Planet of the apes: on schedule

Zoo chimp 'planned' stone attacks

A male chimpanzee in a Swedish zoo planned hundreds of stone-throwing attacks on zoo visitors, according to researchers.

Keepers at Furuvik Zoo found that the chimp collected and stored stones that he would later use as missiles.

Further, the chimp learned to recognise how and when parts of his concrete enclosure could be pulled apart to fashion further projectiles.
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"We've done experimental studies, and the chimps in my mind show very clearly that they do plan for future needs, but it has been argued that perhaps this was an experimental artefact," Dr Osvath told BBC News.

"Now we have this spontaneous behaviour, which is always in some sense better evidence."

Yes, better evidence that apes will soon attack and overthrow us, provided our economic and societal conditions inch closer to their own. Their damn dirty hands will be all over us, putting us in nets, hiding secrets about destroyed landmarks, and giving us futuristic names like Nova while we worship unexploded nuclear bombs. See what we've been saying people? First coordinated Islamofowlist geese and bird attacks. Now a string of chimp attacks combined with scientific evidence that they can plan and prepare and plot and scheme and overthrow.

Furthermore this ape, named Santino or "Destructor" in ape language, collected these rocks while he was in a calm state, preparing his attacks for when he would be driven mad later in the day by the hooting and hollering of Swedes pointing out his nudity and lack of a colored ass. How messed up is that? The ape walked around thinking "Yeah I might be calm now, but later when these hairless baboons start gawking at me I'm just going to lose my shit. Better pile up these stones to hurl at their blonde heads. Soon I will be in control. Soon I will do the gawking at them in their cages. I AM SANTINO!"

Just one more thing to worry about. After our economic collapse not only will you have to worry about basic subsistence, you'll have to worry about coordinated bird and chimp attacks. Possibly separate, but maybe one day you see a lemur on the back of a swan. That, my friend, is when we know our run is over.