Fasten your seat belts

Never one to bypass taking a swipe at other people's imaginary friends gods, I'm compelled to present the Rapture Index, a comprehensive list of all activities that are propelling us toward The End Times.

To their credit, the parties responsible for the index admit it "is by no means meant to predict the rapture, however, the index is designed to measure the type of activity that could act as a precursor to the rapture."

Once you get beyond the base absurdity this thing is kind of fun. But only if you're willing to ponder the rubric a little. For instance, "False Christs" currently rates a 3 (of 5) on the following merits:

A gentleman in Florida has made news by claiming to be Christ.

You can see how seriously these people take their scripture when all it takes is some crazed dipshit in Florida -- the species is endemic to the region -- claiming he's the King of Kings to wratchet up the doomsday clock another notch. Not to trouble anyone, but a google news search for "man claims to be jesus" yielded 336 results (and a picture of Madonna beneath one of Jim Caviezel). Might want to bump this category up to a 5.

At any rate, the most recent update has good news and bad. The bad? The index currently stands at 161, placing cleanly in "Fasten your seat belts," the highest level and that most likely to result in most of you being left behind once the righteous ascend.

The good news? It's a fucking rapture index and, like those who believe in this horseshit, should only be consulted when looking to make mean-spirited and very necessary jokes.