Product whoring

Holy Toast! For the man or woman on the go who doesn't have time to wait around for important religious figures to up an appear in their food out of the blue. I need the Virgin Mary to appear in my 7-grain bagel TODAY!

Me? I'm a Buddha man. Jesus and Mary are more lunch time, tortilla and grilled cheese religious figures. When I'm hungry in the morning I want to smear peanut butter and strawberry jam over a burned in image of Siddhārtha Gautama. To each his own, I guess.

Your daily update of what constitutes education in Texas

You have to admire the education board goon in Texas. They've become national pariahs and jokes, they've become a symbol for all that's wrong in our educational system and prioritizing politicization and ideologies over facts, and they've even engendered the beginning of a backlash in their state. Yet still they go on, rewriting history so that maybe, just maybe, kids will have a more positive view of the Republican Party and definitely, definitely have to retake a bunch of basic, high school level history courses if they want to meet the minimum requirements to graduate from college.

So what constitutes history today? What race has been getting it too good in our history books? What awful historical event needs whitewashed? What relatively unimportant event within the conservative movement needs to replace a bit of actual history? Let us find out.

Several changes include... introducing a new focus on the "significant contributions" of pro-slavery Confederate leaders during the civil war.

The new curriculum asserts that "the right to keep and bear arms" is an important element of a democratic society. Study of Sir Isaac Newton is dropped in favour of examining scientific advances through military technology.
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The education board has dropped references to the slave trade in favour of calling it the more innocuous "Atlantic triangular trade", and recasts the Israeli-Palestinian conflict as driven by Islamic fundamentalism.
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Dunbar backed amendments to the curriculum that portray the free enterprise system (there is no mention of capitalism, deemed to be a tainted word) as a cornerstone of liberty and argue that the government should have a minimal role in the economy.

One amendment requires that students be taught that economic prosperity requires "minimal government intrusion and taxation".
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On the education board, Dunbar backed changes that include teaching the role the "Jewish Ten Commandments" played in "political and legal ideas", and the study of the influence of Moses on the US constitution. Dunbar says these are important steps to overturning what she believes is the myth of a separation between church and state in the US.

Ahh Newton you hack, go sit with Jefferson on the swings, we need to learn how George Wallace is the exact same kind of fighter for racial rights as MLK (true, according to Texas curriculum). And thank God the softened the language on the slave trade. Otherwise kids might get an idea that slaves were the only thing being traded. I think some tools and a couple barrels of molasses were involved.

Finally someone is willing to stand up and say that the separation of church and state is a myth. Sure, some wags might point out that it's in the 1st Amendment or that Thomas Jefferson talked about how the combined effects of the Establishment Clause and the Free Exercise Clause in the 1st formed a separation of church and state. But if Jefferson was so important, wouldn't he be part of Texas educational guidelines?

Go read the article and get a little insight into the mind of the Texas school board. The phrase "paranoid persecution fantasies" and "rampant flag eating bullshit" don't even begin to explain their mindset. They believe that God has called them to indoctrinate kids with conservative dogma. Kind of frightening to think about what they'd try to pull if they thought no one was paying attention and they weren't being made national lightening rods. Then again, maybe schoolchildren haven't learned enough about President Jesus H. Christ and His victorious fight against the Kaiser.

Slap iron with the Lord

What's been our biggest fear ever since Obama was elected. Besides him stealing the white man's shit to give it to black people. Besides socialism. Besides him flaunting his Kenyan birth. Besides him letting Joe Biden use adult scissors.

That's right, Obama's jackbooted thugs kicking open the door to a church, dragging Jesus out in handcuffs, and tossing him in a jail cell to rot. Well, no more. You hear me Obama! NO MORE! Jesus will be protected!

Louisiana state Rep. Henry Burns (R) has introduced a bill in the Louisiana House that would allow churches to institute a "security plan" enabling congregants with concealed weapons permits to carry guns into churches and temples.

According to a Burns spokesperson, "we buy fire extinguishers in case there's a fire," and allowing churchgoers to carry concealed is just the "final stage of security" for places of worship.

House Bill 68 would allow a church or temple to authorize an unlimited number of congregation members to bring their guns into church, according to the individual church's own guidelines.

Glad to see there's not some pressing matter lapping at Louisiana's shores. Good to see that the elected betters of the state are able to move forward with this priority.

Let's just add church to the list of places where people feel that they are in danger of having someone goad them into an actual dick measuring contest and they feel the need to flash iron to avert a certain loss. That makes it Obama speeches, tea parties, bars and restaurants that serve alcohol, national parks, trains, schools, colleges, and... anywhere... without a permit to the myriad of news places where guns are viewed as needed. Why yes, that last example was from Arizona. Thanks for asking.

So now you concerns of "What if I'm reading Paul's letters to the Thessalonians and Gungans... and a pitched, John Woo style gun battle breaks out? Will the man finally let me legally whip out a glock and fire back?" have finally been addressed. Though only in Louisiana. Everywhere else the Lord is still in danger of taking a hollow point in the cross. We can't allow that to happen. He already used up His one resurrection.

Still, stay vigilant. I hear there's a plot that involves a man of Middle Eastern heritage showing up in flowing white robes and telling the faithful of how the end is nigh. That's when you're going to have to pull out the guns and tell him NOT ON OUR WATCH! Then it'll be safe for the blonde-haired, blue-eyed Jesus to safely come take us all up to Heaven.

Deity of the day

As it is Easter Monday, I thought it fitting we celebrate Eostre, the Teutonic Goddess of Spring and the Full Moon. An Old Germanic/Anglo-Saxon pagan God, Eostre is known as the a Mother Goddess/Goddess of fertility and the month of April was known Ēostur-monath whereupon they would hold the Spring/rebirth/fertility festival of Eostre. As per her motherly/fertile trappings, eggs and rabbits were typical symbols of her festival.

Now I know what you're saying, "What a remarkable coincidence that this Pagan goddess and her Spring festival would weirdly sync up with the accepted traditions of the Christian Easter festival, which we all know is held to commemorate the time that Jesus was put to death for illegally floating disciple Thomas Easter a loan to open his rabbit farm, egg hatchery, and luxury chocolatier shop. When He rose three days later we knew that Jesus was the true Messiah and a sound promoter of local business, so we celebrate this fact by partaking in the three things that Jesus gave his life to promote."

I know, it is a remarkable coincidence. But sometimes history and religion just come together in funny ways.

Jesus map

Gallup has gone out and shown use a definitive map of why large swaths of the South and Midwest infects so many regressive policies, terrible politicians, and grinds the progress of this country to a halt who in this country loves Jesus the hardest.

The winner? Mississippi at 63% weekly church attendance, followed by Alabama at 58%, and South Carolina, Utah, and Louisiana at 56%. Who wishes they could re-crucify the Lord, if he was actually real and only if they could delude themselves into believing in such a fanciful myth? Vermont at 23%, followed by Massachusetts, New Hampshire, and Maine all clocking in at under 30%.

On a whole the country got 0.7% more religious from 2008-2009, with much of the South getting anywhere from 2-5% more religious. And who can blame them, what with the financial collapse and that black guy who is about to steal all the stuff from white people in order to give it to black people?

I know you're asking, "Isn't this just a definitive map of where and why all the political problems in this country come from?" I'll just nod silently in agreement and we can share a knowing glance.

So congrats to Mississippi, you won the 2009 God Bowl! You're probably in church right now, so why don't you pray for victory in 2010. I'm sure you can crank it up to 70%.

How Godly of you

Remember that whole business about "America's pastor" Rick Warren not being able to actually come out and condemn a bill in Uganda, written by people who were affiliated with and had done seminars for his church, that essentially made being gay a crime punishable by imprisonment, reeducation, and death? Well, it turns out that if enough newspapers and TV shows mention something, that spirit of the Lord will come rushing out of you in an attempt to mitigate PR damage. So speaketh Rick:

Addressed directly to the pastors of Uganda, Warren's video message said he "completely oppose[s] and vigorously condemn[s]" the bill.

Warren also defensively suggested he would prefer to work behind the scenes, but he was forced to go to the media due to accusations that he was associated with the effort in Uganda. He said "this terrible bill" is "unjust, it's extreme, and it's un-Christian."

Ah yes, this reminds me of what Jesus said: "And yea, if some of your supporters and people you have associated with do something that is in my name yet also politically worrisome, do not condemn them. Only admit that it is wrong if said political pressure and scrutiny at your carefully crafted image becomes so great that you may no longer hide, as the schoolgirl does under her bed."

"Then, and not before then, will thee decry what you could not previously decry. But take caution and remember to blame the media, claiming that you were actually doing something in secret that you totally couldn't talk about, and that they just totally ruined it. So sayeth the Lord."

Well done, Rick. Truly as the Lord Himself would have done it.

Stay classy, Rick

Ever since being declared America's Pastor/Archbishop/Representative on the Church Bake Sale Committee after he gave an invocation at the Inauguration, Rick Warren has done his best not to deal meth, bang hookers, cheat on his wife, be gay, say crazy religious shit, or do anything to disgrace the fake title that was conferred upon him by the media. Well....about that last part. Seems that when he as asked about his affiliation with pastor Martin Ssempa, a Ugandan minister who in addition to setting back effective preventative AIDS measures with his "burn condoms for Jesus" program, also backs legislation that would make being gay punishable by imprisonment or death, Rick forgot to say it was bad. Whoops!

But Warren won't go so far as to condemn the legislation itself. A request for a broader reaction to the proposed Ugandan antihomosexual laws generated this response: "The fundamental dignity of every person, our right to be free, and the freedom to make moral choices are gifts endowed by God, our creator. However, it is not my personal calling as a pastor in America to comment or interfere in the political process of other nations." On Meet the Press this morning, he reiterated this neutral stance in a different context: "As a pastor, my job is to encourage, to support. I never take sides."

Unless it's on Prop 8 or abortion or a host of other political issues, then you do take sides. But when a guy you repeatedly invite to your church and support is actively trying to pass a law which imprisons and kills people for being gay, you can't even offer a timid "Yeah, that's kind of bad"? I'm sure Jesus is smiling down on you, giving the double thumbs up and remarking to some angel about the excellent way you equivocated. I don't think I can support him in the next election for America's Pastor.

An inability to condemn proposed state backed pogroms? Way to stay classy, Rick.

Broken News: Area man apologizes after his parody of religion becomes church doctrine

DOVER—Early today, after much soul searching and numerous bouts of laughing to himself, humorist Charlie Warren formally apologized for the series of events that led a satirical take on religion and religious extremism to become the officially sanctioned doctrine of the Catholic Church.

“I would just like to offer my humblest apologies to the, uh, world, the billions of followers of Christianity, the Pope, and, uh, the Baby Jesus,” a slightly perplexed Warren proclaimed to the assembled media and local religious leaders. “I was just having a bit of fun, making a few jokes or two. I didn’t expect it to go this far. I won’t do it again. My bad.”

He then threw his hands up in the air and with a tinge of complete disbelief in his voice, exclaimed “I just thought people would understand it was an obvious joke!”

The parody, in which an alleged Bishop purported to claim that rubbing children in bacon fat and yelling at them in Latin would ward off “ill gay omens” and that the church should partake in the use of a giant catapult while giving confession so that church patrons may “confess their sins closer to God”, was originally published on Warren’s blog.

Despite the ridiculous claims in the piece and the fact that the Bishop referenced in the narrative, Bishop Don Magic Juan, is an O.G. Chicago pimp, several news services picked up and ran the story as if it were real. Soon after, the Catholic League began pushing these theories, public support in churches increased, and at the behest of the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops, the Vatican made these two tenets into church doctrine, placing orders for thousands of catapults and thousands of gallons of rendered hog fat.

“C’mon,” Warren shouted. “Wasn’t the joke massively obvious?”

While to most outside observers that answer would be an emphatic yes, the question still remains how such a ludicrous attempt at satire was able to make it into the laws of the Catholic Church.

“Oooh…..I don’t know if I want to say this out loud, it could get me in a lot of trouble,” said a nervous Oliver Palmer, a news editor for Reuters, one of the news services that originally picked up the Warren piece. “How about…religious fundamentalists in this country are so batshit insane nowadays that there is no ceiling to the kind of incomprehensibly deranged activity, belief, or political cause they will engage in. Anything is plausible. Anything!”

Palmer sighed a bit and winced, “I bet I’m going to get such a nasty letters from Bill Donohue and the Catholic League for saying that.”

But far from castigating Palmer and others who share his similar outlook on the state of religion inside America and around the world, the Vatican was sympathetic.

“It’s a fair cop,” observed Bishop Gianluco Scherzo, the head of the Vatican’s Department for Mitigating the Damage Catholicism Does to Itself. “I mean for years we covered up child molestations, we’re in Africa contributing to the spread of AIDS by opposing the use of condoms or making official statements that they don’t work, and in DC we’re about to shut homeless shelters and adoption centers just because we might have to hire a gay, or at least not fire a gay because he is a gay. And that’s just the official actions of the Catholic Church! We’re not even talking about what all the Christian offshoots and fundamentalists think.”

Scherzo shuddered as he thought of it, “American fundamentalists…woof. Give me the creeps. No, this was all too plausible. Though I still think we’re going to keep both changes. Eh, it’s not like they’re all that much crazier than what we actually believe and most of the catapults are already built and paid for.”

For his part, Mr. Warren has seemed to have learned his lesson.

“Not only do I reiterate my pledge to never dip my toes in the fevered swamps of religion so naively again. But if I do make any future attempts at parody or news satire, I assure you I will do so in only the most hamhanded and obvious way possible, replete with loose ciphers for myself speaking overt statements about their views on current religious trends,” Warren said, his hand placed firmly over his heart.

“You know,” he paused. “Like a hack would.”

Stay classy, Pat

Christian Broadcasting Network televangelist Pat Robertson, on the chilling effect that the Matthew Shepard Hate Crimes Prevention Law will have on the baby Jesus

PAT ROBERTSON: The noose has tightened around the necks of Christians to keep them from speaking out on certain moral issues. And it all was embodied in something called the Hate crimes bill that President Obama said was a major victory for America. I’m not sure if America was the beneficiary.

Pat, unless the way these Christians are going to "speak out" on "moral issues" is by beating to death a gay man because he was gay in order to intimidate, scare, oppress, and threaten (in short, terrorism) the larger gay community, you aren't going to be affected. I haven't read the Bible in a while, but I'm pretty sure Jesus never said I had to be able to murder people I hated in order to practice His religion. I'm not entirely sure about that, it could be in the back somewhere.

Word to the wise though: tightening nooses around the necks of people (psst: black people) is what got laws like these passed in the first place. So try to choose your words more carefully next time you're outraged because you don't think you can fag-bash as hard as you used to. You can, just as long as there is no physical bashing involved. All your old bestiality, pedophile, threat to the family stuff is still good to use. Now go leg press 1 ton and relax.

Nice to see the kid doing well

When last we left former President Bush we were all exhaling in relief as he finally left Washington for good, frantically reassuring each other that there was no way he could still enact legislation anymore. But we all wondered what he would get up to in his post-Presidential years. Would he try to become a large scale player on the international humanitarian field like Bill Clinton and his Clinton Global Initiative? Would he build houses and try to act as a foreign policy conscience like Jimmy Carter? Or would he do one of the things we all hoped he do, like get arrested and prosecuted for all the shit he did while he was President, or, even better, get rabies during a possum hunting trip?

None of the above. No, after finding that people didn't want to hear him on the lecture circuit, he found something more on his level: stealing gigs from 3rd string Dallas Cowboys running backs from the eighties, ex-Texas A&M linebackers who found God, and fifth tier Tony Robbins' wannabes on the motivational speaker circuit.

Yesterday, he spoke to nearly 15,000 people at the “Get Motivated!” seminar in Forth Worth, TX. He mostly focused on “lighter topics such as picking out a rug design for the Oval Office that reflected his ‘optimism.’” The Dallas News reports that for this 28-minute speech, Bush received at least $100,000 — a rate of $3571 per minute:
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It was a rousing, upbeat celebration of positive thinking and conspicuous success. Speakers were introduced with peppy music, confetti drops and bursts of pyrotechnics exploding from each corner of the stage (but not for Bush – Secret Service orders).

Oh a rousing time was had by all. There was even a greatest hits recap from his Presidency as a protester with an "Arrest Bush" sign was forceably removed from the proceedings so that the boy former-king wouldn't have to see it. Hell, even Terry Bradshaw was there throwing out "Pigs for Jesus" wristbands, promoting a nonprofit slaughter operation that benefits children. Seriously. That actually happened. So you can see why an ex-President would want to be involved and make plans to do another: the prestige. Just kidding, it's obviously the money. $100,000 smackeroos just for bullshitting about the Oval Office rug and justifying your massive unpopularity to an underwhelmed audience. Nice to see him cash in at his own intellectual level. He's earned it.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 09.10

Big Food vs. Big Insurance
With the health care debate about to come to it's depressing conclusion of "making the least helpful reforms and improvements possible" some people are out there still trying to point out that one big reason we have large health care costs is our diet. One of those people is author Michael Pollan. He has taken to the pages of New York Times op-ed page to remind us all that we also need massive reform in the area of food subsidies and agribusiness regulation. Because if there's one thing to do that easier than health care it's getting farm state senators to turn off the free money spigot to their constituents and biggest contributors.

Bolivian Preacher Says God Wanted Him To Hijack Aeromexico Jet
It's nice to see that God and Jesus are finally branching out from their standard "appearing in a tortilla, appearing on a wall, or making a statue/little boy's eyes bleed" Mexico behavior. Why only let Muslims engage in dangerous and deadly plane behavior in the name of God? Spread that ability around to people of all faiths. What did the preacher do this for? He wanted to warn Felipe Calderon about an earthquake "like none there has ever been." Well, he's been warned. I just think the preacher is going to be a tad disappointed when Mexico isn't ripped in half by a 10.0 earthquake. Hell, I know Pat Buchanan and Tom Tancredo will be.

U.S. Forest Service warns against campers drinking Tecate beer, eating tortillas, and playing Spanish music.
If you had asked me which governmental branch was most racist against Mexicans I think I, and really all of us, would have said "border patrol" without even thinking. Who knew it was the forestry service? That said, they just wanted to warn people that if they heard signs of Mexican activity that they were not to engage them, tie their food up in a tree, and retreat to their car. While it might just be Mexicans in a national park, the forestry service feels that it's more likely a sign of armed marijuana growers or possibly....the dreaded ranchero bear. Be forewarned.

Top 10 political hecklers
In light of Joey Wilson's little outburst, the Times Online has decided to give us a rundown of the 10 best political heckles during a speech. As 9 out of the 10 examples are from British lawmakers (the final one being Bubba), they show considerably more wit, humor, and acidity than grunting out "You lie!" to an objectively true statement.

The 10 Best Jack Nicholson Summer Vacation Photos
Since summer is nearly over (weather wise), Popeater decided it was time to celebrate the season's last gasp with a series of nearly nude Jack Nicholson photographs. If one thing is for sure he definitely likes hisself a hoagie, smokin' and a swimmin', and beaching himself on land. Enjoy.

Last Days of Big American Physics: One More Triumph, or Just Another Heartbreak?
Wired Science takes us through Fermilab's last desperate attempts to conjure a Higgs boson particle before CERN can come back online. I'm of two minds. One: it would be really great if the USA!USA!USA! was able to deliver a $6 billion groin kick to Europe with our outdated particle accelerator that is not only ice cooled but involves scientists having to hand throw the particles into each other. Two: Despite that, I'm not so sure I prefer God to be murdered and a black hole to be opened on American soil. Let the Franco-Swiss border be destroyed first. Still this does raise one important question: in their last ditch attempt to prove the superiority of Fermilab, did US scientists sabotage the LHC's superconducting bending magnets? I'm not saying I could prove anything, but.....