Stay classy, Rush

So you've gotten word that George Steinbrenner died. You could herald the man for all the perceived sports good he's done or you could decry him for all the perceived sports bad he's done. You could of course also just shut up about it and not say anything. What do you do, hotshot? What do you do?

Well, if you're Rush Limbaugh, you take a break from your regular race baiting and "ooga booga the blacks are conspiring against you, grandma" type stuff and start race baiting on Steinbrenner.

"That cracker made a lot of African-Americans millionaires. ... And made a lot of African-American millionaires along the way. And at the same time he fired a lot of white guys.... as managers! Left and right."

Astute point. Of course this was used as a launching point for how the estate tax (Steinbrenner knew to die at the right time), the similarity between liberals and Muslim extremists, the racism of the NAACP for pointing out the racism of teabaggers, how the New Black Panther Party is going to come for all us whites, and how Obama is enslaving children. Obvious points all when referring to the death of a sports owner. Maybe George would have appreciated the political sleaziness of it, having been convicted of obstruction of justice and making illegal contributions to Nixon's campaign and then getting shadily pardoned by Reagan.

Nicely done, Rush. George fired whitey and showed blacky the money. These are the only two things that can be discerned about his life. Expertly pointed out.

Cheap Blogging Crutch - 5.11.10

If you're wondering about the picture above, I've got nothing for you. An image with that much Awesome packed into it requires no explanation whatsoever. To the links!

Last month a Seattle police officer detained an innocent Latino man and allegedly threatened to “beat the [expletive] Mexican piss out” of him. As much as I hope that justice is served and the cop is tossed in jail, where I'm sure he'll be very popular, I have to ask: why "Mexican piss"? Brevity suggests the universal shorthand "Corona" would be more appropriate.

While we're on the subject of criminal behavior on the part of the authorities, the Chicago Police Department will not press charges against a CVS employee who chased down and strangled to death a man who had shoplifted a tube of toothpaste. While an officer was on the scene, no less. One can only presume the predictably black suspect would have escaped with his life had he opted for the Extra Whitening.

Not content with war profiteering and murder abroad, Satan's cock wart defense contractor Blackwater/Xe has launched SnapScouts, a mobile phone application that enables America's youth to spy on on neighbors. I applaud this, as kids need to learn about mercenary armies and lawless international behavior as soon as possible. Actually, it turns out that this is fake, but you have to admire the satire, especially when it involves so many 1984 references.

The lovely and intrepid Daniela Perdomo points out that in the three weeks since Deepwater Horizon asploded, the American government hasn't exactly taken up the mantle of disciplinarian. In fact, while pistol-whipping the petroleum industry in the press and at pointless congressional finger-pointing sessions hearings, the Interior Department has quietly approved 27 new permits for offshore drilling. In similar news, Glenn Beck is PETA's new spokesperson.

We end, as always, with The Funny, today taking the form of the most epic Hipster text message break-up of all time. Ladies, when are you going to learn that you can't text message breakup?

He's not talking about Tila

If you're like me you've viewed the recent Arizona "Breathing While Latino"/"We Don't Want Any Tourists To Visit Here" immigration bill with one question burning in the back of your mind: what's a good semi-racist way to describe all the Latin citizens of Arizona and the rest of the country who are protesting this bill? Lucky for us the Washington Times came up with the answer tucked in amongst a hateful editorial that not only whitewashes (irony~!) the violence, low grade racism, and incitements to violence at Tea Parties but attempts to paint Latin opposition to the bill as some dangerous, undermining, hate America first attempt to Destroy The Freedoms.

Imagine a group of angry demonstrators toting swastika-festooned protest signs calling politicians Nazis, shouting obscenities and racial remarks and throwing rocks and bottles at police officers sent to keep order. No, these are not Tea Partiers. They are the mob that turned out last week to protest Arizona's new immigration-enforcement law. This group of liberal rowdies has been dubbed the Tequila Party.

The Tequila Party. Classy. Well, I guess there wasn't going to be any reasonable defense of the "Achtung! Show Me Your Papers" law, so why not just completely troll the bottom of the barrel?

Keep it up GOP. No blacks vote for you because of your response to civil rights... and the subsequent four decade period after, so why not try to alienate all the Latinos as well? I mean it's not like they're the fastest growing subset of this country, are they? No, disaffected, rural whites with persecution complexes are. That must be why you've cast your lot in so heavily with them. Good luck with all that.

Perhaps I was too hasty...

You know earlier I awarded the understatement of the day the Jerusalem city officials over their "zoning issues" comment on the Middle East peace process. I think I might have jumped the gun. I clearly forgot about Southern Republican's capacity for racial insensitivity and treason celebration.

As you might be aware, April is Confederate History Month as so declared by Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell. Quick historical recap: they seceded, piles of bodies, we put boot to ass, four score and seven, yay North! It is also African American Woman's Fitness Month, National Car Care Month, Irritable Bowel Syndrome Month, Holy Humor Month, Soy Foods Month, and National Straw Hat Month. It's a busy month. But in his declaration of National Traitor Appreciation Confederate History Month, Governor McDonnell forgot to leave out one tiny thing about the war that all previous governors seemed to have remembered. I'll let you guess which one. Hint: it involved the blacks.

McDonnell said Tuesday that the move was designed to promote tourism in the state, which next year will mark the 150th anniversary of the start of the war. McDonnell said he did not include a reference to slavery because “there were any number of aspects to that conflict between the states. Obviously, it involved slavery. It involved other issues. But I focused on the ones I thought were most significant for Virginia.“

Yes, there were any number of aspects to the Civil War, Bob. Sure, there were other issues. Sure that business with the dark ones was kind of sort of tangentially involved with what Confederates appreciated. However I'm going to go out on a limb here and speak for historians: slavery... yeah it kinda was one of the larger issues. Some might say the largest one. I don't want to speak out of turn, but I think the consensus is in on that one.

So I think Bobby is in contention for Understatement of the Day. Yeah, reducing slavery into just one of the many issues and aspects surrounding the Civil War and one not even significant enough to warrant a mention? Yeah, that's going to fit in nicely.

I don't know, maybe we need to start up a National Southern Education About Slavery Month or Admitting You Are Celebrating Atrocities and Treason in Your Defense of the Confederacy Month. Maybe they could be this month. We'll just bump Prevent Lyme Disease in Dogs Month, National Pecan Month, or Women's Eye Health and Safety Month to May in order to free up some space.

Stay classy, NBC

It's not been a good month for NBC, what with the Conan/Leno fiasco, their terrible ratings, and all that money they're losing. So with a clear history of bad judgment on their side, I guess it's not all that surprising that they'd go and do something like this to celebrate black history month:


Mmmm, racially sensitive. The picture of the NBC commissary menu was captured by NBC employee Questlove of the Roots, who also work as the house band for Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, and posted on his Twitter account.

Stay classy, NBC. If it's any consolation, both Community and 30 Rock are really good shows. Everything else you touch? ....well, I won't pile on.

Quote of the day

George W. Bush at a 2008 California GOP Fundraiser, as relayed by Matt Latimer:

He said things that could ruffle feathers, such as how he’d recently gone to a faith-based program run by “former drunks.” He said he went to see a prison ministry program, noting that ‘everyone was black, of course.” All eyes turned in search of the sole African American in the audience of donors. They wanted to see if he was offended.

As was noted in the book, the black guy, who coincidentally enough had been elected by the black community to go to this event and stand in as a proxy for all black people, was seemingly not offended. He probably knew what happened to people who protested during a Bush event and didn't want to do the prison time.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 09.10

Big Food vs. Big Insurance
With the health care debate about to come to it's depressing conclusion of "making the least helpful reforms and improvements possible" some people are out there still trying to point out that one big reason we have large health care costs is our diet. One of those people is author Michael Pollan. He has taken to the pages of New York Times op-ed page to remind us all that we also need massive reform in the area of food subsidies and agribusiness regulation. Because if there's one thing to do that easier than health care it's getting farm state senators to turn off the free money spigot to their constituents and biggest contributors.

Bolivian Preacher Says God Wanted Him To Hijack Aeromexico Jet
It's nice to see that God and Jesus are finally branching out from their standard "appearing in a tortilla, appearing on a wall, or making a statue/little boy's eyes bleed" Mexico behavior. Why only let Muslims engage in dangerous and deadly plane behavior in the name of God? Spread that ability around to people of all faiths. What did the preacher do this for? He wanted to warn Felipe Calderon about an earthquake "like none there has ever been." Well, he's been warned. I just think the preacher is going to be a tad disappointed when Mexico isn't ripped in half by a 10.0 earthquake. Hell, I know Pat Buchanan and Tom Tancredo will be.

U.S. Forest Service warns against campers drinking Tecate beer, eating tortillas, and playing Spanish music.
If you had asked me which governmental branch was most racist against Mexicans I think I, and really all of us, would have said "border patrol" without even thinking. Who knew it was the forestry service? That said, they just wanted to warn people that if they heard signs of Mexican activity that they were not to engage them, tie their food up in a tree, and retreat to their car. While it might just be Mexicans in a national park, the forestry service feels that it's more likely a sign of armed marijuana growers or possibly....the dreaded ranchero bear. Be forewarned.

Top 10 political hecklers
In light of Joey Wilson's little outburst, the Times Online has decided to give us a rundown of the 10 best political heckles during a speech. As 9 out of the 10 examples are from British lawmakers (the final one being Bubba), they show considerably more wit, humor, and acidity than grunting out "You lie!" to an objectively true statement.

The 10 Best Jack Nicholson Summer Vacation Photos
Since summer is nearly over (weather wise), Popeater decided it was time to celebrate the season's last gasp with a series of nearly nude Jack Nicholson photographs. If one thing is for sure he definitely likes hisself a hoagie, smokin' and a swimmin', and beaching himself on land. Enjoy.

Last Days of Big American Physics: One More Triumph, or Just Another Heartbreak?
Wired Science takes us through Fermilab's last desperate attempts to conjure a Higgs boson particle before CERN can come back online. I'm of two minds. One: it would be really great if the USA!USA!USA! was able to deliver a $6 billion groin kick to Europe with our outdated particle accelerator that is not only ice cooled but involves scientists having to hand throw the particles into each other. Two: Despite that, I'm not so sure I prefer God to be murdered and a black hole to be opened on American soil. Let the Franco-Swiss border be destroyed first. Still this does raise one important question: in their last ditch attempt to prove the superiority of Fermilab, did US scientists sabotage the LHC's superconducting bending magnets? I'm not saying I could prove anything, but.....

The White Stuff

At a forum with college Republicans, Kansas Rep. Lynn Jenkins was asked what the missing ingredient was for Republicans in thwarting the Kenyan's socialist agenda and enthralling voters back to the GOP's side. She paused for a minute and thought it over. Deciding to breeze by the obvious things like stopping the GOP's slide into becoming a fringe white party of the South, adding a second or third minority into their membership ranks, coming up with a coherent ideology based around something other than opposing everything Democrats want, showing some interest in improving this country, and cloaking their money humping, corporate whoring reputations in a better way, she decided what the Republicans needed was a better class of white guy to lead the way.

"Republicans are struggling right now to find the great white hope," Jenkins said to the crowd. "I suggest to any of you who are concerned about that, who are Republican, there are some great young Republican minds in Washington."

A videotape of the presentation contains footage of Jenkins identifying three members of the U.S. House -- Cantor, Rep. Kevin McCarthy, R-Calif., and Rep. Paul Ryan, R-Wis. -- as future movers and shakers in the GOP. All are white, as is Jenkins.

"So don't, you know, lose faith if you are a conservative," Jenkins said in Hiawatha.

I mean sure, later she had her staff clarify and apologize for the fact that anyone would take offense at her merely wishing that politics would include just a little bit more racial animus. She was just speaking metaphorically. It's just that her metaphor was steeped in the desires of racist early 1900's sports fans who longed for a white boxer to come and beat up Jack Johnson. She cleared it all up later by explaining “What she meant by it is they have a white future.....I mean bright future. They’re white lights within the party...I mean bright lights.”

She feels it's the truth, that she was just "calling a spade a spade." Well I hope she gets her precious white hope, I just want to point out one thing to her: all those "Great White Hopes" got their faces mashed in by the black guy. Maybe you should have tacked on "...Who Wins" to the end.

Where all the white women at?

Filed cleanly in the "Beyond Satire" end of the world:

Harvard professor Henry Louis Gates Jr., one of the nation's pre-eminent African-American scholars, was arrested Thursday afternoon at his home by Cambridge police investigating a possible break-in. The incident raised concerns among some Harvard faculty that Gates was a victim of racial profiling.

Police arrived at Gates' Ware Street home near Harvard Square at 12:44 p.m. to question him. Gates, director of the W.E.B. Du Bois Institute for African and African American Research at Harvard, had trouble unlocking his door after it became jammed.

He was booked for disorderly conduct after "exhibiting loud and tumultuous behavior," according to a police report.

We at TheseBastards would just like to remind everyone that racism is over.

Apparently Matthew and I run the country

Leave it to that feisty Lindsey Graham (R-SC) -- he still hasn't gotten over growing up a Lindsey in the South -- to redeem entirely this loose, bile-filled jumble of invective we call a blog. In response to criticisms leveled by the lefty blogosphere at Jeff Sessions, who will replace Benedict Arlen on the Senate Judiciary Committee, Senator Graham said the following:

“If people try to go down that road, it’ll blow up in their face, because Jeff is a good guy,” Graham said. “My hope is that our Democratic colleagues — if you start listening to the bloggers — if we’re going to let the bloggers run the country, then the country’s best days are behind us.”

Left-leaning blogs rightly questioned Sessions' history of, at best, racial insensitivity. Turns out Jeffrey, like most old, rich white trouser stains, doesn't like it when black people vote. After all, that tends to make it more difficult for Republicans to win.

While I understand that Graham has to lash out over the internet-based persecution of a career racist -- the good senator is, after all, from South Carolina -- little lippy Lindsey should probably turn it down a notch. Tough, I know, given that the Republican platform these days consists of equal parts wide-eyed paranoia and official GOP press releases discussing wherever the dart lands on Michelle Bachmann's Crazy Cunt board that morning.

I assure you, Senator Graham that bloggers do not, in fact, run America. If that were the case we would have long ago had you liquidated.

Blame Mexico

I'm surprised it took a week to put together clips of the right wing media blaming Mexicans and illegal immigrants (in conjunction with the Council of Evil Wizened Pigs) for waging a bioterrorism attack against us. Maybe this was just the stuff they said on Monday. We're through the looking glass people, flu zombie armies are being sent across the border because they hate our freedom. Why couldn't we have listened to Michael Savage and Neil Boortz when we had the chance?

This is the part where we agree with the New York Post

Yeah, I said it. And you read it correctly. While I'm disinclined to perpetuate talk of any kind about the outrage conjured -- and as Matthew noted, it was conjured, out of thin air -- over the Chimp/Stimulus cartoon the Post ran this week, I have to link to the response. If only because you so rarely see such a pithy "shut the fuck up" in editorial form. Even in the New York Post.

My only gripe is that it doesn't begin "Dear Rev. Sharpton..."

Dear Huffington Post, enough already

Right now the headline on Huffington Post is "MAJOR PAPER RUNS CARTOON ASSOCIATING OBAMA WITH CRAZED CHIMP" in big giant red letters. This has been changed from what it was a few minutes back when the headline blared the cartoon compared Obama to a chimp. Later it will probably say "MAJOR PAPER RUNS CARTOON ASSOCIATING OBAMA STIMULUS BILL WITH CRAZED CHIMP", then "MAJOR PAPER RUNS CARTOON WITH CRAZED CHIMP", then "HUFFINGTON POST APOLOGIZES FOR TRYING TO RACE BAIT FOR PAGE HITS".

Even worse is the article written by usually lucid Sam Stein, where he dismisses the clear intent, to mock the stimulus bill as written by idiots or crazed/rabid chimps and reference the crazed chimp rampage from yesterday, to darkly intone about the shadowy racial politics of the cartoon. Enough already. Is this where we have to go now, HuffPo? Every time an ape is used in a mildly political context it's racism? Is this what I have to do now, defend the New York Post? Defend unfunny cartoons? Is this how low I've sunk? It's about the crappiness of stimulus and referencing yesterday's monkey shooting. Political cartoonists aren't the most subtle bunch, if the cartoon was about Obama the ape would either look like him of have the word 'Obama' written on it.

It wasn't about Obama, you really have to work to make it about Obama, it isn't racist, and this is lame enough to barely warrant going up on the site, let alone the blaring red font headline. Grow up, breathe, and go cover the probable dozens of things in today's Post that were 30-40 times more racist than the cartoon. For Christ's sake, they run columns by Ann Coulter.

The positive boon of low grade racism

If you can reminisce back to yesterday we can all remember junior grade Huckaflunkie Chip Saltsman decided to bolster his candidacy by passing around a mixtape he made with the all time classic tune "Barack the Magic Negro" on it. Good news for Chip, despite the fact that people of normal breeding and 21st century mentalities are embarrassed for you, you are not running for the chairmanship of the party that represents those thoughts. You are running for the head of the RNC and the fact that your childish traipsing into fifties era black references pissed of the liberals means that you are now the front runner for the RNC position. Pass the champagne, and make sure one of the black servants gets it!

The controversy surrounding a comedy CD distributed by Republican National Committee chairman candidate Chip Saltsman has not torpedoed his bid and might have inadvertently helped it.

Four days after news broke that the former Tennessee GOP chairman had sent a CD including a song titled “Barack the Magic Negro” to the RNC members he is courting, some of those officials are rallying around the embattled Saltsman, with a few questioning whether the national media and his opponents are piling on.

“When I heard about the story, I had to figure out what was going on for myself,” said Mark Ellis, the chairman of the Maine Republican Party. “When I found out what this was about I had to ask, ‘Boy, what’s the big deal here?’ because there wasn’t any.”

Alabama Republican Committeeman Paul Reynolds said the fact the Saltsman sent him a CD with the song on it “didn’t bother me one bit.”

One wonders why the RNC has trouble making inroads to non-white constituencies. I guess when your entire political party has devolved and unified behind the one singular overarching principle of "If we do this it'll piss liberals off" then this must seem like a good idea. Complain that the Liberals, in conjunction with the Space Jews and Liberal Media Conspiracy, are blowing this out of proportion to attack a man no one cares about, and then follow it up with a barrage of complaints that they're taking the casual use of racial colloquialisms from the Depression 'out of context'. Clearly you've all learned the lesson of the last two elections and are on the road to becoming a party full of adults.

I can't wait for Saltsman's next release Richardson: That There Wetback What Done Runs Commerce. It'll be a 'taken out of context' musical extravaganza for the whole white family.

"Obama... call me..."

When Drudge isn't busy laying the foundation for a bullshit McCain reboot/comeback narrative, he's giving me Harold Ford Jr. flashbacks. Take a look at the picture below, currently holding down the middle of the page at Drudge Report, and tell me you aren't reminded of the "Where all the white women at?" anti-Ford ad run by Tennessee Republicans during the 2006 race to fill Bill Frist's stinking Senate void.

You stay classy, Espana

They all look the same to us.

Pictured above, the Spanish men's basketball team reaches out to the 2008 Olympic host country in a landmark moment for international relations. I know what you are thinking and the answer is yes, they are, to the last man, pulling at the corners of their eyes.

The story only gets more stupid and offensive. Was this a piece of photo shoot gag reel surreptitiously leaked? Perhaps some skillful photoshopping? Sadly, no. This is the art for a full-page courier company advertisement that ran in yesterday's edition of Marca, Spain's best-selling newspaper.

Sin Virguenza!

Side note: While looking up the appropriate curse with which to finish this post, I discovered that the Spanish colloquialism for cunnilingus, Bajar al pozo, translates literally as, "to lower the well."

So, you know, do with that what you will.