Chart of the day

I'm not saying we aren't going to get our hair mussed, but when the robots rise up, we won't be getting the worst of it.

We can hold out for a while, but eventually humanity will have to retreat to Africa. There we will gather our strength, and with a mighty vuvuzela blast we will make our last charge against them on the battlefield.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 07.02

Zombie Meat. For when you want a blue peppered jerky snack that makes it seem like you're eating the flesh on a re-animated dead body.

In America Has An Awful News industry news, Adam Serwer goes into detail about how waterboarding moved from being "clearly torture" to "erm..... *clears throat, tugs at collar* a matter.... of.. debate?" in the New York Times during the Bush Administration because of politics and GOP messaging. It turns out that high level journalistic arts requires giving credence to both sides of an issue, even if there aren't two sides and one is just craven ass-covering.

Think Progress compiles a list of Senators who not only have successfully blocked extending unemployment benefits, pretty much the least thing we can do to combat the bad job market, but have also essentially helped block doing anything substantial about jobs. What's so great about this list? They all come from states with double digit unemployment that is much higher than the national average. Hey, when you're trying to sink the economy further to help your electoral prospects in November, you can't be concerned with little things like people or people who elected you.

Now we know why Arizona had to enact that Walking While Latino law. Apparently there are roving gangs of crazed illegal immigrants decapitating law abiding citizens. So says Governor Jan Brewer. Some liberals, media types, Latino groups, and people with common sense say that this is a completely fabricated lie intended to scaremonger about the Mexicanos, but I don't know; illegal Latin guillotine gangs sounds so plausible. Maybe this is a new breed of Mexican coming here searching for a job and a head (or cabesa as they call it). No dice, Pablo, those jobs and heads are ours.

Scientists believe they have found the earliest known form of complex cellular life: weird scallop things that are 2.1 billion years old. Do you know how they figure out how old the organism was? It was carrying an ancient bible and they just added up all the ages of the people inside it.

The Amazing Kreskin has offered up his services to the Pittsburgh Pirates, saying that unless they hire him they'll continue to lose for at least two more years and he'd offer his help to stop their 18-year losing streak. Unless Kreskin can go a solid 7 every five days and keep his ERA under 3 or has some serious gap power, I don't think he can do much for us. Unless he has no ethical qualms about hypnotizing Bob Nutting into committing suicide. Plus, the Bucs would never hire him; they can't lowball him in arbitration or trade him for several middling mentalist prospects.

In Rich People Have Too Much Money news, a Russian billionaire has commissioned an Australian goldsmith to create a $21,000 golden diamond encrusted vuvuzela. *dusts hands off* God, send the meteors, I think we've clearly bottomed out as a society.

Headline of the day

Pope must not be subjected to vuvuzelas

Although himself an avid football fan, the Most Rev Vincent Nichols, the head of the Roman Catholic Church in England and Wales, is worried that the forthcoming Papal visit could be marred by vuvuzelas.

"I have had enough of them already," says the Archbishop of Westminster. "I hope they stay in South Africa."
...
He is concerned that some people have got into the habit of using the plastic horns during the World Cup in South Africa and might not be able to resist using them when Pope Benedict XVI addresses crowds in Britain.

England, Scotland, Wales... I think you have been charged with a holy mission: subject the Pope to vuvuzelas.

I think I can be certain when I state this: God wants you to do it. No... God NEEDS you to do it.

Imagine.....

"In nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sanct..."

"BRRRRRRRrrrrrrRRRRRRRRRrrrrrRRRRR"

Do it.

Broken News: World Cup plagued by giant insect attacks

Foreground: Diego Forlan runs for his life after his two goals in Uruguay's 3-0 defeat of South Africa attracts the attention of a group of wasps. Background: Giant fucking wasp.

CAPE TOWN-With the World Cup under way, the country has been simultaneously enthralled by the game played at its highest level and perplexed by an annoying series of buzzing noises emanating from the stands. While networks and media outlets have tried to play this off as noise coming from South African spectators, the truth is much more gruesome.

“The giant hornets… THEY RETURN!!!!,” came the screams from the masses outside of Green Point Stadium in Cape Town, pointing to the sky. “Man the horns and attempt to scare them away!”

Yes, over the past week and a half the nation of South Africa has been under attack from giant hornets, wasps, and bees the sizes of small cars.

“We sit in the stands and try to enjoy the world’s greatest sporting event and then… the hornets came,” said one harrowed spectator in the moments after a life or death battle against the eusocial wasps during Germany’s 4-0 victory against Australia. “We tried to fight them off, but they took so many back to their nests. I saw men run through with stingers the size of claymores…. And the game was a blowout as well.”

As of today there have been nearly 20 such instances of insect attacks, with as many as three to four a day expected until the end of group stage play on the 26th. While it is unsure why the hornets, wasps, and bees are attacking, they have been content to wage their battles in the upper decks of stadiums outside of traditional camera coverage but well within the range of microphones.

Only one of the attacks has happened on the lower decks, when a bumblebee the size of a Volkswagen swooped down and carried off Argentinean striker Carlos Tevez during an offensive counter-attack during their 1-0 victory against Nigeria. He is still currently missing and feared dead.

In a World Cup that has been plagued by complaints of almost laughably lax security, experts and spectators have wondered why the nation doesn’t have better defenses against large flying insects.

South African Minister for Sport Joseph Atinge was quick to defend his nation.

“Look, we may have spent most of our budget for this event of roads and stadium construction,” he said from a crouched position, swinging his arms wildly above his head. “So we forgot one or two things. We handed out large plastic horns so that our citizens might either beat the bugs away or attempt to mimic their sounds in the hopes that they will stumble onto a buzzing sounds that will repel the stinging beasts. What else do you want?”

“This is reason one that South Africa should have never been awarded the World Cup,” observed international ESPN soccer analyst Tommy Smith, himself barely recovered from having a stinger ran through his shoulder.

“We wouldn’t give the Cup to Japan for years because of fears of giant, irradiated moths and lizards. So why would be ignore the clear myths and tales surrounding these giant bees? So Africa could have its first World Cup? I’m sure that is of little concession to the thousands of spectators who are now being made into honey.”

Smith is of course referring to the stories of Perdebye, the hornet shaped Goddess of Temperance. Legend has it that she swore to the tribes of the Southern tip of Africa that she would return to cast her judgment on them in times of great frivolity and merriment.

Still, the media has been reluctant to fully tell the full story of what is happening across the country. Instead they have attempted to place blame on the spectators armed with vuvuzelas as a last line of defense and chalking up the noise as a quaint but annoying custom of the nation.

“Ah, this just goes to the general ignorance Americans have towards football,” observed Gary Linaker, a TV presenter for the BBC and former England forward.

“Maybe they’re just confused and think the hornets are part of the festivities or have something to do with why the players are allowed to touch the ball with their hands. I can tell you that getting a stinger in the jugular as a bloody great wasp carries off that lovely couple for Switzerland you were talking to is neither part of football or a South African cultural tradition. Well, not yet anyway.”

Linaker looked like he was about to continue speaking, but large ominous shadows from above and a loud humming sound on the horizon caused those in the surrounding area to seek shelter and affix crudely made body armor to themselves.

In the meantime, the South African Football Association and FIFA have advised that people keep blowing on their vuvuzelas in an attempt to finally crack the sonic code that will send the insects back to their slumber. Meanwhile spokesmen for the players have announced they will start erratically firing errant shots into the upper decks during lulls in the game in an attempt to drive some of the larger bees and wasps away. Spain has already taken the early initiative in that area.

“The blood, the buzzing, the airborne abductions, the fear, the passing…,” said Minister Atinge. “Ahh, the beautiful game.”