Putin: Judo King of Russia

Putin’s Tips for What to Do When Negotiations Collapse

Just weeks after Russia’s state-run media reported that Prime Minister Vladimir V. Putin had saved a news crew from a wild tiger, he is flexing his muscles again, this time in an instructional martial arts video.

A montage on Russian television of the white-robed prime minister body-slamming opponents accompanied the release of the video, “Let’s Learn Judo With Vladimir Putin,” in Mr. Putin’s hometown, St. Petersburg, on Tuesday.

First off, this is not a Broken News thing, this is inexplicably real. Putin saves people from tigers and puts out instructional videos on how to kick ass.

First tip: have black ops military strike teams poison your opponent with Polonium before he enters the ring. Second tip: kill any journalists that report this. Third tip: make a "Hiiiiiiiii-yaaaaaaaaaaaaaah" sound before flipping this terminally poisoned radioactive man onto the ground. If he refuses to fall, get the black ops team to arrange a heart attack from him later in the day. Leave, go out and save children from a menacing wildebeasts and return to your hollowed out mountain base in the Urals. Concieve of kung fu movies starring you and Tony Jaa.