Broken In Brief: AIG to Congress: Fuckin' do somethin'

NEW YORK--Despite increased pressure by legislators and the American public, the American International Group responded to criticism of its use of taxpayer-funded bailout funds by saying, "You don't like it? Fuckin' do somethin'."

These comments come as the insurance giant was ordered to disclose beneficiaries of the approximately $170 billion given the company through multiple Federal Reserve rescue loans over the past 9 months. Public outcry grew even further over the weekend when several newspapers reported that, despite the rank incompetence shown by its leaders, the company had elected to dole out $165 million in bonuses to the same executive group that ran the entire shitshow straight into the ground.

"Look, we think your moral indignation is cute and all but, seriously, what do you intend to do about this?" Said company spokesperson Bradley VanGuffen. "If we can talk the American government into owning 80% of this company, yet retain virtually all control over its day-to-day operations, do you really think we're in a position that might lead any of us to give two tugs of a dead dog's cock about what you think? Understand, kids, that when we refer to you all as 'peons,' we mean it."

The government-appointed Chairman of AIG, Edward M. Liddy, was unavailable for comment. Sources close to the former Goldman Sachs board member claim he was too busy stifling laughter to approach a microphone.