Broken in Brief: Apple products "just work" says idiot with duct tape all over his phone

SAN FRANCISCO—Despite a recent run of bad publicity surrounding the iPhone 4G launch, local Apple enthusiast and Mac Store Genius Gerard Adams has steadfastly supported the company, claiming he buys and invests his personal sense of self-worth in the tech giant because their products, despite ample evidence to the contrary, “just work."

“Look, I’ve heard about these tepid reviews for the iPhone 4G pointing out design flaws and basic service inefficiencies and I just don’t think a man like Steve Jobs could ever make the kind of mistakes they’re accusing him of,” said Adams during a phone call to our offices.

“I’m sure, just as Steve said, these reception and antenna problems are in no way the fault of AT&T, but rather the result of humans having learned to hold phones the wrong way over the last century. Who knew you were supposed to use a grip that holds the phone from the top and bottom as opposed to the sides? Apple, that’s who.”

“And just look at the design,” he continued. “Sure, some might say that all the careful work that went into the phone is ruined by having to put duct tape all over the sides like a backwoods hillbilly just so that it can make or receive calls. But Apple is just tapping into that rugged DIY aesthetic and American can-do attitude that made this country great. Besides, dull gray tape goes well with a high gloss phone finish.”

“Can you imagine if this was a Microsoft project,” Adams asked indignantly, snorting as he said it. “I mean, there’d probably be a bug or some dorky guy in a suit telling you about how great Vista is.”

“Oh, God. Vista,” he laughed. “See...”

At this point Adams' phone cut out, possibly because he held it the wrong way. As of press time we had been unable to phone him back.

Plea of the day

A sign you'll see popping up at local BPs... if you'd even bother to buy gas from one now.


This was the final draft of the placard. There were many earlier drafts and through the magic of making shit up and lying to you, we at These Bastards is able to bring a few of them to you.

Thanks for not caring about anything other than the price of a gallon of gas.

Like you were ever going to see a Roseate Spoonbill or Red Egret in person. And Pacific Bluefin Tuna taste just as good as the Gulf ones. I dare anyone to say we've made the Brown Pelican browner.

Fuck birds, man. Anyway, thanks.

Then there's this one.

What the fuck don't you people understand about "Independently owned and operated?" Do I sound like I have a British accent? I didn't spill anything in your ocean.

These signs are being made in bulk, so we're just going to assume the accent you're hearing is Pakistani or possibly Russian, because odds are it is.

We hate the Brits just as much as you. Colony having motherfuckers. Please don't take it out on us.

Third try.

I'm fine with it if you don't want to buy gas from me. I wouldn't want to support BP if I were in your position either.

Can I tell you a secret? *moves in closely*

*whispers* We make more from the snacks and pop than we do from the gas. So really, fuck BP and their oil. But could you buy a Coke and some Twizzlers?

Thanks.

Also.

Like you've never made a mistake in your life!! OH, MR. AND MISSUS FUCKING PERFECT SITTING THERE IN THEIR CAR GETTING SO FUCKING JUDGMENTAL!!!

Buy gas, don't buy gas. We don't care. We're all rich British lords and at the end of the day we'll all still be rich British lords. You'll still be some Yank asshole.

Fuck it, FUCK OFF! We don't event want to sell you any gas anyway. Get stuffed, tosser. Jog on.

Finally.

Why does everyone think we're the ones that spilled oil in the Gulf?

Nah man, that was Sunoco. You must have heard wrong.

We won't hold it against you, though. BP is cool like that.

BP is cool like that.

God is to blame

Indignant Bible thumper and fierce advocate for "the family" and "family values" Mark Souder (R-IN) was caught a few weeks back carrying on affairs with someone who was not his wife or the Lord. He resigned. It was a tremendous shock to everyone. I mean a moralizing blowhard being hoisted on his own petard and being revealed as a gross hypocrite? Hardly ever happens. Especially not to right wing religious fundamentalists. Actually, it was kind of shocking that he wasn't a closeted gay guy like about 90% of the others.

Not content to slink off in shame and not embarrass himself in public any further, Souder decided he needed to let everyone have another go around and mocking him.

"I prayed multiple times a day, sang hymns with emotion and tears, felt each time that it wouldn't happen again, read the Bible every morning. . . . So how in the world did I have a 'torrid' (which is an accurate word) many-year affair?"

Is it because you seemingly expected an invisible bearded man in the sky to get up off his golden throne, teleport down to earth, and zip your pants up for you? That you sang songs about Hos-an-na in the high-est instead of focusing on not fucking another person or dealing with emotional or marital problems you were having? That you never realized that prayer is easily defeated by bare breasts?

No, clearly God is to blame here. He failed to stop you after you clearly said His magic words and sang His magic songs. Maybe He did hear your cries, it's just that in the immortal words of Frank Zappa: Jesus Thinks You're A Jerk. Maybe you were confusing Yahweh by yelling "Oh God! Oh God!" during the various affairs.

Anyway, He clearly let you down, Mark. Expect a handwritten apology letter to appear in a torilla in Juarez sometime over the summer.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 09.03

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Your new health care excuse

Senator Joe Lieberman, wheeling out the newest excuse for why everyone would really like to give you health care, but by golly they've just thought of a reason why you should continue to live with the status quo.

LIEBERMAN: Morally, everyone of us would like to cover every American with health insurance but that’s where you spend most of the trillion dollars plus, or a little less that is estimated, the estimate said this health care plan will cost. And I’m afraid we’ve got to think about putting a lot of that off until the economy is out of recession. There’s no reason we have to do it all now.

Oh this damnable economy. I mean sure, Joe's cool with spending billions and trillions on old wars, new wars, re commitment's to old wars, bailing out banks, buying financial institutions, and just throwing stacks of cash into the Senate wood-chipper out behind the Washington Monument. But the one thing he will not abide spending money on? Health care.

Because the one thing people have plenty of in a recession is jobs with health care, money to pay for premiums, and money to pay for emergency health care if they don't have coverage. So really, why would you ever need to do try to reform anything? It just doesn't make sense to try to cheapen and expand coverage when unemployment is 10%. I mean the fact that all these plans don't even phase in with significant spending until after the next Presidential election, with the bulk of the costs coming in the latter half of the next decade is irrelevant. We're in a recession now, so no spending. Unless that is we have to buy another bank, bail out a financial giant, or Iran gets a saucy look in its eye. Then we have money. Health care? Always something we should do "later".