Broken News: China says “Fuck it", opens salmonella factory

BEIJING—After several embarrassing public health scares caused by salmonella laced foods, melamine laced baby formula, toys found laced with lead and the drug GHB, and a recent public opinion indictment involving the Uncle Chen and Lian How brands, China has decided to throw up its hands, say “fuck it”, and open a factory that produces nothing but salmonella.

“Honestly, it’s time,” announced David Han, a spokesman for the Mu Bai Group, which is funding this venture jointly with the Chinese government. “All we seem to be able to produce are goods that are too toxic for human contact or consumption. The country sees no further point in putting up pretenses about our industrial abilities. This stance frees us to begin manufacturing the shit wholesale, with what we predict will be 35-40% greater efficiency. Production should commence by the end of the 2nd quarter.”

The company's first product, a lead-lined bag full of GHB-spiked salmonella, will retail for $19.99 and should be available for the Christmas rush. MBG’s hope is that American consumers will be eager to stop playing games of “which product is tainted?” enabled by two decades of outsourced manufacturing capacity and just be relieved to buy a product they know for certain is extraordinarily dangerous.

Many within the Chinese communist government hierarchy are hoping that the new development of this burgeoning industry will be able to provide a much needed economic boost to China, which has seen its GDP output slow to the weakest levels on record during the global financial crisis.

“Sure, we’d love if this were some new growth industry; the next Silicon Valley,” observed Hong Tsai, a junior deputy at the Ministry of Commerce. “And we are acutely aware that there just might not be a market for bagged bacteria, mind erasing hallucinogens, and dangerous metals. Not outside of Africa, anyway. But if we flood the market with these products, then eventually the world will be forced to pay us to stop. So it’s really a win-win.”

While Tsai was reluctant to reveal more about the future of this new policy, he did indicate that China has many similar projects intended to provoke the ire and financial restitution from a threatened world on the horizon. They include turning Shandonga Province into a five square-mile pit of burning car tires, a factory that grinds dangerous and poisonous metals into microscopic dust and loads them into weather balloons, and inundating the toy market with products that are little more than crudely painted, lead laced daggers.

Sources close to the government say that this new initiative was launched after the Chinese saw the success that Somali pirates were having hijacking ships.

“If they can get millions for taking hostages and letting them go, surely we can get millions -- billions even -- for not shipping out dangerous materials and poisoning the world, right?” asked government spokesman Qi Zhaoxu. “Sure, US Navy SEAL snipers might have to shoot a couple of us in retaliation, but what are three people to China anyway? There’s a billion of us.”

Zhaoxu added, “It’s really just an extension of our plan to poison the athletes of the world with smog in pursuit of athletic glory for the Motherland. We just started thinking bigger and thinking about our economic glory. Or ‘non-collapse’ as it appears.”

The Chinese hopes to have either a large stack of cash in non-sequential numbers, preferably Euros, or American citizens feeling nauseous and vomiting, progressing to abdominal pains and diarrhea by early 2010. With any luck they think the public will be going through advanced stages of gastroenteritis, entric fever, and bacteremia by midyear.