He's back!

You may remember insane Tea Party candidate and Founding Father fetishist Rick Barber, who is running for Congress in Alabama. He was the guy complaining about IRS and Census oppression in front of a gun stroking Washington and calling for an armed uprising against the government. Gather your armies!

Well, he's back and this time he has a pedantic argument about the Whisky Act, an overlong rendition of the Star Spangled Banner, a girly slappy fight with Glenn Beck to enact and this time he brought Honest Abe with him.



So...... no... taxes? Because.... taxes are exactly like..... slavery? And..... the holocaust? THOSE GODDAMN BLACKS ARE GETTING FREE BAILOUT MEALS!

One minor historical quibble. You know that part where you reference slavery and the Civil War and how "We shed a lot of blood to stop that in the past, didn't we?". Yeah.... you're from Alabama. You didn't shed any blood to stop slavery. You people, your state, and your side shed blood to keep slavery. It was an important dividing point between the two sides. Us Northern homosexual liberals who are oppressing everyone with the tyranny of health care? We're the ones who fought against slavery. Also: Lincoln loved the shit out of taxes.

Anyway, keep it up, Rick. I await the next one with Teddy Roosevelt carrying a big stick and complaining about those damned Mexicans he fought and financial reform. I'm sure it's like... child murder or something.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 06.21

Moritz Resl's 2010 FIFA World Cup.

Alan Greenspan and Paul Krugman got into a economic slap fight over the weekend with competing op-eds. Greenspan arguing we need to focus on debt instead of jobs, Krugman arguing jobs instead of debt. Let's see, do we believe the tired old man who sat at the apex of this crisis unable to see what was going on or do anything about it, or do I believe the guy who just won a Nobel and has been horrifyingly right every step of the way. What's that? Unemployment is hovering at 10% and focusing on the debt by cutting spending will kill more jobs? Gee, hard to see who to listen to on this point.

On that point, the Washington Post looks at how our elected betters' myopic concerns over making minuscule "drop in the bucket" dents in the deficit is taking precedent over, you know, fixing the economy and getting people back to work. No worry about the massive state budget crises, the Senate has to make it look like they're listening to the ill-thought out concerns of voters by being fake concerned about the deficit. So a year from now when we're all eating catfood underneath an abandoned freeway, remember to thank them all for they way they knocked down the deficit by $5 bucks.

After 28 years the Bloody Sunday killings were officially ruled unlawful at the conclusion of a 12 year inquiry by Lord Saville. Apparently shooting the Irish under flimsy pretenses and then claiming they all had guns and you were under attack isn't, in the strictest sense, legal. But hey, they finally got to the bottom of it after three decades. See what you have to look forward to in 2038, Israel?

Simon Johnson looks at all the ways in which the soon to pass and soon to be heralded as a "serious fix to the an unforeseeable and unprecedented crisis" Financial Reform bill fails to do any of the shit it needs to do. Who could have foreseen that catering to banks and Wall Street and treating them as if they had credibility left would result in laws that failed to adress the things that caused the last financial collapse or deal with the fallout? But at least it's called "Financial Reform". They can technically say they passed "Financial Reform". There is that.

On the Bright, Shiny, Happy front, one of the men who helped eradicate smallpox has a message to the world: we'll all be dead in a 100 years, thanks for fucking everything up you soon to be extinct shits. There's a myriad of reasons, but mostly overpopulation and the fact that we're ruining the environment and only engaging in half measures -at best- to address those problems. He's 95, so he'll be dead soon. He just wants us to know that we caused it, we refused to fix it, and we should enjoy a hellish decades of existence that will result in our violent painful extinction. Way to depress everyone on your way out.

The Intertubes has found the only way to listen to the inane tweets and proclamations of the Tea Party set: by making them poot out the butt of a colonial soldier. They call it: Tea Farty.

In closing we give you Josh Homme of Queens of the Stone Age covering "What, What (In the Butt)."

Stay classy, Stevesy

Glenn Beck's 9/12 Project hasn't gone away. You know, that thing where we're all supposed to return to the mindset we had the day after 9/11: panicked, fearful, and willing to sacrifice virgins into volcanoes and gut our Constitution in order to feel a tiny bit safer. But apparently they've moved on from being a vague movement about feelings to teaming up with tea partiers to show their support for Arizona's "Walknig while Latino" law.

People inspired by the words of Glenn Beck and tea baggers joining forces to bag of Mexicans? I wonder who they would get to speak at that event? Turns out the answer is terminally retarded blowhard Rep Steve King (R-IA). What did he have to say? First he made the Jong-il like boast that he alone possessed fence technology to stop Santa Anna's new invasion.

King told the gathering of over 100 people that he could build a border wall that would ensure “not [even] a cockroach” could get across.

I think we know what "cockroaches" he's talkin' about. La cucarachas! HAW HAW HAW!

Any other bright ideas?

King said that under only one circumstance does he support amnesty for illegal immigrants: “Every time we give amnesty for an illegal alien, we deport a liberal.”

HAW HAW HAW! Then them liberals can go to their beloved Mexico which they love so much they are letting it assault our freedoms and pick the blossoming fruit of liberty for sub-minimum wages.

Of course after dropping those two Oscar Wilde-esque bon mots from in front of a Truck Nuts billboard, it was of course time for questions from the audience. Which means he was asked about some conspiracy theory. I wonder how he handled this?

QUESTION: I keep reading that Obama keeps bringing small quantities of Muslims into this country. Why can’t Congress stop that?

KING: You know, I don’t know what the basis is of that. I wouldn’t be surprised that that is the real factual basis. ... I appreciate you making the point. I will try to watch it.

Yup, President Hussein Obama X, the Last Imam hisself, is personally smuggling Muslims into this country. Probably on Air Force One, Sea Force One, or Hot Air Balloon Force One. Small quantities.. cells if you will... setting them up across the country... preparing them for the day after the UN black helicopters steal everyone's guns... then: The United Islamic Caliphate of America. OH I KNEW IT WAS COMING!

Most people would respond to an accusation that the PResident was smuggling Muslims into the country with a nicely placed "Shut the fuck up you crazy and don't get your deluded insanity secretions on me... I hear that's how you spread it" before casually flipping off the audience. Not Steve "Iowa's Pride" King. No, he does his best to confirm that's what he's heard as well and then thanks the person for bringing it to his attention and assures them he'll keep an eye on it. That's how turn crazy into votes.... a probably some future Ruby Ridge style FBI standoff.

Way to keep it classy, Steve. I eagerly await your House Special Committee on The President Who Done What Smuggled All Them Moozlams Into Our Fine Country.

The conspiracy revealed

Now that we're two months into this oil spill thing, I think we can all be clear of one thing: it was a conspiracy. Shady forces colluding with even shadier forces to dump bazillions of barrels of oil into the gulf in order to further their goals. Yet no one wants to mention this for fear they'll be labeled an insane douchebag or as ripping off Rush Limbaugh's material. Thankfully we have North Carolina GOP congressional candidate and teabagger Bill Randall to make the case for us. Oh yeah, you knew it would be a teabagger.

"Personally, and this is purely speculative on my part and not based on any fact, but personally I feel there is a possibility that there was some sort of collusion. I don’t know how or why, but in that situation, if you have someone from a company violating a safety process and the government signing off on it, excuse me, maybe they wanted it to leak."

“But then it got beyond what was anticipated, and we had an explosion and loss of life. And, oh man, then we have panic. Is there a cover up going on? I’m not saying there necessarily is. But I think there’s enough facts on the table for people that (they) really need to do some investigative research and find out what went on with that and get a subpoena of records and everything else.”

He doesn't want to suggest there was a conspiracy or say that there's evidence of it, he just wants to suggest there was a conspiracy and say that there's evidence of it.

Well now that he's lifted the veil on this nefarious collusion, we here at These Bastards would like to offer up this suggestion of the way it all went down. We're not saying this is exactly how it went down, but this is just what we've transcribed form the tapes we have of the meeting.

Barack Obama: Listen, I've talked it over with the lizard people, the reploids, the Trilateral Commission, the Ruling Commission of the Bilderburg Group, and the Seven Jew Bankers in the bunker under Zurich... they agree: it's time to spill a shitload of oil into the ocean.

Tony Hayward: Agreed. While this would normally seem like a horrible idea that would both cripple our company financially, make us extremely unpopular, and hamper the future of offshore drilling as a whole, we thing this is a great step forward.

Obama: As do I, even though at first glance engineering a massive environmental catastrophe miles underground and starting the largest oil spill in world history would seem counterproductive to my goals and make me seem weak, this is clearly the best step forward. Because we all know what will happen if we spill an inconcievable amount of crude into the Gulf...

Both together: Profit! And power!

(both laugh maniacally)

Hayward: I'll call Halliburton, Transocean, the merpeople, and Bigfoot and we'll get this started.

Obama: I'll start counting the money and consolidating power.

Hayward: Wait, but what if some freedom loving patriot, caught up in the spirit of 1776, decides to expose this conspiracy during the election season?

Obama: Hah! It'll never happen! Our plan is too brilliant!

(both laugh uproariously)

Obama: Now let's talk about that slush fund...

This all makes so much sense. It was all so obvious. Thank God we have Bill Randall to light the way.

God I love the Teabaggers

Anyone want to guess what state he's running for Congress in? Sorry Texas, you lose this round: it's Alabama. Tyrannical government! IRS! The Census! Oppression! Evils... being perpetrated! Gather.... your... armies.

Funny side note, if you actually read the Constitution you'll find that in the treason/impeachment section under high crimes and misdemeanors, "being a black President" is listed as the #1 offense. James Madison had in bolded and underlined. So I think he has a case.

Retro crazy

Harry Reid is a happy man. The terminally pathetic Senate Majority Leader was looking to get handily trounced in his re-election efforts. Mostly because of the pathetic spinelessness thing. But he's seen his fortunes rise as it was revealed that almost all of his Republican opponents were crazy.

The biggest battle in the GOP primary was between two women: Sharron Angle, a teabagger, and Sue Lowden, the one who wanted our health care system to be based on the barter of chickens. In the end, last night, Reid lucked out as the crazier one won. By which I mean the teabagger.

But, lest we think we're about to enter a grand new era of crazy conspiracies about government run concentration camps, secession, abortion causing breast cancer, eliminating social security and medicare, and other various fringey talking points, Angle wants you to know that she's bringing back some of the classics in paranoid American conspiracy theories. I'm talking about fluoridation.

The Las Vegas Review-Journal reported in April 1999 that the state assembly, of which Angle was a member, voted 26-16 for a bill that required fluoridation in two counties including the cities of Reno and Las Vegas.
...
Before the vote, Assemblywoman Sharron Angle, R-Reno, sought to postpone the vote so she could add an amendment to block fluoridation in Washoe County. The Washoe County Commission in 1992 rejected fluoridation, and Angle said the Legislature should not approve fluoridation in her county.
...
[Bill proponent Chris Giunchigliani] attributed the reluctance of Angle and others to back the bill to its potential financial effect on Washoe County.

But Angle said she simply does not like fluoride.

So, if you're looking for a Senate candidate who is looking out to protect your precious bodily fluids from contamination by the international Communist conspiracy, Sharron Angle is the woman for you. They will not sap and impurify out precious bodily fluids!

In case you were wondering, that's the only way to make Harry Reid a palatable alternative. Amazing that the Nevada GOP found a way to do it. Stunning really.

Stay classy, Mark

Did you know that they're going to build a mosque in New York somewhere in the vicinity of Ground Zero? If not, I'm sure the imminent shrieking and gnashing of teeth over this obvious tragedy will be forthcoming from all the requisite crazies who don't live in New York. Until such a time as those parties have stopped being distracted by financial reform, primaries, that goddamn stripper Muslim who stoled the durn Miss USA crown, shiny object, bright flashing lights, and our Kenyan President's socialism, we'll just have to deal with the wailing outrage of the the kooks who really hate everything brown, swarthy, and of or pertaining to the prophet Muhammad.

So it is with that in mind that the first shriek was thrown down from Tea Party Express chairman ('natch) and conservative talk radio host ('natch) Mark Williams. He went for the gusto and threw down The Umbrage and The Taking of Offense so thick that I think he's trying to set the record for "Petulant Reactionary Xenophobic Racism". He isn't going to need a second attempt.

The animals of allah for whom any day is a great day for a massacre are drooling over the positive response that they are getting from New York City officials over a proposal to build a 13 story monument to the 9/11 Muslims who hijacked those 4 airliners.

The monument would consist of a Mosque for the worship of the terrorists' monkey-god and a "cultural center" to propagandize for the extermination of all things not approved by their cult.

Mark closed by proffering an explanation from his book as to why Islam attracted so many mental patients and closed it out with a picture of Muhammad with a swastika on his head.

I don't usually like to guess where Jesus would come down on an issue, but I think Mark phrased it exactly as the Lord would. Although Jesus would have said it through gritted teeth as He lit a stogie of the end of His flamethrower. Then He would have yelled something about "You blasphemous maggots! Reduce me to a prophet, will you!" before turning His flamethrower on full blast and going to town on the Masjid al-Haram as He cackled like a madman.

Boy, I'm sure this will do wonders for the Tea Party's reputation. Way to keep it classy, Mark. I'm sure the city of New York is glad you're looking out for them in the most cheaply racist/hot, spittle flecked screaming/hatefully insane kind of way. They're probably so grateful that they'll forgive you when you invite some attack or natural disaster on the city for some perceived liberal or anti-Jesus transgression.

Video of the day

The former voice of Geico is here with an important message about drinking, getting the bright idea to use your phone when you're drinking, and not angering the corporate backing of the Tea Party Movement. And saving money on car insurance and being usurped in TV ads by a British Gecko. Actually, just the drunk dialing thing.

The teabaggers have turned on their masters

Today is primary day and thus the last day we'll have to see cheaply produced attack ads about subservience to Nancy Pelosi and Barack Obama's radical agenda or how some fatcat hates every working person and the start of the first day of having to see expensively produced versions of those same ads. America's wonderful election process moves on.

But with Democrats Arlen Specter and Blanche Lincoln as well as a host of other crazy Republicans who have been deemed "not crazy enough" by the teabagging movement poised to lose their primaries today, don't go thinking that all the basking in the misery of others only happened today. No, you might have missed out on Utah's GOP primary over a week ago, where sitting US Senator Bob Bennett came in a distant third as the Tea Party movement deemed his brand of right wing behavior as lacking that total commitment to unreasonable obstruction and lunacy and took their first of many Republican scalps.

To his fellow Senators, Bennett's defeat was a hallmark of everything that's wrong with the American voting process today: namely a sitting Senator being held to account by his voters in a primary. The outrage! But to those within the Senate GOP, this was a sign that those teabaggers were taking things too far.

Hatch — who has previously warned the Tea Party to start working more closely with the Republican Party — criticized the Tea Party for rallying against Bennett:

HATCH: A lot of these Tea Party people are angry, and I’m angry too. … I mean my gosh, They’re mad. They have a right to be mad and I think these Tea Party people are doing the country a service. But when they don’t have an open mind and they won’t listen, that’s another matter and that’s something I think anybody would find fault with.

The Tea Party doesn't have an open mind and doesn't listen? I thought that's what you prized in them? No? Oh, you don't like it when they use that impotent rage and fury against their masters in the only place they have power: the GOP primaries of intensely Republican states. But I can see why Orrin is mad, even beyond the outrage of a sitting Senator not being re-betrothed his seat like a gilded birthright that the people owe him. I mean how could they have ever foreseen that Frankenstein's monster would inevitably turn on his master? That never happens.

But lest the teabaggers turn on him and force him into a primary like they did his fellow Utah Senator, he wants them to know one thing: Washington... what's that? He's never heard of the place and he's certainly never been there.

INGRAHAM: But aren’t you part of Washington?

HATCH: Hell no. I’ve never been. I’ve never considered this a job. I’ve had, people have asked me, they said, “say Senator Hatch, don’t you just love being a U.S. senator?” My constant answer is this. No, I don’t love it at all, but I’m good at it.

For those of you playing at home, Hatch has been in the Senate for nearly 34 years. Which is longer than either Sean or I have been alive. But he's not a part of Washington. He just fits in well there and should be re-elected. Because he's not a part of it.

Maybe things like primary purity tests are the things you should have thought of when you and your fellow elected betters decided to turn your party over to the Tea Party. Ah well, here's hoping that they gorged themselves on so much meat and blood that when they come for you in the night, they don't have the wherewithal to eat your face, Orrin. I'm sure this strategy will keep them at bay. Good luck with that.

The teabaggers have a notion

Over the last year the tea party movement has a supportive boon to the GOP. Not in any sort of "legislative victory" or "marshaling public support" kind of way, but by mobilizing 4% of the country to support corporate interests in the name of Liberty, Freedom, and No Black Socialists, they've been able to make it look like their policies aren't as unpopular as they are. Plus it's been a positive boon to the long fading snakes on flags industry, which must be a considerable boon to the Gadsden estate.

But the teabaggers have also provided lots of bad press for the Republican party as well; from their seething low rent racism, to their mispelled signs, to their fundamental inability to understand the basic principles which they're shouting about, to the wealth of comedy and mockery they inspire, to the various creepy militia overtones, the calls for assassinations and intimidation of government officials, and weak secession threats. But throughout all these problems the GOP has stood tight with the Tea Party movement.

So it begs the question: what exactly would it take for the Republicans to look at the teabaggers and go "you've gone too far this time." Turns out the answer is "threaten their aspirations for higher office".

There are signs that tea party calls to repeal the 17th Amendment -- taking the selection of U.S. Senators out of the hands of voters and putting it in the hands of state governments -- are proving to be a bridge too far for Republican candidates desperate to steal some of the movement's mojo.
...
The "Repeal The 17th" movement is a vocal part of the overall tea party structure. Supporters of the plan say that ending the public vote for Senators would give the states more power to protect their own interests in Washington (and of course, give all of us "more liberty" in the process.) As their process of "vetting" candidates, some tea party groups have required candidates to weigh in on the idea of repeal in questionnaires. And that's where the trouble starts.

So now we have our answer. Standing toe to toe with people as they rant about socialism and the analysis they've done of our Kenyan interloper's faked birth certificate: sane, normal behavior. Standing toe to toe with people who say that the people shouldn't elect Senators: beyond the pale.

Shame, because that's at least an idea that the teabaggers have. Sure, "Repeal the 17th" is a completely stupid idea and would result in even more corruption and screwing over of the people than the teabaggers think is going on now, but you can at least have that debate. It's at least a policy. "Nancy Pelosi is stealing the Earth's sunshine as part of a socialist conspiracy against nice days" and "Burrackobamuhizamooslumraaargh" isn't.

So c'mon GOP, don't run from the one idea (besides "Uhhhh... taxes... bad") that the teabaggers have had. Maybe this can finally help move our national debate from being wholly consumed with imaginary conspiracies and threats mixed with aggrieved persecution complexes to merely about debating intensely stupid ideas that would never work in a thousand years. It's progress.

Suddenly I'm fond of the teabaggers

You know, for all their crazy backwoods behavior, low rent racism, misspelled signs, complete fundamental misunderstanding of the issues they claimed to care about, the complete co-opting by corporations and the mainstream GOP, and their tragic misappropriation of Colonial and revolutionary trappings, the teabaggers responded to the financial crisis in a rational way.

OK, they didn't. In comparison to Greece they responded to the crisis in a relatively normal way.

Three people were killed in an apparent firebomb attack on a bank in central Athens Wednesday as a massive protest against recent Greek austerity measures turned violent and angry youths rampaged through the city center torching several businesses, smashing shop windows and overturning garbage bins.
...
The violence Wednesday came as tens of thousands of protesters gathered to demonstrate against the government's recently announced austerity measures in one of the largest protests in recent years, and coincide with a nationwide general strike that has paralyzed the country.

The strike is seen as a key test of the government's ability to shepherd through tough austerity measures in exchange for an €110 billion ($143 billion) bailout loan from the European Union and the International Monetary Fund.

Greece is on the precipice of complete financial collapse as a result of the crisis, had to be bailed out by the IMF, conspired with Goldman-Sachs to mask the extent of the problem, and the government took the rather drastic measure of cutting wages for public workers, putting a three-year freeze on pensions, and increasing taxes on fuel, alcohol, and tobacco in order to deal with the IMF loan that might just end up making things worse for Greece in the end.

Kind of makes things like a black President and Congressional Democrats engaging in their Constitutionally mandated duty to pass legislation, seem like kind of a ridiculous thing to get worked up about, doesn't it? On the other hand, the President is really, really black.

So congrats, Tea Party movement. When compared to a country facing much worse financial problems and protesters dealing with it in much more violent ways, you come out smelling like roses. Thanks for only advocating for the burning, shooting, and killing of things you don't like, not actually doing it.

He's not talking about Tila

If you're like me you've viewed the recent Arizona "Breathing While Latino"/"We Don't Want Any Tourists To Visit Here" immigration bill with one question burning in the back of your mind: what's a good semi-racist way to describe all the Latin citizens of Arizona and the rest of the country who are protesting this bill? Lucky for us the Washington Times came up with the answer tucked in amongst a hateful editorial that not only whitewashes (irony~!) the violence, low grade racism, and incitements to violence at Tea Parties but attempts to paint Latin opposition to the bill as some dangerous, undermining, hate America first attempt to Destroy The Freedoms.

Imagine a group of angry demonstrators toting swastika-festooned protest signs calling politicians Nazis, shouting obscenities and racial remarks and throwing rocks and bottles at police officers sent to keep order. No, these are not Tea Partiers. They are the mob that turned out last week to protest Arizona's new immigration-enforcement law. This group of liberal rowdies has been dubbed the Tequila Party.

The Tequila Party. Classy. Well, I guess there wasn't going to be any reasonable defense of the "Achtung! Show Me Your Papers" law, so why not just completely troll the bottom of the barrel?

Keep it up GOP. No blacks vote for you because of your response to civil rights... and the subsequent four decade period after, so why not try to alienate all the Latinos as well? I mean it's not like they're the fastest growing subset of this country, are they? No, disaffected, rural whites with persecution complexes are. That must be why you've cast your lot in so heavily with them. Good luck with all that.

Kenyan FACE!!!!

Kenya is famous for exporting two things. The first is tea, to the point where a tea leaf is on Kenyan coat of arms. But I didn't need to tell you that. The second is our President, Barack Hussein Mombasa, who was smuggled out of Kenya in late 1961, secretly transported to Hawaii where he was given forged documents purporting his American birth even though he didn't need them because his mother was American, and a plot was sinisterly put in motion over nearly 40 years to put him in a position to become President and silence those who know the truth.

We all know this. Kenya knows this. The teabaggers know this. And Kenya is flaunting those facts in a flagrant manner.

The Kenyan government is taking on the Tea Partiers head on -- hosting a "Real Tea Party" in the Capitol next Tuesday to promote the country's status as the world's number one exporter of tea. And they are explicitly contrasting it with the other tea parties that have been held of late on the Hill.

"The Government of Kenya, the world's #1 tea exporter, cordially invites you to a proper Kenyan Tea Party on Capitol Hill (one without a political agenda)," the invitation boasts.

The difference between this tea party and the Tea Party? Well, actual tea and an implied dress code that is something beyond flip-flops, a placard about socialism, and a Dale Jr. tee. And, despite being held at the Kenyan embassy, it will contain a whole lot less people that believe Obama is Kenyan than your typical teabagger gathering.

So this is where the Tea Party movement is at right now: being openly mocked by Kenya for your little gatherings and ideas about the President's birth. And the tea in the tea bags you've been waving around is probably Kenyan. Ouch. At least you stopped the health care bill from pass.... At least you got people to understand more about tax.... At least you made the country believe you were full of sane peop.... At least you got the Geico gecko voice actor fired. That's... something.

Crayola lets you make signs quickly, and without thinking

Those crafty finks over at The Full Ginsburg have put together this PSA from Crayola thanking Tea Party protesters for boosting quarterly revenue:

Tea baggers jump the crazy shark

We like taking the piss out of tea baggers. Why? It is literally the easiest thing in the world to do. Well, maybe beating an infant or kicking a three legged dog is easier, but where do you get the smug sense of self satisfaction in doing that? But it is true we do like to mock their ignorance, misspelled signs, bizarre conspiracy theories, low grade racism, lack of understanding of their own issues, and fevered insanity because, well, they're just resetting the bat on unintentional comedy each time out.

But today we must pause to note the time, date, and place where the Tea Party movement jumped the crazy shark so hard that we even have to step back a bit to make sure this just isn't some well executed satire or parody. Which, if you read this site, know that we are unable to execute or identify. Let us count the horrors.

Former Rep. Tom Tancredo (R-CO) added, referring to President Obama: "If his wife says Kenya is his homeland, why don't we just send him back?"

Thanks Tom, for restraining yourself from screaming out the 'N" word. It must have been very hard. Still, "Send him back to Africa" is a nicely racist sentiment which ought to make people seriously consider the Tea Party's thoughts on tax law.

Pastor Stan Craig, of the Choice Hills Baptist Church, was particularly angry about the state of Washington, saying he "was trained to defend the liberties of this nation." He declared that he was prepared to "suit up, get my gun, go to Washington, and do what they trained me to do."

Exploit religion for personal financial gain? Demonize minorities and gays in order to gain political power? Oh, you were talking about the gun part. Yeah, kill those duly elected members of Congress! Spoken like a true man of God. march on Washington, kill the interlopers, overthrow the government. Like it says in the Bible and Constitution.

Dan Gonzales, who Chairs the Constitution Party in Florida, asserted that "this is the end of America right here," and if the Tea Partiers "don't get to work we're going to be fighting in the streets."

Who knew that tepid health reform and the prospects of tepid financial reform and a tepid climate bill was all it took to end America? Still nice of him to warn that if they didn't act soon they'd be fighting it out in the street. That is unless they took the advice of several of the speakers of the day and got their guns, organized into militias and went to go fight it out on the streets. There's a subtle difference there I don't think many of you are getting.

At least Gonzales also added a crazy conspiracy about the Republicans, who he believes are all owned by the Rockefellers. Maybe I'm just longing for a more innocent time, but when was it that the Jews stopped secretly running everything? I didn't hear about this changeover form the Jews (in their secret underground bunker in Zurich) to the Rockefellers, who I'm not even sure own a bunker, let alone one 3 miles under a major banking hub.

But perhaps the best was from William Gheen of the Americans for Legal Immigration PAC who in between praising Barney Frank (GAY!) for being open (GAY!) and brave (IN A GAY WAY!) about who he is (GAY!) and letting people know where he stands (WITH MEN, BECAUSE HE'S GAY!), let loose on Lindsay Graham.

I'm a tolerant person. I don't care about your private life, Lindsey, but as our U.S. Senator I need to figure out why you're trying to sell out your own countrymen, and I need to make sure you being gay isn't it.

He's tolerant, he just wants to make sure that secret gayness isn't the reason that America is about to explode. Look, Lindsay Graham might me collaborating in the destruction of America and it might be secret gayness and gay brain parasites that are making him do so. It's an honest concern. He just needs to be sure.

Again, go to Talking Points Memo for the full rundown with video. Merely reading quotes about Pastor led armies overthrowing government, thinly veiled spear-chucker jokes, and the serious concerns over the damage Lindsay Graham's covert homosexuality is doing to the country, doesn't do them justice. This was the Coachella of teabag crazy, it's just a shame Bachmann and Palin couldn't be there to push it to a Woodstock level teabag event.

Santorum: Now with tea leaves added to the froth

This weekend the country was subjected to more tea party rallies. Why? As best I can guess: so that the Republicans who couldn't get away from their lobbying jobs on Thursday would have a chance to stump for the cause of freedom... teadom. Case in point, Rick Santorum, last seen hilariously losing to a human sleeping pill by 18 points.

True to tea party form, Santorum stuck to grandiose claims about the importance of teabaggers and let the crazy fly when referencing King Hussein Obama X of Mombasa.

"Now it's a different kind of war. Instead of the Japanese dropping a bomb on Pearl Harbor, Barack Obama has assaulted the soul of America," he said. "And it's our watch."
...
"What did you do during this critical time in the future of this country?" "I'm not asking you to charge a beach with guns lined up against you. I'm not asking you to sacrifice anything except for some of your time, some of your energy, and some of your money, to strike a blow for freedom."

Look Rick, I know you don't live around here... or in Pennsylvania at all, but let me clue you in to a little fact about Western PA: we're cool with assault the first time it happens. Hey maybe there was some contact between Obama and freedom, but from the sounds of it things were consensual. Plus, what with these tea party demonstrations and pleas for money, it seems that freedom is only interested in cash and attention. Then there are these multiple stories of how Obama assaulted freedom; from ramming health care down freedom's throat to bailing out banks to being a Muslim, that I just don't know if we can believe freedom's allegations.

However, if this happens a second time.... well... Western PA will certainly be demanding Obama's trade. Possibly to Canada for a 5th round pick.

Surely it wasn't all third rate war and rape allegory. Surely there had to be good news to spread.

As Mr. Santorum was introduced, some chanted "2012," urging him to run for president. In an interview afterward, Mr. Santorum said only that he wants to have an impact on the race, as a candidate or otherwise.

"I'm considering it, but it's way too premature to make any decisions at this point," he said about a possible White House run.

Oh please baby Jesus, tell me that the 2012 battle for the soul of the Republican party is going to be waged by Santorum, Huckabee, Palin, Bachmann, and Newtie. I know they'll televise it, but at podiums on a stage doesn't seem to befit the majesty of such an event. Perhaps there's an open sewer pit that can be rented out. Perhaps one that has been tainted with radioactive waste. Then they can battle it out for the GOP nomination with some irradiated alligators and whoever wins, be it man, woman, or gator, will have the atomic mutations necessary to beat Barry in an election that ACORN surely will have spent years rigging.

Stop considering it, Rick. Run!

Barry is perplexed

It's so sad when you see the President get his hopes up and thinks someone on the other side of the political divide might congratulate him for something or pay attention to the facts of a situation. He seems genuinely confused. "They wanted A, I gave them A, now they're complaining I did the opposite of A. Guh?"

It must be a horrid nightmare of opposites he lives in. He gets health reform legislation through making sure to explicitly use the private insurance system as the provider and people knock him for a government takeover. He advances a nuclear treaty that started under Reagan and gets knocked for practically inviting nukes to be dropped on us and betraying Reagan. So imagine his surprise when he thought that people clamoring for lower taxes would notice all the lower taxes.

OBAMA: We cut taxes for 95 percent of working Americans just like I promised we would on the campaign. […] So I’ve been a little amused over the last couple days where people have been having these rallies about taxes. You would think they would be saying, “Thank you!” That’s what you’d think!

There's your first problem: ascribing thought to the Tea Party movement. Sure taxes are at their lowest levels in 60 years, but 2/3'rds of those damn teabaggers think taxes went up. On the other hand, that poll yesterday showed the teabaggers are richer, more conservative, and whiter than America, so maybe they're in that 5% that didn't get a tax cut. Which syncs up with polling that shows teabaggers are only 4% of the country. Maybe that other 1% is just too rich to care.

So chin up, Barry. I mean if they haven't come around on the fact that you're not a Kenyan or that you can't be both the radical black progeny of a radical black preacher and a Muslim, they aren't going to get it on taxes either. Try to start them off slowly, maybe get them to learn the definition of socialism and then have Rahm work up some easy to read graphs showing the tax rate. I'm sure they'll come around.

Quote of the day

One America's most entertaining sane congressmen Rep. Anthony Weiner (D-NY) on his interactions with the Tea Party movement.

“I follow Twitter for the Tea Party and just show up to fuck with them,” he said. The crowd of 20-somethings crowed.

“No, I don’t actually do that. I just sit at my desk and they send me talcum powder every couple of weeks.”

I guess that's a badge of honor then. Or are you disappointed that it was only talcum? You have to keep your hopes down, the right wing fringe groups only break out the anthrax for the big dogs. Just keep plugging at it, pushin' for liberal stuff and someday soon I'll bet some poorly read terrorist with a copy of the Turner Diaries signed by Sean Hannity will cut out a letters from a magazine to concoct a poorly thought out threatening letter and dust it with the good stuff.

Hang in there. Low level demonization by half-wits is still something to be proud of.

Shocking findings

As it is April 15th, Evil Government Stealing Your Money To Give It To The Blacks Day as some know it, there is of course a great deal more attention placed on the Tea Party and the Teabaggers. Because, after all, in addition to being an amateur society of birth certificate experts who could eyeball a man who was born in Mombasa at 100 paces, their movement is ostensibly about taxes or something. That's what the TEA stands for... Taxed Enough Already.

Sure sure, fine fine, they don't actually know anything about taxes or tax cuts they've gotten from Hussein Obama X or really... anything, but they do loudly claim that this is all about taxes... somewhere in between several rants about fascism, how that chubby Glenn Beck boy is right, and how they're holding out hope for that Palin/Bachmann ticket.

But what of the Teabaggers? Who are they? If the immediate thought running through your head was whitewhitewhiteoooohsweetjesusfuckingwhitepeople well... you were right. As a New York Times/CBS News poll explains.

The 18 percent of Americans who identify themselves as Tea Party supporters tend to be Republican, white, male, married and older than 45.

They hold more conservative views on a range of issues than Republicans generally. They are also more likely to describe themselves as “very conservative” and President Obama as “very liberal.”

And while most Republicans say they are “dissatisfied” with Washington, Tea Party supporters are more likely to classify themselves as “angry.”

I am Jack's utter lack of surprise. But only if there was some way this poll also quantified their seeming large scale racial resentment and white victimhood persecution complexes.

Tea Party supporters’ fierce animosity toward Washington, and the president in particular, is rooted in deep pessimism about the direction of the country and the conviction that the policies of the Obama administration are disproportionately directed at helping the poor rather than the middle class or the rich.

The overwhelming majority of supporters say Mr. Obama does not share the values most Americans live by and that he does not understand the problems of people like themselves. More than half say the policies of the administration favor the poor, and 25 percent think that the administration favors blacks over whites — compared with 11 percent of the general public. They are more likely than the general public, and Republicans, to say that too much has been made of the problems facing black people.

No! You don't say!

Lest you think this article and poll is merely there to state the obvious, there is a treasure trove of interviews with Teabaggers who aside from divulging their thought on how Obama is a Kenyan, a Muslim who dishonors this country by not picking a DC church to go to, general rage at "spending" and "waste", blah blah socialism, accusations that Obama is taking America away from what it used to be, how Obama is making the country not great, they are also filled with rage over socialist government programs... which they then reveal they're for when, like with Medicare or Social Security, they are in them.

To quoth Steve Benen at the Washington Monthly

If you were to make a Venn Diagram of the issues Tea Party members care about, and the issues Tea Party members are confused about, you'd only see one circle.

But these are an important group of Americans that it is important we listen to and they will get incessant coverage even though about 4% of the country is a Teabagger and blah blah blah.

At least we now officially know that the Tea Party is comprised of old, rich, ultra-conservative white people who don't know anything about what they claim they're most interested in. At least that's nice to have it finally made official.

Yup

Happy Tax Day everyone! I hope this is the first time anyone reminded you that it is April 15th and that you now just went "Ooooooooh shiiiiiiit!" and are now scrambling around your office/tin lean-to/refrigerator box/home in a desperate attempt to finish your taxes before Obama's IRS armies come bust your head in. A man can dream, can't he?

[via Instaputz via Married to the Sea]