Tuesday, March 3, 2009
MCLEAN, VIRGINIA--Former House Majority Leader, Minority Whip, and hypocritical adulterer New Gingrich is apparently distraught over the conspicuous flirtation between RNC Chairman Michael Steele and corpulent conservative talk radio shitslinger Rush Limbaugh.
Aides close to Gingrich disclosed that he has not left the study of his north Virginia mansion since the publicly amorous tête-à-tête between Steele and Limbaugh began Saturday. The Republican icon of reform and author of 1994's quickly violated "Contract with America" is reportedly holed up with season 3-6 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, a ball gag, and an allegedly limitless supply of Ben & Jerry's New York Super Fudge Chunk Ice Cream which he will massage into his body.
"Mr. Gingrich is genuinely hurt." Explained friend and longtime advisor, Kyle Applebottom. "For the longest time now, it's been the 'Newt and Rush Show.' They killed nationalized health care together, ended 40 years of Democratic congressional dominance together, demonized a philandering president together while having their own affairs together... wait, that didn't come out right."
The trouble in GOParadise began this past Saturday when Steele asserted that he, not Limbaugh, was the de facto leader of the Republican Party. Steele then went on to call Limbaugh a "Big, bad meanie who smells like cigar smoke and scotch anytime after 7 PM."
Limbaugh was quick to respond on his nationally syndicated program Monday, calling Steele a "Slack-jawed little priss that needs to learn who butters his fluffy, oven-baked, scrumptious country-style biscuits."
Sources close to Gingrich suggest that this might have been the end of it, had Steele not phoned Limbaugh later in the day to personally apologize, saying, "Sometimes I just, I just get so intense. I've got all this pressure on me and sometimes, Rush, your passion frightens me."
It was apparently this very exchange, a spirited early indicator of Republican mating intent not unlike two dogs sniffing each other's asses, that sent Gingrich into seclusion in the east wing.
"He's threatened," sighed Applebottom. "As much as Mr. Gingrich has accomplished -- and he has accomplished a great deal, more than anyone ever might have thought possible -- he still feels insecure about competing with this upstart for Mr. Limbaugh's affections."
Applebottom continued, "How would you take it if one of your oldest brothers-in-arms started trading barbs with some neophyte, um, one of those? That Steele and his tacky 'bling-bling' and 'off the hook' and 'hippity hoppiness.' It just isn't fair! Plus Newtie is really worried about that whole 'Once you go black..' stereotype. He'd ask if it's true, but Steele is the only black guy in the party that anyone could ask. That and no one in the party has had any meaningful contact with a black person outside the party since Strom Thurmond abandoned his mulatto love child."
Some of Gingrich's inner circle have noted that the main thing frustrating Newt is that he was finally set to make his move to secure their union at last week's CPAC conference when this flirtation session broke out.
"He was ready to show Mr. Limbaugh who the real boss of the Republican party was: Rush," stated one adviser on condition of anonymity. "He had bought a rape stand at Michael Vick's estate sale and had been preparing to offer his pasty flesh up to Rush in a horrible sexual tribute, not unlike a female elephant offers herself up to a bull elephant, the beloved symbol of our party. Then after copulation, Newt figured they would lay on some hay in the barn and think of things to name after Reagan, come up with some really petulant stunts for Mitch McConnell to pull in the Senate, and then Twitter conspiracy theories about President Obama's parentage. It would have been the new dawn of Republican leadership."
"Now," the anonymous advisor sighed. "It looks like that dream will die."
Sources close to the former speaker say he has decided to focus his energies on one last-ditch effort at a Niagara Falls rendezvous for leadership meetings, strategy sessions, and sensual massages with scented oils.
As for Mr. Steele, he is expected to make an appearance on Mr. Limbaugh's nationally broadcast radio show to further debase himself and prove to the leader of the Republican party that he is willing and able to submit to the overbearing, strong will of the pill-addled divorcee simply known to his conquests as 'El Rushbo'. If all goes well, Mr. Steele hopes to be taking orders from Rush full-time by early April.