Thursday, May 20, 2010

Broken News: Rand Paul Unwilling to Articulate Alternative to Waffles

FRANKFORT, KY--Two days after trouncing Kentucky Secretary of State Trey Grayson in the state's Republican Senate primary, upstart conservative candidate Rand Paul has begun to lay the policy framework for this November's election.

"My victory in this primary sends a message, loud and clear, to the breakfast establishment. No more will the American people tolerate batter or dough-based cakes cooked in a waffle iron to give a distinctive shape," said Paul at a press conference held outside his offices in Bowling Green, Kentucky.

When asked by one journalist if he was advocating wider ingestion of alternative breakfast foods such as cereal, pancakes, or perhaps an omelette, Paul grew visibly irritated.

"I'm sure the liberal media would love to paint me as an omelette advocate," sneered Paul. "But this is not about carefully considered logical alternatives to a dominant institution. This is not about building consensus around new and better ideas. This is about cantankerous politicking fueled by a vague, largely irrational opposition to an abstract idea. That is why the good people of Kentucky nominated me and that is why, come November, they will send me to Washington."

Of course this answer led to the question of whether this was part of a broader attack on the institution of breakfast itself.

"Look," Rand said, pausing to mark his place in the Fountainhead with his objectivist boner. "I'm not against the concept of breakfast; I've had breakfast many times before. I'm just against the government decreeing, with their oppressive food pyramids, that the morning shall be the time for these Belgian cakes and raisined brans. The hard part of freedom is allowing people to eat a grilled Reuben the second they wake up, not advising that they partake in eating a muffin or grapefruit wedge."

Rand closed by stating that he was not being an "self-absorbed, up-his-own-ass, navel gazing prick" about this to a disbelieving audience, before congratulating himself for his bravery in speaking out for his beliefs.

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