Prison 101

Those Madoff relatives are forward thinking people. Well, except for the whole "future consequences of running a multi-billion dollar pyramid scheme" thing. Flush with money, status, and opportunities a life their uncle spent stealing provided, they've decided to prepare for their future. Not by covering Uncle Bernie's legal debts, paying back all the money they've thieved, apologizing, expressing any shred of remorse, or putting a pillow over Bernie's face and watching his legs slowly stop twitching, they've decided to enroll together in a prison refresher course.

Bernard Madoff's niece and another relative -- worried they'll wind up behind bars -- have contacted a consultant who teaches white-collar criminals how to survive in federal prison and secure early release, sources said.
...
Levine refused to identify his clients, but admitted that "a female relative of Bernie Madoff contacted me" about taking his Fedtime 101 crash course. Shana contacted the company two weeks ago "because she was concerned about her safety" should she ever go to jail, one source said.
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He said a representative of Bernard had contacted him before the Ponzi scammer went to jail, but the rep's lawyers declined to let him take the course because his phone chats were being monitored. None of the Madoffs has yet sent money to Levine, he said.

God I'd love to have that man's job. Locking up rich people and treating them like shit as "preparation" for prison, then they thank you by paying you a large sum of money for the abuse. Anyway, we've been able to steal a list of Fedtime 101's top secrets for pampered lily white crooks. How to survive in prison: White Collar criminals edition

• Shank or be shanked
• Don't ever mention that you ran a pyramid scheme, you killed those people and stole $50 billion dollars worth of their money
• The Dixie Mafia is probably out after you snitched, so join MS-13 or La Nuestra Familia. Play up your El Salvadorian heritage
• Remember to treat the next guy to be convicted for helping plunge this country into a financial hole nicely and show him the ropes
• Just kidding Bernie, you're the only guy who'll do time
• Note that you're in the federal penal system with actual terrorists, homegrown or foreign, who have attempted or succeeded in destroying large chunks of this country
• Note that you've done more damage to the country than they've ever hoped to
• No autographs for free, you better be getting a couple a cigs or prime prison ass for such eBayable material
• Find religion, but make sure it's one of those religions that doesn't want a 10% cut of your earnings
• Bring some of the financial wizardry you helped pioneer to the prison economy
• Apologize for collapsing the prison economy
• Clench tightly. Don't ever think of unclenching
• Toilet sangria: not quite Crystal, but close. Drink up
  
• If there's a Death Race or Running Man type program, sign up
• No embarrassing, Saddam-type photos of you in your underwear