Broken News: Katrina Never Happened

NEW ORLEANS—For many citizens in this once hurricane-ravaged city, the events of the past couple of days remain simply unbelievable. Virtually overnight, all levees have been competently rebuilt, the lower 9th ward and surrounding areas restored to pristine condition, millions of residents back in undamaged homes, and local businesses up and running at full capacity.

“I don’t want to jinx it,” a giddy Mayor Ray Nagin announced to the assembled press who had gathered at city hall when they all realized what was occurring. “But I think that the Saints winning the Super Bowl caused a sort of temporal rift. HURRICANE KATRINA NEVER HAPPENED!”

“Just like all the media and sports press have essentially been claiming. WHO DAT?!” the mayor jubilantly exclaimed.

In a comprehensive list released to the media, Nagin detailed all the policies, programs, relief and reconstruction efforts that were going to be canceled immediately because of the magical circumstances stemming from this sporting victory.

These include such programs as efforts to rebuild and restore the lower 9th and the 80% of building in Orleans parish that sustained severe water damage, attempts to rebuild a fortify the levee system, efforts to encourage growth after nearly half the city population left, efforts to revamp and rejuvenate the education, cultural, law enforcement, and local governance systems, as well as addressing widespread poverty, health, employment and other urban issues, or any other efforts to address the weak tax base, business community, and economy that are all now completely fixed.

In addition, David Simon announced the cancellation of his upcoming New Orleans HBO series Treme saying “I guess there no longer exists an overarching tableau of decay and rebirth that I can use as a backdrop to critique the fading American empire and its self-destructive institutions.”

Added a clearly dejected Simon, "I guess we'll always have Cleveland."

While nearly everyone is pleased to see New Orleans magically overcome the greatest natural disaster in American history through otherworldly means in conjunction with the outcome of a sporting championship, most are just confused as to how this occurred.

While certain sporting events have come to be seen as triggers for important historical events, most notably the 1935 Detroit victory in the World Series ushering in the New Deal and the 1968 formation on the Cincinnati Bengals being retroactively blamed for the My Lai Massacre, there has yet to have been a sporting victory or loss that has seemingly traveled back through time to change past events.

“I don’t claim to understand it, I’m just glad it happened,” a victorious Mayor Nagin yelled from a parade float led by a jazz brass ensemble playing “When the Saints Go Marching In”.

On the other hand some in the media seemingly did foresee such a chain of events, peppering their coverage of the Saints with references to how their good season was part of the complete rebirth of New Orleans and that an arbitrary victory in a football game could possibly signal that the city was back and A-OK.

“Yeah, when I first heard all of that I was a little incredulous,” observed Saints QB and Super Bowl MVP Drew Brees. “I mean I do a ton of charity work around this city and I failed to see just how us winning one game would retroactively fix the deplorable state that the city was in... at the time.”

“I remember being asked by Katie Couric if I had saved New Orleans,” Brees recounted, highlighted a pre-game interview with the CBS anchor that beggared belief. “I just thought to myself ‘Listen you dippy bitch, how the hell is a high octane passing attack and intensive film study going to fix the very real socio-economic problems that I tirelessly work to help fix?’”

“But here we are," he shrugged. “Everything was fixed. Because of a football game.”

In a statement he released to the press Indianapolis quarterback Peyton Manning, who threw a game changing interception for a touchdown and who himself grew up in New Orleans while his father played quarterback for the Saints, noting that he was “glad to do his part to revive his hometown”, feeling that the complete and total rejuvenation of most of Southern Louisiana was a much better result than what would have happened for Indianapolis had the Colts won: half-price burgers at participating Steak’n’Shakes in the greater metro area.

“Whatever,” Mayor Nagin was heard to yell while reveling in parade festivities on Bourbon Street. “I’m just glad that no one ever has to worry about New Orleans ever again or concern themselves with the status of this city. We won a football game! It’s all golden baby.”

In a related story, the nation of Haiti petitioned several top NFL franchises to legally relocate their headquarters to Port-au-Prince for the upcoming season in the hopes that a Super Bowl victory could not only fix the damage done in the recent earthquake, but provide the country with a mulligan for most of the past 200 years.

Snow Day!

These Bastards is taking a Snow Day. Let me tell you that it is purely for completely adult reasons and not because some or all of us might be harboring skull crushing hangovers and deep regrets from Super Bowl Sunday. Congratulations to most of the Mid Atlantic, which still seems paralyzed by the snow, and to the city of New Orleans, whom we will be mocking in full tomorrow.

Good morning, here's Prince's ode to Brett Favre

Today Prince rose from purification ceremonies in the waters of Lake Minnetonka to declare his allegiance to the Minnesota Vikings with a fight song. That's right, Saints, not only do you have to face Old Man Favre and Purple Jesus, but you have to face the might of the Revolution and the New Power Generation. After he's done with you, he's gonna serve you pancakes.

Your move, Dr. John and Harry Connick Jr., your move.

After the jump are the lyrics, which were apparently co-written by a 13 year-old girl who texted them to Prince.

Purple and Gold Lyrics

the veil of the sky draws open
the roar of the chariots touch down
we r the ones who have now come again
and walk upon water like solid ground
as we approach the throne we won't bow down
this time we won't b denied

raise every voice and let it b known
in the name of the purple and gold

we come in the name of the purple and gold
all of the odds r in r favor
no prediction 2 bold
we r the truth if the truth can b told
long reign the purple and gold

the eyes say ready 4 battle
no need 4 sword in hand
we r all amped up like a rock n roll band
ready 2 celebrate every score
ready 2 fight the elegant war
ready 2 hear the crowd roar

that's what we came 4
and so much more
in the name of the purple and gold

r spirits may b tired
r bodies may b worn
but since this day is r destiny
r history – that's y we must b
4ever strong as the wind that blows the Vikings' horn
in the name of the purple and gold

Hope you kept your snorkels, New Orleans

One must marvel at the lengths our elected betters go sometimes to completely toady to their corporate donors. Take, for instance, Louisiana Senator Mary Landrieu. As Senator for the beleaguered state she must know that any of the adverse effects of global warming and climate change will adversely effect her state. From floods, to heat, to extra powerful hurricanes, to New Orleans going under water a couple more dozen times, to Drew Brees pulling a hamstring, all of these are climate dangers that will specifically damage states like Louisiana.

On the other hand, she gets $1.5 million in donations of pro-pollution, anti-environmental sectors so, her hands are tied. So you can see why she's working so hard to make sure her state drowns.

Sen. Mary Landrieu (D-La.) told reporters Wednesday that she is working with Sen. Lisa Murkowski (R-Alaska) on Murkowski's efforts to block EPA from regulating greenhouse gases under the agency's current Clean Air Act powers.
...
"I am considering that right now," Landrieu said when asked whether she backed Murkowski's plan. "I have been working with her on it."

Landrieu said she is not yet ready to announce anything but believes the Clean Air Act is not meant to be applied to carbon dioxide emissions.

Yeah, of course carbon dioxide isn't a pollutant that should be regulated by the Clean Air Act or the EPA. It's as obvious as the fact that the Earth was formed 6,000 years ago and the fact that I DIDN'T DESCEND FROM NO ORANGUTAN!!!!!!

You know you can kind of understand when congresspeople from South Dakota don't get all that thrilled about acting on climate legislation. Hell, it's not like South Dakota is going to be covered by melted ice cap water or hit by extra powerful hurricanes. South Dakota could take a direct meteor strike and the entire state would barely look different. In fact increased temperatures and a coastline that advances inland by a couple hundred miles would actually dramatically improve most of the Midwest. But for a Senator who represents a state that contains large chunks of population and infrastructure below sea level and is already vulnerable to extreme weather? It's almost completely indefensible.

On the other hand, $1.5 million is a lot of money. She probably made the right choice.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 10.15

The Collider, the Particle and a Theory About Fate
Hey did you know that its entirely possible that the reason the LHC is running into trouble colliding particles that the Higgs boson is so abhorrent to nature that its creation would ripple backward through time and stop the LHC from creating a Higgs boson. Is your mind blown yet? Does your head hurt yet? This is why it's so much easier to just say "God did it."

First black hole for light created on Earth
Hate light? Love black holes? Well buddy the people at Purdue University have got the goods for you: a table top electromagnetic black hole that sucks in light and traps it. It has promising properties for harnessing and advancing solar energy collection. How'd they do it? Uh...God did it.

Poll shows Specter staring at 'near fatal' re-election figure
What? You mean to tell me that only 31% of Pennsylvanians view the switching of political parties for the most nakedly transparent, self-serving political means possible as a good thing? The main problem is that no one knows who his Democratic primary opponent, Joe Sestak, is and he's locked in a dead heat with the likely Republican opponent Pat Toomey, a guy who makes Rick Santorum look like a European socialist. Hopefully that'll change as Sestak gets more coverage and the race goes on. Otherwise the prospect of Senator Tommey *shudders* is enough to get one motivated to support Arlen Specter *shudders...but in a manner less than the shudder for Toomey*.

Americans Rank Randy Jackson and Michael Phelps as Most Likeable Celebs For 2009
Really America? The guy who says "dawg" all the time on American Idol? Still that's not why I posted this. You know who the least liked man in America is? Mike Vick. Yup the reformed dogfighter is less popular than Joe Jackson, Mark Sanford, Anne Coulter, and spousal abuser/singer Chris Brown. Way to bear a grudge America! Keep hating a man trying to reform himself at a higher level than unrepentant liars and scum. Know who else is surprisingly ranked as low as Chris Brown and Vick? NFL columnist Peter King. Good work on that, KSK. The man America views as the most sincere? Buzz Aldrin. He's got credibility people, MOON CREDIBILITY!

President Barack Obama visits New Orleans today
Barry takes his first trip to the still devastated New Orleans today. He's going to look around, see the 9th Ward's only reopened school, view the devastation, eat at Dooky Chase, and then go off into a private room to sob as he has to add yet another thing to his "Massive Bush Fuck-ups I Have to Fix" list. Poor bastard. To think: he actually wanted this job. Well that'll learn him.

Questions

Civil Lawsuit Over Katrina Begins

A groundbreaking civil suit began in federal court here Monday to consider claims by property owners that the Army Corps of Engineers amplified the destructive effects of Hurricane Katrina by building a poorly designed navigation channel adjacent to the city.

The Mississippi River Gulf Outlet, a 76-mile-long channel known locally as MR-GO and pronounced “Mister Go,” was completed in 1968 and created a straight shot to the Gulf of Mexico from New Orleans. The suit claims that the channel was flawed in its design, construction and operation, and that those flaws intensified the flood damage to the eastern parts of New Orleans and St. Bernard Parish.

One geological expert testified on behalf of the plaintiffs that the channel was “one of the greatest catastrophes in the history of the United States.”

Do you think that they're going to win all the money in existence, or just all the money that the banks haven't taken yet?

Are we going to have to invent new numbers for the financial award?

Jillion, bajillion, bazillion, kazillion? I'm a bazillion man.

Will we have to measure jury deliberation time in minutes or seconds?

Open up the coffers Geithner, the American taxpayer is going to have to take another gut shot.

Broken News: Persistent, violent weather patterns declared temporary, mild

WASHINGTON—After what has been deemed a "thorough review," today the Bush Administration released a joint review from the National Weather Service, Environmental Protection Agency, the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, and the Office of the White House Chief of Staff stating that the increasingly bizarre, violent, strange, and unpredictable weather patterns of the last few years to be a temporary condition that in no way related to global warming in any way.

“Listen, this is all part of the natural cycle of things,” observed EPA Undersecretary and Liberty University Chair Jason Slattery. “Frankly I think the earth has decided ‘enough tropical hurricanes in the north’ and has decided to send them much more frequently to the colder waters of South America where they never used to hit. The fact these disasters are now a weekly occurrence now is Mother Earth just balancing things out after eons of hurricanes and cyclones happening one way and one way only. Fair is fair.”

Furthermore the report stresses that the increase in the level of Category 4 and 5 hurricanes also had nothing to do with increased CO2 levels warming the waters on the Atlantic and Gulf of Mexico. In fact the report goes so far to stress that man made actions have had no effect on climate that a separate GAO study revealed that this report used the most bolded statements, underlined sentences, exclamation points, and uses of the phrases “because we said so”, “trust us”, and “listen, we know what we’re talking about” in the history of US Government.

“People are so quick to lump everything in with global warming,” noted government spokesman Eric Frost. “All we’re saying is ‘No, it isn’t and if you ever mention it we’ll fire you and pull your funding.’ But these Al Gore types don’t want to hear it. It’s all climate change this, hurricanes that, New Orleans this, global catastrophe that. Maybe they just don’t want to face the real facts here: the hurricanes have been testing our defenses for years and now that they know our weaknesses, they’re attacking them at full strength. Where’s the slideshow about that?”

He continued “Plus, I read on a message board that some scientists in the seventies once thought the globe was cooling or something and that totally didn’t happen. So, I think we see how all science is invalid as a result.”

But it isn’t just limited to hurricanes. In the last year climate scientists have reported the rise of 8.0 magnitude earthquakes, an increase in the frequency and intensity of tornadoes, exploding mountains, rivers of acid, the existence of marauding clouds of pure electricity, and an under-reported story from last month: a cyclone made of fire, flaming hail, and sulfur that ravaged the southern coast of Africa.

When asked to explain the Infernocane, the Bush Administration attributed the fire storm to biblical end times prophecy and “…clearly not the result of decades of unchecked industrial emissions and flammable substances” and denied any connection to the napalm factory that it commissioned and opened in Johannesburg last year.

When asked for any scientific proof to back these assertions the Administration just handed out copies of the Left Behind book series by Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins with a not that we should “…prepare to have our fuckin’ minds blown.” When further pressed for a better explanation during today’s announcement press conference Mr. Frost simply said “Uhhhhh…sun…spots? More of them? Sun…fire…wind. That sounds…plausible.” before abruptly ending the session.

Slattery offered another perspective “When balanced against, say, the fires of creation, the forging of the planet, the meteor/alien conspiracy that killed the dinosaurs, Vesuvius, the sinking of the continent of Atlantis, the crucifixion of Jesus, every nuke in the world simultaneously being launched and detonating, I think you’ll find things like massive, constant lightning attacks, five mile high tornados, mud slides in areas with no mud or hills for it to slide on, the evaporation of 70% of the world’s drinkable water, and the incineration of the lower half of Africa by means of a fire storm to be relatively mild when compared side to side.”

It was the final conclusion of the report that there was “nothing to see here” and that everyone should just “move along now.” The government hopes that these completely placid and common weather patterns will run their course, but have advised citizens that they might need to endure a few thousand years of sweltering heat, destroyed coasts, and the desertification of all crop land before there is a noticeable improvement.