Cheap Blogging Crutch - 5.6.10

Welcome back, my fiends. I hope you're not still reeling from another exciting day at the dog track. It's times like these when I fail to understand why you investment-minded folk out there don't just bet your paycheck on Papa's Moustache in the 3rd. I suspect the ROI is about the same. Warning: Here Be Linkage.

After some legwork, The Atlantic's Andrew Sullivan confirmed that in Britain, you can, in fact, vote drunk. At long last, this explains how that country ever found Margaret Thatcher an attractive option.

Today on Don Imus' show, Glenn Beck refused to endorse Arizona batshit insane Republican senate candidate, J.D. Hayworth, agreeing with Imus that Hayworth is a "fat, undisciplined maggot." All this after arguing the other day that the NYPD was right to mirandize Times Square bomber Faisal Shahzad. Can we please get Beck off of whatever medication he is on? I don't want to live in a world where he even comes close to making sense.

A police officer in the 81st precinct of Brooklyn's Bedford-Stuyvesant surreptitiously recorded fellow officers and superiors between June 2008 and October 2009. The tapes showed a systematic manipulation of crime statistics and civil liberties at the behest of commanding officers that makes The Wire's Baltimore look like Mayberry. Naturally, the NYPD responded by detaining the whistleblowing officer and whisking him off for psychiatric evaluation.

For the past 18 months, the meeting room in Nebraska's Adams County courthouse has been adorned, as is traditional, with portraits of both Gov. Dave Heineman and President Barack Obama. The catch? Obama's portrait was not an official one but this notorious fake. County Supervisor Eldon Orthmann, who is responsible for the photo, has relented and will replace it with one featuring the president in full Kenyan Chieftain garb, drinking heartily from the severed throat of a white Christian infant.

And finally, our intrepid research staff has uncovered a photo of the male prostitute hired by heavy luggage-toting anti-gay zealot George Alan Rekers. It seems Rev. Rekers specifically requested the Mythical Creature Package. (Mythical Creature's Package?)

Broken News: Massive Cleanup Underway at Wind Farm

The horror, the horror...

TAYLOR COUNTY, TX--Recovery crews raced to the scene of potentially the largest environmental disaster in United States history, as an accident at America's largest wind farm has begun spewing thousands of cubic meters of air into the air.

The incident occurred at approximately 4:00 am local time yesterday at the Horse Hollow Wind Energy Center in central Texas. With 421 wind turbines and an estimated capacity of 735 megawatts, Horse Hollow is by far the largest such installation in the United States.

State officials were quick to call for federal aid. Texas governor Rick Perry convened an emergency press conference and described the wind farm spill as, "the most troubling man-made disaster to beset the Lone Star State since we got rid of all the Mexicans."

President Obama immediately dispatched teams from the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration and the EPA to the site of the accident. While NOAA scientists have only just begun their analysis, initial testing suggests the foul gaseous mixture spilling into the atmosphere consists of approximately 78% Nitrogen and 20% Oxygen, with trace amounts of Argon, Carbon Dioxide, Neon, Helium, and Hydrogen.

"While we do not yet know the totality of the threat posed by this unfortunate accident, we are taking every step to ensure speedy identification of the substance so that proper countermeasures can be initiated," said NOAA spokesperson Elizabeth McDonald.

Early estimates have tracking an enormous amount of air spilling into roughly 60% of the Lone Star State, with dramatic gale-force squalls rolling into Oklahoma's notoriously un-wind-swept plains. Some analysts have predicted that soon the air leaking out from this environmental calamity will cover most of the Midwest. However, states as far north as Maine are already reporting trace gusts of air in the air.

Pundits were quick to pounce on the incident as proof of the dangers of alternative energy.

"This is just the latest failure of this administration's radical liberal environmentalist agenda. How much longer are we, as Americans, going to permit these immense radical international renewable energy conglomerates to defile our great country? This, my friends, is Obama's Katrina," said prominent conservative figure and noted animal lover, Glenn Beck, on his nationally syndicated radio show.

"Not that the previous administration did anything wrong during Katrina," Beck added. "Those people should have known better than to rely on the federal government."

Damage to flora and fauna has been minimal thus far, resulting in only a few toppled trees and uprooted shrubs, airborne prairie dogs, and several species of bird which had their feathers comically poofed out by the prevailing winds. Early reports of a nun careening through the skies remain unverified.

For its part, NextEra Energy Resources, which operates the Horse Hollow installation, has promised to pay the clean-up costs associated with this massive operation.

Rupert Evanston, the CEO of NextEra, announced at a hastily assembled press conference that his company will be heavily involved in the cleanup effort.

"It is indeed our responsibility to deal with this, and we are dealing with it," said Evans, yelling over the howling gusts. "We will absolutely be paying for the cleanup operation. There is no doubt about that. It's our responsibility -- we accept it fully."

Already NextEra has begun passing out large mason jars and balloons to collect all the extra air being spewed into the atmosphere, as well as free windbreakers to those victims nearest to the spill.

President Obama is expected to travel to Texas later this week to observe the damage personally. Additionally, he has ordered thorough inspections of all domestic hydropower and solar plants in order to prevent a similar incident that might release water into the mixture of oil and water we now call water, or light into the light.

Glenny wrote a book

I just wanted to post up the plot of the newest Glenn Beck novel he/an unpaid intern wrote. It's a harrowing thriller called the Overton Window and it's probably the funniest thing you'll read all day.

There is a powerful technique called the Overton Window that can shape our lives, our laws and our future. It works by manipulating public perception so that ideas previously thought of as radical begin to seem acceptable over time. Move the Window and you change the debate. Change the debate and you change the country.

For Noah Gardner, a twenty something public relations executive, it's safe to say that political theory is the furthest thing from his mind. Smart, single, handsome and insulated from the world's problems by the wealth and power of his father, Noah is far more concerned about the future of his social life than the future of his country.

But all of that changes when Noah meets Molly Ross, a woman who is consumed by the knowledge that the America we know is about to be lost forever. She and her group of patriots have vowed to remember the past and fight for the future—but Noah, convinced they're just a bunch of freaky conspiracy-theorists, isn't interested in lending his considerable skills to their cause.

And then the world changes.

An unprecedented attack on U.S. soil shakes the country to the core and puts into motion a frightening plan, decades in the making, to transform America and demonize all those who stand in the way. Amidst the chaos, many don't know the difference between conspiracy theory and conspiracy fact—or, more importantly, which side to fight for.

But for Noah, the choice is clear: Exposing the plan, and revealing the conspirators behind it, is the only way to save both the woman he loves and the individual freedoms he once took for granted.

After five back-to-back #1 New York Times bestsellers, national radio and Fox News television host Glenn Beck has delivered a ripped-from-the-headlines thriller that seamlessly weaves together American history, frightening facts about our present condition, and a heart-stopping plot. The Overton Window.

Christ, it's like the fantasy world that every one of his hardcore viewers likes to believe they're living in when they watch his show. I will say this about the Glennster: he knows how to suck every dime out of his audience by playing to their fears and paranoid fantasies.

In happier Glenn Beck news, the audience for the Overton Window is going to be smaller than it was, oh, say, a few months ago. Why? His show has lost 1/3 of its viewers since January. Glorious. But in this moment of joy all I can think of is the poor aardvarks he's taking this out on in a weeping rage. Those poor creatures.

/tips a bit of O.E. on the ground

To the aardvarks.

Revolution!

Health care has passed and conservative pundits aren't taking it well. Ok, they weren't exactly taking the run-up to health care reform passing well. Ok, they didn't exactly take the election of Barack Obama well. Ok, they didn't exactly take the eight years of the George W. Bush Presidency well. But on this, they're really not taking it well.

Of course the man taking it the least well is Glenn Beck. We all knew that one was coming. But even I'm a little surprised at how poorly our little aardvark loving aficionado is taking this. Right now he's huddled in a nuclear fallout shelter slamming GI Joes together, making "PEW PEW PEW" sounds with his mouth as he careens a jet fighter through the air, and is ranting about WAR and BATTLE and FIGHTING and THIS ISN'T OVER and YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE! So much so that Media Matters couldn't contain it in one post.

Beck: "The war is just beginning."
...
Beck suggests that progressives support "armed insurrection."
...
"Why would the president take up immigration right away, after he's just punched you in the face with health care?"
...
"You'd pick up a gun? Have you ever thought of that?" He then pointed to several pictures, including images of Obama and Pelosi, and stated: "These people have. Because possibly, maybe the question should be asked, maybe they're tired of evolution, and maybe they are waiting for revolution." Beck also said: "Haven't we just been spanked? Hasn't most of the country -- doesn't most of the country feel like they've been spanked over health care? You bet. I do, you do. A lot of people do."
...
"You can try to put the lid on this group of people, but you will never silence us. You will never -- you can shoot me in the head, you can shoot the next guy in the head, but there will be 10 others that line up."

Yes, we've all been spanked. Erotically spanked by health care. But enough of that, THIS IS WAR! REVOLUTION IS AT HAND! PICK UP A GUN! THEY'RE COMING TO KILL ME!

Yes, Obama has sent out hit squads to silence Glenn Beck. Even as we speak these elite SEAL teams are traipsing through the forests of Glenn's mind, unlatching the aardvark pen, busting through his windows, climbing up his pant leg with his grandma with a knife in their teeth, bursting out of his box of Golden Grahams, and hiding everywhere... waiting to get him. Don't you get it? Don't you see?



MOSES! JEWS! COMMANDMENTS! The second American revolution is at hand!

I feel for Glenn I really do. Ok, I don't. I hope this ends with him lighting himself on fire at Teabagstock '11. But, I guess I just didn't foresee how poorly he was going to take this "slightly cheaper/better health care for the peasants" thing. This has just been what he's been up to over the past few days. Who knows what chalkboard diagrams, battle movements, and calls for armed insurrection he's drawing up in his basement, tears staining the plans as he cries "I didn't want to have to do this to you America, I LOVE YOU!"?

Glenn, just breathe into a paper bag, stop making batches of hard tack, and cancel the fife and drum lessons. It'll be all right. Well, at least until Sebelius and the HHS release the nanites that read thoughts and kill based on the degree of right wing rhetoric rattling around your frontal cortex. Then you're fucked. But there's nothing you can do about it. It's nanotechnology. That's why Obama chose it to kill the elderly and everyone who has ever uttered a thought in opposition to him. Didn't you read this health bill? This is all useless gesturing. You're dead already. Use what time you have left.

In Further FACE~! News...

Apparently Glenn Beck has finally gone far enough with this "Leave any church that discusses 'social or economic justice'" drivel to piss off Roger Ebert, of all people. How angry is world-class movie taste-maker and all-around good guy Mr. Ebert, you ask?

What Beck has demonstrated, in a singularly inelegant way, is an increasing tendency of the extreme right to automatically describe its opponents in negative buzz words. You would think that if it's possible to be a conservative it's also possible to be a liberal. Not so. In the Beckian theology, a conservative is merely a conservative. Liberals are socialists, community organizers, Marxists, traitors, communists, haters, Nazis, elitists and, in general, liars. Conservatives, on the other hand, are moderates, patriots, reasonable, pro-American, and stand for family values.

...and:

Another quote from Beck. The Communists and Nazis "talked about economic justice, rights of the workers, redistribution of wealth, and surprisingly, democracy." Why, that proves it! Those are the very same things Christians talk about. And Democrats. And liberals. And find me, please, one single genuine Republican who doesn't also talk about them. We can gather that Beck disagrees with all of them. Even -- given his maladroit syntax -- surprisingly, democracy.

...and, beautifully:

I am told repeatedly that Fox News is fair and balanced, that it has the largest share of the (actually rather small) cable news audience, and that it speaks for ordinary Americans. To the degree that this is true, Beck has left them all behind, watching his figure shrink on the far horizon of fanaticism. He has finally, definitively, said something that is completely Wrong from every viewpoint.

As much as I wonder at Ebert's decision to train his powers of humor and insight on someone with the intellectual maturity of of sixth grader, this makes for good reading. And now, more than ever, it's nice (though not surprising) to see Ebert staying sharp between the ears.

Full piece at Ebert's blog HERE.

Oh, Hugo...

(Reuters) - Venezuela's President Hugo Chavez, who is criticized by media freedom groups, called on Saturday for regulation of the Internet and singled out a website that he said falsely reported the murder of one of his ministers.

"The Internet cannot be something open where anything is said and done. Every country has to apply its own rules and norms," Chavez said.

Actually, Hugo, I'm fairly certain that this is exactly what the internet is supposed to be.

Apropos...

Broken In Brief: Dobbs, O'Reilly to declare love live tonight

NEW YORK--Fresh off being bribed to leave his amicable departure from CNN, Lou Dobbs will be a featured guest on tonight's episode of The O'Reilly Factor. While the official network line claims that Dobbs will be there to discuss the circumstances surrounding his resignation with a sympathetic ear -- O'Reilly has repeatedly defended Dobbs -- TheseBastards has learned that the two cable news heavyweights may have ulterior motives.

"They are over the moon for each other," gushed a high-level Fox News source, on condition of anonymity for fear of inducing vomit. "When they met a couple years ago at a Minuteman fundraiser/book burning in Arizona, it was love at first sight."

Apparently, the two were very moved by last week's episode of Oprah wherein Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi professed their love for one another. Given the abrupt nature of Dobbs' departure from CNN and O'Reilly's exclusive access to the portly xenophobe, the parties believe that this is the ideal moment to show the world just how deeply and passionately they respect each other over and over and over again.

Among the things they reportedly hope to pledge to each other tonight are a vow to defend the borders "standing back to back, shotguns in hand as the Mexicans stream over the fence," a solemn pledge to never stop trying to couch their elitist, right wing proclamations with the veil of working class populism, and to officially sign off on a schedule that designates which one of them is the "power bottom" over alternate two-week periods.

"It's just going to be so beautiful," the same source said, their eyes welling up with tears.

If the Dobbs/O'Reilly commitment ceremony goes off as well as hoped, it is expected Fox News will soon announce that a similar love jubilee will take place on Friday night between pundit Sean Hannity and a life-sized cardboard cutout of himself.

The source would neither confirm nor deny any amorous plans for Glenn Beck.

Complaints and grievances

After President Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize for his advanced work in the field of not being George Bush, conservatives have been going quite crazy. Which is to say they plugged "Obama win Nobel" into their anger generating matrix and just made slightly more topical attacks against Barry. But some weren't merely content to make racist cracks or opine on how winning Nobel Prizes is a real problem. No, they had to opine on who should have won it or complain about who didn't win it decades ago.

First up was Glenn "Orycteropus afer" Beck

Of all things, the Nobel Peace Prize should be turned down by Barack Obama and given — you ready for this, oh this one’s going to make headlines — should be give to the Tea Party goers and the 9-12 Project.....Because of the Tea Party goers and the 9-12 Project people that stood in his way and stopped him from accomplishing the things that he thought, “please, I’m the Messiah, I’ll be able to accomplish that.”

What was it that tea baggers stopped Obama from doing? The bailouts and stimulus happened and health care is well on its way to being passed and they'll soon start up on climate legislation. Was there a picnic on the Mall that the Obama's had to cancel because it was overrun by birth certificate experts with poorly spelled placards?

Bill Kristol, not understanding what the word peace means and still harboring that hard-on for that McCain/Palin presidency

We could note that, if the Swedes Norwegians wanted to give the Nobel Peace Prize to an American, it would have been been better to give it to Sen. John McCain for having the guts to push through the surge in Iraq, which has brought relative peace to that country.

Give a peace prize for pushing for the escalation of deeply unpopular catastrophe of an illegal war? I goot say it makes more sense that most of Kristol's logic. But he does mean the same Iraq that is marked by daily suicide blasts, still isn't stable, and is likely to collapse into civil war once we finally wash our hands of the whole mess, right? OK, I thought there might have been a different one he was imagining.

Conservative strategist Craig "Laverne and" Shirley

“Utterly ridiculous. The credibility of the Nobel Peace Prize has been dwindling downward for years and now it has hit rock bottom.. . . Reagan won the Cold War, freed millions, yet was never awarded the Nobel.”

That's a great argument if it weren't for the fact that none of it happened. But that fantasy Reagan that freed fantasy Europe from the fantasy tyranny of the fantasy USSR probably should have won a fantasy Nobel. You know, if it weren't so devalued. One question though: has anyone in the GOP or conservative commentators ever liked anyone who won the Nobel Peace Prize? Isn't this the same line of bullshit that gets trotted out every year some Republican who advocates for a war doesn't win it? Well then, I can hardly wait for next year's round of "this is a travesty", "No-bel credibility", and "REA-GAN!!!" columns when some liberal douche making efforts for peace shockingly wins it again.

Praise/retraction of the day

Glenn Beck, on his new favorite band:

New MUSE CD. Amazing. These guys are right on the money. Lyrics on target, talent off the charts. They 'get it'. Libertarian!

Muse, on their new #1 fan (paraphrased):

Jesus fucking shit Christ. Stop associating yourselves with us. Retract! Retract it! Never mention our names again! You are decency and popularity poison! Can't...scrub off...filth. So unclean, so unclean.

Is it surprising that Glenn Beck would decide to idolize a band whose lyrics sound like what an 8th grader would write about "the man" and "all the oppression going on" after a class assigned reading of 1984? No. Is it surprising that Muse would know enough about America to know that they don't want the Beck albatross hung around their neck? Yes, and top form on responding to Beck's praise within the hour to get him to stop mentioning the band. You can't have a thing like that hang around until the afternoon, you have to nip that shit in the bud before people start negatively associated you with Beck, instead of just negatively associating you as "the guys who ape Radiohead and Queen."

Typo/Unintentional Irony of the day

From today's Human Events email urging subscribers -- no, they still haven't booted me -- to purchase Glenn Beck's new book, How Stupid Godless Liberals Want to Puree and Can Your Grandmother Then Store Her in the Root Cellar Until Winter and What You Can Do About It*:

Fox News television host Glenn Beck are all returning to bookstores to save us from one of life's greatest irritants: people with big mouths and small minds.

Leaving aside the unflinching hypocrisy of that "big mouth/small mind" canard, there are many Glenn Becks? Who the fuck went and cloned him? How could one not be enough when one is one too many? This is worse than I thought...

*Editor's Note: May not be actual title of book.

In which I am momentarily confused

Glenn Beck decided to make some news, and not for saying something so insane or racist that it would cause him to lose the other the other half of his advertisers. No, he went on on Katie Couric's online web show, which is pretty much going to make sure no one sees it or hears it, to praise....Obama? Well, only in comparison to Grandpa Crackers. It's complicated.

"I can't believe I'm saying this," Beck said when asked about Hillary Clinton, "but I think I would have much preferred her as President, and may have voted for her against John McCain."

That's because John McCain is a "weird progressive" like Theodore Roosevelt, Becks says.

Then, laughing almost frighteningly, Beck said:

"I think John McCain would have been worse for the country than Barack Obama. How's that?"

Let's see, you've blamed Obama for the economic meltdown, the bailout, the stimulus, you've called him a socialist, communist, fascist, racist, compared him to Hitler, said he'll murder everyone's grandma, said he's starting FEMA concentration camps, is indoctrinating our children, used health care reform as a jumping off point for racially motivated fear attacks against blacks and Mexicans, and used your program to draw up various nefarious conspiracy charts about left wing plots to destroy this country while weeping and screaming, as well as a hundred other things I'm probably forgetting.

How would McCain have been worse? Because he's like Teddy Roosevelt? Or because Beck wouldn't have been able to drum up attention, support, and ratings by doing all that stuff to an old, rich, white Republican? Though I do agree that Hill-Dawg would have been better for Glennie's career. He wouldn't have had to spent all that time inventing new conspiracies, he just could have used all the left over ones from the nineties. Obama has cost him precious "Glenn Time". So just remember all of this next time Glenn goes off on one of his "Obama is using the fillings in my teeth to transmit CIA codes" rants: he can actually conceive of a world where things are worse than the imminent freedom destroying liberal apocalypse that he's describing. He's a sick man.

Wish we thought of it

glennbeckrapedandmurderedayounggirlin1990.com

It's not like we haven't tried to spread our own satire based slander about Glenn Beck's...shall we say...personal peccadilloes, but while we merely wonder if he's getting a little too close to Orycteropus afer, the purveyors of this new site are just looking to confirm a rumour. I mean they aren't actually accusing Glenn Beck of raping and murdering a young girl in 1990, they're just asking him to deny the allegations that he raped and murdered a young girl in 1990. They're just trying to get to the bottom of an important manner (Glenn possibly raping and murdering a young girl in 1990) in much the same way Glenn and his ilk do. But apparently he feels the need to squash this journalistic endeavor.

The site went up on September 1 and had a huge spike of initial interest—it served more than 120,000 page loads in the first 24 hours. By September 3, lawyers for Beck's media company, Mercury Radio Arts, had contacted the domain registrar demanding that the "highly defamatory domain name" glennbeckrapedandmurderedayounggirlin1990.com be deleted, that the WhoisGuard privacy protection service be revoked, and that the owner's contact information be turned over to the lawyers.

Registrar NameCheap didn't do this, of course, and Beck's lawyers sent another letter the next day, making the same demands. They also showed that they were reading the website: "We also note that it appears you contacted the individual, as he states on his website hosted on the Defamatory Domain that 'my webhost is taking some flak over this website, so if he gets shuts me down, it may take a bit to get rehosted.'"
...
Beck's lawyers also filed a case with the World Intellectual Property Organization (WIPO) in Switzerland, the group which handles the worldwide domain dispute resolution process, on the grounds that the new website was improperly using Glenn Beck's trademarked name.

Yes, he trademarked his name. And his thuggish tactics to shut down this simple inquiry into whether or not he actually did rape and murder a young girl in 1990 seemed to have worked, with the site down as we speak. It's as if Glenn's lawyers raped and murdered this site, much like a young girl that may or may not have been raped and murdered in 1990.

The site clearly states they didn't think Glenn raped and murdered a young girl in 1990 and that they thought he was innocent of the charges that he raped and murdered a young girl in 1990, they just wanted him to respond to the allegations that he raped and murdered a young girl in 1990. We here a These Bastards agree. While we certainly don't believe Mr. Beck raped and murdered a young girl in 1990 (a young aardvark? maybe) we think it's important that he address and disprove these rumors that he raped and murdered a young girl in 1990. I'm sure it's as simple as getting a copy of a birth certificate.

Broken In Brief: Obama speech on kittens, rainbows widely panned

Above: The face of socialist homosexual terror

VALDOSTA, GA--A public address by President Obama to the students of General Sherman Elementary School was met with vehement protest by a band of self-described "independent grassroots activists" who called the speech a transparent political ploy.

The president's speech, entitled "Kittens are Adorable and Rainbows are a Magical Gift," was delivered to only 18 of the school's 437 students, as concerned parents pulled their children out of the assembly. This reaction was attributed primarily to a letter writing campaign aimed at exposing the "blatant socialist indoctrination in the illegal Kenyan president's vile invective, implied dislike of equally adorable puppies, and the morally bankrupt gay undertones inherent in his rainbow promotion."

That the language of the letter was indicative of articulation decidedly uncommon for the area seemed to escape conservative pundit and burrower of burrowing mammals, Glenn Beck, who called the campaign, "An unprecedented assertion of community organizing and first amendment rights in the face of a liberal-led degradation of the family unit."

In the wake of today's events, the White House has canceled a scheduled appearance at a suburban Dallas school, where the President had planned to deliver another speech on baby pandas and pajamas fresh out of the dryer.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 08.19

At Least 75 Killed in Series of Attacks in Baghdad
Yeah.....remember Iraq? Still not a great place to live. Unless you're a real big fan of loud explosions, wailing women, smoke plumes, and sirens, endless sirens. This happened largely as Iraq has regained control over most of it's security as the US is now engaged in the process of laughing nervously and slowly backing out of the country. It will end with the US declaring everything fixed, and then running, no...sprinting, back home before something can explode again. Then when Iraq descends into chaos we all get to sit back and pretend to wonder "What happened? When we left everything was fine." Thanks again, George!

A Conservative’s Road to Same-Sex Marriage Advocacy
Ted Olsen, he of the Bush side of Bush v. Gore, discusses why he hopes to eventually legalize same sex marriage through an eventual Supreme Court hearing on a case he's helped file over California's Prop 8 fiasco. And it's not because he lost a bet to a liberal friend of his. The story involves Rob Reiner, a lot of awkward silences at conservative judicial and legal conferences, and a man who decided to actually apply his libertarian principles in all cases.

Blue Food Dye Treats Spine Injury in Rats
It turns out that the same dye that makes your tongue blue and gives Gatorade's Cool Blue Raspberry that same neon blue sheen that's found in raspberry's, also prevents nerve tissue damage. Prevents nerve tissue damage....while turning you blue. Win-win. Yes, that was the sound of loud cursing you heard from Christopher Reeve's grave. Guess he should have spent less time advocating for stem cells and more time eating the blue portions of his Superman suit.

Poll: Whites, Southerners, Republicans, Few Others, Trust Fox News
That was today's "No shit, Sherlock" poll of the day. It seems that basing your news strategy around stoking the fears and prejudices of white Southern Republicans makes you really popular among white Southern Republicans.

Actor's U.S. Airport Screen Roils India
Apparently India doesn't like the fact that we racially profiled and detained one of their more famous Muslim actors while he was on a trip to our country. What was he here to do? Promote a movie he made about America racially profiling Muslims after 9/11. C'mon customs, if you want to give a guy some real method acting experience you have to pull this kind of stuff before he films the movie.

Walmart, CVS, Best Buy, GMAC Among 8 Major Companies To Pull Ads From Glenn Beck Show
What? Large corporations don't like to see their brands tainted with the stink of Glenn Beck's weepy, aardvark humping insanity? This makes 20 companies that have pulled their ads from Beck's show. Wal-Mart is one of those companies. Let's see, Wal-Mart, OK with being associated with the cheap product making sweatshops of the world's largest communist country, not OK with being associated with this guy.

I am shocked to hear this

According to a study published by Media Matters, Fox News is putting on health care opponents six times as much as health care supporters. My God, next you'll be telling me that they have multiple shows hosted by deranged right wing pundits who traffic in deluded conspiracy theories, fear mongering, lies, rabble rousing, and unseemly aardvark affections.

All I can say to this dramatic revelations is....really? Only 6 to 1? It isn't more? Because really, when you turn on Fox News it doesn't look like they would even put on one person who supported health care reform. I guess that's just because every show on Fox News where these 63 guests have talked on is hosted by a talking head who is also against the creeping grandma murdering death of Obama's socialist health care wasteland. I'd really like to see a "minutes spent attacking health care reform vs. minutes spent defending health care reform" graph. I can already imagine it: one number bar dwarfing another, the way the Sears Tower dwarfs an ant.

Broken News: Pope to name Hannity honorary Nazi

Mein Fucker

VATICAN CITY--Just two days after being made an "honorary Texan" by Governor Rick Perry, Fox News personality and incomparable discourse stain, Sean Hannity, has been granted yet another noble distinction by a popular figurehead.

During a morning tour of the Vatican's condom stapling facilities, Pope Benedict XVI announced that he will extend to Hannity the title of "honorary Nazi." Benedict, a former member of the Hitler Youth, praised Hannity's tireless commitment to malignant groupthink, dangerous propaganda, and transparent hatred of all things non-white.

Reading from a prepared statement, the Pope said, "Few media personalities today so embody the true spirit of divine-inspired fascism. From his demonization of minority cultures, to his professional trading in half-truths and blatant lies, to his unflinching loyalty to all that is evil in the world, Sean Hannity carries on this proud tradition in a manner consistent with history's greatest monsters."

Previous honorary Nazis include such luminaries as Walt Disney, Henry Ford, and Spiro Agnew.

Sources close to the pontiff suggested that, upon hearing of Gov. Perry's recognition of Hannity, he grew jealous and retired immediately to his private chamber, wherein infant field mice are routinely set loose for His barefoot Holiness to trample into ceremonial jelly.

"Nobody outbids the Pope," said one Vatican insider on condition of anonymity. "Much as the state of Texas has every right to its substantial share of thought criminals and psychopaths, we can't let them poach all the talent."

Officials in the Texas Governor's office refused comment, although one senior staffer suggested that this was yet the latest in a long string of publicity stunts aimed at promoting Pope Benedict's new album, to be released later this year by Geffen UK.

Spokespeople from the Vatican, far from dismissing this claim, openly admitted these proceedings were all a part of extending the Pope’s image beyond the mere confines of Catholicism and into new areas such as talk radio that are traditionally more open to deeply hypocritical, moralizing father figures.

"We're just trying to expand the Pope's brand," said Vatican public relations director, Marissa Florentine. "People are too caught up with the Pope as a religious figure. We're trying to show them that he's a far-reaching global phenomenon and that religion is merely his medium. What better way to do that than by releasing a free-form Latin jazz and spoken word benediction album while simultaneously honoring the goat-legged Hellspawn of the new Fourth Reich?"

Indeed, after an official ceremony where the Fox News host will be presented with a brown shirt, Iron Cross, decorative faux-human skin lampshade, and certificates proclaiming him an honorary Field Marshall in the Panzer Corps, as well as one of the heralds of the apocalypse, the Pope will begin a whirlwind series of promotions set to increase his profile.

They include such events as a stint on I’m a Leader of a Major World Religion…Get Me Out of Here, a guest spot at the Michael Jackson tribute concert where he will sing “Dirty Diana” and name Jackson an honorary Catholic Priest for “his works ‘touching’ the ’lives’ of children”, and promotional appearances at several flagship Prada stores to sign pairs of his new limited-edition Benedictus Dominus Deus Air Max Zoom 100 Papal cross-trainers.

Some analysts believe that today's events are a precursor to a possible bidding war between the Lone Star State and the Vatican for rights to people who are morally bankrupt enough to willingly associate themselves with both Christianity and Texas. Calls on behalf of both parties have reportedly already been placed to the representatives of Ann Coulter, Pete Coors, Michael Bay, Senate Minority Leader John Boehner, and Pittsburgh Pirates owner Bob Nutting.

While open to negotiations with most of the aforementioned human scum, Catholic officials have formally declined overtures from Glenn Beck's agent, citing the church's intractable stance against bestiality.

Vatican officials hope to hold the ceremony sometime during the next Blood Moon.

Pride (In the Name of Love)

As Sean was kind enough to point out to me earlier today, America's own pride and joy, These Bastards, shows up at #1 on Google when you search for "glenn beck aardvark". This is but the first step towards our blogosphere domination/campaign to get Glenn Beck arrested for bestiality. Phase 2 is actually getting someone to use the search term "glenn beck aardvark". Baby steps, though. Rome wasn't built in a day.

Reverse double-secret probationary racism

Faux News commentator and beloved friend of aardvarks everywhere, Glenn Beck, is gaining ground on 2009 Baseless Batshit Lunacy Contest frontrunner Michele Bachmann.

Speaking on Fox News Live, presumably to three other people who agree with him, Beck accused President Obama of having a "deep-seated hatred for white people or the white culture."

Beck then backpedaled a bit, but only to clear room for the wind up to this spectacular pitch: "I'm not saying he doesn't like white people, I'm saying he has a problem. This guy is, I believe, a racist."

Why would Beck, an otherwise reviled respected partisan hack political commentator, levy such a charge at the Commander-in-Chief?

Because our nation's 44th president had the audacity to, if you'll pardon a small and unfunny pun, call a spade a spade.

h/t Politico

Socialism broke Glen Beck's mind

When liberal brown shirts confronted aardvark aficionado Glen Beck with the socialist expanses of Barack Obama's new Third Reich, he did what any normal flag eating American would do: screech like a maniac, scream, and try to shatter the glass around him with the pissy anguish of a thousand dead founding fathers. Warning: you are about to be exposed to the demented thought process of a human turd.



This man is popular. This man makes millions. This man can't form a coherent thought. Try to tell me God exists when he allows things like the ascendancy of Glen Beck as a serious intellectual pundit happen. Though really, who's crazier: Glen Beck or someone who knowingly calls up Glen Beck's show and tries to reason with him?

So much crazy

Aardvark aficionado Glen Beck and Michelle Bachmann discuss the encroaching liberal horror and tyranny of the census, and whether Obama's Stasi will just imprison the brave souls who refuse to fill out the forms because they believed in something Bachmann said, or whether they'll all just be rounded up into interment camps after their neighbors are ordered to spy on them for the Census overlords.

One silver lining to the latest example of Michelle Bachmann's stunning paranoid stupidity: if she convinces as little as a few thousand Minnesotans to not fill out census forms Minnesota would lose a Census verified/population determined House seat, of which hers is the most likely to be eliminated. So keep on keepin' on Michelle. Self negate. Plus if you do end up eliminating your own seat I want to hear the new crazy conspiracy theories about how the Illuminati or whoever removed you from office to silence you.