In which we offer PR help to the Catholic Church

Pope Prada I meets Cardinal Pedobear

The Catholic Church is in a bit of hot water as of late, what with the whole 'raping kids and not doing anything about it' scandal. From revelations that the church refused to do anything to a man who molested 200 deaf kids, to revelations that the Pope himself resisted action against pedophile priests citing "the good of the universal church", accusations that you've "killed the church", inaction in other child rape cases, to threats of legal prosecution against the church, stripping of papal immunity in the UK, to the imminent buddy cop team-up and arrest of the Pope by rogue cops Christopher Hitchens and Richard Dawkins, it seems the Pope is in for a rough couple of months... followed by a rough eternity in one of nine circles.

So seeing as he's in a spot of trouble, we figured that The TB Public Relations Conglomerate are the obvious ones to give him advice on how to proceed and provide critiques of their recent media strategies and statements. First, my credentials: I was born on Good Friday and thus am probably the resurrected Messiah, I have been to or seen a church within the last decade, and can remember several instances and interactions with priests where I wasn't raped. Satisfied?

Onward with a critical review of current Vatican media strategies. Remember, this is for you own benefit, Benedict.

Bill Donohue, President of the Catholic League.

"The Times continues to editorialize about the "pedophilia crisis,: when all along it's been a homosexual crisis."... “It’s not a pedophilia” because “most of the victims were post pubescent,” as old as 12 or 13 years of age. Anything older than that is the fault of gays."

Nicely deflected. Not only is it an overarching gay conspiracy, but it isn't pedophilia, because the priests were merely raping 12 and 13 year olds. It's practically not a crime then. Still, some might not be swayed by the logic of that argument, so you might want to emphasize how raping kids once they hit their teens is practically a commandment. Plus, you referred to the New York Times as "The Times" and not "The Jew York Times". It seems like you were attempting a full triple twisting back crazy and pulled out and only singled it. We're going to have to deduct points for mild sanity in between blaming gays, parents, and everyone but the priests or the church for it. Practice the full crazy and get back out on that horse.

Grosseto Bishop Giacomo Babini

A website quoted Giacomo Babini, the emeritus bishop of Grosseto, as saying he believed a "Zionist attack" was behind the criticism, considering how "powerful and refined" the criticism is. ... Allegedly speaking to the Catholic website Pontifex, Babini, 81, was quoted as saying: "They do not want the church, they are its natural enemies. Deep down, historically speaking, the Jews are God killers."

Nicely played. The controversy so much isn't child rape, church negligence, and cover-ups, no. The controversy is how the Jewish run media is coordinating coverage of these legitimate claims of abuse and accusations of church inaction/malfeasance. This is the kind of advanced blame shifting and Jew baiting that one can only learn from a lifetime in the Church. Take notes, Mr. Donohue. Do be careful about trying to ascribe conspiracies, Jewish or otherwise, to this scandal. It has the danger of making people thing of other conspiracies. Like a conspiracy to cover up sexual abuse of children over a period of decades by a central religious authority.

Cardinal Angelo Sodano, during an Easter Mass at the Vatican.

Sodano's praise for Benedict as well as the church's 400,000 priests worldwide cranked up a vigorous campaign by the Holy See to counter what it calls a "vile" smear operation orchestrated by anti-Vatican media aimed at weakening the papacy and its moral authority. ... "Holy Father, on your side are the people of God, who do not allow themselves to be influenced by the petty gossip of the moment, by the trials which sometimes buffet the community of believers," Sodano said.

Again, nicely played by a high church muckity muck. Glibly reducing credible accusations and investigations, teary confessions, and tacit admission from the church that these accusations are true and that they saw no need to punish guilty priests further as "vile smears" and "petty gossip" is always the right track when discussing facts. Though I would not that your choice of venue, the Easter Mass at the Vatican, does smack a little of "preaching to the converted". It might be the textbook definition. Try to get a few feet outside of the Vatican next time. Also, embracing the Pope immediately afterward might not have been the best idea. If charges are brought that incident could make you an accessory to a crime.

Writer Matt Taibbi

The Catholic Church is a Criminal Enterprise.

This may be true but it is not helpful to the cause to point this out.

Vienna's Cardinal Christoph Schoenborn

Vienna's Cardinal Christoph Schoenborn, speaking of Benedict's long years as head of a Vatican office that investigates abuse, said the future pope "had a very clear line of not covering up but clearing up." ... "I admit that I often feel a sense of injustice these days. Why is the church being excoriated? Isn't there also abuse elsewhere?

Ahh, nicely done. When in doubt, state the exact opposite of everything that the media is revealing about Pope Benedict's actions while in charge of disciplining priests. Acknowledging someone else's reality is the first step towards losing an argument. Which is why I'm more disappointed in the second statement. Sure, the "everyone else is raping kids and covering it up, we aren't the only ones" defense looks sound on paper and is a real winner in terms of public support, but you acknowledging the media narrative and also tacitly admitting that priests rape kids and the church covers it up. Which is bad. The admitting it, I mean.

Cardinal William Levada, head of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith

"I am not proud of America's newspaper of record, The New York Times, as a paragon of fairness."

Yes! Question the source. Just how reliable is one of the world's most reliable papers anyway? Though in the Times defense they are just passing on the accusation of 200 deaf boys, not making the accusations themselves. So the question is: do you want to question the credibility of 200 deaf children and wage a PR battle against them? The answer might seem like an obvious yes, but keep in mind there is a lot of sympathy on their side. After all, they were raped over a series of decades and nothing was done about it.

Anthony Fisher, bishop of Parramatta

''Last century we tried godlessness on a grand scale and the effects were devastating,'' he said. ''Nazism, Stalinism, Pol-Pottery, mass murder and broken relationships: all promoted by state-imposed atheism or culture-insinuated secularism.''

Nicely pointed out. Where would we be without the Catholic Church? What if we were all atheists? What would we be getting up to if we rejected the teaching of the church? Probably something awful like raping kids and covering it up. I can't bear to think of that reality.

An unsigned editorial from the Vatican

[it accused] the NY Times of willfully ignoring the "truth" of Ratzinger/Benedict's record and of attempting "to instrumentalize, without any foundation in fact, horrible episodes and sorrowful events uncovered in some cases from decades ago." The media, it continued, showed a "despicable intent of attacking, at whatever cost, Benedict XVI and his closest collaborators."

That's right, not only is this really only an issue that the Times is dragging up, this all happened decades ago. Who can remember what happened last week, let alone decades ago? The past isn't important or legally actionable. Though again, try to refrain from alleging a conspiracy or using words like collaborators. It tends to make people think a group of people within the church, including the Pope, might have "collaborated" on trying to cover up abuse cases. Best not mention that kind of thing at all. Bonus points for not signing the editorial. That takes bravery.

New York Times Op-Ed Columnist, Ross Douthat

In reality, the scandal implicates left and right alike. The permissive sexual culture that prevailed everywhere, seminaries included, during the silly season of the ’70s deserves a share of the blame, as does that era’s overemphasis on therapy.

Yes, blame the left. It works well in American politics, why won't it help shield the church from rape allegations? I mean weren't these crimes the hallmark or leftist hippies and their 60's and 70's culture? What was it they said at Woodstock "Watch out for the brown acid and if you see a kid grab him and do whatever you want"? Wasn't Purple Haze about covering up abuse allegations? Still, while these are useful additions to the defense, they should not be made from the pages of the New York Times. Haven't you seen the attempts to demonize the Times and blame it for the scandal. Or should I say "scandal". If op-ed columns blaming hippies and saying the Pope shouldn't resign are coming from the Times then how is it an effective demonization tool? It isn't. Shape up.

So there, I hope that helped out with the Catholic Church's efforts to blame everyone else. I hope that these tips and messaging strategies will provide useful when attempting to pretend that credible stories, abuse allegations, evidence, and paper trails leading to the Pope don't mean anything. But I want you to remember the keys to this strategy: don't ever admit you did anything wrong (infallibility), don't ever apologize, don't ever attempt to punish or give a stern talking to any accused priests, don't ever appear to have a shred of human compassion, ethics, morality, or empathy, above all think of yourselves, and protect the Pope at all costs to your credibility and religion.

You stick to that plan and soon you'll have completely eradicated Christianity from the earth. That is your goal, right? If it isn't I'm going to have to change my advice.

Chart of the day

Click to embiggen

The good people at, uh, Good and Column Five have put together a chart, uh, charting the distribution of income amongst the various religions within these United States based on this Pew survey. What are the money religions? Where should you place your faith to get the most bang from your buck? Who does the baby Jesus prefer to reward with riches or curse with poverty completely irrespective of whether or not they believe in him?

Well, clocking it at 46% and 43% of member of their faith taking in $100k+ are Judaism and Hinduism, besting the national average of 18% *cough*stereotypesareaccurate*cough* Also doing well spiritually and financially are Christians (Mainline) at 21%, Christian (Other) at 23%, Orthodox at 28%, and Buddhists at 22%. Catholics, Mormons, Muslims, and Godless savages are all at the national average, while Jesus has punished Evangelicals, Black Churches, and Jehovah's Witnesses with lower rates of return on their spiritual investment.

Hindus also show higher than average placements within the $75k+ bracket, while also showing, along with the Jews, lower than average numbers in the $50k and below, poverty stricken wretch category. So I think the message is clear: Shiva and Abraham for your financial and spiritual well being.

Laugh now Jews and Hindus, you may beat us Catholics in the percentages and percentiles, but we smash you in raw numbers and overall money pile size. Plus our church is way richer than yours. Have you seen how decked out the Pope is? This all proves that Catholicism is better than Hinduism and that our improving of the Torah was a prudent financial plan. Because isn't that the best way to measure religions: by fat stacks of cash? I think that's what God would have wanted were He still alive.

'Tis the season

Don't worry Christians, CBS didn't forget about you.

Good morning to our Jewish friends

'Tis the season for Jesus and his much better older brother Santa. But just because Sean an I are nominally Catholic it doesn't mean we've forgotten our Jewish brothers and sisters. No, who can forget Hanukkah, the treasured celebration of...... that time...... Moses... freed.... the city of... Hanukkh.... from... Satan?

Irregardless, we didn't forget you and neither did Mormon Utah Senator Orrin "the Balladeer" Hatch. Hell, he not only remembers, he composed and performed a song on behalf of your people and what all we Christians assume is an important holiday. This is the kind of thing you have time for when you don't contribute in any way to getting health reform passed. Enjoy.

Eight Days of Hanukkah from Tablet Magazine on Vimeo.

Stay classy, South Carolina

Listen South Carolina, I know it hasn't been a good year for you. You governor went patrolling for Argentine trim on the "Appalachian Trail", you had that congressman yell out "you lie" during the President's health care speech, you had one of your county GOP chairs make a gorilla/Michelle Obama racist crack, and you have the House Majority Whip saying that the First Lady can't visit the state because of Secret Service/White House concerns over her safety. With all that and your....we'll say "checkered" racial history, why would any politician from your state think it was a good idea to interject Jewish stereotypes into a purported defense of Senator Jim "Make health care Obama's Waterloo" DeMint.

There is a saying that the Jews who are wealthy got that way not by watching dollars, but instead by taking care of the pennies and the dollars taking care of themselves. By not using earmarks to fund projects for South Carolina and instead using actual bills, DeMint is watching our nation’s pennies and trying to preserve our country’s wealth and our economy’s viability to give all an opportunity to succeed.

Oof. Ronan Tynan feels your pain. I'm just glad no one from your state GOP remembered any Jewish banking conspiracy theories during the whole bailout period. I guess you were all still worked up over the black President thing and prepping your really good Obama/gorilla material and aspirin related racist jokes. Just a suggestion: if the next time you or any politician in the state wants to make a joke, comparison, defense, or attack on something and the first thing that pops into your head is a racist stereotype, pause and try to think of something else. If you can't think of anything other than racist stereotypes then that's God telling you that you shouldn't talk in public ever.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 08.21

Health Care Industry Throws Away Money On "Pro-Reform" Ads (VIDEO)
The Huffington Post's Jason Linkins takes a look at all those health care industry ads that they're running in "support" of reform efforts and finds them to be a completely milquetoast nothing flurry of vague statements, fluffy bunnies, and bizarre promises. Enjoy them, this is what promising to hamstring a health care bill in order for "support" gets you. Not cheaper health care, just ads about vague concepts that kinda sound good.

US Jews protest Catholic document on salvation
Apparently Jewish leaders are shocked, shocked, to learn that Catholic bishops view interfaith dialogue as a chance to convert Jews and that Jesus is the only path to salvation. My question is this: what, you haven't noticed that's pretty much been the sole modus operandi of the Catholic Church (other than getting rich and finding some good looking altar boys) for the past, oh, 2,000 years? Still though, what's the big deal? Your book is half of our book. It's just a couple extra pages to read. Plus there's this whole part in our book where the story just repeats pointlessly 4 times. So it's not even like a whole other book. Give it a thought, for the sake of interfaith dialogue.

Justice Dept. Looking Into Whether Attorneys Broke Law at Guantanamo
In case you needed help remembering. Committing acts of torture at Gitmo: not investigated. Documenting acts of torture at Gitmo: not investigated. Giving info to detainees about their torture and torturers: investigated. Isn't it funny how that old bitch Lady Justice works?

Rise of the Super-Rich Hits a Sobering Wall
Oh, New York Times, how I missed your stories asking us to pity the hardships of the super rich during this economic apocalypse. These poor souls are suffering the indignity of only being worth millions of dollars. How can we not all weep openly for them? I mean other than the fact that everyone has also lost money and that income inequality is at an all time high? But then I look at a man having to sell his estate and his beloved plane collection and I know who really is suffering.

Lockerbie bomber release: Anger grows over hero's welcome for Abdelbaset al-Megrahi
Well done Libya, both the UK and US ask you to tone down celebrations for the return of a guy who bombed an airplane and you go out and have the dictator's son meet him in front of cheering throngs. Well done. Oh and great move Scotland, releasing a convicted terrorist who murdered 270 people just because he was sick. It's important that he's allowed to be with his family. Who could have ever foreseen this being a massive clusterfuck of stupid ideas?

Great moments in religious relations

Republican Senator hopeful Kim Hendren, on some of the outreach to the Jewish community he's undertaking.

Hendren, who is challenging Democratic Sen. Blanche Lincoln, told Arkansas blogger Jason Tolbert he put his foot in his mouth while explaining “that unlike Sen. Schumer, I believe in traditional values, like we used to see on ‘The Andy Griffith Show.’”

“I made the mistake of referring to Sen. Schumer as ‘that Jew’ and I should not have put it that way as this took away from what I was trying to say,” Hendren elaborated.

Defending himself again to the Arkansas News, Hendren went further, saying he didn’t know why the words “that Jew” came out of his mouth. He added that there is a Jewish person he admires — Jesus. He’s also partial to Connecticut Sen. Joe Lieberman.

Well, that was a nice campaign your were running Mr. Hendren, but now it's all ov...oh...you're running in Arkansas. Everything's fine. Actually, you might have gained votes. Smart move.

I do like his contention that the main reason it was wrong to refer to a sitting US Senator as "that Jew" was because it weakens his argument. Yeah, taking an entire race, ethnicity, or religion and then referring to a member of that group by the singular name of that group does tend to weaken the strength of an argument. In fact I think the only time "that Jew" is an acceptable answer is if someone asks you "Which one of these Jews do you want to give a hug to" and even then it's kind of sketchy.

But then again since the argument you were trying to make was probably something like "the socialists are coming to steal the American Dream" or "The liberals done hate the heartland", I'm not sure even a trip to Slur-ville could have weakened the intellectual heft of anything you said.

We didn't forget you

Happy Passover to you and your crime fighting, "It's clobberin' time!" brethren.

It is truly an honor to share your holiday of bitter cracker toppings and choosy murder angels with our egg and chocolate based celebration of the zombification of our God King in his cave of secrets. It's a superpowered religious holiday team up.

Beit Shemesh, Alabama

Just a little PSA to all our Jewish readers. We know you're out there.

Do you like sweltering southern heat, peanuts, peanut capitals of the world, National Peanut Festivals, Fort Rucker, Army helicopter training, hard-right politics, racial intolerance, Roll Tide, Nick Saban, hounds, and the color crimson? If so, the town of Dothan has got a proposition for you. $50,000 smackaroos in cold hard cash if you move to their overwhelmingly Christian town of 58,000 and stay there for five years. I know what you're saying, "Fifty grand to live in the rural, deep south? I'd do it for free." Well, they want to pay you anyway.

In return for passing this financial opportunity on to you, all I ask is that you put in a good word with your God for me, before we're all killed horribly tomorrow.