Broken In Brief: Man wishes jerk would ‘unkindly fuck himself’

TUCSON—Motorists massed on Interstate 10 today to hear local motorist Dan Upshall announce that the “…asshole in the tan Datsun that just cut me off” could take the physiologically baffling step of unkindly fucking himself. The thick layers of thoughtfulness and sarcasm commonly associated with ‘kindly fuck yourself’ were reportedly stripped from the phrase due to the traffic infraction that resulted in Mr. Upshall's caramel mochachino landing squarely in his lap.

Sources close to the incident say this unnamed asshole, careening across lanes in a reckless attempt to merge, refused even the most basic gesture of recognition of his social breach. After this failure to recognize his faux pas, Mr. Upshall offered forth two fingers worth of rude gestures and used his horn to signal to society that he had been egregiously put upon and oppressed by another inconsiderate motorist.

Observers report that Mr. Upshall hopes that by combining these gestures together with the increased vulgarization of his insult that he has bestowed the mantle of ‘automotive pariah’ onto the driver of the tan Datsun in the eyes of surrounding motorists, somehow gaining a measure of restitution for his spilled beverage and ruined slacks. Drivers close to the unnamed man noted an almost faint change in his aura and a glint of recognition in his eyes, as if it had already dawned on him that the way fellow citizens would now view him had imperceptibly changed.

When confronted with the fact that his reaction to being cut off had now doomed this man to a lifetime of ostracization, therapy, and yearning for redemption in society’s eyes, Mr. Upshall was heard to remark “Serves him right. That was a $7 dollar coffee!”