Video of the day

Given the kind of headlines and statements that regularly come out of North Korea (invisible soccer phones, for one) I'm going to say it's about 60-40 that those subtitles are real. Nah, 72-25.

Kim Jong-Il is a reactionary sort

The United States' World Cup dreams over and the team having completed its mission of losing in a disappointing manner a full step or two before interest in the sport could fully take hold in this country. And so America checks out of the World Cup and our players return to a life of anonymity, playing for teams with weird names in Dutch leagues, and continually getting called Landycakes. As it was meant to be.

But we aren't alone and are in fact more forgiving to our losers. The Italians have spent the last week screaming "Mamma Mia" and clutching-a their pizza pie-a sauce-a over the Azzuri's disappointing exit in the group stages. France has fired up a government inquiry and declared the team a national disgrace after their complete petulant meltdown. England has taken a break from their normal behavior of heaping unrelenting pressure and criticism on the team in an attempt to drive the players to suicide to fully concentrating on heaping unrelenting pressure and criticism on the team in an attempt to drive the players to suicide.

And then there's the North Korean side.

Moon Ki-Nam, a former North Korean coach who fled the country in 2004, told AP: "The players and coach are rewarded with huge houses when they win.

Oh, that's nice. Wait... they didn't win. They got killed. Portugal is still scoring goals on them.

"But they have to atone for losing by being sent to work in the coal mines."

"The families of the players have reportedly been under close observation in North Korea during the tournament. Well informed Japanese secret service circles believe that the danger of severe punishment for the players is very real."

Ah, the coal mines. I guess the salt mines and the acid mines are for dissidents and Olympic failures. Sure, that might be what they did the last time North Korea made the Cup in 1966, but this is 2010. Surely they'll be mining fissile material to build an atomic bomb to deal with what Kim Jong-Il declared to be the persistent and hostile threat from the US and South Korea. Maybe they won't have to go to the mines if we end up forking over the $65 trillion in war damages that Kim has demanded we pay.

So, just be glad US team. You weren't in danger of hard labor, but our collective disinterest in soccer has meant you'll avoid the ritual shaming of our European brethren. Maybe you knew what you were doing when you short circuited your run. Fuck it, put Ricardo Clark on a Louisiana beach cleaning up oil. Where the fuck was he on that first goal? Ghana? Unforgivable.

Hello NoKo

As I type this, the USA is down 2-0 at the half to Slovenia... SLOVENIA OF ALL COUNTRIES! The people from their country who emigrated here chose to live in Cleveland... isn't that enough to explain why they need to be beaten? But as I am in a World Cup mood, I wanted to put up this little story about North Korea's Cup team.

When last we left the Dealmaker and his plucky squad of future defectors, they were having China dress up its citizens as NK supporters because no one in North Korea could either afford to go to South Africa or, more importantly, be allowed by the government to go to South Africa. But his absence hasn't kept Kim Jong-Il from keeping in contact with the head coach of the NK side... through magic.

It's been suggested that North Korea leader Kim Jong-Il gave the coach advice on how to reach the World Cup. Kim Jong-Su, the general secretary of the North Korean FA, has said the 'Dear Leader' gave "in-depth guidance" on how to develop the game in the country and the coach himself has claimed he received regular tactical advice during matches, apparently using mobile phones that are not visible to the naked eye. Jong-Il is said to have developed the technology himself.

That's right, Kim-chee designed and intended the world's first invisible phone. It's one thing to build a quality cellular device, but to invent invisibility? That's why he's the Dear Leader. I heard he's working intently on the invisible vuvuzela.

Man, I know it's a communist dictatorship and all, but isn't it nice to live in a place where our leaders haven't had to go to extreme lengths to pretend that they're something they're not in order to nakedly grasp for popularity?


Oh... right.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 06.15

Star Wars political cartoons... is that something you might be interested in?

How little have our elected betters learned from our horrific financial apocalypse? Almost nothing. The latest example is the Herculean struggle Al Franken is currently going through to get the Senate to maybe consider the fact that the financial sector getting to choose the agency which rates its products creates rather a large conflict of interest. On the side of randomizing the selection process: people who are smart. On the side of keeping things as is and trusting our financial betters won't game a shoddy system: a probable filibuster proof majority of Senators. Remember to put on your surprised faces when our next financial collapse comes.

Comically oil executives took to the Hill today to explain all the ways in which they were not like BP in their offshore drilling practices. The main differences? Uhhh.... they aren't named BP and none of them has a drilling rig named Deepwater Horizon. One candid moment was when the executives basically admitted they had no way to handle massive offshore spills. Oh really? I think we've noticed that lo these past two months.

People have started to call bullshit and nakedly manipulative bullshit on the timing and PR strategy behind the whole "Afghanistan has trillions in resources! We'll all be rich... RICH!!" story from yesterday. C'mon. How are we supposed to feel good about this war or as if we're getting something out of it if they don't trump up old shit the Soviets were trumping up in 1985... when they we in the midst of an unproductive slog in Afghanistan? Just keep telling yourself "Just a few more years of fighting... then we'll all be rich."

Were you wondering who was cheering for North Korea today during their 2-1 defeat at the hands of Brazil? It certainly wasn't any North Koreans. No, the Chinese government flew in supporters specifically for the purpose of cheering for Kim Jong-Il's future waterslide park invitees/torture victims (depending on how the tournament goes). Commies stick together. Maybe China can fly in some soccer supporters to the US after our team invariably is eliminated before the semis and we lose interest in the sport for another 4 years.

Media Matters has gone to the trouble of picking out choice excerpts from Glenn Beck's new fiction thriller/Randian teabagging circle jerk... The Overton Window. Amongst the gems; "rule number one is, don't tease the panther", various meandering/awful sections of prose, bizarre asides about the flat tax and Bill Clinton, examples where Glenn doesn't seem to remember things his own characters have done, and a Star Wars reference so hackneyed it would make Kevin Smith cringe. Essentially it's a less funny version of his "serious" non-fiction books. Anyway, it doesn't compare to the liberal writing brilliance of Who Blog In Darkness.

In closing, your daily "Oh shit, we're fucked" oil flow estimate is 35,000 to 60,000 barrels a day. Up from the 20,000 to 40,000 from last week. It doesn't really matter; at this point it's like having third degree burns over 100% of your body and complaining about the sniffles.

Buddies

There are some friendships where you look at the two people involved and say "I don't know how they became or are still friends." Then there are the ones where you say "Yeah, those two assholes deserve each other. I get it." This is a tale about the latter. This is a tale about Robert Mugabe, Kim Jong-Il, and a crateload of baby animals that are probably dead already.

Two by two, they were caught and lined up as an extravagant gift from one despotic regime to another.

According to conservationists, the Zimbabwean president, Robert Mugabe, will send a modern-day ark – containing pairs of giraffes, zebras, baby elephants and other wild animals taken from a national park – to a zoo in North Korea.

That's right, in order to continue their decades long friendship, Mugabe looted his national parks to send baby animals -including rare and endangered rhinos- to the North Korean dictator/shriveled husk of beef jerky, unaware that this action would cause said animals to die. Or he may be completely aware that the animals would die. Mugabe is after all, and immensely crooked and evil prick.

This is not the first time Mugabe has done this.

Zoo conditions in North Korea, which is isolated by most world nations, did not meet international standards, he said. Two rhinos, a male called Zimbo and a female called Zimba, given to Kim by Mugabe in the 80s, died only a few months after their relocation.

What did Mugabe get from Kim for this first gift? A trained brigade of Zimbabwean soldiers equipped them with tanks and armored personnel carriers... who went on to quash an uprising and slaughter 20,000 civilians. I wonder if Kim will be able to spare a kill squad in return this time? Mugabe does have a free press to deal with now.

Who knows, maybe Kim Jong-Il just wants to eat the elephants and rhinos. That is what he did when he was sent 12 giant rabbits for breeding and farming purposes. He. Ate. Giant. Rabbits. Maybe Kimbo just wants a really exotic BBQ for the World Cup. It is North Korea's first appearance since 1966.

So let us take time out of our day to take note of the special animal killing, crazy ark sending, death squad training, insane friendship of Robert Mugabe and Kim Jong-Il. The worst pen pals ever.

Cheap Blogging Crutch - 3.26.10

The above photo, by the immensely talented James Vernacotola, tracks the ascent of the 32nd shuttle mission to the International Space Station, STS-130, which left planet Earth on February 8. This early morning launch and its gorgeous reflection were captured from the Intracoastal Waterway Bridge in Ponte Vedra, Florida, about 115 miles north of the launch site. As always, click to embiggen while you're reminded of What We Can Do.

American Health Care is Just Fine, Thanks
When Houston Tracy was born on March 15th in the Dallas-Fort Worth area, everything seemed fine. Ten fingers, ten toes. But not long after the cord was cut, doctors realized that Houston had been born with a life-threatening heart defect. Luckily, the condition is easily treated with surgery. Not so luckily, Houston's father, Doug, had his application for health insurance to cover his newborn son denied. The reason? A pre-existing condition. Doug Tracy said it best himself: "How can he have a pre-existing condition if the baby didn't exist until now?"

Socialist President Bows to Communist Overlords
With his left hand (the strong one), President Obama would initiate a government takeover of your health care, your freedoms, and your grandmas, while with his right he would seek to further weaken this great nation in the eyes of our enemies. His latest crime? "The most comprehensive arms control agreement in nearly two decades." This "hopey changey" shit has really got me down.

To Arms!
The South Korean military has launched a massive rescue operation after one of their vessels went down near Baengnyeong island, close to the disputed maritime border between their country and North Korea. The ship was carrying a crew of 104 personnel and was apparently targeted for its repeated attempts to interdict North Korea-bound freighters full of jumpsuits, sunglasses, and Courvoisier.

Mission Re-(ally)Accomplished
Crusader Castle, home of the largest US diplomatic mission in the world, also known as "Fortress America," is now home to the first artificial turf sports field in Iraq. We might not have provided this country with security, a functioning economy, or a democratic process free of fraud, but we sure as shit gave them the "safest, highest performing, and most durable artificial turf system in the world,” according to FieldTurf President Eric Daliere. No word yet on whether any non-diplomats (i.e. the Iraqi people) will actually be permitted to use the field.

"ButterFat 100 return to their psychobilly/emo core roots"
I'm told it's Friday, so I might as well leave you with a little pure gold from the Internet archives. Almost five years ago, atrocious prose factory Pitchfork asked David Cross to write a guest "Top 10" list. The talented Mr. Cross elected to provide them with the classic "Albums to Listen to While Reading Overwrought Pitchfork Reviews." I bring this up now only because I head that Wittgenstein's Mistress absolutely killed at SXSW. What, you haven't heard of them?!?!

Picture of the day

From the Big Picture blog's post on entries for the 2009 National Geographic International Photography Contest, comes this look at a scene from the Arirang Mass Games in North Korea. Click to embiggen.


The photo was taken by Peoples Security Picture Robot of Watching #46JGH1138 and is entitled "Insolent man from Green Sector who is about to be liquefied by Glorious Leader in 5...4...3...2..."

Picture of the day

From the gaming site UK Resistance comes proof that yes, some North Koreans do have two nickels to rub together. In fact, some have five nickels to rub together and use them to play sad, sad video games. Tracigally it looks like they're going through a joystick knob drought as most are probably needed for making happytime explosion of many radiations for imperialist aggressors. If this doesn't impress you, you should see Kim Jong-Il's setup. He's got a Sega Genesis with NHL '95 and Sonic the Hedgehog.

Toilet-shaped residence-based activism of the day

Above is the porcelain throne-based house designed by Korean activist Sim Jae-duck. This 4,500-sq-foot residence is meant to be a monument to the South Korean people's impeccable hygiene, as well as a rallying cry on the part of the World Toilet Association -- Mr. Jae-duck is President of the fledgling organization -- which was founded on a commitment to "improving toilet and sanitation conditions worldwide."

We're all for calling attention to sanitation conditions, especially in developing nations, but what's going to happen when Kim Jong Il gets a look at this and orders one built next to his water slide?

Broken In Brief: North Korea threatens retaliation if not awarded 2016 Olympics

PYONGYANG--Presumably in reaction to President Obama's personal appeal to International Olympic Committee members in Denmark this week, the Democratic People's Republic of North Korea, or, MYNUTS, held a press conference earlier today entailing the rouge state's new charm offensive aimed at convincing the IOC to award the 2016 Olympic games to the failed state.

"As we have clarified with repeat on occasion of many numbers, we justified urge the west to cease its monopoly over the athletic contests of athleticism and reward our great land with honor games of compete," proclaimed the unnamed press official, who went on to threaten unnamed aggressors with "Death, embarrassment, great fire, death, deathly fire, and embarrassing death," should the games not be held in North Korea.

As a group of generals and bureaucrats acted out a proposed opening games ceremony that the Dear Leader had sketched out on a napkin at breakfast that very morning, the unnamed press official yelled out "You gave one to South Korea!" before one of the generals informed the assembled press that the man would be holding his breath until such a time as the games were awarded to North Korea.

According to IOC spokesperson Jhavid Helal, the organization has never never received any manner of request for consideration from North Korea. Helal then quickly added, "Not that we could really consider it, on account of the whole 'international economic sanctions/death squad/that crazy four-foot pile of jerky running the country' thing."

Despite being met with what can best be described as laughter and derision by the rest of the world, North Korea continued to press its case to the media. Citing its "Giant throwermen of the people's javelin", "half-dolphin competition swimmers", "expert sliding on water path of many twists", and "one-soldier 1600 meter relay team," the isolationist nation persisted in shouting its empty, seemingly drunken threats at what had rapidly become an empty room.

Picture of the day

From Bill Clinton's hostage negotiations with a tiny husk of beef jerky in a tan onesie. Not only does he free two journalists but he fended off an attempt by Kim Jong-Il to take him hostage as well. Nice try Kim, but Bubba's too crafty for you North Koreans.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 08.04

Rewarding Bad Actors
Krugzilla on how we can't stop rewarding financial institutions who engage in actions that are demonstrably harmful to the economy and how even the inadequate measure being taken to slow these trends are being opposed. Not only are they profiting off the damage they cause, but then they also get to game the government for large sums of money. Doesn't the financial industry just warm your heart?

Transparent aluminium is 'new state of matter'
Finally, we're this much closer to cans of soda that we can see inside of. No longer will we have to wonder if a spider crawled inside, we will be able to know. Also, blah blah, nuclear fusion, blah blah, new state of matter, blah, planetary science breakthrough, blah. For those of you scoring at home this is yet another thing Star Trek geeks get to strut around and claim their show influenced. C'mon science, is it so fucking hard to create a lightsaber or a wookie?

23 arrested in drug raid at Church of Universal Love and Music
Who would have ever thought that an organization called the Church of Universal Love and Music would ever be busted for drugs? It's the "and Music" part, that's how you knew it's be a drug bust. If it was the "Church of Universal Love" you know it'd be a pedophile bust. Here's a tip for all you budding church creators out there: don't let your name tip off what criminal enterprise you're engaging in. Shouldn't you people have been out following Phish?

Orly Taitz Melts Down On MSNBC, Blames MSM "Brownshirts" (VIDEO)
Bear with me here, I'm about to blow your mind. Apparently the lead "Obama birther" Orly Taitz, doing a fresh round of media interviews because she's claiming to have found Obama's Kenyan birth certificate, is a deranged, unstable woman who doesn't understand basic US law, and doesn't respond well when challenged by facts.

Obama to Lunch with Senate Democrats. All of Them.
You see how badly the President wants health care passed? He's sitting down and spending time with Senate Democrats, on his birthday. Have you ever heard Arlen Specter slurp soup or watched Ben Nelson reach across Russ Feingold to double fist dinner rolls he then shoves into his gaping maw? It's a horrorshow. But a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do to get health care moving. Even if that means pretending to tolerate 60 assholes while they sing "Happy Birthday" and bring out a cake the uncreative fuckers had shaped like the Presidential seal.

Clinton may return to U.S. with journalists Wednesday, South Korean report says
When you want something done, you send in the big dog. Months of negotiations for the release of two journalists with no results. Then you send over Bill, he meets with Kim Jong-Il, takes a ride down the waterslide, asks if Kim has grown since they last met, and boom: freed journalists. He's slick kids, he's slick.

North Korea's catty bitchiness offensive

So Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is away in Thailand, meeting with world leaders at a conference for Southeast Asian nations. When asked about North Korea she gave the standard US answer about stopping their nuclear proliferation, getting them back to the negotiating table, and concerns that they were trading nuclear secrets with Myanmar/Burma. Instead of responding with a typical statement about US imperialism or a story about Kim Jong-Il bench pressing a Panzer tank, the North Korean delegation decided to respond with some catty, childish, bitchiness. Not just symbolically this time, I think they actually found a bitchy 13 year old school girl and had her write up a response.

The war of words between North Korea and the United States escalated Thursday, with North Korea's Foreign Ministry lashing out at Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton in unusually personal terms for "vulgar remarks" that it said demonstrated "she is by no means intelligent."
...
"We cannot but regard Mrs. Clinton as a funny lady as she likes to utter such rhetoric, unaware of the elementary etiquette in the international community," a Foreign Ministry spokesman said, according to North Korean media. "Sometimes she looks like a primary schoolgirl and sometimes a pensioner going shopping."

Oooh, burn! Oh snap Hill-Dawg, how you gonna respond? You aren't going to take this lying down, are you? Luckily she totally went there and told everyone "[North Korea] have no friends left" and alluded to the fact that Kim Jong-Il is a tubby bitch who looks like an old lesbian. This stems from earlier comments she made where she compared North Korea to a small child or unruly teenager who wanted attention, and that he solution was "...don't give it to them, they don't deserve it, they are acting out." She then took off her pumps and threatened to "fuck up a bitch if I have to." This caused a representative from Indonesia to wag his finger in the air and say "Oh no you didn't!"

It's great the the most diplomatically childish nation on Earth always has the huevos to talk about international etiquette and the "offensive" uttering of rhetoric. I mean their response to this will probably be an official statement saying "don't call me a bitch, bitch", followed by the catapulting of a metal tube into the ocean and declaring it a missile launch, and then they'll irradiate some gophers with some uranium they strapped to dynamite and buried underground. I can imagine Kim Jong-Il riding down his waterslide, old lady sunglasses on, in the sitting position, arms crossed, and a sullen look on his face, angry that his country is in danger of losing an international dozens contest. But just in case you were wondering: yes Virginia, international relations with North Korea can get more childish. Wait until Kimbo starts up with a second round of pranks.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 07.17

US gun debate fires up as states allow weapons in bars
Want to know what you can't do in most bars? Smoke. But some states are coming up with a compromise: if you want to kill yourself or be killed in a secondhand manner, they are willing to allow handguns to be carried in bars to increase that possibility. Liquor and firearms, I thought those two wouldn't go together. Apparently in Arizona and Tennessee they do. So order a Jack & Coke and bring your Smith & Wesson, that confrontation over at the jukebox just got interesting. Sam Peckinpah interesting.

When Do They Need a Fig Leaf?
Summer is here and the New York Times is here to expose the new menace plaguing the countryside: armies of nude toddlers running free. Yes, there's a miniature streaking epidemic. From sunburn concerns to neighbors who catch a glimpse of a nude toddler in the yard and then spend the day wondering if their door isn't about to be kicked in by Chris Hansen,their apparent perversion shown on NBC, and jail time followed by registry on a sex offenders list. When will these nude 3 year old freaks learn: this is a Puritan country. Go off and commit unspeakable acts of violence like a normal child.

Economy in China Regains Robust Pace of Growth
What's that? The communofascisocialist Red Chinese understand more about economics than the free market, flag eating, $$$ loving people for New Freemerica? You mean focusing your efforts on appropriate levels government spending and loans and not loading up bills with ineffective tax cuts to appease Republicans is the way to go about an economic stimulus? Who would have thought? Except all those economist assholes. Of course they may be lying, but that's also a good plan. In any event, as long as their recovery isn't tied to the brutal suppression of dissident activity by Chinese Uighurs, we can copy it. Because we unfortunately sent all our Uighurs to tropical islands.

Chuck Todd's arguments against investigations
Want to know one of the main reasons you should actively despise the media in this country? People like Chuck Todd are a start. But it's more of their general kowtowing to power and their blinkered insistence that we shouldn't prosecute those pesky people who illegally tortured and spied and broke all those laws because it would be "distracting" and "looking back" and "partisan." Check out Glenn Greenwald's blogging destruction of Chuck Todd, then listen to his podcast, where he has Chuck on and then destroys him in audio form.

Who Will Succeed Kim Jong Il?
I'm guessing it's going to be someone with the words "Kim Jong" in their name. And I'm right, with Kimbo's #3 three son Kim Jong Un, slated to take up the family business. What's known about him? Almost nothing except he went to a Swiss school and loves NBA basketball. This should be read just for the stories his classmates give of finding out he's a dictator's son, theirs thoughts on the possibility he'll be the new dictator, and their descriptions of his b-ball prowess. The bad news if Un succeeds Il: not only another brutal dictator who's probably crazy, but one who could challenge Barry in a 1-on-1 match. The good news: if we make Michael Jordan a North Korean ambassador, we might be able to get Un to do what ever we want.

As Goldman Sachs Posts Record Profits, Matt Taibbi Probes Role of Investment Giant in US Financial Meltdown
Democracy Now has Matt Taibbi on to not only discuss his Rolling Stone article, now up in full on RS.com, but to also discuss the recent news that Goldman Sachs posted up its biggest quarterly profit ever. Needless to say he's not exactly surprised. Check out his blog for further discussion on the issue, rebuttals to criticism he's received, and people who he thinks can help explain the issue better than him.

Why does God always take the good ones?

N. Korea’s Leader May Have Cancer, Report Says

The North Korean leader Kim Jong-il, who suffered a stroke last August, was also found to have “life-threatening” pancreatic cancer around the same time, a South Korean cable television network reported on Monday.

The network, YTN, a cable news station, quoted unidentified Chinese and South Korean intelligence sources for the report, which was made by YTN’s correspondent in Beijing. The station did not explain how the sources obtained the sensitive medical information from North Korea, an isolated, nuclear-armed state that has kept details of its leader’s health a closely guarded secret.

First Michael Jackson and now Kimbo. Why is God this cruel? He had so many underground bombs left to set off, missiles to fire into the waters off Japan, people to starve, money to hoard, paintings of himself to unveil, and goose stepping soldier marches to preside over. Now, it seems, the Dealmaker is taking one last trip down life's waterslide. Life just isn't fair.

You know, if this whole thing is true. I mean they did use the "may have" caveat. I don't want to call into question the intelligence capacities of either the Chinese, South Korean, Japanese, or US intel services, but didn't they already tell us Kim Jong-Il was crippled by a stroke, that is he would have been if he hadn't died of diabetes and been replaced by a double years earlier? You know this is just like all those times Castro got cancer, died, and was replaced by a double. Hey, maybe it's the double that has the cancer. Ouch. First you look like Kim Jong-Il, then you have to live in North Korea and run it in an appropriately crazy manner, then you get cancer. But I'm sure that this time the reports are accurate.

Fare thee well sweet prince. Something, something, rainbow bridge, Valhalla, Jesus, eternal slumber. We'll try not to sneak CIA operatives over the border to piss on your grave.

North Korea escalates prank war

Well they finally figured it out. Remember how pissed we all were over the weekend when we tried to access the Treasury Department, Secret Service, Federal Trade Commission, and Transportation Department web sites and found our ability to load them up difficult and scattershot? How all you heard during fireworks was stuff like "Where the hell else am I going to get to read Tim Geithner's blog", "It just isn't the same without hot dogs, fireworks, and up to date press releases from the Transportation Department", and "This holiday is barely worth celebrating without the ability to check out the FAQ on the Secret Service's website"? Well, now we know who ruined our nation's birthday: North Korea.

South Korean intelligence officials believe North Korea or pro-Pyongyang forces committed cyber attacks that paralyzed major South Korean and U.S. government Web sites, aides to two lawmakers said Wednesday.
...
Others familiar with the U.S. outage, which is called a denial of service attack, said that the fact that the government Web sites were still being affected three days after it began signaled an unusually lengthy and sophisticated attack. The officials spoke on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to speak on the matter.

The Korea Information Security Agency also attributed the attacks to denial of service.

DoS attacks are when a number of people go to a website at the same time, causing an overload to the servers. Sometimes it can happen when a popular blogger links to you (something we've never had to experience), or when it's a coordinated attack. This vicious NK attack swelled some sites traffic to 9 times their usual load. 9 times! This had lead to experts in multiple articles on this to call the attack "sophisticated", which leads me to believe they aren't actually experts. Atrios or Daily Kos are probably going to do it once or twice today with a link and a sentence telling you to click said link. Making a website hard to load doesn't equal heinously sophisticated cyber-terror.

But nevertheless this is war! We're coming for you Kimbo! You think your DoS attacks are funny, just wait until we start up the LOLJong-Il site, start sending out embarrassing e-mails from your Gmail account, and hack your Twitter feed (TallBoyNK). My the CIA will escalate into putting itching powered in your onesies, ordering multiple pizzas to your house, killing you in a missile attack, or dyeing the water in your pool blue. You don't want to get into it with us.

Sorry we forgot about you Kim

The is what I want both my hair and all paintings of me to look like

In all this concentration over Iran and their little kerfuffle, it seems we've neglected the other remaining part of the Axis of Evil, and they are piiiiiiiiiiissed. But let's be fair, they haven't been giving us a reason to get interested. Iran is going through the beginning stages of a revolution, what's North Korea doing? Only bringing some classic Kim Jong-Il crazy, that's what. Not only is the diminutive leader shooting missiles in the direction of Hawaii, making illegal weapons shipments to Burma, and sliding down his waterslide in a furious and unhappy manner, he's slingin' crazy like a vintage late-eighties Saddam. For example:

"If the U.S. imperialists start another war, the army and people of Korea will … wipe out the aggressors on the globe once and for all."

Zing! They also said the US was

"...asking for the calamitous situation of having a fire shower of nuclear retaliation all over South Korea."

Then there was this

"Armed forces will deal an annihilating blow that is unpredictable and unavoidable, to any 'sanctions' or provocations by the US."

Followed by this

In Pyongyang, an estimated 100,000 packed the main square, shouting "Let's smash!" in unison while punching clenched fists in the air, footage from APTN in North Korea showed. A placard showed hands crushing a missile with "U.S." written on it.

Ooooooh, shit is on son, we just got served! You know if there's one thing America sucks at it's getting our citizens organized together to shout choreographed chants of violence and open threats towards foreign governments. We also severely lag behind in the nasty placard industry as well. But come on now America, Kim is asking for our attention. He's a man with needs as well, he just wants some acknowledgment that he's a dangerous lunatic who threatens world stability. Can't we give him that? C'mon now, all at once: "Ooooh, don't nuke us Mr. Kim. We're scared."

Was that so hard?

Cheap Blogging Crutch 06.18

North Korea May Fire A Missile Toward Hawaii
Everyone's favorite diminutive waterslide enthusiast, Kim Jong-Il, is considering a move so childish you expect it to be delivered with a bonnet and pacifier. He wants to launch a Taepodong missile in the direction of Hawaii, but not at Hawaii, on the 4th of July. For no real reason. Kimmy, just shit in a box and send it to a Senator, it's slightly more mature.

An Insider Turned Agitator Is the Face of Iran’s Opposition
In case you wanted to know who the man leading the Iranian election protests is, the New York Times decided to do a profile on him. Last week Mir Hossein Mousavi was a more moderate version of Ahmadinejad, now he makes Gandhi look like a pederast. Chart the transformation from larva to pupae to green butterfly.

Stealing the Election All Over Again
In case you lost your mind and decided to take those Guardian Council proclamations of a "partial recount" seriously, it turns out they are a sham. I know, shocking. I will note that I think this is the first time in history that an initial count and a recount involved no actual counting. They just can't stop making history over there.

PETA wishes Obama hadn't swatted that fly
Reason 167,842 why PETA is annoying and makes me want to self harm. Obama swatted a fly on camera and in response PETA sent out a press release condemning it, did an interview condemning it, and sent a Katcha Bug Humane Bug Catcher to the WHite House so it could treat bugs humanely. Because the president killed a fly. A fly. Not a polar bear, not a kitten, not a tiger cub, not a dodo that popped out from a mouse hole in the White House wainscoting, a fly. Because flies are in such short supply. If you'll excuse me I am now going to step on ants extra hard, replete with an ankle twist and mocking laugh.

How online racist jokes hurt S.C. GOP
Seems like the South Carolina GOP is learning the hard way that completely racist cracks about the President that are disseminated publicly over the internet are damaging to their electoral prospects. I'm surprised it took them so long to figure it out. All it would have taken for me to understand is a glimpse of a calendar that pointed out the year as 2009, not 1952, and how posting something up on the intarwubs would make it viewable to more eyes than say, a snide comment to a colleague in a cloakroom. Perhaps someone would be so kind as to explain that to the rest of the caucus, perhaps by writing it on something heavy and hitting them with it.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 06.10

Gingrich: Americans ‘surrounded by paganism.’
Newt, fresh off of declaring people racist and giving speech tips to Sarah Palin, decided he hadn't spent enough time pandering to the religious right. And really, he is going to need support from the religious type is we are going to have our 2012 Newt-volution. In a wide ranging speech he declared Christianity the foundation of everything, claimed the Prop 8 victory was a "miracle from God's hand", and warned that America is under constant threat from pagan influences. It was unclear if he meant just the Harry Potter books or was including all the Pagan traditions Christians swiped for their holidays. He would have expounded, but he had to leave early to go cheat on his 4th wife with his future 5th wife.

U.S. clears 10 big banks to repay bailout funds
What do you know, they actually paid the money back. $68 billion to be precise. Funnily enough this caused an initial rise in the stock market before it "later shed most of the gains on concern the money could be better used for lending to boost the economy rather than paying it back to Treasury." That's right, the market reacts poorly to taxpayers getting paid back. I hope you don't have any plans for that money, like health care or a couple more months in Iraq, we need that money for car companies. Thanks banks, let's hope this was actually a good idea and not just some shortsighted attempt to unburden yourselves from all those regulations. I know what I'm betting on.

Gore To North Korea? Obama May Send Ex-VP To Negotiate Journalists' Release
Turns out the Obama Administration might need Al Gore to get off his fat, global warming, Nobel winning ass and start doing something productive. Like hostage negotiations. Because....uh....Al Gore...uh...something something. Why is this a good idea? Has he ever done anything like this before? Maybe Obama is just hoping that because the two journalists worked for Gore's Current network, he'll be extra motivated to get them back on the job and earning him some scratch, instead of lounging it in a North Korean prison camp, building Kim Jong-Il a really big waterslide.

A Brief History of Erotic Asphyxiation
In honor of David Carradine, who's sexual self suffocation has given me the immense please of hearing Nancy O'Dell, Pat O'Brien, and Mary Hart talk about auto-erotic asphyxiation and other celebrities bizarre sexually/drug related deaths. From Frantisek Kotzwara to Michael hutchence to the Snake Charmer himself, learn the complete history of what happens when you don't have a spotter watching you while you wank it with a belt around your neck.

Remote Pacific nation to take Gitmo detainees
Finally the US Government has found something to do with the 17 innocent Chinese Uighur Muslims that it had been holding a Guantanamo for no good reason: they're shipping them off to another island. But this time it's in the Pacific! They're getting a one way ticket to Palau. Interesting facts about Palau. 1. There were actually more people being held at Gitmo than are citizens of Palau. 2. Chances are your house is bigger than Palau. 3. In order to get them to take these 17 innocent people, we're going to have to pay them close to $200 million in development assistance. 4. It will pretty much be swallowed by the sea if the ice caps melt any more.So good luck Uighurs, hope you enjoyed our hospitality. Hope Al Gore's hostage negotiations don't take too much time away from his trying to prevent the destruction of your new home.

Picture of the day

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Kim Jong-Il's kick-ass multi-looped waterslide on his mansion outside of Pyongyang. Zoom out and get a look at his estate and the surrounding area. It's the North Korean Beverly Hills. Well, it's mostly Kim Jong-Il's place and the houses of the last remaining generals he hasn't had killed yet. But still: pretty swanky. The ostrich farm is here.

For a further look into the Google Map related secrets of North Korea, there is the excellent North Korea Uncovered app.