Quote of the day

Some of us may be wondering how South Africa got the World Cup. I know, I know, "First World Cup in Africa" was probably all anyone from FIFA had to hear. But one still wonders how a country with Johannesburg in it, which combines all the destitute charms of Detroit and Baltimore and adds in a dash of war-torn Sarajevo and the roving cannibal gangs of the Road, and is still allowed to host games there?

Well now we know: God did it. Or should I say: God related deal-making.

Anti-apartheid icon Desmond Tutu promised FIFA top brass a first class pass to heaven if they granted then-World Cup hopeful South Africa the host bid, a top organising official said on Monday.
...
"Then we had our first meeting with the FIFA executive and Archbishop Tutu said: If you vote for us, I will make sure that you get a first class ticket to heaven," Jordaan quoted him as saying.

Now, you might ask yourself "Isn't that a bribe?" No.

"I said: Arch but you said we must not bribe. Isn't that a bribe?.

"He said: No, no, it's not a bribe. A bribe is only when you give things to people who are alive. In order to get their first-class ticket, they must first die. That's not a bribe."

That clears it up.

Still, I find fault with the Archbishop's promise and the whole theological underpinning of his offer. I mean how can God even exist if He allows the world's biggest sporting event to take place without replay and review technology to correctly call off-sides plays and determine if goals go over the line?

Hmm? Where's you God now, Archbishop Tutu? He can't exist! He would want the score to be kept properly! LAMPARD'S GOAL WAS IN!

Sorry, Sepp Blatter and the rest of FIFA's Governing Council of Kicky-Footy Games are just going to die and go into the endless black void of nothingness like the rest of us. The lack of goal line technology proves the non-existence of God. It's science.

God is to blame

Indignant Bible thumper and fierce advocate for "the family" and "family values" Mark Souder (R-IN) was caught a few weeks back carrying on affairs with someone who was not his wife or the Lord. He resigned. It was a tremendous shock to everyone. I mean a moralizing blowhard being hoisted on his own petard and being revealed as a gross hypocrite? Hardly ever happens. Especially not to right wing religious fundamentalists. Actually, it was kind of shocking that he wasn't a closeted gay guy like about 90% of the others.

Not content to slink off in shame and not embarrass himself in public any further, Souder decided he needed to let everyone have another go around and mocking him.

"I prayed multiple times a day, sang hymns with emotion and tears, felt each time that it wouldn't happen again, read the Bible every morning. . . . So how in the world did I have a 'torrid' (which is an accurate word) many-year affair?"

Is it because you seemingly expected an invisible bearded man in the sky to get up off his golden throne, teleport down to earth, and zip your pants up for you? That you sang songs about Hos-an-na in the high-est instead of focusing on not fucking another person or dealing with emotional or marital problems you were having? That you never realized that prayer is easily defeated by bare breasts?

No, clearly God is to blame here. He failed to stop you after you clearly said His magic words and sang His magic songs. Maybe He did hear your cries, it's just that in the immortal words of Frank Zappa: Jesus Thinks You're A Jerk. Maybe you were confusing Yahweh by yelling "Oh God! Oh God!" during the various affairs.

Anyway, He clearly let you down, Mark. Expect a handwritten apology letter to appear in a torilla in Juarez sometime over the summer.

Compare/Contrast

Via Matthew Yglesias comes these first two little nuggets.

The founding principles of the Conservative Party of Canada, who just so happen to rule America's Hat:

A belief that all Canadians should have reasonable access to quality health care regardless of their ability to pay;

The policy agenda of the the Conservative Party in the United Kingdom, who is soon going to rule in Brittania:

Over three years ago David Cameron spelled out his priorities in three letters – NHS. Since then, we have consistently fought to protect the values the NHS stands for and have campaigned to defend the NHS from Labour’s cuts and reorganisations.

As the party of the NHS, we will never change the idea at the heart of our NHS – that healthcare in this country is free at the point of use and available to everyone based on need, not ability to pay.

And from the Republican Party's House Minority John Boehner comes the GOP's governing principles:

With the stroke of a pen, President Obama has signed away another share of Americans' freedom. We will take it back.

The US got hosed when God was doling out conservatives to all the countries.

A St. Pat's miracle!

Today is St. Patrick's Day. What, you thought it was last Saturday or this Saturday or whenever there's an abundance of green beer? No, it's an actual day and because the Irish are so great we allow it to be celebrated early and late to accommodate for whatever massive liver damage you want to do to yourself.

But this is not about Catholic holidays dedicated to drunken street fighting, this is about an honest to God miracle. Someone sobered up Shane McGowan enough to convince him he looked like a homeless derelict and convinced him to finally get fake teeth. Hallelujah!



The man drank so much he lost all of his teeth. Granted some of that was because he got so drunk one time he faceplanted off a wall and onto some bricks, but the rest were knocked out by years of savage, savage alcohol abuse. Now he looks normal, almost unrecognizable. So to celebrate this miracle of St. Patrick, booze, and quality dental work, here's a Pogues song.

Stamps of the day

The Royal Mail, in celebration of the 350th Anniversary of the founding of the Royal Society, put out a series of stamps commemorating the science and scientists who broke ground on some of the most important concepts and theories of our time. Why did the Royal Mail do this? Because the Queen was tired of putting herself on stamps and no one could agree what God looked like so they could put His picture on a stamp.





What is the US doing to celebrate science? Well, 40% of us now believe in creationism, are swelling the ranks of places like Liberty university to learn about creationism instead of actual science, and leaving ourselves open to televised mocking from foreign news agencies.

Shamu and God

God is an angry wizard, that much is certain. When we anger him he casts down judgment in the form of unspeakable horrors. Category Five hurricanes because of the gays. Terrorist attacks because of the gays. Giant country destroying earthquakes because of the blacks making a pact with the devil. Also: probably a little about the gays.

And how do we know this? Well 15 minutes after it happens some helpful thumper of a bible, usually Pat Robertson, comes out and tells us so... and, if you wouldn't mind, asks for a donation. Now as our most amusing, leaping sea creatures rise up against us instead of entertaining the whole family, we can only ask one thing: what have the gays done this time? Oh enlighten us, American Family Association.

Chalk another death up to animal rights insanity and to the ongoing failure of the West to take counsel on practical matters from the Scripture. [...] Says the ancient civil code of Israel, “When an ox gores a man or woman to death, the ox shall be stoned, and its flesh shall not be eaten, but the owner shall not be liable.” (Exodus 21:28) So, your animal kills somebody, your moral responsibility is to put that animal to death. You have no moral culpability in the death, because you didn’t know the animal was going to go postal on somebody. But, the Scripture soberly warns, if one of your animals kills a second time because you didn’t kill it after it claimed its first human victim, this time you die right along with your animal. To use the example from Exodus, if your ox kills a second time, “the ox shall be stoned, and its owner also shall be put to death.” (Exodus 21:29)

You're off the hook, gays. Shamu went nuts because Sea World doesn't properly follow Exodus in it's animal handling guidelines.... among other basic safety issues it doesn't follow. For some reason the Sea World Corporation are also against killing their own handlers as punishment. And so God has cursed them yet again. The Bible is an informative How-To guide, not just spiritually, but in the running of your amusement park.

But I think it's too pat an answer to blame the Christian God for his hand in orca related deaths. Smiting Haiti and New Orleans? Of course, that makes sense. But I think we can squarely put the blame for this one on Neptune. We have stolen His sea creatures from His oceans, and he is slowly taking his revenge by killing marine biologists one by one. Or perhaps the Snorks are behind it, I don't know. All I know is that God doesn't usually wet his beak in this penny ante death stuff. God plays big, bets big, wins big.

So just in case you forgot, the AFA would like to remind you: God is responsible for everything horrible that makes the news. Doesn't that just make you want to rush out and find religion?

St. Sarah the Childlike

We all had a good bit of fun with former VP candidate, teen pregnancy advocate, and Alaska quitter Sarah Palin writing trite notes on her hand. Because she's one giant walking joke and Uncle Sean and Uncle Matt likes our material to come easy.

She wrote "energy" on her hand! Because apparently she thought she'd forget about the concept of abundant or usable power that can be used in a capacity to do work unless she had a reminder on her palm. Maybe she just wanted to remind everyone to drink Alaska brand oil or something.

But whatever you may think this says about her intellectual capacity, the lack of paper in her immediate vicinity, the inability almost two years hence to remember her rote, unchanging talking points, or the superior skin writing excellence of Bic, just know that you are wrong. Because God and Jesus and the Bible.

Isaiah 49:16 reads: "See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me."

"Hey, if it was good enough for God, scribbling on the palm of his hand, it's good enough for me, for us. He says, in that passage he says, I wrote your name on the palm of my hand to remember you. And I'm like OK, I'm in good company," Palin said to laughter.

See, God did it. Sure, God is all knowing, all powerful, and omniscient, but sometimes he has to write shit on his hand to remember it. He created the Heavens and the Earth first, pens second, and just didn't get to paper until like the ass end of day six. And she's just tryin' to be like the Lord and you're tryin' to be all like that Devil guy who was like "Hey God, get a fuckin' pen and some papyrus" and tried to tempt our Lord in the desert with visions of Microsoft Office Word, Sharpies, and corrasable bond.

So, you know, the baby Jesus. That's who you're criticizing when you think you're criticizing Sarah Palin. She was merely writing words on her hand to help her brain stand up to the mighty onslaught of pre-screened questions from teabaggers, much in the manner of our infant Lord. If you're fine with that keep up with the mocking. Just know that the Lord is taking note. On His hand.

Stay classy, Pat

With the disaster in Haiti that's going on right now, it was a mad dash to see who could be the most insensitive Christian fundamentalist right wing prick to be the first one out of the gate blaming some form of immorality for the destruction. Of course evangelical leg press world record holder Pat Robertson was able to get his chastising comments towards people dying in and earthquake out first, barely edging Rush Limbaugh at the line. He's a spry fuck for a rotten old bastard.

You see, it's that pact Haiti made with the devil. Not a pact they made because they allowed gays to exist or women to expose their ankles, no. A literal pact with a man in a red suit carrying a hayfork.

"Something happened a long time ago in Haiti, and people might not want to talk about it," he said on Christian Broadcasting Network's "The 700 Club." "They were under the heel of the French. You know, Napoleon III, or whatever. And they got together and swore a pact to the devil. They said, we will serve you if you'll get us free from the French. True story. And so, the devil said, okay it's a deal."

Robertson said that "ever since, they have been cursed by one thing after the other" and he contrasted Haiti with its neighbor, the Dominican Republic.

Classy as always. Good old Pat, always quick to blame people for their own suffering, like Jesus did.

If you'd like to actually do something to help and somehow don't feel like inventing stories about red devil bewitching the mud people quite does it, you can donate to Oxfam, Google has a page up for UNICEF and CARE, text "HAITI" to 90999 to donate $10 to the Red Cross and text "YELE" to 501501 to donate $5 to Yele Haiti's efforts, and Huffington Post has a larger link to all the non-profits running relief efforts and doing work on the ground.

Oh, we're also going to have to tolerate Wyclef Jean being back in the public eye for a while and I'm sure he'll have a charity single that we'll all have to pretend is good too. It's a burden, but we'll do it anyway.

Those choosing instead to just alter their Twitter of Facebook page will get their face mashed in by the first decent person that can be sent around to their place. Prayers for the death/humiliation/humiliating death of Pat Robertson can be offered to the heavens at any time.

The power of prayer

You know how it is sometimes. You get so worked up over pending legislation that you and your fellow group of teabaggers pray unbelievably hard that God will go and smite leaders of the opposition so that they don't have enough votes to pass their little socialist scheme. But then the next day, as you look over the voting rolls, you see that not only did God not kill any Democrats, but that one Republican was unable to make the vote. Then that moment of panic sets in: did my prayer to kill an elected leader go into the Senate floor, miss a Democrat, ricochet around, and hit a Republican?

Well, there's only one thing left to do then: call into CSPAN and ask Sen. John Barrasso if your prayers accidentally killed Jim Inhofe instead of Robert Byrd, like you wanted.



Thankfully Barrasso was there to reassure the man that Sen. Inhofe wasn't killed by an errant prayer, he was probably just holed up in his office denying climate change or evolution or something. Whew! That was a close one.

But just a word of warning to those attempting to use the power of prayer to kill: when you order God to kill your political enemies, you have to put the killing prayer inside a spiritual sniper rifle. If you just try to cram the prayer into a metaphysical missile or a dogmatic cluster bomb, you have no idea just what kind of damage that prayer might do. No, you have to focus the power of your killing prayers. Otherwise, innocent men like Jim Inhofe might get taken down when all you are simply asking God for is the death of Robert Byrd.

It's simple shit, people.

Dance, Tuvalu, dance. We are displeased!

The Copenhagen Summit has certainly been an entertaining event. I mean where else can you see God strike down climate change denier Henrik Svensmark with a pacemaker malfunction... on live TV? Sorry Henrik, that rejection of science is going to have to include all science, including medical science. The Lord doth command it.

Or how about Africa standing up to developed countries to preserve the Kyoto protocols? Just for that we're going to ignore the next three genocides, you guys.

I mean where else are you going to get to witness a country beg for it's life?


Tuvalu delegate Ian Fry:

It appears that we are waiting for some senators in the U.S. Congress to conclude before we can consider this issue properly. It is an irony of the modern world that the fate of the world is being determined by some senators in the U.S. Congress.

Quit bitching. If you didn't want Joe Lieberman and Ben Nelson to control whether your and other low-lying island nations slowly drown to death or not, then you shouldn't have elected them Global Climate Overlords. Frankly what have you offered them other than an impassioned plea that "The fate of my country rests in your hands"? That talk doesn't fill up campaign coffers with cash.

Call us when you get some people, Tuvalu. But because we are generous and benevolent in our negligence, we have requisitioned some very nice life-vests for you in the likely event the Senate fails to act. You're welcome.

He is up there!

Earlier today I lamented over the fact that our wished and prayers for physical harm to come to Joe Lieberman had been, as yet, unanswered by God. I noted that it was proof that we had been praying to the wrong God. Well, thanks to the hard work of Italian scientists, we now have an idea which God it is we need to pray to. How do we know? Because Italy's long standing prayers to see Silvio Berlusconi get what's coming to him have come true. Motherfucker got decked in the face.

Silvio Berlusconi said today it was a miracle that he was not blinded by the attack in central Milan last night that left him with a broken nose, two missing teeth and a cut lip.

The Italian Prime Minister was struck in the face with a marble statuette of the Duomo cathedral by a man with a history of mental problems who had managed to penetrate his double ring of security police.

A marble statue of a cathedral. It's the little details that count.

So I say we call up Italy and ask politely which God they prayed to made this happen. Sure, I'm more of a biblical type violence person, but if our elected betters own conscience, the media, voters, or the basic human decency isn't going to cause them to act with any regard towards the country, then a divinely inspired, mentally deranged man wielding a religious building as a weapon might.

C'mon Italy, was is Baal, Gozer, Anubis, or Muslim God? I have it narrowed down to those four.

Headline of the day

Police: Man Says Jesus Set Him Up For Drug Arrest

That excuse has never worked for Sean, but he's supportive of any attempt to make people aware of the kind of things their Lord does in secret.

Still, if drugs are around, I'm betting a guy with a beard and sandals is too, so I can see how this fine, upstanding citizen could have made a mistake.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 10.15

The Collider, the Particle and a Theory About Fate
Hey did you know that its entirely possible that the reason the LHC is running into trouble colliding particles that the Higgs boson is so abhorrent to nature that its creation would ripple backward through time and stop the LHC from creating a Higgs boson. Is your mind blown yet? Does your head hurt yet? This is why it's so much easier to just say "God did it."

First black hole for light created on Earth
Hate light? Love black holes? Well buddy the people at Purdue University have got the goods for you: a table top electromagnetic black hole that sucks in light and traps it. It has promising properties for harnessing and advancing solar energy collection. How'd they do it? Uh...God did it.

Poll shows Specter staring at 'near fatal' re-election figure
What? You mean to tell me that only 31% of Pennsylvanians view the switching of political parties for the most nakedly transparent, self-serving political means possible as a good thing? The main problem is that no one knows who his Democratic primary opponent, Joe Sestak, is and he's locked in a dead heat with the likely Republican opponent Pat Toomey, a guy who makes Rick Santorum look like a European socialist. Hopefully that'll change as Sestak gets more coverage and the race goes on. Otherwise the prospect of Senator Tommey *shudders* is enough to get one motivated to support Arlen Specter *shudders...but in a manner less than the shudder for Toomey*.

Americans Rank Randy Jackson and Michael Phelps as Most Likeable Celebs For 2009
Really America? The guy who says "dawg" all the time on American Idol? Still that's not why I posted this. You know who the least liked man in America is? Mike Vick. Yup the reformed dogfighter is less popular than Joe Jackson, Mark Sanford, Anne Coulter, and spousal abuser/singer Chris Brown. Way to bear a grudge America! Keep hating a man trying to reform himself at a higher level than unrepentant liars and scum. Know who else is surprisingly ranked as low as Chris Brown and Vick? NFL columnist Peter King. Good work on that, KSK. The man America views as the most sincere? Buzz Aldrin. He's got credibility people, MOON CREDIBILITY!

President Barack Obama visits New Orleans today
Barry takes his first trip to the still devastated New Orleans today. He's going to look around, see the 9th Ward's only reopened school, view the devastation, eat at Dooky Chase, and then go off into a private room to sob as he has to add yet another thing to his "Massive Bush Fuck-ups I Have to Fix" list. Poor bastard. To think: he actually wanted this job. Well that'll learn him.

Monkey news

Yo ugly ass momma, evolutionarily speaking

Oldest "Human" Skeleton Found--Disproves "Missing Link"

Scientists today announced the discovery of the oldest fossil skeleton of a humanLucy, the iconic early human ancestor specimen that walked the Earth 3.2 million years ago (interactive time line: how the new discovery changes human evolutionary theory).
...
The fossil puts to rest the notion, popular since Darwin's time, that a chimpanzee-like missing link—resembling something between humans and today's apes—would eventually be found at the root of the human family tree. Indeed, the new evidence suggests that the study of chimpanzee anatomy and behavior—long used to infer the nature of the earliest human ancestors—is largely irrelevant to understanding our beginnings.

I don't want to alarm you, but it seems that God, in conjunction with the baby Jesus, has decided to up his game in regards to providing convincingly plausibly lies to get heretics to believe in evolution and not in the Bible. He's getting serious. Not content just to bury dinosaur bones, God has upped his game: burying evidence He faked that purportedly shows Man's earliest known, 4.4 million year old evolutionary fore-bearer and also scientifically disproves the "missing link" theory, knocking out the notion that we somehow branched off from chimps.

I think we all know what to do now. I'll bury myself in Bible studies, you call Fred Phelps, and we'll go to Tim White and Berhane Asfaw's labs (the two who made the "discovery" and worked out the "science") to laugh at how the scientific community has once again fallen for one of His practical jokes. The punchline is: everyone burns in hell. So believe in your precious fossils, carbon dating, and beloved maths and sciences. We enlightened types know that the earth is 6,000 years old, Jesus rode a Triceratops into Jerusalem, this "evidence" of "evolution" is a hilarious practical joke, and the only good use for math is adding up the ages of everyone in the Bible to provide a timeline of the Earth. Meet me at the creation museum if you want to further discuss how hilarious this is or Kirk Cameron's own scientific work into disproving evolution.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 09.22

Waterboarding Doesn’t Work, Scientists Say
I don't want to blow your minds too hard before noon, so let me slow walk you through this one: the use of waterboarding, stress positions, and sleep deprivation are proven to actually destroy memory functions cause frontal lobe damage. So let's see, that makes it morally, ethically, legally, medically, and scientifically wrong to use waterboarding as a torture enhanced interrogation method. Do we need more, or must we unearth an ancient stone tablet that says it too?

Better world: Be nice to people
Great, now science says that being nice and altruistic acts spread through non-internet social networks and that being kind within your social groups can come back to benefit you, if you want to think about it selfishly. In a related study they show that negative acts and bad vibes can spread the same way, and that, more or less, Sean and I are responsible for the genocide in Darfur. Sorry. Our bad. We'll try to perk it up a bit here.

F.D.I.C. May Borrow Funds From Banks
Turns out that the FDIC is almost out of cash due to a little matter of all the banks failing. Now, desperate for cash, instead of turning to the Treasury Department for a always available line of credit, they're just going to borrow from the banks that haven't collapsed. In a related story, WE CAN SEE THE FUTURE! Don't offend us lest we use our awesome powers on you.

U.N. Climate Conference Opens With Call for Unity
The UN Climate Conference has started with big speeches from Barry and Hu Jintao talked of the need for large action on climate change and pollution controls before the ceremony ended when both simultaneously faked fainting spells when they were directly asked about concrete actions their countries were taking. Whew! That was a close one there, boys. You almost had to mention a concrete plan. Artfully dodged.

Kirk Cameron's 'Origin Of Species' Plan: Ex-Actor To Distribute 50,000 Altered Darwin Books
Far be it from me to mock those who follow the teachings of evangelical former TV stars, after all, I handle venomous snakes for Jesus at the church Alan Thicke started near my house. But isn't Kirk worried that trying to indoctrinate children with a fancifully distorted text filled with lies is going to infringe on what the church does? I smell a lawsuit. Still, I'm sure that altering a scientific text to include ominous Hitler, racism, and misogynist accusation towards the author is what God would have wanted. I'm just a little surprised, I thought Kirk's banana video would have converted everyone who believed in evolution.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 09.10

Big Food vs. Big Insurance
With the health care debate about to come to it's depressing conclusion of "making the least helpful reforms and improvements possible" some people are out there still trying to point out that one big reason we have large health care costs is our diet. One of those people is author Michael Pollan. He has taken to the pages of New York Times op-ed page to remind us all that we also need massive reform in the area of food subsidies and agribusiness regulation. Because if there's one thing to do that easier than health care it's getting farm state senators to turn off the free money spigot to their constituents and biggest contributors.

Bolivian Preacher Says God Wanted Him To Hijack Aeromexico Jet
It's nice to see that God and Jesus are finally branching out from their standard "appearing in a tortilla, appearing on a wall, or making a statue/little boy's eyes bleed" Mexico behavior. Why only let Muslims engage in dangerous and deadly plane behavior in the name of God? Spread that ability around to people of all faiths. What did the preacher do this for? He wanted to warn Felipe Calderon about an earthquake "like none there has ever been." Well, he's been warned. I just think the preacher is going to be a tad disappointed when Mexico isn't ripped in half by a 10.0 earthquake. Hell, I know Pat Buchanan and Tom Tancredo will be.

U.S. Forest Service warns against campers drinking Tecate beer, eating tortillas, and playing Spanish music.
If you had asked me which governmental branch was most racist against Mexicans I think I, and really all of us, would have said "border patrol" without even thinking. Who knew it was the forestry service? That said, they just wanted to warn people that if they heard signs of Mexican activity that they were not to engage them, tie their food up in a tree, and retreat to their car. While it might just be Mexicans in a national park, the forestry service feels that it's more likely a sign of armed marijuana growers or possibly....the dreaded ranchero bear. Be forewarned.

Top 10 political hecklers
In light of Joey Wilson's little outburst, the Times Online has decided to give us a rundown of the 10 best political heckles during a speech. As 9 out of the 10 examples are from British lawmakers (the final one being Bubba), they show considerably more wit, humor, and acidity than grunting out "You lie!" to an objectively true statement.

The 10 Best Jack Nicholson Summer Vacation Photos
Since summer is nearly over (weather wise), Popeater decided it was time to celebrate the season's last gasp with a series of nearly nude Jack Nicholson photographs. If one thing is for sure he definitely likes hisself a hoagie, smokin' and a swimmin', and beaching himself on land. Enjoy.

Last Days of Big American Physics: One More Triumph, or Just Another Heartbreak?
Wired Science takes us through Fermilab's last desperate attempts to conjure a Higgs boson particle before CERN can come back online. I'm of two minds. One: it would be really great if the USA!USA!USA! was able to deliver a $6 billion groin kick to Europe with our outdated particle accelerator that is not only ice cooled but involves scientists having to hand throw the particles into each other. Two: Despite that, I'm not so sure I prefer God to be murdered and a black hole to be opened on American soil. Let the Franco-Swiss border be destroyed first. Still this does raise one important question: in their last ditch attempt to prove the superiority of Fermilab, did US scientists sabotage the LHC's superconducting bending magnets? I'm not saying I could prove anything, but.....

Cheap Blogging Crutch 08.31

More ‘Evidence’ of Intelligent Design Shot Down by Science
I don't know. You mean to tell me that combining the intellectual rigor of 'God did it" with lying about actual science doesn't stand up to scientific scrutiny? Color me surprised and subsequently damned by God for all eternity for believing in Darwin's monkey myth. We'll throw it on the pile with all the other clear refutations. I feel sorry for the scientists studying this stuff. Sure they're making important discoveries about biology and evolution, but their audience is a group of people who will never be swayed by things like "evidence" and "scientific proof." Oh well, here's to hoping someone just finds a golden tablet under a tree that says God says evolution is real. Then, we'll have real proof.

Trial by Fire: Did Texas execute an innocent man?
Yes, it's what they do. Next question. Oh, you wanted to know if Texas executed a specific man who also happened to be innocent. Yes. Next question. But please, do read the New Yorker's comprehensive story on the case of one Cameron Todd Willingham and how you can get executed over disproven forensics and a host of other obvious mistakes and lies and a Governor too busy prattling on about secession to read about things like science and evidence.

The Cutting Edge – Humidity, Summer Skiing at Falwell's University
You know when your school doesn't have to spend money on things like accreditation and accurate science textbooks...or really any books other than the bible, you get to buy the campus some pretty kick ass shit. Like a snowless ski hill. Because what other way is there to crank out the next generation of Monica Goodlings unless your campus is not only pious, but totally radical.

Environmentalists Slow to Adjust in Climate Debate
Other than the first rule of dealing with hippies (Never go with a hippie to a second location), the second is the most important: never let the hippies organize a counter lobbying effort when they're pitted against energy conglomerates. See the story of concerted organization, junkets, press time, and face time with legislators vs. ......stickers. Yeah, looks like sensible environmental legislation and cap & trade is going to have to wait a while. On the bright side, at least Phish is back together.

Israel's Wealthiest Woman Says She Can See the Future
I think we found the answer to the question "How much money do you have to have before your crazy outbursts, deranged proclamations, and God complex are largely ignored?" The answer is $2.7 billion, which is the exact amount that Shari Arison, the richest woman in the Middle East and seer of the future, is carting around. So if you want people to believe your street-corner proclamations about government nanobots in your blood, you better start investing.

Decision to end ‘Reading Rainbow’ traced to a ‘shift’ in priorities during the Bush administration.
Turns out you can pretty much blame everything on the Bush Administration, even the cancellation of beloved reading shows. But then again you can see the logic. They were pretty sure that the book banning thing was going to catch on more than it did and didn't see the need to fund a show that promoted reading. It's a shame, Reading Rainbow's review of "The Pet Goat" was what famously got George to pick up the book in the first place....and not put it down for 7 minutes.

Video of the day

Hubble Ultra Deep Field images......in 3D. With a little education about deep field imagery. And if you click on the video you can go read a staggeringly childish YouTube comment thread war about God and atheism.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 07.30

Pope: My 'Guardian Angel' Let Me Down
I know he's the Pope and thus prone to believe in this fanciful bullshit, but did he really just blame an angel for failing to keep him upright? And then suggested that God wanted him to fall and ordered an angel to let it happen? I wonder why it is I fail to take religion seriously.

The Baucus Bill's Bad Math
Nate Silver turn his super robot abacus brain onto leaked plans of the health care bill that Max Baucus is negotiating. It seems that it can't possibly do what he says it will and contains a terrible mish-mash of attributes for a health care bill to have. Man, I'm so glad everyone decided it was a great idea to let Max fuckin' Baucus lead the way on health care reform.

Blue Dog Compromise Removes Billions In Savings From Public Plan
Who would have thought? I can't believe that the Blue Dogs actually ended up contradicting their stated goals in order to hack a few bucks out of a health care bill and pretend like they were doing something. It's almost as if they have no idea what they're doing or talking about. Good thing House Democrats decided to cede power to them.

The New Antiquarians
"New vintage". Overly precious kitschy shit on the walls. The hipster TGI Friday's aesthetic. Is it time to consider killing Wes Anderson and hemming in this retro 19th century taxidermist Futura fonted Victorian pastiche trend before it spreads or gets any new ideas? I'm as eager to see the Fantastic Mr. Fox as the next guy, but he needs to be stopped.

Beer choice at Obama meeting touches off new debate
Now that the President is mediating the most important peace accord since Sadat and Begin met, we can finally talk about what's important: booze. Lager? Wheat ales? Budweiser? A magical blend from the Sam Adams founder which melds all the flavors of the world plus magic rainbows? This is important, the whole next week of Glen Beck Hannity, and Rush's shows hinge on whether Barack orders a foreign beer or one they can deem "only pussy liberals drink".

Stormy Daniels Arrested for Domestic Violence
Not only did the porn star challenging David "whores are a conservative christian value" Vitter have a campaign adviser get car bombed, but now she's under arrest for beating her husband. Louisiana needs to have a Senate election every year. We're only in the beginning stages of the primaries and it's threatening to be the most interesting race ever. We're a bestiality arrest and a cultist kidnapping away from having to dip the campaign in bronze to preserve it for future generations.

Why does God always take the good ones?

N. Korea’s Leader May Have Cancer, Report Says

The North Korean leader Kim Jong-il, who suffered a stroke last August, was also found to have “life-threatening” pancreatic cancer around the same time, a South Korean cable television network reported on Monday.

The network, YTN, a cable news station, quoted unidentified Chinese and South Korean intelligence sources for the report, which was made by YTN’s correspondent in Beijing. The station did not explain how the sources obtained the sensitive medical information from North Korea, an isolated, nuclear-armed state that has kept details of its leader’s health a closely guarded secret.

First Michael Jackson and now Kimbo. Why is God this cruel? He had so many underground bombs left to set off, missiles to fire into the waters off Japan, people to starve, money to hoard, paintings of himself to unveil, and goose stepping soldier marches to preside over. Now, it seems, the Dealmaker is taking one last trip down life's waterslide. Life just isn't fair.

You know, if this whole thing is true. I mean they did use the "may have" caveat. I don't want to call into question the intelligence capacities of either the Chinese, South Korean, Japanese, or US intel services, but didn't they already tell us Kim Jong-Il was crippled by a stroke, that is he would have been if he hadn't died of diabetes and been replaced by a double years earlier? You know this is just like all those times Castro got cancer, died, and was replaced by a double. Hey, maybe it's the double that has the cancer. Ouch. First you look like Kim Jong-Il, then you have to live in North Korea and run it in an appropriately crazy manner, then you get cancer. But I'm sure that this time the reports are accurate.

Fare thee well sweet prince. Something, something, rainbow bridge, Valhalla, Jesus, eternal slumber. We'll try not to sneak CIA operatives over the border to piss on your grave.