Quote of the day

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad would like you to know something. Well, two things. First, yeah he's still President. How'd that backing elections and a people powered movement to back the rightful winner of the Iranian election go for you? Twitter location still Tehran? Still wearing green? He wants you to know he found it all hilarious.

Secondly, while he watched the recent World Cup, he couldn't be bothered to enjoy it as a normal human would. No, he spent his entire time scanning it for signs of Western decadence and decay and wanted to share with you his findings. He hated that fucking psychic octopus too.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the Iranian leader, says Paul the Octopus, the sea creature that correctly predicted the outcome of World Cup games, is a symbol of all that is wrong with the western world.

He claims that the octopus is a symbol of decadence and decay among "his enemies".
...
However, the Iranian president accused the octopus of spreading "western propaganda and superstition." Paul was mentioned by Mr Ahmadinejad on various occasions during a speech in Tehran at the weekend.

"Those who believe in this type of thing cannot be the leaders of the global nations that aspire, like Iran, to human perfection, basing themselves in the love of all sacred values," he said.

Aspiring to human perfection and sacred Iranian values? Like what, rigging elections, beating the shit out of protesters, murdering political enemies and dissidents, usurping power, acting like a sort bearded lunatic, and rigging elections? Those values?

But you're right, an octopus eating food out of a bin of the flag with the most yellow in it, really summed up every person and every leader in every non-Iranian nation, and how they.... what is he saying... we worshiped the octopus? Only so much as it helped out with gambling. That brilliant octopus made daddy some serious scrilla.

He is right about the propaganda thing. When Paul the octopus ate food out of the bin that said "Islam is the devil, Israel must be allowed to wipe Iran off the face of the earth" I thought he was getting too preachy for a bilaterally symmetric cephalopod mollusk. And he's right about or superstition and worship of boneless suction cupped sea creatures as predictive auguries with whose proclamations we live our lives by.

So beware... The West, Ahmadinejad is onto you. He knows about the octopus and he mocks us for it. See? This is why we should have gone with a panda that eats bamboo out of one of two bins to predict World Cup matches. What we might have lost in predictive totemic psychic power and long held Western superstitions, we would have gained in PR. How can anyone verbally attack a panda?

Anyway, it's all blown up in our faces. Mahmoud knows how much importance we placed into the octopus. Disperse, DISPERSE! We'll meet up again in four years with a better, more PR friendly animal to spread our propaganda through eating one of two piles of food.

The plot thickens

Look, we all know that Arizona had to get it's border in order by arresting anyone who is suspected of enjoying Tecate and Corona unironically. I mean after all, these Mexicans are not only almost all drug mules, but they're beheading each other in the desert in scenes that would make Cormac McCarthy grimace. So says AZ Governor Jan Brewer, who sticks by her story no matter how many media outlets say she tells insane lies or that she's an insane liar.

But Brewer has only uncovered the tip of the Latino spear. Rep. Sue Myrick (R-NC), the ranking GOP member of the House Intelligence Subcommittee on Intelligence Community Management who would become the chairwoman if Republicans take back the House, has found an even more sinister plot. By "found" I do mean "imagined". But the thought of it did give her the vapors so hard that it's practically the same as the truth.

MYRICK: Well the thing that concerns me, and you mentioned this briefly, Iran is working with Venezuela. And they’re transiting through Venezuela, taking Spanish for maybe six months. They’re getting the false documents that they need, coming up through Mexico and if they’re stopped, they just say well I’m Spanish. And it, oh I mean Mexican...
...
And the other thing that we’re seeing, and we’re seeing it in your state in particular in the prisons is Farsi tattoos. Farsi is basically a Persian language, which Iran is, and we know we’ve seen Arabic tattoos in our prisons for a long time, but we haven't seen Farsi tattoos in a long time.

That cinches it! Iran and Venezuela are working together to subvert our borders and fill up our prisons! Those prisons are for black people, Iran and Venezuela, not fake Mexicans with Farsi tattoos!

Once these Iranian agents learn the secret of our prisons, our fruit and vegetable picking operations, how to get building work standing out in front of the Home Depot, and low paid child care... my God, they'll be unstoppable. You know, as long as their obvious Farsi tattoos (that probably say "secret agent" in foreignese) don't blow their secret status. But Rep. Myrick is on to you, Iranezuela Global Conspiracy!

I think it's clear what we need to do here. 100 foot wall across the border? Sure. But we need to fear the Latino! When they aren't beheading people to steal the drugs they're smuggling, they're stealing our freedom and sending it back to Mexico, and engaging in terrorist conspiracies with Muslims. Fear the Hispanic. And, for good measure, the Gypsies, Homosexuals, and the Jews. But mostly the Mexicans and fake-Mexican Venezuelan Iranians. It's the only way we'll be safe from the imaginations of Republican border governors and Republican Intel Committee members who should both theoretically know better.

Iranian hair news

If I were to ask you what the government of Iran viewed as one of the biggest threats to their Islamic state, what would you guess? I mean besides people wanting to vote and then having the audacity to want that vote counted. After that, I'm sure the first thing you would shout out is "Men's hairdos!" You would be right.

Oh the heavy burden of being the web's #1 resource for international hair care news. Some days it's fun. Some days it requires you to report on the squashing of hair freedom and hair liberty by hair fascists bent on hair totalitarianism. Such is the case with Iran.

In an attempt to rid the country of "decadent Western cuts", Iran's culture ministry has produced a catalogue of haircuts that meet government approval.
...
The "journal of Iranian hairstyles approved by the ministry of [culture and Islamic] guidance" was previewed at a government-approved hairdressing show in Tehran.
...
"The proposed styles are inspired by Iranians' complexion, culture and religion, and Islamic law," said Jaleh Khodayar, who is in charge of a Modesty and Veil Festival later this month at which the guide will be promoted.

"We are happy that the Islamic republic of Iran's government has backed us in designing these hairstyles."

Finally, after cracking down on women's attire that was leading to unnecessary earthquakes, the Iranian government is taking on men's haircare, which is probably causing tornadoes or something. Thankfully, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad himself was involved in the design of appropriate hair guidelines. I heard he fought for the "Flock of Seagulls" haircut to be allowed so that he could continue to play bass in Story of A Heart, his Flock cover band, but was outlawed by Ayatollah Khamenei, who thought he looked stupid.

What are the other forbidden hair affronts to Muhammad?

The list of banned styles includes ponytails, mullets and elaborate spikes.

Oof. And Iran's touchy relationship with the South has been officially moved into the "Irrevocably broken" category. Sorry aspiring Persian hillbillies, from now on it's either party in the back OR business in the front. Never shall the twain meet. What's cool?

However,quiffs appear to be acceptable, as are fashioning one's hair in the style of Simon Cowell or cultivating a 1980s-style floppy fringe.

Well, I can tell you one thing: nothing defeats the decadence of the West and it's evil Western cultural invasion, what with the Western rock 'n roll, the Western dancing, and the complete monopolization of the left side of a compass, like allowing your citizens to walk around with an Elvis quiff or a haircut in the style of the most beloved asshole on our biggest TV show.

So beware spiky headed Iranians, you will be identified, arrested, and forced into a government hair care center where you will be given an more appropriate hairdo. Remember when ponytails are outlawed, only outlaws will have ponytails.

That Iran stuff is still happening

As you may be aware, protests have sprung up again in Iran with government backed violence, political assassinations, arrests, and threats of more government backed violence occurring on a daily basis. Actually, if you watch TV news you aren't aware.

I know what you're saying, "This shit is still going on? But my Twitter location is still listed as Tehran, I don't understand why that didn't work." I know, I don't understand either. Perhaps Khamenei and Ahmadinejad just don't understand just how forcefully people meant it when they clicked on Settings and scrolled all the way down to Location. But not to worry, our political establishment, when it isn't calling for the carpet bombing of these protesters, is fully in support of these protests with all the might that cheap, cheap words can provide. President Barry explains:

The United States joins with the international community in strongly condemning the violent and unjust suppression of innocent Iranian citizens, which has apparently resulted in tensions, injuries and even death.
...
Along with all free nations, the United States stands with those who seek their universal rights. We call upon the Iranian government to abide by the international obligations that it has to respect the rights of its own people. We call for the immediate release of all who have been unjustly detained within Iran. We will continue to bear witness to the extraordinary events that are taking place there. And I am confident that history will be on the side of those who seek justice.

So you see Iranian protesters, you have history and the rightness of your beliefs on your side. I really hope that's enough to withstand a basij guard and police force that is firing automatic weapons at you, because that's all we are going to provide right now; moral support from a distance.

Actually we do have one more thing to offer you: sanctions! Now I know what you Iranian protesters might be saying to yourselves, "How will sanctions that will almost invariably negatively affect the very people who are protesting, do additional harm to the freedom movement, while almost certainly not moving the Iranian government closer to any of your goals, actually help?" I don't know. But it will make us look tough and like we're taking substantive action, so shut up.

Fuck it, you know what I'm going to do for you? I'm going to Twitter, clicking Settings, scrolling down to Location and putting in Tehran... in all caps. Maybe I'll add a few exclamation points. We'll see if I can't get this government toppled by mid-January at the latest.

This'll learn 'em

The United States has standards, people. If you rig an election (in a way we don't want) and then brutally suppress the uprising, well, you'll just get a few cryptic statements about legitimacy followed by a few timid remarks about how you're treating all the people you're arresting under false pretenses. But build a reactor? Strike that. Find out that the US has known about the reactor you built for a good long time but that they didn't know that you knew that they knew? That's a paddlin'.

The Obama administration is scrambling to assemble a package of harsher economic sanctions against Iran over its nuclear program that could include a cutoff of investments to the country’s oil-and-gas industry and restrictions on many more Iranian banks than those currently blacklisted, senior administration officials said Sunday.

The administration also is seeking to build a broader coalition of partners for sanctions so that it may still be able to act against Iran even if China and Russia were to veto harsher measures proposed in the United Nations Security Council.

This combined with all those sanctions the world enacting for stealing an election and killing, beating, and arresting anyone who thought that maybe votes should be counted, really ought to put a serious damper on Iranian plans. Oh, they didn't get sanctioned for that coup/suppression thing? My bad. Well, at least these new theoretical sanctions that won't get past the UN Security Council, really ought to make Ahmadinejad's non-Jew rhetoric a lot more interesting.

But let that be a lesson to future Ahmadinejads. You say "democracy shemocracy" and we will stifle a yawn with the full brunt of America's might. But you find out we've been reading your diary, perhaps even writing "I know you're reading this America" into its pages, then we will try to place sanctions that will affect everyone but the leadership of the country. Why not? Those people have had a rough few months, they'll barely notice the extra hardship. If they didn't want it, they shouldn't have not elected Ahmadinejad and Khamenei.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 09.21

Blue Dog Democrats eye new financial reform
Let me assure you, you're reading that headline wrong. Sure you may think it says "Blue Dog Democrats eye new financial reform", but what it really says is "Blue Dogs seek to fuck over decent financial reform". Mostly by scuttling a planned Consumer Protection Agency and weakening planned regulation. Because if this global financial apocalypse taught us one thing, it's that we don't really need to keep an eye on that whole financial and banking sector. They're good people.

Good Billions After Bad
Vanity Fair comes at us with a piece that alleges that the trillions from the TARP bailout package seemed to have large chunks of the money spent poorly, being put in the wrong hands, and doing the opposite of what was needed. And all just because the system was designed without restrictions, accountability, or common sense by the Paulson Treasury Department. Are you shocked? Neither am I. Rest assured though, nothing will be done and the next time a problem like this rolls around, nothing will be learned.

Ahmadinejad: Holocaust Denial A Source Of Pride
Some people take pride in a job well done, others by helping someone else out. Then there are others, "assholes" we call them, who take pride in denying one of the most widely documented events in human history. Couldn't he take pride in rigging an election and suppressing a revolution? At least that's an achievement. Still, this is probably the smartest way to kick off your big "message of peace and friendship" UN trip.

Steve Keen Out-Thinks Larry Summers
One of the great things about this economic meltdown, besides the hobo-grade tins of beans, hopping boxcars, and all this free time, has been watching some of the most respected economists in the world armor up, grab a truncheon and a shield, and wade into the Thunderdome to do battle on the bloody fields of economic theory. Up next is Australian economist Steve Keen, who hopes to garrote Larry Summers over the Obama Administration's economic approach and neoclassical economic theory. Winner faces the viking helmeted Joseph Stiglitz and his steel murder talons in the next round.

I'm Such A Shitty Senator
The Onion was able to look at Max Baucus and see the future, why couldn't anyone within the Democratic caucus or White House see? I mean just look at that S.915 Semiconductor Investment Act. What in the hell was that shit?

Oh yeah, this is still happening

I don't want to alarm you, but you remember that whole Iranian Revolution thing? Brace yourselves for disappointment. Despite the fact we might have rotated green into our wardrobes a little more frequently, made our Twitter icons green, put our Twitter and Facebook locations as "Tehran", and actually paid attention until a pop star we hadn't thought about in a decade died, the revolution was not only not won by the revolutionaries, but it's still going on right now. Still! How many more green t-shirts does a guy have to buy?

Iran's opposition Green movement put on a powerful show of strength today against Mahmoud Ahmadinejad as the hardline president repeated his notorious claim that the Nazi Holocaust was a "lie" designed to justify the existence of Israel.

Tens of thousands of people gathered in central Tehran to shout "death to the dictator" despite a heavy security presence and official warnings to the opposition not to hijack the Quds (Jerusalem) Day rally, the regime's annual display of solidarity with the Palestinians.

Ahmadinejad supporters mounted counter-demonstrations, leading to repeated scuffles between the two sides, news agencies reported.

Mir Hossein Mousavi, who claims he won June's election, was forced to abandon plans to take part after his car was attacked. Former president Mohammad Khatami, another leading reformist, was also said to have been assaulted by hardliners before being rescued by riot police.

That must have been a hell of a show, "death to the dictator" chants competing with "death to Israel" chants. It is nice to see that stealing an election, staging mock trials of supporters, and torturing and killing protesters hasn't dulled any of the sharp edges off of Ahmadinejad. He's still willing to go out there blame Zionists for all the wars, claim the Holocaust never happened, urge the Revolutionary Guard to beat anyone wearing green, and war monger with Israel all before he goes to address the UN General Assembly about Iran's nuclear ambitions. What a freedom suppressing scamp.

Fuck it, it's time to get serious now. I think it's clear that we failed to give the Iranian people enough moral support last time. I'm thinking we need to find an even better shade of green to change our Twitter and Facebook icons to. Pantone power, bitches! We change our Twitter location to "Tehran....you election stealing motherfuckers." We resist the urge to let our focus waver from blog updates, no matter how many celebrities die. Don't go looking to see if Dirty Dancing is available for rent on Netflix. Stay committed to the cause, Swayze would have wanted it that way. Once Ahmadinejad sees this and is subjected to the full brunt of a million snarky tweets and sarcastic live-blogs of his UN speech, he'll certainly think twice about rigging another election. I feel good about this. This is going to work so much better than last time. I'll see you on the Sherwin-Williams color fields of battle. I'm feeling 6734 Espalier or 6465 Shamrock.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 08.03

GE's silencing of Olbermann and MSNBC's sleazy use of Richard Wolffe
Glenn Greenwald on a story on how Jeffrey Immelt and Rupert Murdoch got together to decide that they should explicitly interfere with their news organizations for the purpose of protecting the corporate interests of their parent companies. Also: on using corporate lobbyists and advisers as "political analysts". Remind me again, why is the news industry dying and dragging us down with it?

Ahmadinejad’s Opponents Snub Election Ceremony
Talk about poor losers. Strike that, they actually did win. But still, can't the crybabies who had their election invalidated by a religious ruling council suck it up and go take a gander at the death of any notion of democracy they thought their country had? It is a rare opportunity to trainwreck gawk.

Land of Lincoln
Say happy 100th birthday to the penny! A useless, near valueless object of alleged legal tender that costs more to make than it is actually worth. Plus it just unjustly fuels the ego of Ghost Lincoln and is still a brutal reminder to all the surviving Confederate soldiers and the subjugation of states rights during the War of Northern Aggression. The penny: may we be rid of it soon.

Welcome to Svalbard, Here’s Your Bird-Defense Stick
A heart warming story of science, seed collecting, doomsday, blogging, smashing the fuck out of devil birds with a wood plank, menacing polar bears, Norway, and travelogue information should you decide to lose your mind and visit the Earth's northernmost settlement.

Scientists Drill a Mile Into Active Deep Sea Fault Zone
Why would they do such a thing? Certainly not to control the world's earthquakes. And if you believe anything to the contrary a bald, scarred man in a silver jumpsuit will be by later to slowly dip you into a pit of acid. The cover story is that they're allegedly trying to radically advance the understanding and gathering seismic data. They also had a mile long drill sitting around and really felt the need to use it for something.

Restart of Large Hadron Collider now November
Oh for fucks sake, will you nerds just murder God and suck us all into a swirling black vortex of death already? The project has been delayed as they have had to deal with helium leaks at their combination absolute zero cooling & birthday balloon station. Some goddamned idiot also misplaced a pallet full of particles, setting work back another week. Re-start in November, no work until December? How long is the world supposed to belay their excitement over particles colliding?

Iran bloggings

• There is tension in Iran between Iran's Supreme Leader and his newly minted flesh puppet "President" Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. It seems when they rigged an election to get Ahmadinejad in power they didn't want him to bring along his VP selection. Because really, just think of all the damage a powerless VP could do to a puppet President in a powerless government that takes all it's orders from corrupt religious dictators. Thankfully Ahmadinejad has vowed to fight on, because if the Supreme Leader is making demands on who should be VP, what other infringements on Iranian "democracy" might he make? Slippery slopes.


• This VP choice has spilled over into a fight with the Cabinet, who clashed with Ahmadinejad in meetings. They must really not like this guy. I mean all they're essentially arguing about is the other guy who gets to sit at the long table and pretend they're running something as they take their orders from the various old men with beards who control things. And really, who wants to spend all that hard work pretending you're a democracy and pretending you're in charge if the guy who is pretending to be VP and pretending to have more power than you is an asshole?


• Worldwide marches and a "day of action" are scheduled for tomorrow to protest Iran and the "election" they had. They plan to stream the protests on YouTube so that Iranian citizens can know that behind the firewall that's blocking them from viewing it, people are supporting them. In Washington there's going to even be an appearance by a man described as "the Iranian combination of Bono and Sting." These protest will involve 10 times the number of protesters as the teabaggers and will proportionally receive 1/10th the coverage.


• Al Gore's Current TV network spends a day with the Basij, the lawless security service that you mostly know for beating up, shooting, and imprisoning protesters.

Now they're getting cocky

I don't think the election thieving leaders are feeling too threatened by the protests and clashes going on in their streets. I mean they must either be completely oblivious or confident of the outcome. Otherwise they wouldn't have the time to send out sarcastically critical press releases and waste the Italian Ambassador's time by calling him to a meeting to discuss the freedom smashing going on at the G8. I think Ahmadinejad is just jealous that that Iran wasn't even invited to G20 meetings. He really wanted to see Pittsburgh.

A Foreign Ministry statement included Iran's "strong condemnation" of the "suppressive actions…which are clear breaches of civil freedoms and fundamentals of democracy."

The Foreign Ministry's Director for West European Relations 'condemned the use of violence by Italian police against protesters and opponents of the Group of Eight industrialized nations (G8) Summit in the city of L'Aquila, and demanded the compliance of the Italian government with its international obligations'.

Chief among the concerns of the Iranian Foreign Ministry was the use of too-bright flares by the police, one of the protesters being referred to as a "dirty hippie", and one report of the denting of a oversized papier-mâché head in the shape of Nicolas Sarkozy.

But you've got to appreciate the balls of Iran here. Do you think Iranian leaders were actually beating on a protester when they thought this press release up? Each raining baton blows down on some poor man when Khamenei says "Wouldn't it be hilarious if..." and then Ahmadinejad finishes with "...we blamed Italy for all the stuff we're doing!" Then they share a laugh and go revoke some more basic human rights. I blame Mousavi and the protesters. Sure they've dented the Guardian Council's sense of control, safety, legitimacy, and leadership, but what have they done to puncture their sense of humor and tactical sarcasm deployment? Nothing. I'm disappointed in you, Iranian Revolution.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 06.30

How a Loophole Benefits GE in Bank Rescue
Want to know how GE is able to garner billions in business loans from the TARP program despite not being a bank? So would the government. Thanks to loopholes, namely that GE literally owns two banks in Utah, they get to borrow money at a low interest rate to fund the rest of their bullshit. And you were worried that our elected betters were going to write, enact, and oversee these programs in a shoddy manner.

Ahmadinejad Calls for Investigation Into 'Suspicious' Death of Neda Soltan
What are the odds that she was covertly murdered by either American or British forces seeking to destabilize the legitimately elected government of Iran? It's a shame OJ got framed or else he'd be able to help hunt for the real killers with Mahmoud on some Iranian golf course.

Cheney Worried That Iraq Withdrawal Will ‘Waste’ The Sacrifice By U.S. Troops
The Dick seems to think that anything less than staying in Iraq for eternity will mean that American soldiers lives were wasted or something. You know what I think might have helped contribute to the "wasting" of US soldier's "sacrifice"? All those years the Bush administration spent wasting US soldier's sacrifices. But then again, maybe someone will finally uncover those weapons of mass destruction and ties to al-Qaeda in a way that completely validates Cheney and Rumsfeld's strategies for the first couple of years of this war.

Romney: Republicans ‘Believe In Allowing People To Have Choice In Their Health Care’ — Except A Public Option
Mitt Romney came out and outlined what the GOP wants the American citizen to get in any proposed health care program that none of them will ever vote for. They definitely want you to have choice and they definitely want things to be cheaper, they just don't see the need to do that in anyway that means you actually get a choice or cheaper health care. Glad that's all cleared up.

"The Commission Has Been Road-Blocked": Republicans' War On The FEC
Did you know that the FEC is a fucked over pile of burning shit that refuses to prosecute election violations because Bush packed it with people who are ideologically opposed to the existence of the FEC? Now you do. Give it a read, it involves criminal actions to suppress and intimidate voters and donations going unpunished and a comical appearance by a person described as "Tom Delay's ethics lawyer."

Michael Jackson's Last Video: One Of The Sets Was A Cemetery
Are you ready for the hundreds of pieces where news organizations take one small thing about Michael Jackson's work and then blow it up to intimate that he was presaging his own demise? Here's one of the first. Christ, I hope no one shows them the Thriller video.

Iran's Post-Election Uprising: Hopes & Fears Revealed
A little tale on Iranian voting, the coup, and the crackdowns all done in the style of Persepolis, of which you should read or watch.

MGM Digital Media
Want the ability to watch several of MGM's most terrible and cheaply made movies on YouTube? Great news then, you can either watch an Inspector Clouseau movie that has Alan Arkin in it instead of Peter Sellers, an Amityville sequel, the Casino Royale that doesn't have Daniel Craig in it, or one of Robert Townsend's lesser works. I don't know what we would have done if you didn't put these up MGM.

Headline of the day: No shit edition

Crackdown In Iran Puts Mousavi in Tight Spot

Wow, stunning insight Washington Post. But I'm curious, what about this whole situation do you think puts him in such a tight spot? Is it the fact that he's leading and uprising against the corrupt government and clerics that fixed an election? Is it that he is the #1 enemy of the military, political, and religious elite who stole the election? Or is it the fact that his facial hair and amount of time he's spent outside make him vulnerable to infestation from the Persian Beard Weevil?

I eagerly await tomorrow's stories "Iranian clerics might not be fully acting with respect to the law", "Questions arise about validity of Ahmadinejad's election", and "Iran may be dangerous and unstable, but I'm not totally sure yet."

Hurt feelings

You know, in all of this Iran hubbub we forgot to think of the way Mahmoud Ahmadinejad feels. I know, how could we have misplaced our focus so much as to not give him the focus he deserves? I mean he's suffering too, stealing an election doesn't win you many friends. I mean just look at his free pie and cake victory party extravaganza that he held at a Tehran Chuck E Cheese. Only 105 out of 290 parliament members showed up to "celebrate" his "victory". What good is suppressing democracy and beating and murdering protesters in the streets if it only properly scares less than half of the parliament to come party with you and listen to various celebratory Kool & the Gang songs? Now he's lashing out at Barry.

President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad accused Barack Obama on Thursday of behaving like his predecessor toward Iran and said there was not much point in talking to Washington unless the U.S. president apologized.

Obama said on Tuesday he was "appalled and outraged" by a post-election crackdown and Washington withdrew invitations to Iranian diplomats to attend U.S. Independence Day celebrations on July 4 -- stalling efforts to improve ties with Tehran.

"Mr Obama made a mistake to say those things ... our question is why he fell into this trap and said things that previously (former U.S. President George W.) Bush used to say," the semi-official Fars News Agency quoted Ahmadinejad as saying.

That's a low blow, but Mahmmy was just mad. I mean how would you like to explain to Iranian diplomats that they would be shot if they spoke out that the 4th of July Bash they had been invited to was canceled. They were excited to try hot dogs and beer brats! They already bought sparklers!

Ahmadinejad is right to demand an apology too. I mean sure he's engaging in a nakedly corrupt coup d'etat and violently supressing his people, but Obama didn't have to go point it out and rub Mahmoud's face in it. All I'm asking is that someone think of Ahmadinejad's emotional state, because right now it seems like someone has taken his feelings and beat on them with clubs and tear gas, then security forces on motorcycles shot those feelings in the gut and left them on the street. Christ, that hot dog party denial still stings. He even bought one of those novelty Uncle Sam hats. Now he's going to look like an ass.

Something smells fishy about this election

Surely this whole Iran "protest"/"revolution" thingy dingy isn't going to simmer down anytime soon. Why? Well those mass arrests and shootings for one, planned nationwide strikes, Mousavi claiming he's ready for martyrdom, half of the clerics criticizing the actions of the other half, and now there's evidence that the vote....wait for it...might have been fraudulent. I know, it's surprising to find this Iranian election might have been more rigged than a clipper ship, but I'm beginning to suspect that's the case. But don't believe me, believe Iran's Guardian Council.

Iran's Guardian Council has suggested that the number of votes collected in 50 cities surpass the number of people eligible to cast ballot in those areas.

The council's Spokesman Abbas-Ali Kadkhodaei, who was speaking on the Islamic Republic of Iran Broadcasting (IRIB) Channel 2 on Sunday, made the remarks in response to complaints filed by Mohsen Rezaei -- a defeated candidate in the June 12 Presidential election.

"Statistics provided by the candidates, who claim more than 100% of those eligible have cast their ballot in 80-170 cities are not accurate -- the incident has happened in only 50 cities," Kadkhodaei said.

Now true, the Guardian Council does try to pass this off as completely normal and cast it aside with a sweep of the hand by saying it probably only affected 3 million or so votes, but that's OK because Ahmadinejad won by more than that. So there's really nothing to worry about. These results were confirmed in a separate analysis by eggheads with books.

I've got to say this is a new one. "Sure there was widespread fraud that is so obvious we had to address it. But that's OK because the margin we picked Ahmadinejad to win by exceeded the amount of fraud we mistakenly made so obvious. Now fuck off." But when you're trying to set the record for Most Fraudulent Election, it's nice to follow the count and recount that featured no counting with reassurances that its normal for most places to have more votes than voters. At least they're consistent. But this is what happens when democracy tries to get in the way of theocracy. The people voted for who they wanted, but God knew better, so things had to be rigged on His behalf. Sorry Iran, but after all God is pretty smart and this is the system you didn't vote for. I'm sorry you couldn't understand that.

Khamenei to Iran: "No please, overthrow me too."

Some of the more positive movements within the Guardian Council, from clerics offering support to questioning the election to even the somewhat dubious offer to officially look into vote rigging claims, seemed to take a step back when ex-ZZ Top bassist and Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei decided that if the government gets toppled, he'd like to be under it when it falls.

Iran's supreme leader, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, issued a stern warning to opponents today to stay off the streets as he denied claims that last week's elections had been rigged.

In an uncompromising address at Friday prayers, Khamenei claimed that the high turnout at the elections showed how much the Iranian people supported the regime, and blamed western powers for interfering in Iranian politics, singling out the UK as the "most treacherous".

In a thinly veiled warning to the reformist presidential challenger, Mir Hossein Mousavi, Khamenei said opposition leaders would be held responsible if they did not call for an end to the protests that have rocked Iran since last Friday's disputed election.

"Street challenge is not acceptable," he said. "This is challenging democracy after the elections."

Ouch. What kind of world do we live in when the Supreme Leader of Iran isn't singling the United States out as the "most treacherous" for meddling in Iranian affairs. That used to be our thing! The 1953 coup was our Sgt. Pepper. People listening live to the speech even chanted "Death to the UK!" What about us, Ali? What about the Jews? Don't either of us get any credit? I thought this was all about us! *sniff* I guess there's a new western Great Satan.

The big news out of the speech, other than Ali officially getting out the sensual oils and lube for Ahmadinejad, dismissing even the notion that vote rigging occurred, and fully supporting the election results, was that the government would do longer behanding out permits for protests and looked to have given police "the green light to security forces to violently handle protesters." I was under the impression that's what the security forces were already doing. They weren't?

I'm sure this will end well for you Ali and you will in no way regret rigging the election or loudly supporting it. Bitter old despots always win when pitted against millions of motivated and oppressed people. Enjoy your post-revolution public square meathooking.

Broken in Brief: Iran can't believe you bought that 'democracy' bullshit

TEHRAN--Diplomatic relations between the west and the Islamic Republic of Iran have collapsed virtually overnight as the Middle East power has become distracted by quashing reformist protests to the disputed presidential election and rolling around on the floor in a fit of debilitating laughter.

Orders by both incumbent president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Ayatollah Ali Khamenei to crush opposition demonstrations over rampant voting irregularities were reportedly issued through tear-filled eyes, as neither Mr. Ahmadinejad nor Mr. Khamenei were able to stop laughing long enough to order police and military into the streets with a straight face.

"I... can't... believe... you all.. fell... for... it," the diminutive leader said, barely able to speak through his constant, hysterical laughter. "It was so obvious, and you fell for it hook, line, and sinker. Here, let's shake hands and make up," he finsished, offering up his hand in friendship. "Whoops," he yelled, pulling his hand back dramatically as onlookers attempted to shake it. "I got you again. AH HA-HA-HA! This is too easy! Ali, Ali, you talk, I can't stop laughing."

But Ayatollah Ali Khamenei was unable to even form basic words as he was laughing so hard. As he was doubled over cackling, some journalists began to point out a trail of urine seeping out from under his robes. Soon he was able to compose himself enough to sarcastically toddle over to a cardboard box at the side of the stage and mockingly put a slip of paper into it.

"Look! Look! I'm expressing my rights as a free citizen," the religious leader said before once again rendering himself unable to speak due to his uncontrollable chortling. It was at this point that President Ahmadinejad fell to the floor laughing, clutching his sides, and kicking his legs in a wild manner. "It's... just... so... funny," he squealed, gasping for air.

At press time opposition and protest leaders were unable to understand what was so funny. But sources close to them were preparing their own return joke. One source close to rival Presidential candidate Hossein Mousavi was heard to quip, "From a physical comedy standpoint, what's funnier when it happens to a despotic leader: public stoning or public hanging?" before being dragged away and tossed into a windowless van.

Picture of the day: Ahmadijinescared

From the good people at the International Society for Human Rights. Also, should you Twitter, we advocate switching your location to Tehran so as to better confuse the assholes trying to limit the amount of information coming out of that country during these protests.

Word of thanks

To the people of Iran. Thank you for translating your protests for foreign audiences. I no longer have to wonder what the squiggles say, you're providing the subtitles. It helps to know whether you're saying "Free Iran" or "Fuck Ahmadinejad".

I can't believe he didn't adress his illegitimacy

With his country rioting after its sham election, seven killed in recent protests, Iranian press being confined to their buildings, foreign press having visa's revoked and being thrown out of the country, and Iran's Guardian Council saying things like "partial recount" and "maybe this wasn't the best idea we've ever had", Mahmoud Ahmadinejad took to the stage at meeting of the Shanghai Cooperation Organisation with a lot to talk about and a lot of problems to address. So of course he banged on about the US and empires.

"The international capitalist order is retreating. It is absolutely obvious that the age of empires has ended and its revival will not take place."
...
"Iraq is still occupied. There is no order in Afghanistan. The Palestinian problem is unsolved," he said.

"America is overwhelmed by economic and political crises and there is no hope in their decisions.

"The allies of the United States are also not in a position to wrestle with these problems."

Don't forget "Iran is affected by a corrupt dictatorship that rigs elections, its people are rioting in the street." That's kind of a large problem. Mostly for you. The US? We're doing just fine, thanks for worrying though. You're so sweet.

Maybe you didn't read up on those parts of history where massive populist uprisings against dictatorships turn violent, but it usually doesn't end well for the leadership. At the end it usually veers into shot in the head/on fire in a ditch or shot alongside your your mistress/hanging on meathooks in the public square/bodies stoned by revelers. If I were a Iranian Mullah, and Allah willing some day I will be, I'd be more than a little worried that my body would be dragged through a public square while citizens gleefully struck my corpse with their shoes. Just food for thought Mahmoud. But then again maybe this will all just go away if you keep pretending nothing happened. I'm sure it'll end well. Especially for you.

Oh good, more chaos in the Middle East

Hey remember that part where millions and millions of Iranians went out and voted in what many world leaders, observers, and bloggers were calling a sign of hope for free and fair elections inside Iran and signaled hopes that what was essentially an Islamic theocracy was showing signs of becoming more modern and willing to join the world community? Yeah, that all went pear shaped, didn't it?

I can't believe rigging the vote in the most ham-handed way possible, shutting down methods of communication within Iran, blocking foreign news, putting rival leaders under house arrest, sending in police to beat up protesters, immediately signing off on election results, and ordering people not to protest didn't go off without a hitch. Unpopular coup attempts from an unelected religious theocracy against popular reform leaders usually go so well. Especially when they come at the end of an election that saw massive turnout in favor of that reform. I can't believe the Iranian people didn't buy it. I would have swore picking a random landslide number and saying Ahmadinejad won by that number would have worked. I guess that's a lesson to all you future dictatorships out there, when you nakedly rig an election, say your guy won by 51%, not 67%.

What now? Well suddenly crazy right wing claims of Iran/Israel military conflict don't sound so far fetched. Inside Iran there seems to be not only realization that this whole process was a farce, but real anger, and serious attempts to make sure this fraud isn't allowed to stand. Mir Hossein Mousavi, the man who really won the election, is still alive and seems to be able to organize his supporters into action. In a surprising reversal, Ayatollah Assaholla Khamenei has decided that maybe this whole election rigging for the massively unpopular leader the people are now in the streets rioting against chanting "death to the dictator" thing was a mistake and has ordered an inquiry into the election. Of course the same people who rigged it are probably going to be doing the inquiry, so let's not get too far ahead of ourselves just yet.

Isn't the Middle East great? Just when you thought there wasn't one more way that the place could become crazier and more unstable, Iran rigs an election. Good times. Oh, American TV media? You might want to , I don't know, cover this a little more intensely. It seems important.