Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Broken News: Massive Cleanup Underway at Wind Farm

The horror, the horror...

TAYLOR COUNTY, TX--Recovery crews raced to the scene of potentially the largest environmental disaster in United States history, as an accident at America's largest wind farm has begun spewing thousands of cubic meters of air into the air.

The incident occurred at approximately 4:00 am local time yesterday at the Horse Hollow Wind Energy Center in central Texas. With 421 wind turbines and an estimated capacity of 735 megawatts, Horse Hollow is by far the largest such installation in the United States.

State officials were quick to call for federal aid. Texas governor Rick Perry convened an emergency press conference and described the wind farm spill as, "the most troubling man-made disaster to beset the Lone Star State since we got rid of all the Mexicans."

President Obama immediately dispatched teams from the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration and the EPA to the site of the accident. While NOAA scientists have only just begun their analysis, initial testing suggests the foul gaseous mixture spilling into the atmosphere consists of approximately 78% Nitrogen and 20% Oxygen, with trace amounts of Argon, Carbon Dioxide, Neon, Helium, and Hydrogen.

"While we do not yet know the totality of the threat posed by this unfortunate accident, we are taking every step to ensure speedy identification of the substance so that proper countermeasures can be initiated," said NOAA spokesperson Elizabeth McDonald.

Early estimates have tracking an enormous amount of air spilling into roughly 60% of the Lone Star State, with dramatic gale-force squalls rolling into Oklahoma's notoriously un-wind-swept plains. Some analysts have predicted that soon the air leaking out from this environmental calamity will cover most of the Midwest. However, states as far north as Maine are already reporting trace gusts of air in the air.

Pundits were quick to pounce on the incident as proof of the dangers of alternative energy.

"This is just the latest failure of this administration's radical liberal environmentalist agenda. How much longer are we, as Americans, going to permit these immense radical international renewable energy conglomerates to defile our great country? This, my friends, is Obama's Katrina," said prominent conservative figure and
noted animal lover, Glenn Beck, on his nationally syndicated radio show.

"Not that the previous administration did anything wrong during Katrina," Beck added. "Those people should have known better than to rely on the federal government."

Damage to flora and fauna has been minimal thus far, resulting in only a few toppled trees and uprooted shrubs, airborne prairie dogs, and several species of bird which had their feathers comically poofed out by the prevailing winds. Early reports of a nun careening through the skies remain unverified.

For its part, NextEra Energy Resources, which operates the Horse Hollow installation, has promised to pay the clean-up costs associated with this massive operation.

Rupert Evanston, the CEO of NextEra, announced at a hastily assembled press conference that his company will be heavily involved in the cleanup effort.

"It is indeed our responsibility to deal with this, and we are dealing with it," said Evans, yelling over the howling gusts. "We will absolutely be paying for the cleanup operation. There is no doubt about that. It's our responsibility -- we accept it fully."

Already NextEra has begun passing out large mason jars and balloons to collect all the extra air being spewed into the atmosphere, as well as free windbreakers to those victims nearest to the spill.

President Obama is expected to travel to Texas later this week to observe the damage personally. Additionally, he has ordered thorough inspections of all domestic hydropower and solar plants in order to prevent a similar incident that might release water into the mixture of oil and water we now call water, or light into the light.

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