring you the most cutting edge economic theories going. Mostly these have to do with the flagging job market where there are somewhere in the neighborhood of five applicants for every opening.

Now most of the new economic theories from our elected betters seemed to stem from them plugging their ears and yelling "Get a job anyway you lazy wretches, stop freeloading on the less than $12 grand a year in unemployment you would be theoretically getting if we in Congress could ever pass a jobs bill. You're all probably on drugs." You know, America's lazy peasant problem.

So we feel it's necessary to highlight any new solutions to our joblessness problem, for you: the unemployed hobo reading this while eating a tin of beans underneath a highway underpass. Don't deny it; we know that's 90% of our audience. We have the Google Metrics.

First up is Minnesota GOP candidate for governor Tom Emmer, who is chuffed that some bitch waitress expected a tip last night after she slowly delivered drinks that the asshole bartender was watering down.

Tom Emmer, the GOP-endorsed candidate for governor, told reporters at the Eagle Street Grille in St. Paul on Monday that the minimum wage for service workers who earn tips should be cut. Some waiters and bartenders, he noted, can earn as much as $100,000 a year, which he said is unfair to the employers that hire them.
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Minnesota is one of few states that does not follow the federal minimum wage for tip-earners — $2.13 an hour. Instead, tip-earners make $5.25 to $7.25 an hour in addition to tips. Emmer says that hurts businesses’ bottom lines.

“Government can only inhibit business, can only keep it from growing, as opposed to creating jobs,” he said. “Right now, we have too much of it, guys. We’ve got to pull government back.”

I know. This economy would be right back on track if bartending and waitressing, two of the most lucrative and desirable jobs in America, nay, the world, we treated like the slave labor they were. I'm tired of these six figure waitresses killing businesses with their minimum wage salaries. Hasn't anyone ever heard of being grateful to be allowed inside an air conditioned building for a ten hour shift? Maybe you repay that shelter from the elements by serving a few drinks or a club sandwich or two without collapsing the world economy. Is that to much to ask, waitresses?

By the way, I'm going to need you to split this check.

On the other hand, potentially crazy... you know, what, I'm going to drop the "potentially" part. Crazy Democratic South Carolina U.S. Senate candidate Alvin Greene has another plan to help revive the job market. By employing people in what I'm sure is the seriously flagging Alvin Greene doll making industry.

"Another thing we can do for jobs is make toys of me, especially for the holidays. Little dolls. Me. Like maybe little action dolls. Me in an army uniform, air force uniform, and me in my suit. They can make toys of me and my vehicle, especially for the holidays and Christmas for the kids. That's something that would create jobs. So you see I think out of the box like that. It's not something a typical person would bring up. That's something that could happen, that makes sense. It's not a joke."

That is outside the box. Like outside of a padded box after the dose of medication they gave you didn't have any effect, then you overpowered seven guards before throwing a water fountain through the window, climbing out, and running to freedom. Luckily the reporter was able to finish the interview without being skinned and Alvin using his face as a mask.

So there you have it, the solutions to our problems: stop tipping rich waitresses and start making dolls of a weird Senate candidate. We'll be back on our feet in no time.

Compassion

Right now unemployment is hovering around 10% and businesses aren't hiring. What's the problem? In his efforts to seem like the most self absorbed, uncaring prick not currently working for BP, Rand Paul decided to tell us what the problem was. Lazy peasants.

In an interview with WVLK-AM in Lexington, Kentucky on Friday, Paul told host Sue Wylie he supported the Republican filibuster last week of more than $100 billion in emergency spending that includes extended jobless benefits. Paul said the bill must be paid before the extension is voted into law -- and if that can't happen, it's time for America's unemployed to face facts and stop holding out for jobs similar to the ones they've lost.

"As bad as it sounds, ultimately we do have to sometimes accept a wage that's less than we had at our previous job in order to get back to work and allow the economy to get started again," he said. "Nobody likes that, but it may be one of the tough love things that has to happen."

Paul also suggested that regardless of whether the benefits could be paid for with cuts somewhere else, it might be time for some people to just stop asking for government aid.

"I think the issue is bigger than unemployment benefits." Paul said, referring to government spending. "It's all about priorities, what is the priority. And sometimes tough decisions will have to be made."

Ah yes, because the main problem in this jobless recovery is that people are sitting at home, looking at dozens upon dozens of valid job offers and are saying to themselves "Weeeeeeeell, this doesn't pay me quite as much as I'm used to. I think I'll just choose to be unemployed longer. You know, because unemployment benefits are so generous." It's a matter of people sucking up their pride, not a matter of no jobs. And if anyone is qualified to tell them that, it's a rich Republican whose entire income is predicated on taking government money.

And really people, grow up and stop taking government handouts. Sure it way seem like a king's ransom living on welfare or unemployment, getting at most a couple thousand a year and barely being able to afford to live. But what's more important: eating and shelter or living by the libertarian code of principles that Rand Paul himself refuses to live by?

I think we've been taught an important lesson here: if you would just give up those government benefits and actually have a desire to work... which 10% of this country obviously doesn't, you'll get a job regardless of the hiring situation in the country or the state of the larger economy. Because of magic. Thanks for the tip, Rand. Good luck on your quest to use your father's name to move from government Medicare payouts to just a direct government salary. Boy, you're sure teaching all those lazy assholes out there a lesson.

Count 'em up

It's been a busy few weeks for Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell. First he had to cover up all the naughty boobies on the Virginia state seal, then he had to go out and shill for big oil and offshore drilling in the midst of a massive offshore drilling crisis. So you can see how he might be tired out.

But nonetheless he'll be able to take some time off soon. You see he's hired some help to form a committee to reform and streamline government. The problem is, he's hired the guy Nixon used to have around to count Jews. No, seriously.

When former President Richard Nixon became paranoid that the Bureau of Labor Statistics had come under the control of Democrats and a “Jewish cabal,” he ordered adviser Fred Malek to create a list of “important Jewish officials” within the bureau, several of whom were later demoted or transferred. “It was the last recorded act of official anti-Semitism by the United States government,” Slate’s Timothy Noah noted.
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Now, right-wing Virginia Gov. Bob McDonnell (R) has hired Malek to chair a 31-member commission charged with making recommendations on how to reform government

Anyone want to guess what his first suggestion will be? Something along the lines of esslay ewsjay? At least we'll finally have an accurate count of how the "Jewish cabal" is working in 21st century Virginia.

Just a note to our younger readers out there, who may be thinking about a career in politics or civil service. I know you might want to work for someone or some group that neatly meshes with your beliefs and ideals, but might you consider working for the Republicans? Sure, you probably hate all their policies, but if you work for them there is literally nothing you could ever do to get them to stop hiring you. As the above shows clearly. Sounds like job security to me. Think about it.

This post was written by one of our unpaid interns

There is no secret that Sean and I love unpaid interns. They're what makes TB Industries go. They shovel coal into the blast furnaces during their 19 hour shifts, they mine coal for the blast furnace, they burn as an acceptable form of fuel failing a timely delivery of coal or mine cave-in, they are excellent cannon fodder for our top-secret assaults on small island nations we need to control before we can enact Plan Beta, they go good with a white wine vinaigrette and provide an excellent source of protein, they seem to fight the genetic abominations our science department cranks out with a certain pluckiness and aplomb when they're armored up and forced into the Hellpit, and, most importantly, they're easily replaceable, their bodies are easily dumpable, and their causes of death are easy to cover up.

But for most recent grads, becoming an unpaid intern isn't a choice one makes just to become part of the greater glory of These Bastards. No, for most it is an opportunity, any opportunity, to grab some form of job experience during the worst job market ever. For most companies they offer unpaid internships for one reason: slavery is a good business model. But now it seems that old man socialism and the feddy government want to stick their noses into this racket and make sure it conforms to "laws" and "accepted labor practices". Fascists.

Convinced that many unpaid internships violate minimum wage laws, officials in Oregon, California and other states have begun investigations and fined employers. Last year, M. Patricia Smith, then New York’s labor commissioner, ordered investigations into several firms’ internships. Now, as the federal Labor Department’s top law enforcement official, she and the wage and hour division are stepping up enforcement nationwide.
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The Labor Department says it is cracking down on firms that fail to pay interns properly and expanding efforts to educate companies, colleges and students on the law regarding internships.
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Ms. Leppink said many employers failed to pay even though their internships did not comply with the six federal legal criteria that must be satisfied for internships to be unpaid. Among those criteria are that the internship should be similar to the training given in a vocational school or academic institution, that the intern does not displace regular paid workers and that the employer “derives no immediate advantage” from the intern’s activities — in other words, it’s largely a benevolent contribution to the intern.

It goes without saying that the "six federal legal criteria", or "The Forbidden Restraints" as we call them here, are not allowed to be written or spoken of. Punishment for this industry killing knowledge is the filling in of the perpetrator's mouth with cement.

But our industry (blogging/the Onion wake swimming/megalomaniacal world domination/pointless furnace maintenance) is not like other industries. So for those recent graduates who do not wish to become part of the TB Killer Elite, this might be relevant information to have.

I mean sure the rise in de facto slavery and skirting labor, harassment, and discrimination laws through internships is a troubling response to a massive economic crisis, but how did you expect America to get back on top? By employing people, using sound business practices, and enacting laws, regulations, and programs that promote sensible growth and prevent this kind of thing from happening again? No, of course not. This is America after all.

So best of wishes to the new unpaid interns out there. Good news, in addition to the job experience you'll be able to put on a resume, this also qualifies as "Studying the labor and economic policies of Dubai". Congratulations, you just got a Social Sciences minor!

The Pope's cheif exorcist

The Devil is living in the Vatican, says the Pope's chief exorcist

CHILD sex scandals rocking the Catholic Church are proof of the Devil living in the Vatican, the Pope's chief exorcist claims.

Father Gabriel Amorth, 84, who has carried out more than 70,000 exorcisms in 50 years, said that Pope Benedict "fully agreed" with him in "casting out evil"
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"The Devil lives in the Vatican. Naturally it's difficult to find proof but the true consequences are visible. We have cardinals who don't believe in Christ, bishops connected with demons. Then we have these stories of paedophilia. You can see the rot when we speak of Satan's smoke in the holy rooms of the Vatican."

This may be my favorite headline ever. Hell, it may be my favorite job title ever. Both Sean an I agree we'd just like to hold that job, even honorarily for a minute or two, just so we could put that on a resume with "Did mortal battle with Satan. Cast out evil spirits. Put soul at hazard." underneath it explaining what the job entailed.

Who's a man gotta make a pact with to get that job? I imagine it to either be exactly like the movie Constantine, i.e. shooting demons in the face/beating the unholy shit out of Gavin Rossdale/Peter Stormare is the devil. Or maybe it's like being part of the SWAT team where you rappel out of a helicopter in cardinal's robes with a bunch of Benedictine monks holding Kalashnikovs, kick open a door/swing through a window, boot the afflicted in the chest, smash a vial of holy water on them, touch a cross to their forehead, a little Nomine Patris, Filii, et Spiritus Sancti later, and to get back in the helicopter and go off to save the next poor soul... for the Pope.

At least the Church is finally starting to blame the Devil for all the shady shit that goes on and is covered up. A little man in a red horned suit carrying a hayfork is a better religious explanation for covering up child abuse than saying "everyone was doing it", claiming the Pope is being set up, or just outright defending it. "The Devil did it" is a much better reason. It's somehow makes it all less evil.

Get a job: destroying the country edition

Sure, no one has a job and the Senate's decision to push off health care to put a laser like focus on jobs hasn't resulted in jobs, jobs bills passing, or, at the very least, a cool laser display possibly set to Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon. But thankfully the census is upon us.

I know what you're saying: "Isn't the census a tool to increase slavery, just like Glenn Beck claims or just a pretext to internment and re-education camps like Michelle Bachmann says?" Yes, yes it is. Especially the slavery thing. But it is also a roaring jobs creator that will mask the ongoing economic horrors for a little while.

The U.S. Census Bureau expects to add up to 750,000 workers to its payroll by May, a hiring binge that could knock the unemployment rate down by as much as a half-point.

The once-a-decade census is coming at the best possible time for President Barack Obama and congressional Democrats, who have taken political lumps for more than a year over a jobless rate that stands at 9.7 percent.
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“This is the best-timed census you could ever dream of,” said Heidi Shierholz, who tracks the labor market at the left-leaning Economic Policy Institute. She believes the March unemployment report will show the economy added jobs instead of subtracting them.

Whoo-hoo! A once a decade temporary jobs to mask our anemic job creation! Temporary jobs for everyone! Everything is fixed. Cancel those jobs bills, they weren't going to pass anyway.

Now of course you're all worried about the slavery thing and the re-education camp thing, not to mention the whole "ACORN" angle, how it's all a front to steal your property, indoctrinate your children, prep for a UN invasion, target undesirables for predator drone attacks, a White House power grab, and an illegal immigrant takeover. But to this I say: wouldn't you rather be on the inside, perpetrating these simultaneous coups, attacks, and invasions from disparate groups, then be subject to them? I know I would.

So if you need a job and perhaps want to facilitate Ban Ki-Moon's takeover of the contiguous United States, then may I suggest taking a job with the US Census. It's really the only job that's going to be created in the next year. Happy interring and predator drone bombing!

Lazy poors

Jim Bunning is a crotchety old man. Really crotchety. He might be all crotch. He of course is the man singlehandedly holding up an uncontroversial vote on a bundle of several measures in the Senate. Because he's refusing to consent to a unanimous consent and voice vote and has forced a cloture vote, several days will have to pass before a vote can be taken and in that time several things will expire: unemployment insurance benefits and COBRA health care for laid off workers, highway funds that resulted in the unpaid furloughing of thousands of employees, a Medicare reimbursement rate that will result in a 21% cut for doctors, and provision that allows people to watch local TV on satellites. That last one isn't that important.

It's a small bill, around $10 billion, and it's passage was so obvious and necessary that even Senate GOP leaders were going to let it pass on a voice vote. Bunning had other ideas, gummed up the works, all these programs expired, and his response to the overwhelming negative reaction and demonization of his bullshit has been, alternately, to whine about how he had to miss a basketball game in order to fuck people over who lost their jobs, yell out "tough shit", and flip off reporters. Because he's an adult.

But because he's a Republican and Republicans can only be criticized for being too liberal and not too conservative, GOP Senators can't quite bring themselves to criticize this politically disastrous and unpopular move. John Kyl is one of those people.

Sen. Jon Kyl of Arizona, the Republican whip, argued that unemployment benefits dissuade people from job-hunting "because people are being paid even though they're not working."

Unemployment insurance "doesn't create new jobs. In fact, if anything, continuing to pay people unemployment compensation is a disincentive for them to seek new work," Kyl said during debate over whether unemployment insurance and other benefits that expired amid GOP objections Sunday should be extended.

Yes, life is grand on unemployment. Who wouldn't want to live on the king's ransom that is a sub-poverty level stipend that you will invariably use to buy cheap government COBRA health insurance to cover the health insurance you just lost. Or would, if Bunning didn't also block that. Plus in this economy, we all know the reason unemployment is at 10% is because people just don't want to take jobs. "Life's too good on unemployment," they say, "I'll just wait until something catches my eye." It's not so much an economic and jobs crisis in this country as it is a lazy poor people and socialism crisis.

Just when you think Demcorats have annoyed and pissed off enough people to make their loss in November all but ensured, the GOP roars back and yells at the top its lungs "Don't forget, we're massive uncaring assholes. Here, watch us spitefully hurt you for no reason!" Perhaps next time, head Crazy Uncle Jim off at the pass and explain to him why what he's about to do is a bad idea, and after he flips you off and ignores you, at least have the common sense not to publicly support it and claim that what he's doing is good, because in the long run it'll help with the self-esteem issues of the long-term unemployed. Just a suggestion.

The perils of obstructionism

Kentucky Senator Jim Bunning is mad as hell. He's mad at those people who want to use fanciful digital converters to see Hollywood homosexuals cavortin' and caperin' on the picture box and he's mad that all those goldbrickin' sons a bitches without jobs who can't throw a baseball like he used to throw a baseball want to partake in the socialist enterprise known as unemployment insurance. So that's why he, despite calls from even his own GOP leadership, refused to allow a vote on the bill that contained measures on both subjects.

When it was pointed out just what the extent of his blinkered opposition would do to people and how he should drop his objection, he casually blurted out "Tough shit" to those who would not see the wisdom in his ways. But then, in a moment of self reflection, Bunning took time to lament for those who had been unfairly harmed by his obstructionism.

And at one point during the debate, which dragged on till nearly midnight, Bunning complained of missing a basketball game.

"I have missed the Kentucky-South Carolina game that started at 9:00," he said,
"and it's the only redeeming chance we had to beat South Carolina since they're the only team that has beat Kentucky this year.

"Gentlemen, it seems I have been hoisted on my own petard. Will someone think of my suffering?"

But amidst this debate over extending unemployment benefits, one silver lining was revealed.

The unemployment rate in Kentucky is 10.7 percent.

I hope they're the first ones that go broke.

Thanks Jim, stay classy.

Heresy

Sure the stimulus was too small. It wasn't focused enough on jobs. It wasted to much of it's girth on tax cuts that don't stimulate and economy. Tons of truly useful ideas were hacked out in the name of Ben Nelson and the Maine Senators looking like they were doing something. The bill still hasn't given us the free candy and blowjob we were explicitly promised.

Still, when it comes down to it, the bill that should have been better and our elected betters should have taken more seriously, largely did the job it was designed to do. Or should I say, did it's job as well as possible given the moronic confines the Senate placed on it. So sayeth economic experts.

Just look at the outside evaluations of the stimulus. Perhaps the best-known economic research firms are IHS Global Insight, Macroeconomic Advisers and Moody’s Economy.com. They all estimate that the bill has added 1.6 million to 1.8 million jobs so far and that its ultimate impact will be roughly 2.5 million jobs. The Congressional Budget Office, an independent agency, considers these estimates to be conservative.
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For that, the stimulus package, flaws and all, deserves a big heaping of credit. “It prevented things from getting much worse than they otherwise would have been,” Nariman Behravesh, Global Insight’s chief economist, says. “I think everyone would have to acknowledge that’s a good thing.”

Acknowledging basic reality? Nariman my man, have you met this country or it's political leaders?

But there's a nice bit of news that while good, still doesn't make anyone feel better about the economy or it's prospects for the future. Somehow "When faced with the greatest economic crisis in our lifetimes, government struggled to enact a party line vote on a watered down measure that eventually ended up stemming the tide" doesn't engender Carnivale type celebrations. There's that.

And although our elected betters have seen the successes and learned from a rash of experts how the failure to make the bill big enough hindered making real headway into job and economic numbers, they're still going with small bore economic measures, cheap gamesmanship, obstruction, zero sum politics, lying, and minuscule bills in an attempt to address the jobs issue. Given a spot of good weather and large sections of the government growing a conscience, some of those bills might make it far enough to fall just short of getting the required votes to end a filibuster in the Senate. There's also that.

But hey, an additional 2 million of you would be unemployed and the economic numbers would still be flailing if not for the stimulus. I guess that's something.

Immediate failure

You may or may not have noticed two things yesterday. One: you still didn't have a job. Two: Congress still wasn't doing anything to make it more likely that you could potentially find the job.

Well, you're probably used to the first one by now. You come to terms with it daily down at the bar as you beg for spare change from college kids and more successful panhandlers to "Help a poor man out" and buy you a shot or two or twelve of Vladimir. You might be a little more surprised at the second one. Not that surprised, this is the US government we're talking about after all, but our elected betters have been talking a good game recently about getting something done and in a fit of despair and cheap Russian vodka you might have been inebriated enough to place hope in these vague promises.

Well after having their initial attempts at getting a bill passed derailed by snow, they finally hunkered down to hammer out and pass a jobs bill... for a good, hard 15 minutes or so.

This afternoon, Senate Finance Committee Chairman Max Baucus announced he'd reached accord with ranking member Sen. Chuck Grassley (R-IA). They unveiled what was supposed to be a final jobs package.

Oh goodie, they did such a bang up job with the health care bill I'm so glad they were able to get their hands on a jobs bill. I think you see where this is going.

But the agreement didn't sit well with many Democrats, and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid has pulled it out of their hands, and announced he'd move ahead with a smaller bill.
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Liberal Democrats were not pleased with the Baucus-Grassley compromise. Among other things, Baucus and Grassley said that jobs could only move forward if the Senate agreed to take up a bipartisan "reform" (a.k.a. slashing) of the estate tax.

Yep, certainly the critical pillar of getting Americans back to work and encouraging businesses to hire again is providing a massive tax break to multi-millionaires so that when they die they can leave those millions to their rich kids without Uncle Sam wetting his star-spangled beak. I'm glad someone in Congress valiantly stood up to fight for this trenchant economic theory that so many respected economists have claimed is the major reason unemployment is hovering around 10%. I mean why can't Paris Hilton collect as much as she's entitled to? Those extra millions could add a few more jobs in the economical ravaged small dog handler sector.

But good on the Democrats for showing that it is possible for them to learn. Sure they did the same old thing they always do: listen to Lucy say she's gonna let them kick the football, line up and then start running full bore at the football. But this time, perhaps due to the help of a beagle or chattering yellow bird, they realized on the run-up that pain and suffering was imminent and pulled up. Maybe there's hope for them yet.

Get a job

I am not an economist. I think that much has been made clear by my blinkered bafflement with even the most basic of numbers. It's even in my official title: Brutal Overlord of the Northern Hemisphere, Direct Conduit to God, Party Chip and Dip Specialist, and Chief Non-Economist of These Bastards. But even I had to notice something bizarre with the jobs numbers. More people lost their jobs... but the unemployment and underemployment numbers went down. Guh?

The United States economy shed 20,000 jobs in January, the government said Friday, deepening concern that relief from the deepest economic downturn in a generation would be slow to come. But even as the economy struggled to start creating jobs again, the unemployment rate fell to 9.7 percent from 10 percent in December.

As the broader economy gains steam and crucial sectors like manufacturing spring back to life, analysts say the recovery appears to be intact. But the nation’s stubbornly high unemployment rate remains a persistent thorn in the side of optimists, and economists expect the situation to worsen before it gets better.
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Many more Americans, even those with jobs, are feeling the pinch. The underemployment rate, which counts people who have given up looking for work and those who are working part-time because of a lack of full-time positions, rose for much of last year. In January, it touched 16.5 percent, down from 17.3 percent in December.

It think I have it figured out: it has to do with alternate timelines, a seemingly evil timeless being made of smoke impersonating another man, a secret island existing outside of time and space, and wizards. Don't forget about the wizards.

Lesser wizard Paul Krugman explains that economics in general and the jobs numbers especially are all just a meaningless, confusing crapshoot and that nothing concrete can ever be drawn for the pointless void of numbers and math with which he has devoted his life to. OK, maybe he didn't say that, but he did say that these numbers were derived from multiple surveys and only rough indicators of economic strength. Yes yes, an endless nothing, existence is meaningless... we get it, Paul.

So what next? Will we shed more jobs while unemployment still falls? Will a discernible human ever get a new job in this country? Will these numbers spur or slow our elected betters in the Senate to actually start up on that jobs bill thing that they just had to kill health care reform in order to get to? Or are we all just going to continue to slog through a middling economy with 10% employment as nothing is done to improve the situation of actual Americans and we permanently teeter on the brink of total collapse? According to most economists, it's that last one. Oh well, good luck finding a job! It theoretically got easier, supposedly.

Health care: run away!

It should be of little surprise, really. It was expected. I don't know why I thought that this time might be different. Health care reform is effectively dead for a while, which might just mean it is effectively dead. Why? Because Democrats have decided to assume their familiar position, one of grabbed ankles, pants around ankles, and a look that says "don't harm the plumbing too much back there." The Senate feels the health care issue, namely putting through reconciliation measures they were already going to vote for, to be too extreme a measure. Why? Because they can apparently see a future where not passing health care reform was a great idea.

So instead, because they can't do more than one thing at a time and literally every Senator is going to be working on this new priority, they've decided to pivot from health care to anything that anyone will throw at them in order to plausibly provide them with an excuse to get them away from health care. That thing is jobs, which they've decided is kind of important now after a year of not doing anything about it.

The White House on Thursday signaled the outlines of its strategy for breaking the partisan logjam holding up President Obama’s agenda, saying Democrats would move quickly to underline their commitment to fixing the broken economy and to build an election-year case against Republicans if they do not cooperate.

With Mr. Obama’s health care overhaul stalled on Capitol Hill, Rahm Emanuel, the White House chief of staff, said in an interview that Democrats would try to act first on job creation, reducing the deficit and imposing tighter regulation on banks before returning to the health measure, the president’s top priority from last year.

Yes yes, sure sure, good good. I'm sure the Republicans will hop on board to help you with an important priority. If there's one thing we've learned about the GOP it's that they certainly aren't interested in yanking the country down on itself if there's a slight chance it'll benefit them politically. Gee I wonder how the first attempt at this this year, where you tried to pass a measure the GOP supported, namely pay-as-you-go rules for the budget? What, they opposed in en masse? Including several GOP Senators who explicitly expressed support for the measure? Shocking.

I wonder what there contribution to the jobs debate will be. How does the New York Times phrase it? "[I]nstant Republican resistance to the jobs plan", a jobs plan which hasn't even been articulated. I'm sure this will go well.

So good job, Democrats. I'm sure that running shrieking from health care to the issue of jobs, because two things at once is hard, is going to work out for you. Hell, I foresee a future where both health care reform and an actual, working jobs bill are passed with enough time to be enacted before the election. The election being your only real concern at this point. This, like all your plans and legislative strategies, will totally work. Why shouldn't people trust you? You're the Democrats! Things things always go well for you and, by extension, the American people.

Asshole advocates for asshole

With the confirmation of Ben Bernanke seeming to take a happy little detour into the bottomless canyon of failure that is the United States Senate, a stifled yawn and cries of "No really, that's a shame, awwwwwwww" are coming up from most casual observers and critics of the Fed Chairman. Mostly that stems from the fact that he either completely failed to see or completely failed to act on the large housing bubble, seems intent on ignoring his mandate to attempt to get this country to full employment, and that his sole claim to fame as Fed Chairman seems to be that he hasn't fucked up during this recession. Which, seeing as how things are still shitty, isn't much of an endorsement.

But there are people coming to Ben's defense. It's just a shame it's another guy everyone thinks is fucking up.

Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner warned that the financial markets would view a Senate rejection of Ben Bernanke's renomination as "very troubling" but said he's sure the embattled Federal Reserve chairman will prevail.
...
"He's done a remarkable job of helping steer this economy out of the great recession. And I think he'll play a very important role in helping in the success of our efforts to try to make sure we are bringing this economy back to durable growth."

Asked about possible market reaction to a defeat, Geithner said: "I think the markets would view that as a very troubling thing to the economy as a whole."

First off? This country: not steered out of a recession. Point of fact: still in recession. Point of other fact: looks to be in recession for foreseeable future. Second point: country is not being brought back to durable growth.

And threats of a Wall Street tantrum, also echoed in this Washington Post editorial that echoes the same line of bullshit Geithner is slinging? Well I imagine they would be pretty pissed off if a guy who has been looking out for them and only them was suddenly out of a job, but I'm not that concerned about their feelings. I have this bizarre idea that the economy isn't some GDP number or stock market number; that the economy is about the relative financial health and stability of the people in the economy.

Now I know when Bernanke was made our Infallible Money Jesus he, like those who came before him, ceased to be a mere mortal as his brain became attuned to what our financial Gods wanted and his proclamations became unerring law. But people seem to look at the results of his tenure, not like what they see, and want a guy who was, you know, ahead of the curve and maybe interested in their problems. 10% unemployment does irrational things like that. It's this foreign concept some refer to as "holding people responsible for their performance." We don't do it too often with financial leaders, so I can see why it's such a shock it might be happening to Benny.

I know it's hard to understand, but there was a time in this country when Ben Bernanke wasn't the head of the Fed. Time still flowed forwards and the fabric of the universe was still held together. I'm just saying I think it might be possible, nay probable, that the universe won't compress itself into a singularity if Ben Bernanke has to return to Princeton and he gets replaced by someone who gives a fuck about things that aren't massively giant financial corporations. But, then again, I've been wrong before.

Awwww

Senate Dems Not Sure They Can Get Enough Votes to Reconfirm Bernanke

Amidst the voter anger at Wall Street and Washington, D.C., ABC News has learned that the Senate Democratic leadership isn't sure there are enough votes to re-confirm Ben Bernanke for another term as chairman of the Federal Reserve.

Bernanke's term expires on Jan. 31.

What a shame. I just can't believe that in this day an age an ostensible agent of government who feels it is his duty to look out for financial and banking giants at the expense of people, completely neglects the bolded large print declaration that the central bank is supposed to be committed to enacting polices that promote full employment, tilts at windmills and the imaginary dragons of inflation, presided over a disaster, did nothing to stop it or foresee it, and is unpopular with the American people, isn't finding much support in Congress.

As an added bonus, it seems that Geithner is on the outs as well. Hey, I guess better late than never. Sad that it has to take months and months of deeply unpopular toadying to the people who ruined the economy before someone speaks up and says "Maybe... this is a... bad... idea?" while someone else tentatively nods in agreement. Or as Matt Taibbi puts it "the government only starts listening to its voters once the more corrupt option turns out to be untenable."

So soon we might have a new head of the FED and, if Obama seems to be moving away from his ideas, a new head of the Treasury. Hah! Just kidding. Did you see the confirmation rate in the Senate for Presidential appointees? Even if he dumps the both of them, it'll be years before both positions were filled. I'm not sure if those would be bad things at this point, but that's where we are. That is unless Senate Democrats are able to muster some sort of unified and bipartisan support for something supported by the President. LOLersaktes!

So sorry Ben. Bitches will eventually know about your rate cuts and we all appreciate your rocket cycle heroics, but we just can't let you run things anymore. I guess it's back to Princeton to boss around Krugman. That might be as fun as swimming in the Fed's money vault. Fare thee well.

Get a job

Well the new employment stats are in and yes, we lost more jobs again and the economic outlook appears grim. Or should I say "still appears grim". The economy shed 85,000 jobs, unemployment stayed at 10%, the workforce dropped by 661,000 as people quit looking for jobs, underemployment rose to 17.3%, and I accidentally made eye contact with a homeless man on Grant Street. It was totally awkward.

But lost in all the whinging about "Oooh the misery" and "I can't feed my family" and "I have no money" and "When I look at my husband his head morphs into a delicious looking roast turkey and I start comically salivating" is this bit of good news:

The latest monthly snapshot of the national job market released by the Labor Department on Friday provided one potentially encouraging milestone: Data for November was revised to show that the economy gained 4,000 net jobs that month, in contrast to initial reports showing a loss of 11,000 jobs. That marked the first monthly improvement since the recession began two years ago.

Yeah, that's right: at some point in this miserable economy, an actual net job was created. I'll break out the fine china, you call the specialty snooty foods store to see if they have a pallet of beluga caviar and toast points sitting in the back. Now I know 4,000 doesn't sound like a lot of jobs. But if you were to think of it in terms of Single A minor league baseball attendance, you'd be thrilled. Especially if you didn't have to throw a bobble head or fireworks night to get that many people through the turnstiles.

Unfortunately we at the These Bastards Economic Analysis and Financial Services Weapons Depot have talked to some of our sources in the Department of Labor and have been told that the 4,000 jobs created number will be revised downwards next month. There's still job creation, but it's being revised to only one actual job that was created. So we'd like to congratulate last month's lucky job recipient, one Phyllis Walden of Boise, Idaho who was hired as a cashier at the local CostCo. Congratulations on your achievement and please accept our solemn condolences in recognition of the fact that you lost that job this month.

Ah well Phyllis, maybe you'll get it back next month. Though, to be realistic, probably more like early 2011 if current economic predictions hold. Hope you can hold out until then.

Chart of the day

The Washington Post brings us this little nugget of post decade statistical reflection. The past decade was the worst for jobs... in the last seven decades. Take heart in the fact that the only reason that they aren't willing to say "worst job growth in the history of the United States of Freemerica" is because the Great Depression existed. That's a kind of good news... isn't it?

Anyway, just think of all the stories of hardship you'll be able to tell your grandkids. Instead of tales about walking up a hill to go to school (both ways) you'll be able to show them charts and complex statistical comparisons proving that point. Kids love stats and graphs, right?

Get a job

Jobs are on the agenda again. Why? Because it's either talk about jobs, talk about the disappointing Senate bullshit going on with health care, talking about future disappointing Senate bullshit with regards to Copenhagen and climate legislation, or talk about Sarah Palin's book. Clearly jobs are the only recourse for retaining some level of sanity.

President Obama is concerned about jobs, which is why he's going to give a major speech today outlining help for highways and small businesses, bridges and energy-efficient homes as avenues for action, funding avenues, using leftover/repaid funds from the surprisingly efficient TARP fund to pay down the debt or small business lending, and other various options for maybe getting unemployment under 10% sometime before we have to stop trying to come up with a grouping name for this decade (the aughts?) and come up with one for the next decade (the teens...plus some others?). But don't worry, dear readers, Obama isn't the only one concerned about jobs, the GOP clearly has an alternative and concrete plan for success that they want you to know about. They unveiled it at the Economist's World in 2010 Conference.

DANIEL FRANKLIN: What is the big idea? “Jobs” is not an idea.

ERIC CANTOR: The big idea is to get, to get, to produce an environment where we can have job creation again. And see, that’s where the Obama administration’s agenda so clearly disadvantages the Democrats in this upcoming election in eleven months and advantages us.

Stupid guy from the Economist, saying 'jobs' is a plan and saying 'produce an environment where we can have job creation', perhaps through magic, is a specific plan. They're for 'jobs', what more do you want? For them to actually support job creating plans like the American Reinvestment and Recovery Act or a newer, more specifically targeted towards jobs plan? For them to stop openly relishing the fact that poor jobs numbers a year from now and the complete stalling of any attempted action will benefit them politically? Madness.

So don't worry, Jobless-Americans, Eric Cantor has a notion that jobs are important and that you should probably have one. That idea won't move any further than that, so I hope that his positive thoughts on that and a good economy helped you find work.