Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Broken News: BP Exhausts Giving-a-Shit Reserves

NEW ORLEANS—Facing increasing public scrutiny, righteous indignation, and calls for the government to take the lead in the aftermath of the Gulf oil spill, today executives from British Petroleum announced that they would no longer squander resources by pretending to care about this crisis, much less what people think.

“After much soul searching and consultation with our legal counsel in the time since this unfortunate event that was in no way our fault, we feel that legally there’s not a goddamn thing you can do about it,” announced BP CEO Tony Heyward, whilst lazily cycling through sports scores on his Blackberry and gesticulating his hand back and forth in front of his crotch.

“You can’t really make us care or even feign concern. Hell, the funny thing is that the bad PR, the cost of this lost oil, and the ‘clean-up’ we’re ‘attempting’ barely even makes a dent in our bottom line. So we aren’t even going to bother wasting money on it. Just pump it back into the company and give us some nice bonuses,” Heyward said, stifling an intense yawn.

“We just don’t give a damn. Don’t know why we even bothered to schedule this press conference to tell you….” He finished, slowly nodding off into sleep, before he was shaken awake by a colleague and they exited.

As the assembled press shouted questions at the BP leadership, the group of executives and board members just laughed, flipped numerous birds to the media, and then went outside to compare the different deluxe packages each had gotten on their Bentleys. When the media followed them out into the parking lot, the executives proceeded to talk loudly about expensive things they were going to buy, before motioning to security to have the press doused in oil and then removed.

Following this display the Obama Administration announced that it was very disappointed in BP and that several more of these types of actions would result in them seriously considering possibly having the federal government take over clean-up and leak plugging duties.

Spokesman for the oil conglomerate said they could barely be bothered to care.

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