Broken News: Boxer massacred during ‘in fight’ Twitter posting

LAS VEGAS—Boxer Ignacio “Boom Boom” Perez is recovering in a local hospital after suffering what ringside doctors termed “a severe and merciless beating” in his WBC-sanctioned 8th round knockout loss against #7 ranked Mickey Finnegan last night. The Dominican welterweight left himself open to the final barrage of blows that put him in the emergency room when it appeared his mid-round update to his Twitter feed distracted him from the advance of his opponent and his two-handed typing style rendered him unable to block the blows or counter punch.

“It was brutal,” noted Perez’s corner man and trainer Danny Lombardi. “We’re out there telling him to counterattack ‘cause we really needed to pick up some rounds if this goes to the judges. Suddenly he pulls his Blackberry out and tells us he’s gotta keep his followers updated on the fight and starts tapping away. Finnegan was a little perplexed there for a minute, but when his corner told him that Boom Boom was talking shit on Mickey on his feed, that Mick went to town.”

“Of course it didn’t help that Iggy was telegraphing his moves on Twitter and Finnegan’s corner was relaying the messages into him. ‘Gonna feint left then come in with the right uppercut.’ Stuff like that. Then he just decided to start hitting him when he was typing,” Lombardi sighed. “All the prep we went through: weights, running, sparring. It turns out we should have spent more time getting him to learn to type without having to look at the keypad.”

The trend of athletes using Twitter or blogs is nothing new, with many top athletes from Shaquille O’Neal to Gilbert Arenas communicating with their fans in this manner. But that trend has only moved into “of the moment” coverage in the last few weeks. It began with Charlie Villanueva, a forward for the Milwaukee Bucks, Twittering the halftime speech of his coach during a March 15th contest against the Celtics, but has grown to include sprinter Usain Bolt, who liveblogged his 200m victory this weekend at the Tokyo Track Championships, and Red Sox first baseman Kevin Youkilis, who blogged about the Fed’s new monetary policy from the on-deck circle of a Spring Training game against the Orioles.

Perez, nicknamed the People’s Champion because of the close level of contact he kept with his fans through blogging, e-mail, online chats, and public appearances, had only recently joined Twitter, but became quickly enamored with its potential to keep his fans updated on his daily goings on and to help build the Perez brand.

“Yeah with boxing kind of going in the shitter over the past decade, you really need to start thinking outside the box,” remarked business manager and friend Tony Grant. “He hadn’t hit that level where random weigh-in fights, rape trials, and reality shows were going to get him that recognition so he decided to build his brand through incessant, meaningless communication with his fans. Unfortunately he’s also slightly retarded. Either the blows piled up over the years or he’s just not very smart in the first place. Yes new media is exciting, but there’s a time and place for it. The middle of a fight probably isn’t it.”

Sources close to the pugilist hope that this is a lesson learned, that Mr. Perez will keep his blogging and Twittering confined to the pre and post match periods as well as only in between rounds. These same sources note that they don’t have high hopes for the lesson sticking, noting that as of this morning Perez had started a Tumblelog, Twittered about his hospital breakfast and the attractiveness of his nurses, updated his Facebook status to “Ignacio Perez feels like his head got fucked by a Mack truck”, and had de-friended Mr. Finnegan.