Broken In Brief: World’s creditors hire mob muscle, demand payment of American debts

ZURICH—Today the creditors, financial institutions and foreign governments of the world, spurred on by the recent economic crisis, demanded that the United States pay it’s nearly $6.5 trillion dollars in outstanding public debt. To show the seriousness of their demands, the consortium announced that they had hired mob muscle to collect the debt and had told them to do so by “any means necessary.”

“It’s time to pay up,” said Heinrich Gellar, spokesman for the group. “The world is tired of funding your continued excesses and we need to start looking out for our own bottom line. We have instructed out friends in the… extra-legal services department... that they are to use whatever methods they can devise to get our money from the collection of destitute gold-brickin' deadbeats you call a 'nation.'”

Already there were reports of bookies and bag men busting up the Washington Monument, but spokesman for the street toughs said it had all been a misunderstanding and that a few of their associates had just gotten clumsy, tripped, and accidentally knocked the beloved structure over. New York made early reports of its storefront windows being broken and there are unconfirmed reports about Wisconsin having its head put in a vise. President Obama and Treasury Secretary Geithner were quick to point out that the country has gone through a bit of a run of bad luck and that if they could just cut them some slack the US would "totally pay them Tuesday and shit." In a press conference to the assembled media, Geithner made several vague allusions to a tip on a horse he had been given.

The mobsters were quick to respond, throwing Georgia out of a moving car and slowly pushing sewing needles underneath Colorado's fingernails. Representatives for the mobsters said that if America didn’t have the money by next week that, “maybe California ain’t gonna look so pretty no more.” Insiders within the White House are quietly hoping Geithner’s bet on the ponies will work out, otherwise Nevada might be forced to trade sexual favors for another extension.

Nobody was even willing to think about what might happen to Ohio, though one mob peon, speaking on condition of fucking anonymity, shrugged and said, "like anyone would notice."