Cheap Blogging Crutch 06.28

The crime of San Francisco represented topographically. This is prostitution.

In shocking news, an incredibly old man died of incredibly old age. The shocking part isn't that Robert Byrd died or that, at 92, he wasn't even all that old by US Senate standards, it's that we still see fit to send 70+ year old men to serve and then get surprised when they don't understand the issues of the day and enact legislation at the same pace at which they fuck. This is sad for West Virginia because with Byrd's passing this is the last time anyone of note will remember that it is a state and worthy of attention.

Unsurprisingly, the easily foreseeable death of a man that we all should be surprised lived this long has thrown financial reform into disarray. Byrd was the 60th vote. So now an already weak bill that had to add in tons of loopholes, crooked deals, giveaways, and purposefully fails to address the problems that caused our economic crisis to get to 60 votes in the first place, will have to be weakened and compromised further in order to pick up one more vote. I'm just saying don't be surprised if it becomes legal for a Goldman Sachs employee to gun you down in the street in cold blood.

By the by, what's in that financial reform bill anyway? Wonk Room has an overview. FDL has an overview of all the cut rate, cheap shit, last minute carve-outs that were put in despite the fact they benefit no discernible human. Did you know auto dealers are exempt from any consumer protection agency? Because if there's a group of people with a sterling reputation for looking out for consumers, it's car dealers. On the bright side, Sen. Scott Brown scored a bunch of special deals for his corporate masters in order to buy his support... and he then pledged to vote against the bill. So of course this means they'll take out his shady deals and improve the bill, right? Of course not.

Not that any of this matters anyway. As Paul Krugman explains, we're entering a Third Depression: the Long Depression. And why is this? Because our elected betters and the elected betters around the world have decided to focus on imaginary problems instead of real ones. Namely focusing on inflation that isn't occurring and focusing on cutting back spending that isn't at adequate levels in the first place. On the bright side, suffering builds character. And a decade from now the world will have a shitload of character.

Every time Sean or I wants to write another one of the 'Our Betters' Joe Biden pieces, the Veep has to go out of his way to set the satire bar a little higher than we thought it could go. This time Joe was slinging ice cream in Wisconsin, calling people smartasses. We've said it time and time again: we have to make the VP a lifetime position and soon.

We end on a sad note today as we learn that Texas, bane of education and facts, actually can't afford to buy all those textbooks they want to have changed. The main culprit on kids not getting textbooks: their stubborn, grandstanding idiot of a governor, Rick Perry, and his insistence on not taking federal education aid because of the socialism and some dear that it'll somehow weaken their #49 ranking in percentage of adults who have completed high school. Plus, books is witchcraft. There's that.

Comic of the day

Among my many anti-science pet peeves is the seemingly increasing ignorant din over getting kids immunized. Or should I say, not getting kids immunized. So the story goes that in order to protect kids, they should not be vaccinated. Why? Because they'll get The Autism. So ironically in communities where this kind of thinking takes hold, vaccination rates drop, herd immunity is weakened, and kids start dying of easily preventable diseases.

The anti-vaccine nonsense stems almost entirely from a fraudulent study from a British doctor by the name of Andrew Wakefield. A man named Darryl Cunningham decided to tell the tale of Wakefield in comic form. Here is the first panel of the epic strip. Go check the rest out.

I'll note that the story has a happy ending. Last week Wakefield was found guilty of serious professional misconduct and of acting in a "dishonest", "misleading" and "irresponsible" manner by the General Medical Council of England. He was struck off the GMC register, which is essentially the British medical equivalent of being disbarred.

On the negative side, he's still allowed to spout his nonsense, having retreated to Texas (obviously) to set up his base of operations for what he calls "educating" but is more like "getting kids killed from easily preventable diseases." And he's still making appearances on TV as an "expert", hitting NBC Today on Monday. Yay America.

Your daily update of what constitutes education in Texas

Well the madness is over and Texas has finally passed the last of their historical "adjustments" to make sure the children of Texas are readily aware that history has a nefarious liberal secular bias. They didn't get to add in all the parts about Indians turning into Mexicans and copious Dracula references that they wanted, but they have enough for now.

Of interest, one of the women on the Texas Board of Education came out and said that public education was a "tool of perversion" and another man referred to any opposition as coming from "the pagan left". So it's nice that the sane people are exercising control over this process.

So what were they able to sneak in at the last moment?

Elevating Confederate Leader Jefferson Davis To The Level Of Abraham Lincoln.

Requiring That Historical Figures — Except Conservative Ones — Must Be Dead For Students To Study Them.

That's right. As the argument went, keeping Davis out was "an attempt to “whitewash” history." Which, given the board's attempts to remove blacks and Latinos from their history books, even rechristen the Atlantic Slave Trade as the Atlantic Triangular Trade, is something the board would know a great deal about. So Davis' speeches are kept in to contrast with Lincoln's speeches. One notable thing about Davis' speeches? They're ones that don't talk about slavery being one of the main reason for secession and the Civil War.

As for the second, yeah, if you're a minority or viewed as a dirty liberal, you can't get into the history books unless you're dead. Even if you're dead, you might not make it in if you've offended these people's imaginary conception of Jesus. Just ask Thomas Jefferson. But if you're white and really conservative? Please, come right into the textbook, if you're having trouble finding room just elbow a founding father or a civil rights pioneer out of the way and have a seat.

But surely not every crackpot idea these goons have gets into these textbooks, right? Shockingly, that's true. Referring to President Barry as Barack Hussein Obama, probably with a couple of Islamic crescents and a black power fist encircling it, was apparently too nakedly political and openly race bait-y for the board. Instead, he's referred to as Barack H. Obama, or, alternately, "The black one that done usurped the White House" and is listed again in the section "12 signs that the rapture is imminent" under the header "Blacks in places blacks shouldn't be."

It's a shame this is over for now. I would have liked to have heard the board opine on European history as well as English Lit requirements. Sadly God doesn't love me enough to have these people take a whack at science requirements. Maybe they did and Bibles have replaced Biology 1010 textbooks. I guess we'll find out. Godspeed, Texas schoolchildren. Just remember, when it comes times to take your SAT's, remember to fill in the bubble for what seems to be the exact opposite of the things you just spent 12 years learning.

Your daily update of what constitutes education in Texas

You have to admire the education board goon in Texas. They've become national pariahs and jokes, they've become a symbol for all that's wrong in our educational system and prioritizing politicization and ideologies over facts, and they've even engendered the beginning of a backlash in their state. Yet still they go on, rewriting history so that maybe, just maybe, kids will have a more positive view of the Republican Party and definitely, definitely have to retake a bunch of basic, high school level history courses if they want to meet the minimum requirements to graduate from college.

So what constitutes history today? What race has been getting it too good in our history books? What awful historical event needs whitewashed? What relatively unimportant event within the conservative movement needs to replace a bit of actual history? Let us find out.

Several changes include... introducing a new focus on the "significant contributions" of pro-slavery Confederate leaders during the civil war.

The new curriculum asserts that "the right to keep and bear arms" is an important element of a democratic society. Study of Sir Isaac Newton is dropped in favour of examining scientific advances through military technology.
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The education board has dropped references to the slave trade in favour of calling it the more innocuous "Atlantic triangular trade", and recasts the Israeli-Palestinian conflict as driven by Islamic fundamentalism.
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Dunbar backed amendments to the curriculum that portray the free enterprise system (there is no mention of capitalism, deemed to be a tainted word) as a cornerstone of liberty and argue that the government should have a minimal role in the economy.

One amendment requires that students be taught that economic prosperity requires "minimal government intrusion and taxation".
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On the education board, Dunbar backed changes that include teaching the role the "Jewish Ten Commandments" played in "political and legal ideas", and the study of the influence of Moses on the US constitution. Dunbar says these are important steps to overturning what she believes is the myth of a separation between church and state in the US.

Ahh Newton you hack, go sit with Jefferson on the swings, we need to learn how George Wallace is the exact same kind of fighter for racial rights as MLK (true, according to Texas curriculum). And thank God the softened the language on the slave trade. Otherwise kids might get an idea that slaves were the only thing being traded. I think some tools and a couple barrels of molasses were involved.

Finally someone is willing to stand up and say that the separation of church and state is a myth. Sure, some wags might point out that it's in the 1st Amendment or that Thomas Jefferson talked about how the combined effects of the Establishment Clause and the Free Exercise Clause in the 1st formed a separation of church and state. But if Jefferson was so important, wouldn't he be part of Texas educational guidelines?

Go read the article and get a little insight into the mind of the Texas school board. The phrase "paranoid persecution fantasies" and "rampant flag eating bullshit" don't even begin to explain their mindset. They believe that God has called them to indoctrinate kids with conservative dogma. Kind of frightening to think about what they'd try to pull if they thought no one was paying attention and they weren't being made national lightening rods. Then again, maybe schoolchildren haven't learned enough about President Jesus H. Christ and His victorious fight against the Kaiser.

Messing with Texas

One must appreciate the fervency with which the Texas right wing has attempted to dumb down kids and fill textbooks with conservative fantasies and nonsense. It takes some stones to de-emphasize Thomas Jefferson so you can get in some claptrap about Phyllis Schlafly and the Moral Majority, pretend Latinos all just jumped the border and started contributing to America about six months ago, go on about how Japanese internment was just peachy, and make sure you've sufficiently provided enough information to the kids about how violent the philosophies of the Black Panthers were in case they got too nice of an idea about black people from MLK.

But, to the credit of Texas, they did finally get rid of Don McElroy, the man spearheading the changes.... except he still has time left on his term to do damage. And he is using every second of that time to its full stupid effect. What more can he have on tap for the Texas textbook standards that will likely affect dozens of additional states? Is another one of the founding fathers going to have to take a back seat so kids can understand how important Rush Limbaugh was to the rise of conservative talk radio? Do we have too favorable an opinion of Frederick Douglass? Are there still no Latinos of any historical note? Let's find out.

The new amendment (.pdf), which is expected to get a vote on Thursday, would require high school history students to "discuss alternatives regarding long term entitlements such as Social Security and Medicare, given the decreasing worker to retiree ratio" and also "evaluate efforts by global organizations to undermine U. S. sovereignty."
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As justification for that second item, McLeroy writes: "Threats of global government to individual freedom and liberty include the votes of the U. N. General Assembly, the International Criminal Court, the U. N. Gun Ban proposal, forced redistribution of American wealth to third world countries, and global environmental initiatives."

Oh Jesus, not only do kids have to learn about the evils of socialism and entitlements, they apparently need to bone up on their UN conspiracy theories. And who can disagree? I mean it is important to learn that the UN is secretly marshaling armies to come and steal everyone's guns as a precursor to robbing us and giving all our money to Africa. Plus they want governments to deal with the environment. *shudders* The horror....

One wonders if staging a junior high Model UN gets you imprisoned now or shot outright. After all, Texas must protect itself from the black helicopters, both real and those ordered by a security council of 14 year-olds in Mr. Carruthers 3rd period Social Studies class. And what of proposals for science classes to analyze the use of tinfoil headgear to block the UN's mind reading satellites? That vote is scheduled for next week.

So congratulations to Texas. Just when I thought your textbook rewriting attempts couldn't get any more weird you fire back with some things that would raise an eyebrow or two at a Teabagger vs. Ron Paul-ite competitive bake-off. Good luck with that. The first sign of a vibrant ideology is ramming through low-rent textbook changes in an attempt to indoctrinate kids. My only consolation is that when I have children they won't have to learn any of this nonsense... they'll have to learn how to dismantle the neural net of a robot before it can get its grabber claw on you and drag you back to the hive mind for "purification of the flesh".

Dick Cheney and an Energy Sink. That's it.

Courtesy of The Infrastructurist comes this handy graph explaining which states should be unceremoniously expelled from our nation on the grounds that their absurdly decentralized populations and resulting per capita energy demands (I'm looking at you, Wyoming) make them a liability. As for Jersey, well, it's not like we really required more evidence.

As per usual, click to (drastically) embiggen.

A census taker once tried to test me...

If there is one thing to respect about the tea baggers -- and believe me, saying there's one thing to respect about them might be giving them way too much credit -- it's their steadfast commitment to staying crazy and abiding by their principles of not understanding anything in every field, not just the fields of taxes and health care.

As you may know, it's a census year. Which means the government takes up it's Constitutionally mandated duty to count the number of Americans for means of Congressional seats, electoral votes, and government funding. As with all things tea bagging, there is apparently also some sort of nefarious conspiracy also attached to the census. Michele Bachmann used to be at the forefront of raging against the census conspiracy, feeling that it was just a front for a future Japanese-style internment among other things, before it was explained to her that if Minnesota ended up losing a Congressional seat because of the census... it would be her seat. She seemed to see the error of her ways.

But she didn't seem to sway many of her fellow tea baggers in believing that the 2010 census isn't a conspiracy between Muslim Caliph Obama and the lizard people to punish and eat those who opposed health care. You thought that with all their whinging about health care and its unconstitutional nature, they would have read the part in the Constitution about the census. Nope. And that has many states worried.

Texas is counting on the 2010 Census to deliver four new congressional districts, four new Electoral College votes in presidential elections, and millions of dollars in additional federal aid. But, as some elected officials are starting to worry, Uncle Sam can't deliver anything to the rapidly growing Sun Belt state unless Texas residents deliver their forms back to the government.
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Instead, a new and growing threat to an accurate national head count is coming from anti-government conservatives who may not fill out their forms to protest against “Big Brother” in Washington.
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There is a reason for the enthusiasm gap on the census: A number of prominent conservative and libertarian Republicans have been blasting the census for months.
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“We've got that hard-to-count element, along with these fringe (anti-government) groups that are advocating resistance,” she said. “They think they are hurting the government. They are really hurting themselves and their communities.

It's funny because it's happening to Texas. Aside from the electoral vote and Congressional representation issues, it is estimated that every uncounted American means a loss of about $12,000 in funding for their state over the next decade. But then again, you do get to take a massive sense of unjustified pride knowing hat you really stuck one to the man and that when the black helicopters come for the people that buy Sean Hannity's books, your ingenious move to not fill out the census will have save you a lifetime of toil in comrade Obama's work camps.

For those of us who don't see a conspiracy around every corner and actually take the time to fill out all 10 ultra-complex questions, it'll just mean our state gets more and Texas will have 1-4 less idiots like Louis Gohmert screaming about God knows what on the TV. It's a good thing.

For a less dumb, but still dumb, form of protest, Facebook has offered up the group For Race, Write Human, where you are supposed to write "Human" in the race sot instead of ticking the box marked American Indian, Negro (seriously), Caucasian, or Asian. I tried, but I accidentally ended up writing "WHITE!!!!!!" with six exclamation points.

Of demons and abortions

If you've looked around the streets of your fair city or town today and have noticed that there seem to bee less crazies in the street panhandling for change, handing our xeroxed pamphlets about Ayn Rand, and ranting about the end times, that's with good reason: they're all in Washington putting on their final teabagger march against health reform. Waving around signs that say "Paid for by the RNC" in a bit of unintended irony and admitting defeat before they have even worked themselves into a full incoherent froth.

But as it is a Tea Party rally, that means there is ample opportunity for GOP Representatives to get up in front of a large crowd of crazies with misspelled placards and vaguely racist characters of our Kenyan President and try to out crazy them. Take for instance Louie Gohmert of, no surprises here, Texas. He decided to go for the gusto.

GOHMERT: I brought the bill that’s being talking about. Now I don’t want to offend anybody, I’m sure that there are people here who think abortion is okay, and I don’t want to make you sick, but I brought an abortion to show you today.

He then held up a bloody fetus high in the air, yelled "fuckin' liberals" and then tomahawk dunked it into a body bag that had "Reserved for Everyone's Grandma" stenciled on it.

Actually he held up the health care bill. He then made some claims about how the bills funds abortion, funds illegal immigrants, funds abortions from illegal immigrants, funds illegal immigrant abortions, and various other combinations of the words "illegals" and "abortion" you can think of. Of course this is not true. I did not have to tell you that, there are plenty of places to tell you that. Hell the bill probably makes abortion laws more restrictive in this country. But screaming facts at a tea bagger rally just isn't the style of the times, so we'll move on.

Gohmert wasn't finished moving on though, and he claimed to sense mystical spirits in the air.

There’s a whole lot of demons going on. There’s a lot of demons around here apparently.

He ain't afraid of no ghost! This bill is possessed! It's got the evil spirits and the ill omens! They call upon the spirit of Ronald Reagan and Hayek to exorcise it! This bill is unclean!

Frankly I just wish they'd pick one line of attack. Is this bill the ominous Ides of March? A vicious Pelosi-led suicide attack? The advent of the grandmapocalypse? A demonic abortion? The dawn of a virulent new socialist-communist hybrid? The end of civilization as we know it? I just want to know what evil I'm contributing to when I find it slightly easier to get slightly cheaper health care in 2014.

Eat it, Jefferson. Eat it hard.

Last week we congratulated Texas for sending Don McElroy, the man who was spearheading Texas' efforts to use school textbooks as a means to rewrite history with a right wing christian conservative bent, packing in a primary contest. But we added in the caveat that the man still had several months left on his term and the board still had a christian conservative bent, so there was still time for them to do some damage. And boy did they ever decide to use the time they had left.

Among the changes made include:

removing a reference to “sex and gender as social constructs” in order to avoid exposing students to “transvestites, transsexuals and who knows what else”, refused to require that students learn the Constitution prevents the U.S. government from promoting one religion over all others, added references to "laws of nature and nature's God" in sections about major political ideas, made the second amendment the only relevant idea in the Bill of Rights, considered it important to learn about "the conservative resurgence of the 1980s and 1990s, including Phyllis Schlafly, the Contract With America, the Heritage Foundation, the Moral Majority and the National Rifle Association", students now learn about the "violent philosophy of the Black Panthers" to counterbalance the nonviolence platform of MLK, tries to excuse the inherent racism of Japanese internment, added apologetics for McCarthyism and the McCarthy hearings because I guess that whole period wasn't all bad, made it so that Hispanics don't exist inside of US history, added ominous references to the "unintended consequences" of of the Great Society legislation, affirmative action and Title IX, removed the word "capitalism" because it has a "negative connotation", and knocked Thomas Jefferson out of the required curriculum and the Enlightenment... mostly because he coined the phrase “separation between church and state”. It also didn't help that he was a paleontologist.

So America is a Christian nation whose founders gave no thought to anything other than Biblical law ruling the land, whites did everything, McCarthyism and internment weren't so bad, and Thomas Jefferson isn't important to US history but Phyllis Schlafly is. Let's let Donny boy explain himself.

“We are adding balance,” said Dr. Don McLeroy, the leader of the conservative faction on the board, after the vote. “History has already been skewed. Academia is skewed too far to the left.”

Yes, reality does have a well known liberal bias. What's one of the non-crazy board members think?

Mary Helen Berlanga, [stormed] out of a meeting late Thursday night, saying, “They can just pretend this is a white America and Hispanics don’t exist.”

Yes they can.

“They are going overboard, they are not experts, they are not historians,” she said. “They are rewriting history, not only of Texas but of the United States and the world.”

Yeah, but if you rewrite history, then it becomes history! See how it works? Ah well, who needed to learn about Thomas Jefferson anyway? If he was important he would have had a bigger role in HBO's John Adams mini-series.

A round of applause for Texas' contributions to education, culture, and knowledge. It's not enough that our culture, media, entertainment, government, politicians, and news work to dumb this country down, now we have to go into books in an attempt to more proactively dumb our kids down. I'm sure it's all for the best, who learns anything from history anyway?

A pat on the head for Texas

It's easy to deride Texas, they give us so much material. Whether it's their constant promotion and encouragement of institutionalized ignorance, their governor's low level insanity and penchant for using his office as a platform to execute innocent men and pander to teabaggers, or Colt McCoy getting injured and Alabama molesting the Longhorns on national TV, the state is funny. 'Trainwreck'/'finding humor in the horror' funny, but funny.

But when the state manages to do something good, it is our duty to point it out and praise them for it. You remember Don McElroy, right? He's the man that was spearheading the effort to rewrite Texas' textbooks to not only espouse unscientific creationist nonsense, but rewrite history book as some sort of conservative/Republican promotional tool and elevate Reagan and Jerry Falwell somewhere above George Washington and Thomas Jefferson in American historical importance. This essentially meant that textbooks would be rewritten for dozens of states. Well, he's going to have to look for a job.

Social conservatives on the State Board of Education suffered a setback with the primary loss of former board chairman Don McLeroy, but the group still aims to have its say on setting new curriculum standards.

Mount Pleasant Republican Thomas Ratliff edged out McLeroy in the GOP primary Tuesday for the board seat...Ratliff's campaign was based in part on reducing the influence of the board's social conservative bloc.
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Ratliff, who got 50.5 percent of the vote, said his long-term goal is to help move the board back to a strong focus on education and remove politics from the process.

Good luck with that. Congrats Texas, you've moved one step away from what we all thought your societal future was: loinclothed, ten gallon hat wearing cavemen shrieking at the sun for cursing the cattle with ill omens.

We aren't going to thank you too hard, Ratliff won by 50.5%, McElroy still has seven fucking months to damage the brains of children, and let's not discount all the damage he's already done, but it seems you are dimly aware of the predicament you are putting yourselves into.

So, mild congratulations abounds.

The coveted These Bastards endorsement

Today are the GOP and Democratic primaries for the Texas Governorship. If you happen to be from Texas, well, FUCK YOU!! Sorry, that just come rushing out of me, I don't know why. Actually, I do. You deserve it.

Irregardless, if you happen to be one of those Texas rarities we call a Democrat and you have not been driven out of the state like so much cattle, then we would like to demand you vote for someone. That man is Farouk.

I don't know if that's his last name or his first name. I don't know if he's an insane person, an average candidate, or Jesus incarnate. I don't know any belief he holds, policy he supports, or anything other than this one single fact: he authorized an autotuned rap/R&B song to remind people to get out and vote for him.

I don't need to hear a second thing.



FAROUK! FAROUK! FAROUK! is on fi-ah!

Serving the community: his numba one des-i-yah!

Please Texas, elect this man to something.

Messing with Texas

There are certain things we like to do on this blog: mock the dead almost as soon as they die, make cheap dick jokes, whine, bitch about religion, and deride Texas. It is because all of these things are easy and several of them involve bitter meanspiritedness. Especially mocking Texas.

What have they done this time? Oh nothing on the level of their previous exploits of taking climate change denial to the courts or using their education board to push right wing conservative dogma and rewrite history. No, it's what they believe. 60%, more or less, of them believe that it was possible that the Flintstones was a documentary, among other things. ....Yeah.

A new University of Texas/Texas Tribune survey shows just how destructive a politicized right-wing curriculum can be. A large number of Texans polled said they still don’t believe in evolution and are convinced that humans and dinosaurs co-existed:

– 51 percent disagree with the statement, “Human beings, as we know them today, developed from earlier species of animals.”

– 38 percent agree with the statement, “God created human beings pretty much in their present form about 10,000 years ago.”

– 30 percent agree with the statement, “Humans and dinosaurs lived at the same time.” Another 30 percent said they “don’t know” whether the statement is true.

That be hilarious if they weren't in he process of basically rewriting the nation's textbooks. God love 'em. No, seriously, God loves them. That is science fact.

Now I'm all for mixing cement in a pelican and the green car movement of Bedrock, but I'm fairly sure Fred and Barney riding on dinosaurs was a creative flourish. But it shows that with a little creative ripping off of the Honeymooners, slapping the words 'rock' or 'granite' into every name, bright colors, and a snappy theme tune can make a cartoon more credible to Texans than the Origin of the Species, carbon dating, and other such methods of witchcraft scientific measurement.

So not only didn't we descend from no monkey, the earth is so young that there was a period of time where prehistoric (but not all that prehistoric) man strapped a saddle to a triceratops before he rode it to his job at the quarry before all the dinosaurs were killed off because God didn't tell Noah to take a multitude of thunder-lizards on his ark. Because the tyrannosaurus rejected the word of God or something.

That all seems plausible, I can see why Texans believe it in frightening numbers. It certainly makes more sense than listening to the collected ramblings thousands of scientists who have observed and studied the fossil record over hundreds of years. Those people aren't God and their books don't involve giants, men with powerful hair, and spontaneous booze transmogrification. You know, like real science books (of God) have. I think Texas has it all figured out. Thank God we have them to show us the way.

Messing with Texas

One must marvel at the gusto with which Texas Governor Rick Perry attempts to pander to the fringe tea party activists he evidently think pack his state. From secessions threats, to his criminal negligence and collusion in covering up death penalty and legal issues, and his complete rejection and denunciation of Washington... except for all those times when he goes to them begging hat in hand for money. He's a real class act.

So that's why it's nice to see him double down on the crazy in an attempt to win the GOP nomination for Governor. What's he up to this time? Chuck Norris as a border guard and Secretary of Kicking Ass? Sovereign Texas money with Jesus on it? Cheap anti-science, pro-corporate stunts? Set another fire at the Governor's mansion? Decrying the stimulus while at an event touting money for and jobs saved by a stimulus project he's taking credit for? It was the science one. But it has a secessionist bent too. State's rights!

Gov. Rick Perry of Texas is suing the Environmental Protection Agency in a bid to stop it from regulating global warming pollution. The centerpiece of his argument? Those leaked "Climate-Gate" emails.
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Flanked by his attorney general, Greg Abbott, Perry declared at a press conference that the lawsuit was intended to "defend Texas' environmental successes against federal overreach." And he slammed the Obama administration for "using sweeping mandates and draconian punishments to force a square peg of their vision into the round whole of reality."

Abbott cited the emails to charge that the EPA was using "tainted data" when it ruled in December that heat-trapping gases are a threat to human health and can be regulated by the federal government.

Now, we all know where this one is going. Of course the hacked e-mails don't say anything near what Perry and Abbot say they do. Or even if e-mails from two scientists about their own research proved that their numbers were wrong or faked, that it doesn't invalidate all the multitudinous data from thousands of scientists in hundreds of disparate fields, across various disciplines, stationed everywhere across the globe that show what everyone knows the planetary scientific consensus is: planet warming, bad for humans. Or that if your position about climate change being a hoax was so strong you wouldn't have to lie about leaked e-mails. But that's not going to stop Perry. No, he's got two strong primary challengers, needs to rally the base, and most of his money and support comes from energy interests. Priorities people, priorities.

So big ups to Perry and Texas (ooh, and Virginia too, who has an attorney general with lots of ties to energy interests as well). You aren't going to let a little thing like science stand in the way of political grandstanding, primary politics, corporate whoring, and placing short term electoral and economic goals over long term economic and environmental ones. But I guess you've got a big state and can afford to see some of it under water. Plus, who is going to notice a couple degree increase in temperature when it's already hot as hell? Well done. I hope they make you double governor.

Quote of the Day

Former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, telling the student newspaper of Texas Tech how he is inspiring his students now that the Red Raiders have inexplicably allowed him to teach there.

Gonzales said he wants to encourage Tech students to have high aspirations but to realize that success doesn’t come overnight.

“Dream big but be patient,” he said. “You never know when the next George W. Bush is going to come along and give you a once in a lifetime opportunity like he gave me, but you have to be patient.

"Kids, I'm a big believer in dreams coming true. And one day, if you dream hard enough, a rich, pampered, idiot manchild will like the way you don't talk back to or contradict him. And when he gets swept into higher office, he will drag you along on his coattails and sweep you into a position you are grossly unqualified for. Whereupon, if you're lucky, you'll get to fuck with the most basic institutions of law with an almost sociopathic disregard for ethics or basic humanity. Dream big! It worked for me!"

I imagine at this point his students lifted him up on their shoulders and carried him out triumphantly, chanting "Fre-do, Fre-do, Fre-d0!" After all, who doesn't dream of being a mindless, yes-man cipher who goes on to become a disgraced halfwit all based around not what they know, but who they know? That's preparing kids for the future in a manner that is surely worth the $15k in-state and $23k out-of-state tuition cost.

Just desserts

Let's say you're Texas, the state known for it's streak of independence and the fact that everything is bigger there. Because of that your laws have to be bigger and more independent than any other state in the union. So when one of the two things your state is most known for possessing (*psst*, it's the "and queers" part of "steers and queers") wants to get married against the wishes of God, then you have to create the biggest and most comprehensive law banning their unholy coupling. Yeah........how'd that work out?

Barbara Ann Radnofsky, a Houston lawyer and Democratic candidate for attorney general, says that a 22-word clause in a 2005 constitutional amendment designed to ban gay marriages erroneously endangers the legal status of all marriages in the state.
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But the trouble-making phrase, as Radnofsky sees it, is Subsection B, which declares:

"This state or a political subdivision of this state may not create or recognize any legal status identical or similar to marriage."
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But Radnofsky, who was a member of the powerhouse Vinson & Elkins law firm in Houston for 27 years until retiring in 2006, says the wording of Subsection B effectively "eliminates marriage in Texas," including common-law marriages.

Whoops. All along we've been told that it was the gays that were going to destroy marriage. Turns out it was the Texas legislature with an assist from Texas citizens. I have to say that is quite a commitment to marriage and homo-shunning. I mean to just wall off marriage in a hermetically sealed container, never to be touched or used by anyone after 2005? That's dedication to the institution. Now no one can ruin it. Not the gays or all the politicians in Texas who are on their third wife. Hey, I have a great tourism slogan for you: "Texas: a great place for singles....because no one can ever get legally married here."

So I offer a hearty congratulations to the people of Texas. You didn't just go with the standard homo bashing that's good enough for most states, you went big with the fag-hatin', as is your custom, ...and now marriage doesn't count in your state. Point and laugh at Texas children, point and laugh. We all eagerly await your next comical folly in an attempt to strip people of rights and treat them as second class citizens. May I suggest a referendum on illegal immigrants that strips everyone in the state of their US citizenship? Ahh, I'm sure you've got something even better cooked up.

Nice to see the kid doing well

When last we left former President Bush we were all exhaling in relief as he finally left Washington for good, frantically reassuring each other that there was no way he could still enact legislation anymore. But we all wondered what he would get up to in his post-Presidential years. Would he try to become a large scale player on the international humanitarian field like Bill Clinton and his Clinton Global Initiative? Would he build houses and try to act as a foreign policy conscience like Jimmy Carter? Or would he do one of the things we all hoped he do, like get arrested and prosecuted for all the shit he did while he was President, or, even better, get rabies during a possum hunting trip?

None of the above. No, after finding that people didn't want to hear him on the lecture circuit, he found something more on his level: stealing gigs from 3rd string Dallas Cowboys running backs from the eighties, ex-Texas A&M linebackers who found God, and fifth tier Tony Robbins' wannabes on the motivational speaker circuit.

Yesterday, he spoke to nearly 15,000 people at the “Get Motivated!” seminar in Forth Worth, TX. He mostly focused on “lighter topics such as picking out a rug design for the Oval Office that reflected his ‘optimism.’” The Dallas News reports that for this 28-minute speech, Bush received at least $100,000 — a rate of $3571 per minute:
...
It was a rousing, upbeat celebration of positive thinking and conspicuous success. Speakers were introduced with peppy music, confetti drops and bursts of pyrotechnics exploding from each corner of the stage (but not for Bush – Secret Service orders).

Oh a rousing time was had by all. There was even a greatest hits recap from his Presidency as a protester with an "Arrest Bush" sign was forceably removed from the proceedings so that the boy former-king wouldn't have to see it. Hell, even Terry Bradshaw was there throwing out "Pigs for Jesus" wristbands, promoting a nonprofit slaughter operation that benefits children. Seriously. That actually happened. So you can see why an ex-President would want to be involved and make plans to do another: the prestige. Just kidding, it's obviously the money. $100,000 smackeroos just for bullshitting about the Oval Office rug and justifying your massive unpopularity to an underwhelmed audience. Nice to see him cash in at his own intellectual level. He's earned it.

Culinary wizardry

Butter balls: it's not just a nickname the longshoremen gave Sean

Do you see what Texas gets up to when we leave it alone for a few seconds to deal with a flaming California?

Deep fried butter is among eight creative treats available at the Texas State Fair. “100 percent pure butter is whipped 'til light and fluffy, then specially sweetened with a choice of several flavors.” It is then surrounded by a “special dough” and quick-fried.

That's it Texas, you're so close. You've almost figured out a way to kill yourselves with food. I would have thought putting a gun in your mouth would be quicker, but you guys like it slow and painful. It's funny, you eat like a people who are going to need expensive end of life care, but you vote to oppose better health coverage and palliative care. Ah well, at least you decided to make your irony taste buttery instead of bitter.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 08.05

G-20 cultural sites picked to host world leaders
The City of Pittsburgh has finally picked the cultural sites which the President and First Lady will use for G-20 cultural events. Among the main sites are the Phipps Conservatory and the Andy Warhol Museum, but Primanti Brothers Sandwich Shop, the Butler County Fair, and the place where Sienna Miller declared the town "Shitsburgh" have been offered up a secondary sites. The City has also offered up a "Tailgate with the Mayor" mixer for the world's dignitaries, to be held in the east parking lot in front of Heinz Field before the Steelers/Bengals game. After the kielbasa is served the world leaders are invited to watch the game on a portable TV the mayor will have set up near the grill.

Bon Iver, Thom Yorke confirmed for 'New Moon'
Hey, remember that period of time where you thought Thom Yorke had complete musical integrity and you were starting to think well of Bon Iver? Yeah...about that. Not only are they on the soundtrack to the Twilight sequel, they're writing new songs specifically for the film. Probably about vampires fighting werewolves and teen-angsty, crypto-Mormon love. Ah well, at least Johnny Greenwood isn't scoring Transformers 3.

The Double-J Wants $90 For That Pizza, Please
Anyone doubt that Jerry Jones built the Cowboy's new stadium for anything other than the expressed purpose of putting his dick in your wallet have all but been erased. You know what $800,000 gets you in Jerry's new palace? A suite, but not tickets to the games. You still have to pay for those. Once you buy the tickets and he has you completely held hostage, he then starts charging you for $90 plain pizza, $66 domestic 12 packs, and $22 Red Bulls. I have to applaud the balls here. I guess these people deserve it. Not only are they Cowboys fans, but they have enough money to buy suites at Cowboys games. They deserve to have their money taken from them.

Blackwater Founder Implicated in Murder
What? The man who ran an extra-legal force of lawless mercenaries who ran rampant, shooting first and asking questions later in Iraq, is implicated in a murder? And it isn't of a random brown foreign civilian in a warzone? Color me surprised. It turns out that owner Eric Prince might have facilitated the murder of several people who were co-operating with investigations into the company. Allegedly! Allegedly! Oh God, please don't kill me Mr. Prince. Forget it, this never happened. He isn't being investigated, he's been given an award for meritorious service. What's with all this murder talk? Ridiculous.

Glenn Beck Fan, Highly Armed, Busted For Casing National Guard Base
What are the odds? A crazed Glenn Beck fan, spurred on by his insane rantings and absolute disregard for the truth, packs up all her guns and goes to case a National Guard Base, convinced it's a "FEMA Concentration Camp." Well done, Glenn. You contribute to our society in new ways every day.

Asshole declared honorary asshole

Sean Hannity made the latest stop in his Freedom Tour in Texas. There he hobknobbed with secessionist advocate and hater of federal money (unless he decides that he likes it) Governor Rick Perry, who had a special honor bestowed upon the Hannatee whilst he was rambling confusedly.

Standing on-stage with the Fox News host, Perry awarded Hannity a certificate declaring him to be “an honorary Texan.” In accepting the award, Hannity incoherently told the audience, “I promise you, as of Monday morning, we’re back on the mission. We’re going to stop this move towards America and socialism. I promise you with all my heart.”

Ahh Rick, you actually looked around Texas and thought to yourself "There aren't enough right-wing blowhards living here. I think I need to get out my special honorary certificates." First Rush, now Hannity. Is Glenn Beck too busy?

Still though, this raises an interesting question: What is the value of a promise Sean Hannity makes on the false pretense that he has a functioning human heart? Less value than a regular Hannity promise or the same, but with an extra lie thrown in? At least he's vigilant in his continued stand to not understand what socialism is and to stop this heinous move.....towards.....America. What? Good...luck...with...that? Fuck it, he's a Texan now, he doesn't have to make sense.

Your durned science can't control the baby Jesus

Rep. “Smokey Joe” Barton (R-TX), seeing himself lagging behind Michelle Bachmann in the 2009 Dumbest Elected Representative contest, has decided to throw his hat in the ring and opine on global warming. Oh he's not traversing the same old paths of "the scientific consensus isn't in" or "it doesn't exist" or even the highly scientific "It's cold out, so how can the globe be warming? Huh? Tell that to your precious Al Gore and see if it blows his mind." He's decided to blaze a whole new trail.

“I would also point out that CO2, carbon dioxide, is not a pollutant in any normal definition of the term. … I am creating it as I talk to you. It’s in your Coca-Cola, you’re Dr. Pepper, your Perrier water. It is necessary for human life. It is odorless, colorless, tasteless, does not cause cancer, does not cause asthma.”

“And something that the Democrat sponsors do not point out, a lot of the CO2 that is created in the United States is naturally created. You can’t regulate God. Not even the Democratic majority in the US Congress can regulate God.”

CO2 is natural, or do you just hate God so much that you don't realize that? Click the link for his thoughts on "theory vs. fact" and the how smaller and more fuel efficient cars will shank the American Dream and leave its body in a shallow river bed.