Broken News: Some bitch just got told and shit

THE SUBURBS—Shocking news and shit from the mall as sources close to some motherfuckers who saw it all go down say that some bitch definitely got told raw dog style in front of a whole bunch of fuckin’ people.

These motherfuckers say that this bitch was actin’ all high and mighty and shit to this other bitch so this second bitch was all like, “Oh no you didn’t” and totally told that first bitch what the fuck was fuckin’ what. Early reports have people saying it was totally off the fuckin’ hook and shit and it was like the greatest fuckin’ thing they ever seen in their whole fuckin’ lives.

“Yeah so this one bitch was getting’ all up in everyone’s face talkin’ about ‘how they ain’t shit’ and shit,” says Erica Patterson, a nosy sophomore bitch from the West River High… YOU MOTHERFUCKERS AIN’T SHIT!

“So this other bitch is all like ‘Nuh-uh, you trashy ass bitch. You the one who ain’t shit!’ And then this second bitch told this other bitch just who was runnin’ this shit. It was the illest shit I ever saw go down in front of a mall food court Sbarro’s. Needless to say there was motherfuckin’ pepperoni and red hot pepper flakes all over these bitches after the shit went down.”

All in all it was some awesome ass shit for people to fuckin’ see while they were trying to chow down before they went over to the fuckin’ Hot Topic to get their asses a fuckin’ Team Jacob shirt. Y’heard?

But some whining ass motherfuckers think this shit ain’t fuckin’ cool and they want to piss and moan and bitch like some bitches about this shit. Fuck ‘em and their motherfuckin’ doctorates. Fuckin' letters after their name and shit.

“This is just part of an alarming trend we’re seeing all over the the suburban outskirts of this city as estimates predict that, by the end of the year, nearly 65% of bitches will have been told,” observed some smarty art motherfucker named Dr. Garret Yates from a college or university or some shit.

“In fact we’re not only seeing more bitches getting told, but a rise in motherfuckers getting told, shit going down, shit getting real, shit blowing up, and all manner of shit getting off the chain. If early estimates and projections are accurate, nearly one fourth of all mall, movie theater, bar, and chain restaurant visitors will have witnessed shit going down, with nearly one third of those suffering collateral damage from some bitch, skank, motherfucker, or group of motherfuckers getting told.”

But this egghead fuck with his numbers and calculators and computrons with the numbers that he loves so much he oughtta fuckin’ marry them, isn’t the only complaining bitch that doesn’t think this shit is amazing.

“Yo, check this,” said bitch ass bitch Tony Garibaldi, this senior motherfucker from my high school who thinks his shit don’t stink. “It’s getting’ so you a man can’t take his girl out to see the Alvin and the Chipmunks Squeakquel or out to rent Meet the Spartans without a high chance of shit gettin’ real. God fuckin’ forbid you try to go out for a nice meal at TGI Friday’s and get some Jack Daniels Chicken Bacon Ranch Poppers without some bitch comin’ up and tellin’ your girl about how you tried to bang her after the Sadie Hawkins dance.”

“Fuck man, people just need to chill the fuck out,” this bitch moaned.

While some think shit needs to stop gettin’ so damn real while others believe there needs to be “less lame white high school motherfuckers everywhere ruining shit for everyone else”, none are disputing how fucking cool it was when that trick-ass bitch got told.

“No man,” backtracked that bitch Dr. Yates. “I totally heard that bitch needed to be told. That shit was completely… ill? Is that the word I’m looking for? I just think we need to distinguish from when a bitch really needs to be told, as was evidently the case here, and whether all bitches everywhere need to be constantly told, which seems to be the case now. It’s a question of restraint and proper resource distribution.”

Whatever. Sources still report that shit was off the hook and that bitch reportedly still can’t believe she got told.

Everything turns up roses for Diamond J

The big political news of the last day or so has been the news that Democratic Connecticut Senator Chris Dodd will not run for re-election in 2010. All just because he was deeply unpopular and likely to lose to nearly every challenger running in the Republican primary. In his stead will run Connecticut Attorney General Richard Blumenthal, who crushes every Republican challenger in polls. I think this marks the first time in decades where a politician looked at his own electoral prospects, soberly analyzed them, and decided that it was better for the party if someone else ran. I don't know about you, but I think Sen. Dodd needs to be checked for some sort of brain parasite or debilitating neurological disorder. That doesn't sound like typical Senate behavior.

But I'm not interested in all of that. What I am interested in is how, yet again, circumstances have conspired to benefit Joe Lieberman. Let Talking Points Memo explain:

Blumenthal was sure to run against him [in 2012]. And if he did I can't see where there's any way Blumenthal would not have crushed him. As we can see from today's numbers, Blumenthal is very popular with Connecticut Democrats. And since he's polling around 60%, he's popular with a lot of independents too. So he would have taken the Democratic nomination (see this poll to see why that is beyond Lieberman's reach now) and eviscerated Joe in the general.

Now? Well Joe's looking better and better for re-election in 2012. Oh, it's still a long shot, but seeing as how everything always seems to work to his benefit, I'm sure Ned Lamont and several other Democratic challengers will fall dead of heart attacks in the run-up to a primary. Why is that, God? Huh? Must you continue to punish us?

If a meteor struck this earth I can guarantee you the only remaining survivors in North America would be Lieberman and every Victoria's Secret model, who had just happened to Connecticut on their yearly Silk Thong Tour when the sky rained fire rocks. So just a word of warning to your bile sacs and rage centers of your brain, I don't know what will happen over the next few years, but it will almost certainly work out to the benefit of Holy Joe. That's apparently the guiding principal of how the universe works now. Just a heads up.

Quote of the day

Bushie, on just being a normal dude again:

“I no longer feel that great sense of responsibility that I had when I was in the Oval Office,” he said. “And frankly, it’s a liberating feeling.”

Trust us Mr. Former President, it's a liberating feeling for all of us knowing that you aren't President anymore. Frankly it's all that got us through those jobless, homeless winter months.

But lest his idyllic retirement life in million dollar mansions, free from prosecution, and even a basic realization of all that he did to this country is too much for you to bear, know this: he is handling dog shit on a daily basis. There is that smal recompense.

It was the first time Barney had ever been in an ordinary neighborhood, and Bush had to stop when the dog took liberties with a neighbor’s yard.

“And there I was, former President of the United States of America, with a plastic bag on my hand,” he recalled. “Life is returning back to normal.”

It's a shame they don't have a Great Dane.

Broken In Brief: AIG to Congress: Fuckin' do somethin'

NEW YORK--Despite increased pressure by legislators and the American public, the American International Group responded to criticism of its use of taxpayer-funded bailout funds by saying, "You don't like it? Fuckin' do somethin'."

These comments come as the insurance giant was ordered to disclose beneficiaries of the approximately $170 billion given the company through multiple Federal Reserve rescue loans over the past 9 months. Public outcry grew even further over the weekend when several newspapers reported that, despite the rank incompetence shown by its leaders, the company had elected to dole out $165 million in bonuses to the same executive group that ran the entire shitshow straight into the ground.

"Look, we think your moral indignation is cute and all but, seriously, what do you intend to do about this?" Said company spokesperson Bradley VanGuffen. "If we can talk the American government into owning 80% of this company, yet retain virtually all control over its day-to-day operations, do you really think we're in a position that might lead any of us to give two tugs of a dead dog's cock about what you think? Understand, kids, that when we refer to you all as 'peons,' we mean it."

The government-appointed Chairman of AIG, Edward M. Liddy, was unavailable for comment. Sources close to the former Goldman Sachs board member claim he was too busy stifling laughter to approach a microphone.

The Independent shits on your soy burger

The Independent today has come out with what it says is a list of some of the inconsistencies, misrepresentations, wrong ideas, and hard choices one has to make within the 'green' movement and the move towards greener living. Among the things discussed are the relatively lower yield of growing organic and higher carbon footprints of farming, genetically modified fruits and vegetables holding the key to dropping that footprint, the fact that when the building of a Prius and the materials used is taken into account it isn't very green, or that a diesel can out-mileage a Prius in real world conditions, the need for nuclear power, that it might be better to cut down older trees to replace them with newer trees with a higher C02 absorption, and the need to kill cute animals.

You may not have come across the Bewick's swan. The smallest swan found in Britain, it reaches our shores from its Siberian breeding grounds in October and, along with 65,000 other water birds, it splashes down in the wetlands of the Severn Estuary. It is, without doubt, very cute.

But soon, it will have to find somewhere else to feed. In a few years' time, hundreds of lorries and cranes are set to sling 10 miles of steel and concrete across the most beautiful and ecologically diverse of estuaries, flooding the swans' habitat. Could anything be more of an affront to the eco-minded? The call would seem to be as clear as they come: save the swans, say no to construction.

But it isn't that simple. All that steel and concrete will become the Severn Barrage which, by harnessing the tides, would provide 5 per cent of Britain's electricity, with no nasty carbon emissions. So, which to choose: clean electricity, or the protection of birds and beasts?

Fuck the swan, it's just a more radicalized version of it's Islamofowlist, plane crashing brethren: the goose. But the Independent does correctly identify some of the juxtapositions and choice that have to be made. Of course they also lean on bullshit like clean coal, which still involves pumping CO2 down into the ground and hoping for the best or compressing it into containers and burying them, and the paper doesn't see the benefit of carbon offsets funding green research and technology. They also say that when the Nazi's come for us at the train station we're going to have to choose whether to let them take Al Gore or Bono.......and I don't think I'm ready to make that choice.

But all in all a fine way to make you feel bad about trying to do good.

Picture of the (yester)day

"Yeah, could you do me a favor and have some desk stuff sent in? I don't know, stuff. Stacks of files, a picture of Michelle and the kids, maybe one of those tiny samurai swords? Unlike the last guy, I'm too busy doing shit to, you know, worry about whether or not my cluttered desk implies I am doing shit. Thanks. Oh, and one more thing. Can we get Rahm a stool or something? He's been leaning against the right side of my desk with a loaded shotgun for hours now and I think his knees are starting to buckle."