In which I blow your mind with a statistic about the differences between the rich and the poor and the different races

Are you ready? It involves marijuana too. OK, prepare to have your world shaken.

No city in the world arrests more of its citizens for using pot than New York, according to statistics compiled by Harry G. Levine, a Queens College sociologist.

Nearly nine out of ten people charged with violating the law are black or Latino, although national surveys have shown that whites are the heaviest users of pot. Mr. Bloomberg himself acknowledged in 2001 that he had used it, and enjoyed it.

On the Upper East Side of Manhattan where the mayor lives, an average of 20 people for every 100,000 residents were arrested on the lowest-level misdemeanor pot charge in 2007, 2008 and 2009.

During those same years, the marijuana arrest rate in Brownsville, Brooklyn, was 3,109 for every 100,000 residents.

That means the chances of getting arrested on pot charges in Brownsville — and nothing else — were 150 times greater than on the Upper East Side of Manhattan.

GOLLY! More rich white people get away with shit than poor brown people? Oh me oh my, I never expected this. I bet there are more poor black people in our prisons than rich white people too and a massive sentencing disparity too! And there's a hypocrisy and staggering difference in enforcement with our drug laws? Next you'll be telling me the kind of cocaine a black person does is subject to a much harsher prison sentence that the type of cocaine a white person does.

Where's the fainting couch? I'm... I'm going to need to sit down. This is too much to handle.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 07.14

Modern Toss' Periodic Table of British Swearing. Click to embiggen you 71 with 76 and a 79.

Maybe you were clued into this fact when you went outside last week and your brain melted, your shirt soaked through, and you begged unsuccessfully for God to kill you immediately, but it was fucking hot. The hottest January to June in recorded history. If you were one of those douches who complain the global warming is a myth or hoax or were one of those shitbags who was yelling how there couldn't be global warming because there was so much snow over the winter, know this: next time it hits 90 and I have to listen to one of you jerkoffs spout off about Al Gore, I'm lighting you on fire. Spread the word.

In The World Is Full of Deadbeat Scum News, remember all that money every country pledged to Haiti and then patted themselves on the back for, it's citizens clapping and cheering for the gesture and then never bothering to ever check back on to see how Haiti was doing? Turns out only 1.9% of that money has made it to Haiti. Not that it matters. That money was about making us feel better, not Haiti. And we do feel better. What's Haiti? Haven't even thought about it in months. Mission accomplished.

Are you one of those people who thinks that a gas station sandwich is too luxurious a gastronomic delicacy to partake in? Good news, that's why science has created Candwich: the Sandwich in a can. Maybe the idea of eating a BBQ chicken sandwich in a Mountain Dew can doesn't seem appealing, but did I mention there was a candy surprise? On the bright side, this product is the result of SEC fraud and a real estate swindle, and how many awful foodstuffs can say that?

If you had to guess where the nexus of dumb parents, dumb school districts, fear of technology, misunderstanding of technology, misunderstanding of drugs, and fear of youth gone wild was, Oklahoma would have to come up early in the discussion right? That's where a school district is under the grip of kids downloading and listening to "digital drugs" and "i-dosers", sounds/songs that are supposed to create a drug like euphoria. *sighs* This sounds like a town ripe for the taking from a shady monorail salesman. Whatever happened to huffing gas and listing to Dark Side of the Moon? I think everyone should just abide by my one rule: technology is a witch, burn it. It is responsible for the Candwich after all.

As some of you are aware, the threat of robot attack is constant. But today I bring you news of an even greater threat: psychic warrior octopi. Of course we are referring to Paul, a German octopus who correctly predicted the last eight World Cup matches. Some might say that this is just random luck and that the octopus was probably just picking flags based on which one has more yellow in it. To them I say: octopi are probably color blind. I think it's much more likely it can see around the curvature of spacetime and into the future.

We all love Mel Gibson and his humorous awful misogyny and equal opportunity racism. Even if it did likely cost us a movie where he walked around with a beaver hand puppet and then committed suicide. But for those who didn't like Mel's various affronts to all human decency, would perhaps cute kittens saying his most heinous 20 quotes change your mind? C'mon, forgive him. Look at the beaver movie picture. That goddamn thing has to be allowed come out.

The plot thickens

Look, we all know that Arizona had to get it's border in order by arresting anyone who is suspected of enjoying Tecate and Corona unironically. I mean after all, these Mexicans are not only almost all drug mules, but they're beheading each other in the desert in scenes that would make Cormac McCarthy grimace. So says AZ Governor Jan Brewer, who sticks by her story no matter how many media outlets say she tells insane lies or that she's an insane liar.

But Brewer has only uncovered the tip of the Latino spear. Rep. Sue Myrick (R-NC), the ranking GOP member of the House Intelligence Subcommittee on Intelligence Community Management who would become the chairwoman if Republicans take back the House, has found an even more sinister plot. By "found" I do mean "imagined". But the thought of it did give her the vapors so hard that it's practically the same as the truth.

MYRICK: Well the thing that concerns me, and you mentioned this briefly, Iran is working with Venezuela. And they’re transiting through Venezuela, taking Spanish for maybe six months. They’re getting the false documents that they need, coming up through Mexico and if they’re stopped, they just say well I’m Spanish. And it, oh I mean Mexican...
...
And the other thing that we’re seeing, and we’re seeing it in your state in particular in the prisons is Farsi tattoos. Farsi is basically a Persian language, which Iran is, and we know we’ve seen Arabic tattoos in our prisons for a long time, but we haven't seen Farsi tattoos in a long time.

That cinches it! Iran and Venezuela are working together to subvert our borders and fill up our prisons! Those prisons are for black people, Iran and Venezuela, not fake Mexicans with Farsi tattoos!

Once these Iranian agents learn the secret of our prisons, our fruit and vegetable picking operations, how to get building work standing out in front of the Home Depot, and low paid child care... my God, they'll be unstoppable. You know, as long as their obvious Farsi tattoos (that probably say "secret agent" in foreignese) don't blow their secret status. But Rep. Myrick is on to you, Iranezuela Global Conspiracy!

I think it's clear what we need to do here. 100 foot wall across the border? Sure. But we need to fear the Latino! When they aren't beheading people to steal the drugs they're smuggling, they're stealing our freedom and sending it back to Mexico, and engaging in terrorist conspiracies with Muslims. Fear the Hispanic. And, for good measure, the Gypsies, Homosexuals, and the Jews. But mostly the Mexicans and fake-Mexican Venezuelan Iranians. It's the only way we'll be safe from the imaginations of Republican border governors and Republican Intel Committee members who should both theoretically know better.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 07.08

Darryl Cunningham Investigates: Homeopathy

In You're Living Up To The Stereotype of Your Country News, Colombian police have uncovered an attempt to send 24 pounds of cocaine to Spain in the form of a molded World Cup statute. Don't plan that celebration, you still have to get through the Oranje first, Espana. Bonus points for creativity, you did find a substance that would make the value of the World Cup even greater. All that aside, if you want an even better story about Colombians and World Cup soccer, give the ESPN documentary The Two Escobars a look.

Let me see if you can follow this. The public sentiment is for cutting the deficit and cutting spending, while at the same time improving the economy and job market. If government were to focus on spending cuts and deficit reduction that would have a negative effect on the economy and job markets, making them worse. Economists know this and have been saying it for months. Our elected betters have been told this for months and should know it. Yet, cutting the deficit and spending is popular. So what is everyone going to do? Try to cut the deficit and spending in order to win in November. Because if we've learned anything over the past decade, it's that doing something smart isn't a good idea if doing something dumb and popular and destructive is. I'll see you in the bread lines.

After years of stalling anything and everything that Democrats could do, Republicans are riding high over thoughts of what could happen in November. They're even planning out their new agenda. But after hamstringing the Democrats on all their priorities, surely Democrats wouldn't be eager to help the GOP go after one of their priorities: gutting Social Security. I mean, that would be ridiculous, helping Republicans carve up one of the great progressive achievements in the country's history, right? Wrong. The Democrats are eager to help. And why not, fucking with Social Security is so very popular. Besides, old people love eating catfood. Good luck with that.

What if I were to tell you that not only was there an Illuminati card game that referenced a Gulf oil spill, but there was an oil company board game from the seventies that talked about the possibility as well. Surely you'd think this was just a decently thought out scenario that simply prefaced an easily possible bad scenario using the oil industry and the area with which they were working in, right? Nope. IT'S PROOF THIS WHOLE OIL SPILL WAS PLANNED ALL ALONG!! JESUS CHRIST, CAN'T YOU SEE IT? Man, the Illuminati, Parker Brothers, the Trilateral Commission, and the Egg Council were all planning this for decades. We're through the looking glass here people. Comb through Trivial Pursuit to see if there are any cryptic references to nuclear war and I'll see when Rock 'em Sock 'em Robots predicted the robots would take over.

Europe Is Better Than Us: #3,215 in a series. In this episode Europe, having surveyed the damage cause by global financial giants, sees that it might be smart to tie bonuses to little things like results, performance, and whether or not a collection of assholes toilets the world economy or not. This is just one of the many, better, steps that their continent has taken while we still dick around wondering if we should leave everything pretty much as is, or give the financial giants a little slap on the knuckles and tell the scamps not to do it again. Plus it comes right at the same time the Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development pillories us for hamstringing our own recovery, employment prospects, and general social fabric. On the bright side, if we continue to ignore their good advice and follow their smart lead, nothing they do in Brussels will be able to stop the effects of the next mega crisis America enables. Who's the smart one now, Europe?

In closing, enjoy this racist cat.

Because everyone needs to see this

Chris Klein auditions for Mamma Mia. Oh yeah, it's real. NBC Universal had the YouTubes take it down because they owned the footage. But they couldn't stop College Humor from getting it before it was yanked down.

Who did all the cocaine? Chris Klein did all the cocaine.



I would also like to take the time to recommend Klein's performance in Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li. Klein plays rogue Interpol cop Nash, who is apparently a coked out, overacting lunatic as well as an international detective. It is a virtuoso performance. He's the C-Level Nic Cage. It's a shame the clip doesn't include a montage of the 50 or 60 times he yells his catchphrase "NASH... OUT!!" in the movie.

Sunday Marching Orders

It's time for one of my favorite activities on this blog. No, not plumbing some new depth that our American political or news system has sunk to while adding in a snarky remark and a new curse word I learned. No, that's what the weekdays are for. The weekends are for me demanding that you do things; namely read.

Some would say these are articles of extreme importance. Others would say this is just a bunch of shit I'm putting up because it is clogging up my bookmarks folder. Who is to say who is right? Well, the latter are. But there is an extremely important reason I haven't been able to put these up before, namely... uhhh.... important... constraints... on my... time. Not extreme laziness. So away we go.

The Gang That Couldn't Shoot Straight
What if I were to tell you that we've spent six billion on the Afghan National Police force and they're grossly incompetent and unable to even do a fraction of their jobs? You'd probably say that you're surprised we were able to keep that waste of money under $10 billion. I agree. Why are they so awful? A myriad of reasons, but at least in this case it isn't because they're spending all their money on magic bomb detecting wands. Yet.

White House access is a jackpot for reporters
Want to know why White House coverage has become so uniformly terrible over the past decade? Mostly because the reporters covering the beat try to cozy up to insiders in order to get good gossip... for their "insider" "tell-all" books. Glenn Greenwald looks at how "journalist" really isn't the proper term for these people.

Building a Green Economy
Paul Krugman on what it would take to actually build a green economy and move toward greener energy. The article didn't start with the phrase "seal up most of the energy executives and lobbyists up in a coal mine along with a large chunk of our elected betters" so I don't know how seriously Krugman's article can be taken.

Copenhagen destroyed by Danish draft leak, says India's environment minister
If you were wondering how the Copenhagen climate conference came to be such a complete misfire that failed to make any serious progress on environmental issues, the Guardian has a rundown. Apparently it was petty infighting, aggrieved egos, childish power struggles, and comical shortsightedness beating out serious long term planning for a clearly foreseen problem. Who could have ever foreseen? It's only like the 7,435th time in a row a major global problem was ever dealt with like like that.

Gang Moves 1,800 Lb Of Coke In Fake Dakar Rally Truck
If you ever wondered why the state of Arizona has to whomp on Latinos with a healthy dose on un-Constitutional actions, it's because of stuff lie this. We can't even trust the validity of entrants in our beloved giant rally truck races. No, everyone is a suspect, even Latino rally trucks.

The Hidden Meaning of Lady Gaga’s “Telephone”
If you're like me, every time you see the Lady Gaga video for Telephone, you say to yourself "this is a clearly a thinly veiled guise for indoctrination from the Illuminati using Monarch Programming mind control and is chock full of secret hidden codes and symbols from both". Thankfully, someone else has agreed and put together a comprehensive analysis of all the ways the Illuminati are boring into your brain through a Lady Gaga video. One thing is clear: the song is not about a telephone or an annoying boyfriend who keeps calling. We're through the looking glass.

Video of the day

As all you baseball fans know, today is opening day. As a Pirates fan all this means for me is an 18th straight year of pain, losing, and cheap fuck owners. Pain of the kind which is outlined by dirty son of a bitch Will Leitch in his needlessly cruel Pirates season preview for Deadspin. One can only hope that his beloved Cardinals are soon met with the revelation that Albert Pujols is juicing it hardcore at nearly Mark McGwire levels; a revelation we all know is coming.

So in celebration of a new season that I will stop caring about some where midway through the first 20 game losing streak of the season in March, I present this video of a great highlight in Pirates history: that time Dock Ellis threw a no hitter while tripping balls on LSD.



The sad part is that the fact that this video recounting this 1970 event was made in late 2009 means that this video is officially one of the brightest spots and most significant things to have happened to the Pirates since Barry Bonds couldn't throw out Sid Fucking Bream. Mull on that Buccos fans.

Zach Duke takes the mound against the Dodgers at 1:35.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 03.31

Up In Smoke: How Marijuana Ruined States’ Chances Of Invalidating Health Care Law In Court
The passage of health care set off a rash of frivolous lawsuits from state AG's with hopes for higher office and a penchant for wasting the money of cash strapped governments in times of economic crisis. Will they succeed? No. But that inevitability isn't so much interesting as why they will fail to succeed, besides the basic "not understanding the Constitution" thing. Essentially the Supreme Court, and Antonin Scalia in particular, recently ruled in a marijuana case that the government had a right to regulate interstate non-economic activity as a part of regulating interstate commerce. So unless Scalia totally reverses his opinion for political means, any challenge that makes it to the Supremes isn't likely to even pass muster with the conservative wing. Actually, that sounds incredibly likely. Still, marijuana: is there anything it can't do?

Beijing to sweeten stench of rubbish crisis with giant deodorant guns
For some countries a sensible response to a garbage crisis would be better collection and disposal methods, moves to make sure less waste is produced, or even recycling programs. Not China though. Instead of actually responding to their crippling garbage crisis they've just decided to buy a really big can of Axe body spray and just drench their trash in it so people don't have to smell it. Efforts are already underway to paint the trash to look like land and convincing people to ignore it. I think we may have to admit that China may be taking the lead away from us in the Ignoring Potentially Disastrous Environmental Problems category. Ouch. We really seem to cherish that one too.

Art of the Steal: On the Trail of World’s Most Ingenious Thief
What if you were a savant. And not one of those crappy ones who is only good at something like math, the viola, or counting toothpicks that Charlie Babbitt dropped on the floor. No, a savant at stealing shit. Such is the skill of one Gerald Blanchard, a man with the preternatural ability to seemingly exploit any flaw in security. Wired tells his story and how he was caught by two Winnipeg cops.

The most dangerous drug isn't meow meow. It isn't even alcohol...
Charlie Brooker, the man who did this, explains how newspapers, especially newspapers covering drugs, are the most dangerous mind destroying drug on the planet. And he's talking about British ones too. I imagine if he ever had to read an American one or watch American 24 hour news, he'd take his own life.

New Study Estimates Mass Deportation Of Undocumented Immigrants Would Cost $285 Billion
In a tremendous blow to Mexican hating everywhere, it turns out that if we decided everyone in the restaurant, service, farming, and labor industries it'd cost close to $300 billion, or $922 in tax dollars for everyone in the US. Everyone American that is. Not to mention it would completely depopulate California and force white people to get their hands dirty while laboring... and maybe completely cripple US economic growth. Plus who would militias and border state Republicans and Southern Republicans and most Republicans hate then? The Polish? On the other hand, if you put undocumented workers on a path to legalization, it could add nearly $1.5 trillion to GDP over the next decade. I think we know the clear and obvious path here. You start rounding up Mexicans and I'll go door to door collecting $922 a person.

I think I'll enjoy the architectural beauty of Dubai from afar, thank you very much

I'm not sure I quite understand the aims and goals of Dubai and the United Arab Emirates. It seems to me that they have two quite contradictory goals. One, create some of the most ridiculous buildings, structures, and resorts known to man in an attempt to lure business and high end tourism dollars. Two, subject anyone who goes there to the most arcane, regressive, and unfair judicial system anyone could possibly conceive of. I'm no rich Arab oil sheik or developer, but those two goals don't seem to mesh together.

Let me explain.

A United Arab Emirates sheikh was acquitted Sunday of charges connected to the videotaped beating and torture of an Afghan grain dealer.

Sheikh Issa bin Zayed al-Nahyan, a member of the emirates' ruling family, was charged with rape, endangering life and causing bodily harm in connection with the nearly three-hour long tape shot in 2004 in the desert outside Abu Dhabi, one of the United Arab Emirates in the Persian Gulf region.

See, they're just like us! Sure, one might say that he's probably guilty just because there's a three hour tape of the man pouring sand in a victim's mouth before beating him with a nailed board, burning his genitals with a cigarette lighter, shocking him with a cattle prod, leading him to believe he would be shot, pouring salt into his wounds, and repeatedly driving an SUV over him. But others would say, that you should shut up. I mean not only was he taking prescription medication that caused all of this, probably Rapinex or Abusitol, but they say that tape doesn't show everything the tape explicitly shows in graphic detail. Who can really argue with that?

Then there's stuff like this.

A father-of-three who was found with a microscopic speck of cannabis stuck to the bottom of one of his shoes has been sentenced to four years in a Dubai prison.
...
A search by customs officials uncovered a speck of cannabis weighing just 0.003g - so small it would be invisible to the naked eye and weighing less than a grain of sugar - on the tread of one of his shoes.

Frankly the man should have known better: there was that case where a man was imprisoned for having three poppy seeds. Then there's that whole thing where you're at fault if you get raped there. It works that way for both women and men. Equality!

So there are positives and negatives. Sure, you get to partake in five star hotels and the lavish life of the ultra rich... on the other hand you'll probably be raped and tortured in the desert, get thrown in jail for letting it happen to you, and then get an extra four years tacked on to your sentence of "1st degree getting raped and tortured" because they found out you had lemon poppyseed cake at breakfast. But, on the other hand, those buildings are really crazy and they have a massive hotel shaped like a giant wind sail! Agassi played Federer on its helipad! So I guess you'll have to make that decision for yourself. I think I'll just Google architectural reviews of their follies and "Dubai financial collapse" from afar.

Oh, I forgot to mention the slave labor and... we'll just call it "all the other stuff". Don't ever go there.

Broken News: Study reveals that most bibles are purchased in order to conceal weapons

STATESBORO—As both the Christmas season and fiscal year come to a close, today the National Association of Religious Manufacturers released a troubling statistical survey on the religious habits of Americans. According to their figures, nearly 90% of all new bibles are purchased solely for the purpose of hollowing them out and storing some kind of item inside, usually a stabbing implement.

The study, which was jointly confirmed by the National Organization of Catholic Churches, raises new questions about the beliefs and practices of the US religious community.

“I suspected the number of bibles used to hide drugs, money, or a shiv that you wish to jab in the neck of a prison snitch who knows just a little too much about your business would be high. But to see that almost no one is buying a bible to actually read it? That’s just not something I was prepared for,” remarked Jasper Boykins of the Catholic League.

In fact according to the study, the most common items stored inside on a hollowed out bible were methamphetamines, a shiv made from a bedpost, a shiv made from a toothbrush, a knife that had been smuggled inside someone’s ass, a shiv made out of mess hall utensils, and a shiv made out of a smaller, hardcover bible.

“Statistically speaking it’s mostly shivs or any object that can be used to stab or 'knife fuck' as the kids call it. Prison is a shiv and shank based society,” observed Dr. Henry Farkins, a Professor of Statistics at the University of Georgia who ran the study. “What I found most interesting is that most people preferred to use the old school method of carving out a hollow inside the bible that conformed to the shape of the object they were hiding. In my dealings with bibles I’ve found that’s the most reliable may to hide a killing implement while still maintaining the structural integrity that a bible needs to sustain to remain a sufficient object of deception.”

“Now some will just hollow out a rectangle, preferring instead to use the bible as a more generalized carrying case for all manner of murderous gew-gaws, deadly curios, and Sudafed meth. A lethal hope chest if you will,” continued Farkins. “But you’re just opening yourself up to suspicious rattling noises and an improper weight distribution in case someone picks up your bible to comment on just how devout you are.”

But while ‘concealing an imminent or upcoming attack or murder’ was the reason most commonly cited in new bible purchases, it was not the only one. Also rating highly were ‘concealing flask/alcoholism from wife’, ‘concealing stolen cash from post-church collection plate money count’, ‘using as a prop to convince evangelicals that you’ve already been converted and no longer need to hear about the miracle of Jesus Christ’, and ‘used to dramatically reveal to a crooked, religious warden that the full weight of his criminal dealings are about to come crashing down on him’.

“Ooh, that’s a good one,” exclaimed Dr. John Stephens, a mathematician whose own work studying the relation of how the size of the cross on someone’s wall was inversely proportionate to how religiously superior they wanted to feel to guests in their home was cited as an inspiration in this study.

“I mean you’ve spent all that time concealing the warden’s criminal activities, then, on the night you escape, you leave the bible with a note telling the warden how you’ve mailed off all the incriminating evidence to the authorities and media, finishing it off with a sarcastic quote from the book about judgment or justice. Classic bible usage!”

What this means for the church or religious manufacturers is not yet fully known, but already some companies are moving to scrap their bible lines in order to sell pre-hollowed out religious texts. It’s is expected that the money saved on printing and paper costs will lead to a surge in profits for 2010.

But these early measures are already being criticized as “missing the point.”

“Look, the relationship between a man and his bible is important,” explained Dr. Farkins. “When a man buys a bible he is making a commitment to himself to hollow it out to his own specifications to hide whatever it is he needs to hide from the prying and judgmental eyes of others. You can’t take that experience away from people.”

“We have to remember why the bible was created in the first place: as a means of hiding dangerous weapons or secrets, the discovery of which would result in damaging personal repercussions from the surrounding community. That’s why they call it The Good Book.”

“Besides,” he finished. “What else are you going to do with the thing? Read it?”

God bless our stupid system of government

You have to love the logic that comes out of our elected betters in Washington, sometimes. While some Democrats took time out at the beginning of the health care debate to mention what they'd really prefer is single payer health care, they know it's a pip dream. For most other Senators the reaction to single payer was NOFUCKINGNOSOCIALISMSTALINCOMMUNISMNOOOO!

Hell, even people like Joe Lieberman and others were deeply opposed to a public option because they thought it was a trojan horse for single payer. But now when you see one of the proposed amendments that has popular support, you find out that our senators fucking love single payer... just in a way that's completely backwards, overly complex, and makes little logical sense. To wit:

Senate leadership has pledged to allow a vote on re-importing prescription drugs from Canada as an amendment to the health care reform bill...
...
On top of the billions it would save consumers, the re-importation measure introduced by Sen. Byron Dorgan (D-N.D.) would save the federal government $19 billion over the next 10 years, according to the Congressional Budget Office. Dorgan's amendment would also bust the deal the White House cut with Big Pharma, which has vowed to kill the re-importation provision in "hand to hand combat."
...
When it does come time to vote on re-importation, however, the White House-PhRMA deal may be a bigger obstacle than Republicans. Dorgan's amendment is also championed by health care linchpin Sen. Olympia Snowe (R-Maine), who pledged last weekend to work to garner other GOP votes. Republican Sens. Charles Grassley (Iowa), John McCain (Ariz.) and David Vitter (La.) are cosponsoring a bill that would do the same thing.

Yes, not only are Democrats largely supportive of re-importing drugs from the socialist single payer health care wonderland of Canada, so are several Republicans. You follow? SIngle payer is something that would mean the death of freedom here in the US, buuuuuut if Canada wants to have it that's fine and oh, by the way, can we completely piggyback off it in order to lower our crippling medical costs?

You know why Canada has lower drug prices? Because they, like every other country in the world that has lower drug prices than us, negotiate directly with drug companies on prices. So of course we'd want to take the long, convoluted path of letting them do the work and then importing their drugs instead of, say, passing a bill that allows our government to directly negotiate our drug prices with pharmaceutical companies. I mean sure, our country is much larger and with much more people and we'd be able to use our leverage to garner much lower prices than Canada, but doing so would be socialism. No, it's makes better sense to import our drugs from socialists.

Don't you love the logic of the Senate? Now do you understand why nothing good ever happens there? Good, now go pass this amendment, Senators.

Brand marketing

Like heroin and love Twilight? Actually, strike that. If you are into heroin I'm pretty sure you fall into the 'love' category. Starting again: Love heroin and Twilight? Now you don't have to crudely mash them together, drug dealers have done all the work for you. Yes, if you're in the West Hempstead, long Island area, you too can buy Twilight branded heroin.


So far, only Robert Pattinson appears on the baggies, so those of you who like to shoot smack and are on Team Jacob are just plum out of luck.

I think it's nice that we've found something Twilight related that's more disturbing than, say, a felt womb or a sparkly vampire dildo.

Or is it? I'm going to need a ruling.

God bless you, captains of industry

When last we left our precious pharmaceutical companies they were valiantly sacrificing $8 billion a year in profits in support of health care reform....in order to make $35 billion a year. *sniff* Always trying to help us out they are. But as if that noble "sacrifice" wasn't undermined enough my vast sums of money they stood to gain, we find out that their plan to help reduce drug costs had one catch: it was going to be preceded by a massive increase in drug costs.

Even as drug makers promise to support Washington’s health care overhaul by shaving $8 billion a year off the nation’s drug costs after the legislation takes effect, the industry has been raising its prices at the fastest rate in years.

In the last year, the industry has raised the wholesale prices of brand-name prescription drugs by about 9 percent, according to industry analysts. That will add more than $10 billion to the nation’s drug bill, which is on track to exceed $300 billion this year. By at least one analysis, it is the highest annual rate of inflation for drug prices since 1992.

The drug trend is distinctly at odds with the direction of the Consumer Price Index, which has fallen by 1.3 percent in the last year.

My God, it's like prices for medicine and medical care in America often bears no relation to actual market costs or conditions. I'm just so glad that this whole health care reform is working out for pharmaceutical companies. I was worried for a second there that they might have to get by with the meager billions in profits they get from those countries with *shudder* socialized medicine.

No, thankfully they still have a license to print money, thanks to the US and our inability to even attempt to address costs in a serious way and a political party that wanted one days worth of headlines saying pharmaceutical companies supported health reform and were going to cut costs, and didn't care that the pledge to cut costs was coached in the knowledge that the only type of reform our idiot government could pass would mean they'd get back 4 times what they pledged to cut. Oh and that cut would be further undermined by a price increase so large that their pledge to cut prices would still result in a net price increase. I think we should all be glad they didn't pledge to cut costs more, otherwise only the wealthiest sheiks in the world would be able to afford Lipitor.

So in case you were worried about the plight of the poor pharmaceutical mega-conglomerate; don't be. They figured out a way to fuck your wallet on the front and back ends. I'm sleeping easier knowing that. Isn't that what health reform is all about?

Who could have foreseen?

Remember that part in the health care debate where the President announced that he had the support of the leaders of pharmaceutical companies to tackle reform and that as a show of good faith they'd be willing to sacrifice $80 billion over 10 years in order to push for reform? In return they got concessions from the White House that everyone pretended weren't agreed to even though there were memos and legislation has essentially borne out that deal.

Wait for it.......it was all a bullshit scam! Who could have foreseen? In return for their pledge to sacrifice $8 billion a year and get their priorities enacted in any reform package, the pharmaceutical companies are going to net nearly $35 billion a year over the next four years....and it'll go up as the years pass. I am shocked. Seriously.

IMS Health, a company that supplies the pharmaceutical companies with sales data, predicts that new health reform legislation -- combined with a projected upswing in the economy -- will result in a net gain of more than $137 billion in total market sales over the next four years. The new assessment was contained in document obtained by the Huffington Post.

Back in March, that same firm projected a compound annual growth rate of -0.1 percent in the period of 2008 through 2013. In October, with the general outlines of health care reform clearly in place, it revised that number to a positive 3.5 percent for over the same period.
...
The structure of health care reform, as IMS goes on to note, will have benefits for the federal government, which could save an estimated $30 billion from 2010 through 2019. ...The real beneficiaries of reform, however, would evidently be the pharmaceutical industry.

Hey, a few nickels fell out their large sack with the dollar sign on it. Be grateful. Just tell yourself the additional 60% in costs we pay for drugs over Canada means we're getting 60% better medicine and getting 60% healthier. Same for the massive price differentials in Mexico. I know the statistics don't bear me out on that one, and its deeply depressing to find out that Mexico can wrangle cheaper drugs than we can, but if you don't this is all going to seem really infuriating.

That's right, pretend. We have good cheap health care in pretend America. Everything's alright in pretend America.

Headline of the day

Police: Man Says Jesus Set Him Up For Drug Arrest

That excuse has never worked for Sean, but he's supportive of any attempt to make people aware of the kind of things their Lord does in secret.

Still, if drugs are around, I'm betting a guy with a beard and sandals is too, so I can see how this fine, upstanding citizen could have made a mistake.

Chart of the day

According to Gallup, in 2009 America is the most supportive of legalizing marijuana as it has ever been. 44% of the country not only want to burn one, but is going to bump into you while it dances to "Trippin' Billies" at a DMB concert. When the question is made more specific, legalizing and taxing weed in your own state, 2% of the population checks out and support drops to 42%. In fact, the only area of the country that outright supports legalization is the West, where 53% support everyone not being so goddamn uptight about pot as well as sewing patches onto baggy corduroy pants.

So are we ever going to see action on legalizing something that isn't harmful and stop wasting law enforcement's time prosecuting potheads? No, of course not, that would open up our elected betters to charges that they're "soft on drugs" and that they want to turn the streets over to tea shade wearing dope fiends who constantly jack off when they can't find a rape victim. Still, we're almost to the point where support become overwhelming and our elected betters are forced to listen to the public. I mean just look at how well that's going with health reform and the public option. Wait, bad example.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 10.23

How Drug-Industry Lobbyists Got Their Way on Health Care
We all know the government goes out of its way to favor corporations over citizens, especially when the issue is important, but it's always interesting to find out the sordid inner workings of it. Thanks to Time, we now know how pharmaceutical industries were able to whack $378 billion out of US citizens. The debate over lowering costs on biologic drugs was described as being so easy and so common sense to regulate in the same way as normal drugs that it was "low hanging fruit". Well, never underestimate the ability of our government to take low hanging fruit, carve a hole into it, and then fuck it while hooting onlookers throw nickels at them. It's the only way they know.

AIG’s Top Swaps Managers Kept Bonuses, Feinberg Says
My God, the word of AIGFP executives is worthless? You mean to tell me that all their proclamations about fiscal solvency and how credit default swaps wouldn't collapse the world economy shouldn't have been taken seriously either? What is the world coming to? I mean sure, they didn't return the bonuses thy said they would, but didn't they earn them? Shouldn't they be entitled to keep them? Not because they're smart or know one goddamn thing about intelligently managing money, but because people were mean to them. Awww, keep your ill-gotten millions you poor, poor babies.

Don’t fire Tasers at the chest, manufacturer warns
After years of telling law enforcement officials to fire their taser into the chest of whoever it is they feel the need to electrocute, the Taser International company is deciding that maybe it isn't such a good idea, what with an increase in the number of taser related deaths, and the fact that "take this hippie" followed by a 50,000 volt jolt to the chest now seemingly comes before "you have the right to remain silent." The bad news? Now they're advising cops to shoot the taser into your groin. I think cops need to put away their electrical gizmos and remember the time honored tradition of truncheon beatings. Where's the pride? Stop relying on Thomas Edison to do your work for you.

Food Dance Gets New Life When Bees Get Cocaine
You know, just in case anyone tries to talk bullshit on what drugged bees are like, science has once again stepped in to answer the important questions: what are bees like on cocaine? Turns out they exaggerate the quality and amount of sugar/pollen they found, would dance too much, have similar withdrawal symptoms to Lindsay Lohan, and lose the ability to tell lemon and vanilla apart. We've all been there: bathroom of some night club, snorting lines of cocaine, unable to tell if the rum and coke we're drinking used coke with lemon or vanilla. Solidarity bees, solidarity.

Human Spaceflight Ball in Obama’s Court
Well a final NASA review is in and if we want to ever do anything again outside of low earth orbit, Barry and the feddy gov is going to have to pony up about $3 billion a year more than they already do. So which is it Barry: humans on Mars or a future where space robots do all our exploring for us. That's the first line in letting the robots take over. Who do you side with: the metal ones or their rightful flesh overlords! Answer Barry, only the future of humanity is at stake.

I have an idea for a new themed pizza chain

Bernie Madoff is back in the news again as another civil lawsuit was filed against him, trying to get back all that money he stole. That's going to be a problem. If they want that money, they'll have to invent time travel, go back to 1975, outwit two streetwise toughs, infiltrate "a culture of sexual deviance", and then dig that money out of Bernie's nose.

Fallen financier Bernard Madoff has plunged from his Manhattan penthouse to the lower bunk of a cell he shares with a drug offender at a federal prison, where he eats pizza cooked by a child molester and hangs around with a mob boss and a convicted spy, according to legal papers filed Tuesday.
...
According to the allegations – their source isn't specified – Madoff deployed an employee and to get drugs from 1975 to 2003, fueling an office so cocaine-laden insiders dubbed it "the North Pole." Office parties featured topless waitresses, employee affairs were common and Madoff kept a list of his favorite pretty masseuses in his personal phone book, the lawsuit said, claiming investors' money helped pay for it all.

I refuse to accept the possibility that coke and hookers were used to excess at any time on Wall Street. Still, I wonder if "the North Pole" was only a reference to cocaine part of the drug fueled orgies. God I hope not.

Still I'd like to know the context of the whole "eats pizza cooked by a child molester" thing. Is that a reference to how far he's fallen, a "Look at what he's been reduced to" type thing? Or is it more of a "Haw haw" type thing? Because if it's the former, I reject the notion that child molester pizza is a bad thing. I mean if you want to lure children you have to get them with things they like, namely pizza. The man can probably whip up a good pie, not to mention chicken fingers and grilled cheeses. That's a benefit Madoff is getting.

In any event that entire story is full of win. Stealing billions to fuel drug and sex parties, hanging out with mobsters and Israeli agents, fight club, a kid diddler making pizzas piled high with pepperoni, and I'm sure he's being invited to all kinds of prison sex parties as well. His life is still better than all the people he bankrupted.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 10.19

In health debate, those numbers are just numbers
The Washington Post takes a look the organization that has had a large hand in shaping the health debate: the Congressional Budget Office. The office that can sent our elected betters scurrying for their ratholes or puffing their chests out in glee if he deems their legislation to cost more or less than the arbitrary dollar threshold that they themselves selected. Their methodology: a complex series of equations, surveys, projections, and math that they admit will almost always be wrong. An interesting look at how they figure out how much things will cost.

Missed Kicks Make Brain See Smaller Goal Post
Wired Science looks at a recent Purdue study on how perception changes for athletes based on how well or poorly they're doing, more specifically: football placekickers. When they're making kicks they see the goalposts as bigger, when they miss the kicks they see the goalposts as smaller. Is this why we lost the Chicago game, Jeff Reed? Have another drink. Sadly this study doesn't show what the hell it is that Jamarcus Russell and Derek Anderson see when they're out on a field throwing worm burners and missing guys by ten yards to the tune of a 35% completion percentage. It must be some hellish nightmare of swooping bats and laughing demons.

The Banks Are Not Alright
Paul Krugman, after headfaking positivity by accusing President Obama of getting stuff done, is back to the woesome dirge that is pointing out how bad our economy actually is. This time it's the banks who are in trouble. They're weak, following policies that will keep them weak, which in turn will keep the economy weak. Plus they're opposing effective regulatory laws. The good news is that the mattress where you'll have to keep all your money under in the future will always be fiscally solvent.

New Medical Marijuana Policy: Obama Administration Will Not Seek Arrests For People Following State Laws
So what's the Justice Department going to do if it can't set up bullshit sting operations to imprison Tommy Chong? What's the FBI and DEA going to do if it can't raid growers with legal permits from the states? Bust real criminals? I think we need to rethink this logical policy and perhaps set up another sting on Chong. While we're at it, let's keep on busting legally operating porn companies as well. Anything we can do to keep all our law enforcement resources from going to worthwhile operations.

Downturn has hit banking lobbyists
Awwwww. You keep hearing all these tragic stories from the global financial apocalypse and they just don't touch you. Then you finally hear a story like this and you know the true meaning of pain and hardship. I mean banking lobbyists not being able to work on getting the banking industry deregulated just because their work on getting the banking industry deregulated happened to melt down the economy and put banks out of business? Life just isn't fair sometimes.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 10.13

Offensive Play: How different are dogfighting and football?
Malcolm Gladwell looks at concussions and degenerative brain conditions in regards to the NFL. In it he runs the gamut from scientific efforts to study brain injuries and the unknown effects of concussions to whether or not these injuries are an avoidable or unavoidable part of the game. It's a nice little way to damper your love of America's most popular sport...at least until you start amping yourself up for Sunday's match-up.

Gag on Guardian reporting MP's Trafigura question lifted
A story on how recently the Guardian was not permitted to cover Parliament questions as a result of a gag order in a lawsuit brought about by oil traders Trafigura over a Guardian report on an African pollution disaster. A news organization couldn't cover news because of a lawsuit. Thankfully, for the basic tenets of free speech, the gag order was dropped. Can't the UK just use our example? Oil companies do something illegal-> most news organizations ignore it-> most Americans ignore it. It works well for us, plus no messy lawsuits. Ill-informed delusion; you might want to try it.

Don’t Fail, or Reward Success
Looks like everything is back to normal. Goldman-Sachs is set to hand out $23 billion in bonuses. But don't worry, that's all OK because they're going to give out a charitable donation of $1 billion....maybe. It's a shame they can only convert to a bank holding company and not to some sort of money printing organization. Makes little difference anyway. I'm just glad they're reaping the rewards after providing sooo many useful services over the past few years.

Placebos Are Getting More Effective. Drugmakers Are Desperate to Know Why.
You know what's just as effective as medicine? Tic-tacs that someone in a lab coat swears are medicine. You know what's a better than a white anti-depressant? The same anti-depressant, only painted yellow. Wired looks at the pharmaceutical industry and just how strong the placebo effect actually is. It turns out that in a lot of cases a sugar pill is as effective or more effective. Just as long as you didn't import that sugar pill from Canada.

Nearly One in Four Persons on Globe is Muslim
1.5 billion Muslims. Not only that, but the Muslim population will swell to 1/3 by 2050. *dusts hands off* Well, that ought to keep most of the right wing pundits and media personalities fully in business until 2050. I'm not sure but I think you could get Pat Buchanan to explode into bloody pulp if you combined this information with an appropriately sized pie chart and perhaps a prognostication from a fortune teller that we'll have a latino President after the black one.