The analysis, compiled over five months and featuring the combined analytical weight of over 40 top scientists, engineers, economists, retired officials, and celebrities who pretend to care about issues, argues that America was always going to come to some grim end and that this relatively slow-moving financial crisis gives us all a chance to walk away from our country with the least potential collateral damage to human society.
Excerpt from the study's conclusion reveal a sobering, yet somehow lighthearted and encouraging assessment:
In respect to the alarming figures shown in section 47-11a and the projections in section 7B-1137, it is the considered opinion of this commission that the citizens of the United States should recognize that the weakened state of their economy and moral/ethical standing in the world has provided them with the ideal opportunity to disband.The report ended with a cryptic and ghoulish, “You’re going to fail and take us all with you. Get out now before you devour us all.”
The US was always going to collapse under its own weight and we feel that by deciding to disband voluntarily instead of being torn apart by economics, racial strife, government conspiracy, Mexican invasion, or any number of scenarios involving genetically modified dinosaurs, robots, aliens, or clone armies resulting in complete economical and societal collapse will not only benefit the well being, health, and survival rates of the citizens of the United States, but will also negate any danger of said conflicts and collapse affecting the surrounding globe.
While no concrete plan was given for the dispersal of the world’s only superpower into the wind, several suggestions have been floated. One proposal called for America to be broken up into anywhere from 7 to 243 separate countries, grand duchies, fiefdoms, and anarcho-syndicalist communes with a promise never to reform. While others suggested America’s land be divided between Canada and Mexico while citizens were given a choice to join any other country in the world where they would be given new identities and new regionally appropriate surnames.
“Look, we’re just looking out for the planet as a whole,” remarked Dr. John LaFleur, statistician and Chief Overlord of Harsh Numbers and Unflinching Realities on the commission, at a press conference following the release of the report. “If the United States as a whole is dragged down by this economic mess, or really by the hundreds of other potential messes they will inevitably create, it will bring down the UK, Germany, China, Russia, and spread to the rest of the world. At the very least the US needs to be broken into more manageable pieces.”
“Look at Iceland,” he continued, motioning his hand with the derogatory ‘wank-off’ gesture. “They’re using seashells and old Viking tales as currency now and that’s just from the beginnings of this economic crisis. God help the rest of us if this gets worse."
"Now what would happen if, say, the new, smaller economy of the Islamic Republic of Montana went in the toilet, or the Commonwealth of Pennsyltucky was hit by a meteor, or people stopped believing in Narniabama? Less global calamity. Smaller stakes, smaller consequences. It wouldn't fuck with my shit over in Switzerland, that’s for sure.”
He ended screaming “We don’t all have to be taken down with you!!!!!”
Other committee members present were quick to voice their support, noting that if America was to take this opportunity to sacrifice their nationhood now that it would dramatically reduce the number to die of starvation, radiation, exposure, civil war, fascist rule or whatever things would almost certainly occur if America chose to let the passage of time decide its fate.
“Just think, there’d be no awkward situation where you had to face down your brother on a battlefield because you took opposing sides in the civil war,” observed Tomas von Gelt, a committee member and Oxford professor specializing in grimly ironic, personally emotional wartime conflicts. “Plus you would also reduce the number of children whose deaths you had to avenge against the multitude of different splinter groups that caused them. Time-wise it makes sense. Just think about it.”
The commission hopes that America will look at the report, listen to their considered words, digest its limited options, decide to listen to reason and do the responsible thing. The UN has dangled the possibility of a swank farewell party for the country if America decides to end itself on its own terms and provided the country survives until the date of the party.
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