Broken In Brief: FDIC refuses to insure FDIC

WASHINGTON--With its reserves at a mere $10.4 billion as of August 1, down from $42.5 billion one year ago, the Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation announced today that, were it pressed, the institution would not insure itself.

"Come on, would you back us?" said Chairwoman Sheila C. Blair at a morning press conference. "US Banks lost almost $4 billion in the second quarter alone. Sure, stocks are up a bit, but the revenue they're generating? Yep, we'd be crazy to."

Investors were mostly confounded by the announcement, given that it came from the head of the organization designed to guarantee the safety of deposits in the country's banks.

"I wouldn't insure us either, now that America is mostly back to stuffing spare nickels into coffee cans in the backyard," Asked Vikram Pandit, CEO of Citibank, America's largest and least culpable banking institution. "How are we supposed to levy a service charge on that?"

In the wake of Blair's announcement investors, namely China, Saudi Arabia, and The Ferengi Alliance, flocked to their respective podiums to declare their willingness to immediately and without most conditions, to insure the FDIC.

As for the future of American banking and the economy, Blair had one suggestion, "Don't think about it. That's how the American economy works now: we put our heads down, ignore the problems, and hope everything works out by magic. This won't be a problem unless everyone focuses on it."