Broken In Brief: Search continues for Jim Cramer's testicles

NEW YORK--Less than a week after being reduced to a transparently inept, sniveling apologist by a man whose film credits include the Enhancement Smoker in "Half Baked", bestselling author and host of CNBC's "Mad Money," Jim Cramer, is still frantically searching for his testicles.

Police seem to think that Cramer was separated from his manhood at approximately 5:15 pm on Thursday, March 12, during the taping of an extended segment in which "The Daily Show" host Jon Stewart excoriated Cramer and his network for, among other things, failing to see the economic collapse on the horizon, acting as the public relations arm of the financial industry, and generally being wrong most of the time.

"The odd thing about the patient is that there is absolutely no evidence of physical trauma," noted Dr. Raymond Friedberg, a trauma surgeon at New York Presbyterian Hospital. "Beyond elevated blood and increased colon elasticity common amongst professional liars who are embarrassed on national television, Mr. Cramer is a picture of health."

In a press conference held earlier today, Jeff Zucker, the Chief Executive of NBC Universal, reassured Cramer's six remaining fans. "The search continues for Mr. Cramer's baby batter sacs. We at NBC are committed to the health and well-being of our employees and we will not rest until Mr. Cramer's berries are back beneath the twig where they belong."

Speaking on condition of anonymity, a source close to the investigation revealed that NBC Universal is urging police to obtain a search warrant for Mr. Stewart's New York City apartment, where Cramer's testicles are believed to be displayed in an ornate glass jar atop the fireplace mantle, next to those of Tucker Carlson and Rick Santelli.