Broken in Brief: Hundreds of Delicious Sea Turtles Wash up on Gulf Coast Shores

One of the suffering, poor, mouth-watering creatures

GALVESTON—As the Gulf Coast reels from one of the largest oil spills in US history, the ecological toll on this fragile region is beginning to show. In the last few days numerous dying, oil-slicked animals, most notably fish and sea turtles, have been washing up along the coast. But true to the caring spirit of local citizens, groups have been organized to help handle these beleaguered creatures.

“My God, the desolation of these poor sea turtles. These poor, delicious, delicious sea turtles,” said Harold Watkins, President of the local Galveston Gourmands Club and leader of the local rescue efforts.

“My heart goes out to the struggling animals,” he said, belching. “Pardon my manners, I’m not used to talking to the press. Those, poor… tender… succulent… Excuse me, I’ll be with you in a moment, the shallots were just delivered.”

As to what measures the group was taking to clean and help the animals, several participants noted that they were running them under the tap for a quick rinse, followed by a cleansing dip in a white wine and herb marinade, followed by a slow braising for two-to-three hours.

When pressed to explain how these unconventional methods might benefit the surviving turtles, a spokesperson for the group dabbed at her eyes and the corners of her mouth with a napkin before explaining that they had yet to find a surviving turtle.

With that sad reminder of the toll this spill is causing, Watkins vowed that his club would stay until every last turtle had been properly and humanely disposed of, or until they were full.

“Tragic though this might be, we will be there every time rare and endangered animals are menaced by environmental catastrophes that conveniently distract Fish and Wildlife oversight,” Watkins declared as he let his belt out a notch and patted his stomach. “I can only hope that one day our vital rescue services are required on a panda reserve.”